Skin picking and depression

[RaRax]

i am 17 n i dont know what to do.i honestly thought there was something wrong with me.that i was the only one with this problem.n worst of all,its my face!i mean how can people miss it i know!but they do, at college no one really notices, or maybe they choose not to say anything. but at home, its a constant nag. i know they only want the best, but i would hav stopped long ago if i could.now they have just realised its a true disorder, n im not doing it on purpose.i just need help to cope but wher do i go?what do i do? confused big time!
at first glance i may look like a happy young girl like any other teenager
what is wrong with me.....

[Rana]

I too am a skin picker also known as Dermatillomania and I have suffered depression on and off all my life. I have found myself picking at my skin, which could be my face,neck and arms, and this can go on for an hour. When I am done I also step back( as someone else posted), and want to cry because I can't understand why I have done this. Where did that hour go and why did I lose and hour of my life to disfigure myself. It's a controlling thing and I get in that zone and can't stop. I hate the way my arms look and my face has dark blemishes now but it's so out of control. If anyone has any tips or maybe books that they have found to be useful, please let me know. I didn't know there was a name for this until just recently. I guess, that make me feel a little better, that I'm not a freak, that it actually is a disorder and that there are other people out there like me that have this horrible problem too. I hate this disorder, it can just take over your life if you let it, and I really want to try and stop it.
Stay strong everyone, let's stick together.

[fixme]

My problem started in the third grade. My dad has a very enlarged spongy nose that I believe is a result of a lifetime of picking. My mom has very clear skin, but she has destroyed my dad's back over the years after regular sessions of 'grooming' him, finding zits and blackheads and popping them for him. I watched this behavior all my life and didn't know it was abnormal. When I started to get blackheads, my mom told me what they were, but instead of telling me not to touch them, she would squeeze them and show me what came out. I am 22 years old. I have been suffering from chronic skin picking most of my life. Just a few hours ago I burst into tears after spending several minutes working away at my face in the mirror.

***) I do not blame my parents, or hormones, or a chemical imbalance in my brain. Instead I am taking steps to exhaust every behavior reversal technique I can find, and I am hoping to maintain a journal of my progress online.

1) Two months ago, March 1st. I wrote down an admittance that my problem is mental. And also my fears of telling anyone about my problem.

Before, I would blame it on teenage acne, but I do not have severe acne at all. I am severely addicted to picking at my skin as a means of controlling my emotions. I do it when I am upset, bored, anxious, or even excited about something. In high school I had socially crippling body image issues. In addition to face picking I would eat only one small meal a day. I was weak, emaciated, and my face was caked with white powder to 'cover' the blemishes I created. Looking back, I was obsessed with thoughts that I was ugly, but did not have a clue that my unhealthy habits were at all connected to these bouts of depression and self loathing.

2) I do not expect a fast solution to this problem. It took me 2 months to realize that step 1 (admitting the problem) was not enough. For step 2 I put a piece of paper next to every mirror in my house, and for the last week I have written down every time I pick my face. I often want to lie to myself and not write it, or not go into detail, but I feel like admitting it as it is happening is making me more conscious of it.

I am still afraid that my boyfriend will break up with me if he learns about my disgusting habit. I feel like I am lying to everyone, but the truth shows plainly on my face. I can't believe how damaging a skin picking habit can be to a relationship, but all of the stress and disillusionment that accompany the disorder (or perhaps cause it) are definitely strong enough to tear apart a relationship. I want to get a grip on this and admit to him the truth.

3) Before I tell him, I am planning to show this post to my parents tomorrow. I am staying with them for the summer and I know they will be supportive, they are just unaware of my problem right now. I need to admit to them what is going on so they can help me.

4) I found some helpful tips online that I'm going to try. I've already taped a huge "STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE" sign right over the bathroom mirror so that I have to bend down to see myself in it. Tomorrow I am going to put a piece of tape on the floor to remind me not to stand close enough to rest my elbows on the counter top, because that's when I pick the most. In addition I plan on getting some tennis balls, and holding onto them while I am in the bathroom to try and train myself to squeeze them rather than the zits on my face.

This is as far as I've gotten. I hope that somebody here can relate to me and my choice to do this the hard way. I feel that medication always fixes one problem but creates ten more, so here I am, training myself like a golden retriever. Thanks for reading.

