Skin picking and depression

[drumguy85]

dude, i'm totally in the same boat and am fed up with the picking. my arms are totally scarred and scabbed up. i can only ever go a day or two w/o picking. i know i'm making it worse by continiuing, but i just can't stop. to make things worse, my arms are fairly muscular(my only decent feature) and i can't wear a muscle shirt. it started with my upper arms and has spread to my forearms. fixme, let's start a two person support group.......i need someone else to talk about this with.

[fixme]

So, finding a specialist to talk to isn't a one step process after all. The one female I found no longer works at the life management center in town, and because I am an employed person, there are only a small amount allotted of appointments available, because they put priority on people who are too messed up to support themselves. This is a humiliating thing to me, having to admit my problem so fully, so that I can push myself to continue looking for help. The picking has gotten worse along with my nerves as I get closer to the inevitable time when I'm sitting in front of a stranger telling them about my life, I've sort of become resigned to looking like this for now, as long as I'm still making forward moves. I want to do this. I want to make this situation as real to me as I can. I want to stop touching my skin. I was thinking about how most addicts make the choice to carry something outside of themselves to support their habits. A bottle or a pipe, something you have to consciously choose to take with you. I felt trapped knowing that my own fingers are the paraphernalia with which I act out my addiction. I can't exactly throw them out, or leave them in a dresser drawer.

[fixme]

and hi dreamguy, thanks for replying here. I'll be totally open and candid with you if you want to know something about my attempts to stop this habit. How old are you?

[fixme]

Haha, and sorry, DRUMguy, I only glanced at your name before replying. oops : )

[fixme]

I'm starting to wonder whether my habits were ever this bad, before I started obsessing about it and writing, was I this bad? Or is it getting worse as I become more aware of the truth of how difficult it is to stop a compulsive behavior that has been ingrained in me my whole life? I managed to resist makeup yesterday and today, and it might have cut down on my picking, except that I wore my hair down to try and cover my cheeks. I felt both exhausted and exposed at work today, and found it hard to smile. Every time I caught a glimpse of myself walking by a mirror, I was revolted by the large red scars on my jaw, cheeks, and chin. I have a zit beard. I didn't want to look myself, or anyone else in the eyes tonight. Hormones are not helping my case. It's 'that time of the month' where I get these large, deep, and painful type zits that would simply remain bumps, hardly noticeable, except that I feel them under my skin, so It's next to impossible not to give in to the urge to relieve the pressure they cause, squeeze them, turn them into big, red, still painful scabs. I feel so stupid for not being able to quit. It's like I forget, but I know that there are other layers of my consciousness that find enjoyment in the act itself, despite the consequences.
My mom helped me make some calls this afternoon and found a name of someone I can talk to, so I'm making the appointment tomorrow. I am very skeptical about this, or any professional's ability to understand and help my situation, but I have nothing left to lose for trying it.

[fixme]

I picked up the phone to call a counselor today, but couldn't get up the nerve to do it myself. I don't know how to say it and I'm scared. I asked my mom to call. My plan is to show up, hand someone this blog, and go from there.

I'm supposed to be meeting up with an old friend from high school tomorrow and I have a strong desire to give off the impression that I'm doing great, even though I'd say I'm doing mediocre. I have already thought about how my face isn't healed enough yet, so I'll need makeup. Then I feel conflicted. Which is more important to me: looking good for someone I'll see this once, and then not for another 3 years, or sticking to my own rules? If I choose to not see her because I won't wear makeup, I'm going to feel like a failure too. I want to say that yes, I'll call her and hang out, but I'll see how the day goes.

[fixme]

Another thing I need to start doing is leaving little or big notes/signs everywhere so that I can remember 24/7 both the way I'm hurting myself and the things I like about myself. On my car mirrors I'm writing "Your face is scarring." somewhere more obvious, like right behind the steering wheel I'll write "You're doing well today." or "You're still pretty." something nice. It's a little depressing to have to do that for yourself, but realizing that it's not something any boyfriend has ever done for me just makes me understand that I pick the wrong people to form relationships with.

[drumguy85]

Hello, been busy. Fixme, I'm 25 and a university student. I'm convinced school stress is part of why I pick. I'm currently in the midst of finals week for my summer courses and my picking has gotten much worse. I've gotten my forearms to the point where a small pimple quickly turns into an infected sore. I've done this for years in non-visible areas, but this year my picking has spread to my very visible forearms(i live in houston and long sleeves will NOT work here during the summer). You seem to have had some intermitten success, what techniques do you use (when you can) to check yourself? I'm only able to go a day or two without picking and then I'll start up like no other. I'm open to any advice you have. Thanks

[fixme]

I don't know what to tell you, I'm pretty much at my wits end here after dedicating a full month to the single goal of trying to stop. I felt the same need to relieve school and social stress by spending an unreasonable amount of time in front of the mirror last semester, and I thought things would cool down now that I'm out for the summer, but it's been the opposite. If I don't keep my mind and hands occupied every second, they find their way to my face. I did it again tonight. I have started to take pictures of my skin immediately after messing with it with the camera on my computer, and I'll probably be printing them out and putting them next to the few mirrors left in my house. Forcing CONSTANT reminders upon yourself of why you want to STOP seems like the next step to me. I am also struggling with NOT making excuses for why I look like I do. No one ever asks, so I never have to explain, but I've got a pile of prepared false excuses just in case someone ever does. "I'm allergic to the paint I use at work" "It's that time of the month." etc. I also wore makeup today, which I'm not proud of, because to me it's another way of hiding right now. It's false, temporary confidence. The reasons we pick have got to be so much deeper than stress. I've still had no luck finding a professional to talk to, but when I do I'll definitely be posting that conversation here. I do highly recommend www.stoppickingonme.com I was the most successful right after I read the information on that site, and I'm reading it again to hopefully refresh my memory.
drumguy, how would you describe your relationships with your friends? do they ever call you out on it? Mine definitely do not, but most of the time I only hang out If I feel able to cover up the damage with makeup. and also have you ever heard of BDD?

