Skin picking and depression

[fixme]

It's been about 5 days since I last posted, and I was doing really well. Got a new job on thursday, and took a weekend trip, and was pretty good the entire time. On friday my fears about my boyfriend came true. It's the end of a give-or-take 3 year relationship. This morning I failed to resist pinching at my face, and was justifying it with "well I'm sad, I just got dumped, I won't do it again, just right now it's making me feel better." I have been trying to do other nice things for myself, like buying some new clothes and music. Obviously it's not going to fill the void, BUT NEITHER IS SKIN PICKING, I need to keep working on constructive ways to handle my emotions, because it's going to be a rocky rest-of-the year. My face is probably going to be broken out because of the extra strain I'm feeling from crying all the time, so it's even more important now to NOT TOUCH IT. DONT MAKE THIS WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS. PLEASE. I want to be a strong and happy person. Every day I wake up and think, "well, still here, still breathing."

[fixme]

I screwed up tonight. I don't know how I'm going to ever stop this. I work from 10 to 10 to keep myself busy and not think about the breakup/ touching my face, but it's like every time I get a spare second to "think" I find myself wanting to "fix" something in the mirror. This morning I put on more makeup than usual because I spent too long in front of the mirror at my sisters house last night. Tonight I scratched at my jaw all the way home from work. I looked at myself for a split second after showering and noticed a red bump on my cheek. I clenched my teeth and really quickly and aggressively squeezed it once until it made a cracking noise and started to bleed. I'm sick and sorry to say that the noise, and seeing what came out, gave me a brief moment of satisfaction. I don't know how to reverse the way this behavior makes me feel. I guess it's the same as alcoholism or drugs in that it will always feel good to the addict, you just have to choose the payoffs of not doing it if you want to quit. So what are the payoffs of not doing it? CONFIDENCE that I am strong enough to control my own behavior, and confidence in having clear skin. That's enough. that's enough. just stop. please.

[fixme]

I don't want to face the reality of my life. This morning the face picking routine spread to any room in the house that still had a mirror the moment I got out of bed. Now my skin is red, it hurts, and I need to leave for work in ten minutes. At least I have a job. At least I have a loving family. I have been proud of myself for not reacting like a lunatic after getting dumped. But this habit of mine is lunacy. Someone, I need some help please! The last thing left to do is talk to someone. A real person, not a forum that people stopped reading in 2005. This step is going to take me a while, unfortunately. Thinking about doing it conjures about a million excuses in my mind, "don't have time, money, don't know anyone who would know how to help,"
It's been about 20 days since I started posting here, about 10 since I challenged myself to stop for 30 days, but I haven't been successful. at all. I guess one more thing I can do is finish covering every mirror in the house. It's deeper than an "I look bad I need to fix it" thought. It's something really subconscious that provides me with relief when I'm doing it. I will actually sit and recall the more "successful" zits I've popped... ones that make a snapping sound, or produced a lot of white matter.
I have imagined a sort of twisted fantasy, like a bargain, since I was a teenager. I'd pray for one really enormous cyst in the most embarrassing place possible. I'd squeeze it until every piece of white matter that I'll ever have in my life is out of my face, even if it is extremely painful, and I'll deal with months of embarrassment waiting for the thing to heal. If only my face would stop breaking out forever!
I know this is not reality. I can't believe that I'm genuinely willing to put myself through that, but not be committed enough to think about stopping every time I try. This is seriously torture I just want this problem gone! I feel so hopeless.

[fixme]

FAIL. I woke myself up crying in a bad dream involving my (ex) boyfriend last night, and I'm really nervous about going to the dentist today. The only mirror left is the one in my mom's bathroom, and first thing this morning I went in there for no other purpose than to start working away at my skin. I actually sat on the bathroom counter with my feet in the sink like I've done in high school. I'm so furious with myself. WHY DO I LIKE DOING THIS??? what is so bad in my life that I have to find relief from reality by hurting myself? My mom just came in here to talk to me and my hand went straight to my face the minute I saw her. I'm still feeling like I have to bottle all of this crap inside me. I don't know why I work so hard to keep what's going on with me a secret from everyone else. It's not like she doesn't see it. It's not like the problem is gone at all but she pretends like it is. I have nothing good to say about myself this morning. I deserve a really painful trip to the dentist.