[fixme]

It's 3 am. I think my last post was about a week ago. I gradually got better every day, still keeping a journal of when i do it, still explaining to everyone what the sign on the mirror means. then tonight I had a total 'relapse'. Spent at least 10 minutes leaned against the counter picking at every bump and pore on my face. And there were a lot of them tonight. Maybe I'm getting discouraged because my skin isn't healing as fast as I'd like, and I'm trying to use an "it doesn't look any better when I don't pick" excuse to justify what I've just done to myself. But I've had one "BAD" episode marked in my journal every other day. Not enough time to heal anything. I don't know what brought on this one. I looked at the sign, read it consciously, even passed the mirror a few times with no problem. When I spit my toothpaste in the sink, I was already bent over the counter, and my mind just went blank right there. I can have inner thoughts like "stop doing this to yourself, you really should quit." but the urge is so much stronger than my rational pleas. I'm not going to give up these new tips for behavior reversal yet. I'd really love to make it a whole week without touching my face.

[fixme]

9pm monday night and I've done it again. This is so incredibly frustrating. Overall I had a really great day, Not feeling especially emotional at all. I guess my mistake last night is snowballing, because once I see a flaw (in this case, ones that I created less than 24 hours ago) I can't help but scratch and make it worse. Tonight I am going to cut my fingernails short, and dim the lights in my bathroom so that maybe I won't notice the flaws as much and therefore not pick.
I run into the biggest problem when I am brushing my teeth or washing my face, because I have to get close to the mirror. The sign isn't working, I think about it and ignore it as I am picking. I'm going to put a towel over the whole mirror.

[fixme]

It's 3 a.m again. My last post was only a few hours ago. I got excited about some ideas while lying in bed and started writing them down around midnight, then felt an intense wave of emotions, followed by a jittery insomnia. I got up to go to the bathroom, and guess what!? failed again. Couldn't pass by without giving in to the urge to destroy my skin. This is absolutely sick. My mind just melts away into this strange sort of bliss, floating along from thought to thought while on the outside I'm making a massacre of my face. Going through the motions of this addiction helps calm me down when I feel restless. I am addicted to picking at my face in the mirror and I need help!!!! Writing everything down, regardless of whether anyone ever reads it, is giving me a little hope. I'm not breaking down into hopeless fits of tears over it, instead, every time I fail I take one more step further in preventing it from happening again. There were additional small mirrors in my bathroom that I had overlooked. I've now taken them all down. The tape on the floor didn't work, I stepped right over it. And i didn't cut my nails short enough. I am learning how slow and painful the process of fully admitting and overcoming an addiction really is. I overlooked those mirrors on purpose, telling myself, "I'm not that bad, I won't resort to using these." Not true. I am addicted to this behavior and the sooner I start truly dealing with myself as such, the sooner I can get this bull**** over with. When I quit smoking, I never gave myself an official "last time" I had a good buzz, didn't smoke for a few days, then said, "okay, I guess that can be my last time" and It's been 6 months. Maybe I can emulate that scenario with this addiction?

[fixme]

I'm so depressed. I'm exhausted from all of the mood swings and all of the talking in my head. I feel wretched. I don't remember how to laugh. I say to myself "I hate life" lots of times throughout the day. I hate myself. I am a sick person for finding pleasure in the intensity of hate. I find pleasure in hurting myself. destroying my own skin.

I didn't touch my face tonight, but I haven't tried to wash my makeup off yet. I'm almost afraid to because I'm feeling very emotionally high strung and I know this is a trigger.

I'm locked in my room. My head is whirling again. After 2 sleepless nights I'm still here. I feel tortured by my inability to rest. I feel tortured by being so alive. My dreams have been about having no control, they reflect how trapped I feel. I am unable to communicate these feelings for many reasons. In a moment I may laugh at this and not take it seriously, or I may forget that I've written it altogether and find some other mind numbing distraction.

I hate being alive.

[fixme]

I've been flipping through youtube for 2 hours. I watched videos of people who have body dysmorphic disorder really bad. I looked at them and thought they were stupid, irrational, crazy people. They are annoying, vain, self obsessed people, I hate them, and I hate myself a lot of the time because I feel like I am one of them. I have done the things those people do. I have missed out on being with friends, going to parties, even showing up for school 3 class periods late because of a crippling fear of revealing to people how disgusting I am. I have spent up to 45 minutes in front of the mirror "fixing" my skin, and then afterward felt like I needed to either cake on makeup, or wait several hours for the redness to die down before I could go outside. This happened as recently as a month ago. I SEE on my face the sores and flaws, and I DO make them worse, and I DO suffer from the anxiety that this vicious cycle causes. I cried my eyes out the minute I woke up yesterday morning. I was an hour late for work. My dad even asked what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him. I don't feel that my features are ugly or disproportionate most days, it's mainly a perceived issue I have with the unevenness and redness of my skin, but as a general rule I do consider my friends to be much more attractive than I am. When we go out I feel as though I am invisible compared to them. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember thinking about boys. I don't understand how I am able to carry these beliefs with me still, because in college I felt like I had made enormous strides in confidence. They are all suddenly seeming to crumble as I get closer to graduation, and I'm reverting back to my sick, unrealistic, and self obsessed negative beliefs. It's unspeakably frustrating, and its consuming my life.