[drumguy85]

my friends and coworkers have asked about it. i felt comfortable telling them what my sores were and that i was making them worse. to be honest, a few can sympathize with me and have sores that are in less obvious areas. people noticing and commenting on my sores is what has driven me to attempt quitting. i've heard of bdd and i've got some of the symptoms. I'd like to think i don't have it, but maybe that's just denial. solving this problem is more about it being a generally unhealthy habit and saving the time i waste picking. sometimes i'll be in the bathroom for almost an hour tearing up my skin, only to come back and do it again 2 to three hours later. i'll be out of school for the next two months, so i guess i'll see if less stress helps me out.

[fixme]

well, good luck to you. This morning I feel completely immobilized. I feel incredibly helpless and angry at myself, that I can't simply wake up in the morning, get dressed, and go start the day. Morning is seriously a major production in my house. I wake up late, and then think negative things about myself for being lazy, then I take those negative feelings to the mirror and take it out on my face. Then I have to wait at least an hour for the redness to die down, but often in that time I find my way back to the mirror and make it worse. Then I concede to going out with a red face, or slather on makeup until I perceive the color to be somewhat even.

Alcoholics anonymous describe INSANITY as doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

But when I don't expect things to change one day I get very depressed. This is what I look like. This is what I am going to look like now, tomorrow, and the next day. I'm an attractive young girl by most standards, but I find it impossible to accept a compliment. I think that deep down, I pick my face to avoid sexual attention. I don't know what I am afraid of. I've chosen boyfriends who were dark and cruel emotionally, maybe I thought that if my fears of abuse came true, I would overcome them. Nothing left to be afraid of if it happens and you're still breathing, right?

My relationship is over. I'm free to start over again. I feel good about that, yet I'm still haunted and held back by this fear that I can't name. I'm afraid that I'll choose another a**hole and cling on to him for another 3 years, even when he tries may times to brush me off. I thought that my persistence was called patience. I thought I was being selfless and trying genuinely to show someone love. I was. I just picked the wrong person.

My picking problem started way before boys though. Third grade is the first memory I have of it affecting me. I felt the symptoms similar to those described by bdd sufferers, yet less severe, all through my childhood. Is that normal?

[fixme]

Semi success today. I woke up early and went to work, and the thought of touching my face didn't cross my mind once until after I got off at 4. On the car ride home I felt a "tick," an urge to start picking. I must have looked like a crazy person, but I started talking to myself "This is a tick, This is what it feels like when you get an urge to pick. I'm experiencing a tick right now, and I'm going to talk to myself about it until it goes away." I took several deep breaths, and much of the anxiety was gone. Not all, though, I scratched at some places on my legs, and examined the evidence of past picking, small scattered red marks on my thighs. I squeezed 3 or 4 of the more painful new zits developing on my face, and 3 spots on my shoulder. It is also strange how I chose carefully the places I would squeeze, only the spots that I thought would eject the most white stuff. It's almost as if I want to collect it, examine it, find out what it is and why it's in me. I must sound like an advertiser for stoppickingonme.com by now, but I have to say its the most easy to understand explanation of how the skin works I have found, though I don't fully understand yet, because there is a lot to know. The new zits I had today, I want to blame on acne, but I can't for sure because I've still been unable to see the true look of a week of untouched skin. Today is Saturday. I've got a very busy week planned, and if I could make it to next Saturday without any major picking episodes, I think I would be very pleased with myself.

[fixme]

I feel good this morning. I feel like I look good, too. I need to pay attention to the fact that nothing has changed but my mood. I look the same as yesterday. I just woke up and washed my face, and came to the camera on the computer instead of a mirror to check myself, and it's working wonders because I'm not able to see the tiny details that I am usually critical of. I'm able to just look at myself as a whole. My skin feels good. Not too oily or too dry. Today is my only day off, so I need to keep very busy and AWAY from mirrors. Even as I'm writing, I feel a tick. I want to go straight to my parents bathroom and REALLY check, but there is no need. I feel like I've been sitting on a roller coaster trying to pour a cup of tea without spilling it for the last month. I've spilled a lot, and cried a lot, and somehow this morning I just feel like I'm hitting a smooth spot in the ride. Today I will not stand in front of a mirror.

[fixme]

well, it's 5:30 now. I have made a few short stops in front of the mirror in the kitchen, and my hands have been on my face all afternoon. Not forcefully picking, just touching here and there, scratching a raised spot or itching my very itchy nose. My skin doesn't feel so good anymore. I just got out of the shower, and it feels hot, oily, flaky, and just generally uncomfortable. I didn't wash it with anything. Maybe a combination of the touching and my shampoo irritated it. Or maybe just the constant touching. It could be so many different things. I feel unmotivated, anxious, and bored at the same time. Pissed that I'm still here, in my parent's house, and pissed that I can't think of anything better to do. I'm hanging out with a friend later, but I don't even really like him that much, I just feel like I need some company other than my family for a little while. This will be about the 3rd year of this same 4th of July routine. It isn't fun at my house. My parents rarely socialize. I've got no interest in fireworks. That's pretty sad.

[fixme]

I'm very tired right now but i want to post just to keep my routine going. worked a double an didn't have much time to think about or bother my skin. scratched at it a little in the car on the way home, washed it, and went to bed. ill count this as day 2 of success...i just want to make it to saturday feeling good about how I've treated my skin.