[fixme]

I should be at work this minute but Im not. I knew this was coming. Yesterday I had a hard time keeping my hands off my face in the car, and last night I even put my head under the towel over the mirror to peek through and pop 2 or 3 zits (that weren't red or anything) in very embarrassing places on my forehead and nose. This morning I thought to myself "I know when I go put on makeup I'm going to do it, ("so don't") but sure enough, there I stood in front of the mirror for at least 10 minutes. I'm going to read "quitpickingonme.com" again because that seemed to help me some.

[fixme]

It's been another month almost and I reverted back to ground zero tonight. Every day my picking got worse and worse, with a mirror or without, and tonight I lifted the towel off the mirror and spent a good half hour pinching and tearing at the thousands of imperfections all over my face. I'm DYING HERE. IM REALLY SUFFERING HERE. IM COMPLETELY LOST AND HOPELESS AND TOO WEAK TO FIX MYSELF. IVE GIVEN UP. IM SO DEPRESSED. I DESERVE TO BE ALONE. my parents ignore my problem. I've lost my best friend. My life is a constant losing battle to keep my head above water. I don't enjoy things like I should, there's just a deep sadness in me that comes out very regularly and when it comes I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to do anything but hurt myself more to distract me from whatever I was sad about to begin with.

[fixme]

I just finished writing a really depressing post, but then I backtracked and read my progress from the beginning. I feel better. I feel like I can write this off as a bad week and press on. It was a bad week, it's the first week of a breakup that I am still not able to come to grips with. It's the first week of a very exhausting new work schedule. I have felt all types of resentment toward anything and anyone who I can somehow twist into blaming for my current situation. I haven't lost this fight at all. The first 2 weeks of June were spent getting better, and as I was reading, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and smiling because I was doing well. This past week, I started to get impatient. thinking "I should be better now, I've learned everything. okay, the end, I can stop trying."
I was glad to read the parts where I reassured myself that this is going to take a long time to fix. There can't ever be a deadline on "the day I've overcome my problem for good." because that day will never come. Every day I keep breathing, I've got a whole lifetime to learn how to manage this demon of mine. I need to go back to the day-to-day, or hour-to-hour pledge, apparently. Every time I fail I need to make sure and think of something I haven't done yet that will help me stop. I'm going to need to either find a way to take down or break the mirror that I used tonight. Once I've lifted the towel to use it, I feel like I'll do it again. Breaking it might actually feel really satisfying.
I had a bad episode an hour ago. My goal is still to have one whole week sick-picking-free.
Looking back on my justifications for doing it...I didn't bring my regular face wash/wipes to Alabama this weekend. I felt very overwhelmed and out of my element around all of the people we visited, and I calmed myself down by touching my face more and more. I skipped out on swimming in the pool with everyone even though it was murderously hot outside, because I had messed up my skin and I was embarrassed, and because I felt like being uncomfortable was a good "punishment" for what I had done. By the time I got home tonight it was a disaster waiting to happen. Once I started doing it, I was conscious of the magical absence of stress and sadness that I had been feeling all week, and it made me want to keep going. "Don't stop the behavior, because then you have to feel again, and you'll cry soon about what you're doing right now, so don't stop." thats what I was thinking.
I actually thought I was going to say "sorry, can't work tomorrow, need to deal with this issue first." when the truth of that statement is, "sorry, I'm terrified of showing the world what I've done tomorrow, so I'll be a shut-in until it heals, even though I know that being alone and bored is a quick trigger to make the picking worse."
Tomorrow I am going to go to both jobs as planned. I'm going to work my can off, and I'm going to wear as little makeup as humanly possible. Hopefully none. Hopefully I can feel strong enough to leave the house in the morning without looking in any mirrors at all, and even if I do, simply accept what I see as it is now, and not try to fix it or cover it up. Makeup is a lie. I look the way I do now because of how I treat myself, and the act of showing it in public, to me, means admitting that yeah, I've got a problem, and yeah, I'm working on fixing it. I justify picking with the "well there's no one around to impress anyway" excuse. I'm going to use the same excuse for no makeup, and no self-scrutiny in the morning. thank you, I feel better.

[fixme]

This morning went so-so, I moved the towel again, and the makeup session was quite a bit longer than my "little to no makeup" plan from last night. The negative effects are most obvious the day after a bad picking session. Any pore that may have been small last night, now infected with the dirt from my hands, has filled with white fluid or scabbed over, and some new red, dark, thick, and painful internal zits are forming. I worked hard today and made a lot of money, and stayed so distracted that I didn't mess with my face too badly all day. When I got out of the shower tonight I moved the towel again and squeezed about 6 or 7 really red spots. I don't really have anything to say except try again tomorrow!!! No makeup? please? No touching? pleeeasse? AND GET RID OF THE MIRROR I KEEP "CHEATING" WITH.