[fixme]

Today was not perfect, but I'd definitely call it a success. This morning I told my mom (who insisted that I need to see a dermatologist) that most of the blemishes on my face are made by my picking, and that in high school I had a lot of the symptoms described by bdd sufferers, and that I am starting to feel them again. I managed to make it through the morning standing no closer than 5 ft from the bedroom mirror to dab on a little concealer (the mirror is not in my own bedroom, and there are things blocking the floor so that I can't stand directly in front of it up close) I have been pretty good about washing my face with cetaphil twice a day, but most days I pick and scratch right before or right after washing. Not Today! I caught myself scratching at the dry skin along my jaw line several times without a mirror, which is something I have either never noticed, or never did because I usually relieved the ticks by picking in the mirror. I have been looking for other online resources. On YouTube I felt I could identify with a girl named fran from australia who keeps a video blog of her skin treatment experiments. She recommended the site www.quitpickingonme.com, which reads like a book of technical info that I am finding very helpful. I want to go back to my boyfriend with clear, untouched skin!

[fixme]

Great success today! virtually no picking at all! I was able to brush my teeth in front of a mirror without the urge to pick! All of the information and videos I have been collecting (especially http://www.stoppickingonme.com) has finally started to sink in. I don't feel particularly emotional at all today, and I'm realizing (because today is the first day of my period), that the miserably depressed and frustrated entries a few days before may have had a lot to do with pms as well as being my first few failed attempts to stop. There are about 5 inflamed spots on my face right now. Before learning what they really are and how they heal, I would have already tried to dig out every speck of white and fluid that may be in them. I know that I got a high from doing it, but I'm trying to get even higher on the pride of overcoming my addiction. I need to remember that I will probably fail again and be very careful not fall back into the same destructive patterns as before. It is only 'day 2' of my attempt to stop for 30 days, my record is about 4.

[fixme]

Today was good and bad. I didn't deliberately squeeze or pick at anything on my face today, other than scratching at my jaw line which is always itchy. I washed twice and went to the beach and got some sun (which i am learning isn't especially good for your complexion after all). I managed to scrutinize my skin in the mirror; there are still bumps and inflamed spots, but I resisted the urge to pick at them. I want to trust my skin's natural process of healing itself for once and see how that goes. I have never left it alone long enough to find out. Today I read a lot about the emotional problems that characterize a skin picker, and they fit me to a tee. Control freak, experienced abuse (not physical) in childhood from what I would now describe as "emotional vampire" type friends, overachiever, frowns on substance abuse, repressed sexuality as a result of growing up in a traditional orthodox religious home, other family members who pick, the list goes on, and everything fit me. I am thankful for reading the info on www.stoppickingonme.com because it is giving me a clearer picture of what I am actually up against if I want to succeed at this.

And now for the bad. I did pick at my skin on other parts of my body today for a very short period. I squeezed a very hardened piece of sebum out of a spot on my chest, which for some reason I felt quite victorious about at the time. I also picked at my arms a little. The worst part, however, is what I allowed my mom to do to me. My skin was itchy on my back from being a little sun burnt, and she started to rub it with her fingernails, which feels really relieving, and also good because it's a "bonding" thing I guess. Something I liked for her to do when I was a child. So I had a lot of emotions when she started to try to squeeze my skin and remove white spots. I didn't stop her for a while because of the above reasons, but I'm so ashamed now. After all I am learning, it just sickens me that she doesn't know not to do that. I told her "you know, I've been reading how bad this is for your skin, it inflames it and infects it, and it hurts when you do that" she said "Oh," in a strange tone, and tried to just scratch lightly. My dad was nearby, he said, "It just feels so good when she does that it's worth it." I told him that I am trying to stop it, that doing that is half the reason my face stays broken out all the time, and I started to get teary eyed with frustration. My mom continued to unconsciously dig into my skin with her nails, and I looked down and noticed that all of her cuticles on her feet are really flaky and torn. I've read that the compulsion of picking at your nails is the same sort of self abusive compulsion as skin picking.

I have been back at home for 20 days but it feels like a lifetime. I cannot be happy in a place where I feel so repressed and alone. I hate that my parents don't know how to communicate. They can't read when I am ready to ****ing die inside. My first reaction is to run away but I know that what I actually need to do is even harder. Tell them the real truth, and get them to help me and stop hurting me. I know they don't mean to.

I was also verbally abusive to my sister tonight, whose bad habits and depression are different (and more extreme in my opinion) than mine, so I often judge and bully her. Its a really backwards and totally wrong way of expressing my own frustrations and my concern for her. I'm mean to her because I hate my own life here.

I know that my picking habit is much deeper than it outwardly appears. I know that some other demons of mine are causing it, and they are also directly related to my family relationship problems (mainly the closed-mouthed, taboo, repressed lifestyle that occurs in this house)

My dad also hides his smoking habit. I hate liars a lot more than smokers.

[fixme]

went to the dentist today, which really irritated my skin. Im finding it impossible not to touch the bumps around my lips. I had a few mishaps in front of a mirror today, about 3 or 4 incidents of trying to scratch at or pop small whiteheads. It is frustrating that I have been doing better about not full-on picking, but I now do it more without the mirror, I did it just now. I don't need to give myself an inch if I want to stop altogether. I am happy that today in the car, my mom saw me scratch at my jaw and pushed my hand away. It made me feel like I finally communicated to her my intentions, and that I'm serious about stopping this behavior, and that she will now be helping me a little. So I guess it's day 3 of the "30 day challenge"
and I'd call it a failure, but I'm not starting over, I'm just going to read more and press on. I am getting to the chapter on "12 steps to stop picking" on "quitpickingonme.com" (it is QUIT, and not STOP, as I wrote in the last 2 posts), so I'm going to take notes tonight.

[fixme]

AH I screwed up already this morning and I haven't even been up for half an hour. I brushed my teeth in front of the mirror and noticed a small red bump on the edge of my lip. I leaned into the mirror and squeezed it. Then I realized what I was doing and left the room, only to come back a minute later and find another one. This went on about 4 times, now my hands feel incredibly anxious, I picked at the skin on my thigh where my hand rubs as I walk, I found a tiny not even red bump and tried to squeeze it. I've put antibacterial ointment on the 4 places around my lips, and came straight to the computer to talk out what I am doing. BE AWARE at least so maybe MAYBE I can STOP. I sent my boyfriend an email last night that I am anxious/nervous about, and he hasn't responded, it wasn't about my skin problem, but I think that is part of what is making me jumpy. I JUST WANT TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE WHERE DOING NORMAL THINGS DOESN'T RESULT IN AN ATTACK ON MYSELF!!! I am also late for work. I overslept and it's now going to take me another hour to feel ready to go face the world- no pun intended. This is not a good way to start the day. The dentist also told me I have some cavities which makes me feel gross. My closing remark needs to be positive. I am glad that I am writing here instead of letting this thing snowball out of control again.

[fixme]

The rest of the day went well. I touched my face maybe 2 or 3 times, but when I looked in the mirror, I unconsciously locked my hands together with my fingers intertwined. When I noticed that, it made me feel good, like my subconscious is trying to help me out a little too now. I've been reading about the root emotional issues that can cause a compulsive disorder like mine, and the main one is resentment. Holding on to grudges that allow you to blame others for your problems. I do that a lot, so I made a list of people I have negatively affected by having this problem, and it turns out, most of them are people I have felt (or do feel) mad at for causing some kind of stress in the past. I am working on finding some sort of spirituality that will help me let go of the resentment I feel toward others. I am trying to busy myself with hobbies and interests, and trying really hard to live in the NOW. Right this minute though, I feel a little sick to my stomach because my boyfriend is purposely ignoring my calls today, and I am afraid that I have done some irreparable damage to our relationship with my strange behavior over the last few weeks, plus we have been 300 miles away for that long. I don't know if I can handle to lose him during this really fragile process, but he doesn't even know about it. Gah. frustration.

[fixme]

So this is strange. I know I have touched my face in the last 12 hours, but I can't picture any specific instance in my mind. Either I'm getting better, or I'm creating a mental block so that I don't have to remember if I've done it. I know I did it last night before going out because I was in a different bathroom with harsher light that showed every imperfection on my skin. I concentrated again on the small bump around my lip area, reasoning that if I'm going to do it, at least don't start infecting any other spots by picking, even if they don't look perfect. I'm coming to accept that when I notice a large blackhead or raised bump, it looks normal, and I resisted touching all of them last night even though I had to clench my fists and concentrate on the word "NO." Maybe I can't remember because I had a tough day at work today, I am having trouble calming down from my crazy high speed job. I find that negative "gross out words" like INFECT help me to perceive the habit of skin picking as bad. When you do it all the time you become desensitized to it, and it doesn't seem that gross any more. Gross or not, it is UNHEALTHY, and that is reason enough to stop.