[fixme]

I got some screwdrivers out of the garage and removed the mirror from the medicine cabinet in my bathroom, the one I kept moving the towel to use. It was like the monster inside me was fighting me. Every time I had difficulty with a screw, I'd flip the mirror over and start working away frantically at my face, maybe because I thought "This is the last time!!!" But it wasn't. I got the mirror out, and went straight for my parent's bathroom this morning. My face looks terrible from the bad episode I had on Sunday and the proceeding applications of makeup and the fussing and picking at it even without a mirror. I saw a commercial for a psychiatrist near my house and I am seriously contemplating making an appointment. I'm running out of things I can do to make myself quit. I can throw my makeup in the trash. I guess that's next. Just punish myself with a week of severe embarrassment until I learn to quit messing up my own skin. It's really red today, all over, It looks strange. I just feel generally weak and ugly today. I'm dreading starting the day. I NEED something.... what is wrong with me? I've slept about 16 hours since yesterday and I still feel like curling up into a ball and slipping off into nothingness again. Menial daily tasks feel impossible. Positive. What's positive? I'm still making efforts to stop. I haven't given up writing. In 2 days it will have been a month. Maybe the biggest humps are almost over?

[fixme]

I'm pretty tired. My job is incredibly exhausting. I'm airbrushing T-shirts for tourists on the beach. I must have painted about shirts 30 tonight. The chemicals and fumes that the paint gives off go straight into my pores, and after 6 hours of nonstop blowing paint right in front of my face, It's a big pool of broken out grease. The freedom and the money are way too good to give up, but the tole it's taking on my skin is not good. I find it impossible not to pick and squeeze at my skin, even before washing the paint and adhesive off, making infection and more breakouts inevitable. I went to work without any makeup today! big success! I'll try to do the same tomorrow. I'll try really hard to avoid any skin touching episodes before work. At least I like my job. Thats something. I'm too tired to feel stress tonight, it's nice.

[fixme]

IM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!! IVE ZONED OUT ALL MORNING! WHY DO I DO IT? MY FACE LOOKS DISGUSTING RIGHT NOW!!! WHY DID I DO THAT!?!?! I go in the living room and my mom sees what I've done, and she wants to talk about beach cover ups. BEACH F***ING COVERUPS!?! I"M LOSING MY MIND HERE!!!! IM NOT WEARING MAKEUP TODAY IM THROWING IT IN THE GARBAGE I DONT CARE HOW BAD IT LOOKS. I feel like now my options for what I wanted to do today are limited because I'm embarrassed to go anywhere. GOD THIS IS SICK! BAD way to start a day. I'm doing the go-out-in public thing today. It's got to happen before I can stop.

[fixme]

I made a massacre of my face in my mom's mirror this morning. Then I started bawling and came to the computer to write. Then I yelled at her for ignoring how my face looked and trying to change the subject. She said "But I Love You! I Love You! I didn't notice! I don't know how to help... I'll find you some help..." I know she means it, but I don't think she'll even remember what happened tomorrow. I think I'm on my own in the help department. My sister asked for help for severe depression in November, but she didn't get any. It doesn't just go away, you just learn to hide it and cope with it. You still want to cry every day, but you don't want to bother anyone with your miserable self all the time, so you do it alone. My parents both have nervous habits, but they also have each other, and I guess they've just learned to be happy with it. I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR BEING HAPPY WITH THIS. I can't believe that she didn't notice. I took a picture of it right after I did it, and even in bad light, it's VERY noticeable. I want to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist or hypnotist or someone who can give me an unbiased opinion on what is going on here in my mind and in my house. I threw my makeup away today and faced a pretty embarrassing day at work. I was too busy to be embarrassed, actually, but I think knowing that I'm not going to be able to cover it up or wait around for the redness to go away is making me less likely to touch my face.

[fixme]

I'm picking at my face as I'm researching psychiatrists because it's making me nervous, but that's what I'm here for, so get over it.

[fixme]

Messed up again this morning right after a shower. I was thinking about my over-relationship the whole time.

[fixme]

I've done well this afternoon, but I messed up this morning and used some of my mom's makeup to go out to lunch with my family. It's almost as if I am "forgiving myself" or putting on this "it's no big deal" attitude because deep down I'm afraid of calling a psychiatrist, so instead I'll convince myself that I'm better. Plus my skin is clearing up some so I feel less urgency. I'M CALLING THE SHRINK TOMORROW SO SORRY FACE MONSTER, I WANT YOU GONE.