Skin picking and depression

[fixme]

It's 10:30 in the morning. I just woke up from long dreams about my ex boyfriend. I went to the bathroom and couldn't stop thinking about him. My face was already looking not-great before I decided to squeeze at the tiny blackheads in the pores of my cheeks. Now I can feel it, red and stinging, and I'm embarrassed to take my dog out to walk this morning in case one of the neighbors is out and sees me. God I just look stupid. I talked about him way too much yesterday. So, mistake made, lesson learned, quit dwelling on him it's pathetic.

[fixme]

Today is possibly my worst skin day since I've moved, but by far not the most intense emotionally. There about seven big red sores around my mouth and a few others on my cheekbones, all a result of picking over the last 3 days or so. My skin goes through spurts... today everything feels like it's drying up and healing, but it's dark red. Yesterday it was relentlessly sore and "squeezable." It's been almost 3 weeks without makeup, but I don't think I can go to work looking like I've got straight up herpes. The quality of my skin and frequency of picking also coincides with the amount of senseless bitching I do about life, about how someone else is making things more difficult for me in one fictitious way or another. Can we just practice breathing, please? just calm down and don't talk about anyone anymore.

[fixme]

mah face looks like craaaap, cause i scraaaatched at it for the past fiiive days or more.

[fixme2]

Tonight would definitely qualify as an 'episode' I don't know when my last one was, I stopped posting for a while. I have been using a small amount of concealer every morning, and usually fussing once or twice a day, mainly during 'mirror routines' like tooth brushing. There were a few nights that I put on makeup after showering because I was embarrassed that my roommate would see what I'd done to my face. I'm going to start posting again and take the mirrors down if this persists.
I made the mistake of texting my ex today and inviting him to eat with me. When I did it, it was genuine, I missed my friend and I thought "why not spend some time with him while I'm here? why avoid him on principle when I like being around him? I'll tell you why.... because it upset me when he said he had plans. It would severely upset me if I found out he had plans with another girl, and so we can hardly talk as friends still. Oops. my bad. Now I get it, just needed the reminder.
So I won't blame this picking session entirely on him, but I couldn't get the what ifs out of my head today. I couldn't stop feeling lonely and lost, and I took it out on myself again. I was planning to call Chase and ask him to go to "free pie day" with me, so maybe it was the prospect (fear) of a second rejection that caused me to act out against myself.
The pictures indicate that i've been doing it regularly over the past week or two.

[fixme2]

I did really well over the weekend. Worked fri sat sun, and consciously decided to give worrying about school a rest, and got well rested, and my skin is feeling a lot softer than it usually does. (still some bumps and rough patches, but they're on the healing/drying up slope) Thursday wasn't so great, I had makeup on makeup when I went to publix and ran into the ex's parents again (I remember because I was really looking unpresentable and I still like to pretend I have it together around them). The weather is cooling down, and Im snuggled up in bed with my dog early this morning, thinking I'll get up again in about half an hour and start working. Not being able to recall one day from the next is a big part of why I keep falling back into the cycle I think... and I don't know of a remedy for a bad memory, because no one I know has a good one.

[fixme2]

I take it back. It's actually really dry, and I went to put on some concealer just now, and ended up squeezing out a bunch of blackheads. So now I have red blotchy flaky caked on attempted cover up skin. great. just get me through today please.

[fixme2]

At this point I've spent as much money on my dog as I would have on acne treatments. I've still got shitty skin. I squeezed at the blackheads on my cheeks and I don't remember where exactly or for how long. When I did it I was thinking about how I disliked my roommate's admission to me about how many girls he's slept with. In terms of "NOW" I was resisting what I heard. I was almost unhappy that he is able to sleep at night totally oblivious to all the heart's he's probably broken. In any case, it's none of my business, and it doesn't affect me, except that dwelling on it prompted me to abuse myself. I think tonight it's about cleansing. I want all the sad thoughts out of me, all the scars off, and in trying to force some uncontrollable change in the world or in myself, I do the opposite. I bring more bad thoughts and more scars. I cannot reverse this habit alone, I think that's clear enough as I sit here in the same situation from 8 months ago. Thinking and handling and controlling isn't going to get me out of this, I'm in a chinese finger trap. I need to look for help.

[fixme2]

had another episode this afternoon. I have no idea what I was/am thinking. I'm really out of it for no reason today. Having a really hard time focusing... not necessarily feeling all that overwhelmed, just generally lethargic. I'm beyond the point where I could pick up exercising again without it reeeaallly hurting the first few workouts. All the more reason to keep being lazy. I had no plan this afternoon, nothing going on and no one to talk to, but I didn't mind. I still don't feel bad about what I did to my face, I'm numb to it. That's just what's going on right now. I have the munchies but nothing sounds good. If I went to the grocery store I'd probably wander around aimlessly and not buy very much like I did yesterday. I have no desire to go to any stores right now. I've got a mile long list that keeps getting longer of things I need to get done, but I feel like staring at the wall.

[fixme2]

it's getting bad, but I am so out of it I can't remember when, how much, how I felt, anything. But I know I had an episode this morning, possibly yesterday morning, and the day before and the one before. so 4 days in a row of leaning over in front of the mirror for extended periods of time working away at every raised pore on my face. "I have OCD", I keep telling myself. I am embarrassed to put any signs in the bathroom or hide the mirror because I'm afraid to tell my roommate why they're there. And the really bad part about all this is that it doesn't really make me upset right now knowing what I'm doing. How about for every day I pick, I just make a note to go to yoga that day or the following day. I signed up for a month's membership, and it is like punishment for someone who doesn't exercise.

[fixme2]

k today is bad. My brain has been on rapid fire for 3 days now. I can't calm down or breathe or go two seconds without a hundred thoughts bombarding my head. It's bad. I can't work like this. I put my elbows on the sink this morning and picked for 20 minutes, then spent another 10 covering it up. I feel terrible about it today. I told myself to wake up and go to yoga because I picked some last night too, but my dreams this morning were appealing so I went back to sleep. I just feel like a guilty piece of crap. So now I'm trying to decide if i should escape altogether and to shopping for a present for my sister in Jacksonville, or suck it up and see if yoga this afternoon helps clear my head up. I'm of course leaning toward the former. Just slow down. breathe. please. take it one minute at a time and do whatever you want, and don't think about working one bit today after class. just leave it there. k.

[fixme2]

i just picked my right leg and its bleeding in a few spots and im afraid to go anywhere near a mirror because I won't be able to keep it from spreading to my face. My mind is sick and I have no one to talk to about it except my dog and my computer because I am too afraid and ashamed to ask for help. This is real and it's serious, I'm compulsively injuring myself. I feel disgusted that i did that to my leg, but also proud that I came here instead of looking for a mirror, and also terrified that my problem is gradually spreading to other parts of my body. My mind says "I have to take a shower now" but really it means "i have to go to the bathroom to continue this ritual, I have to keep punishing myself" For what!?!?!

So what now? Go put towels over the mirrors. then come back here. K that was good. Now just sit and meditate for ten minutes. Well that didn't work. I managed to kinda fall asleep for 15 minutes and couldn't count past 10 without a thought coming up. If I try again I'll just end up passing out. So what now? procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate! am I enjoying the procrastination? yes. It excites me in a weird way.

I literally have a ring of red marks on my leg. I'm having an episode of depression, and nothing seems to be working for it but time.

[fixme2]

I messed up my face first thing this morning, like before my brain was even adjusted to waking up. My whole right cheekbone is inflamed and I squeezed a bunch of pores on my cheeks. I emailed a school counselor to set up an appointment. It's making me lose my damn mind. I looked at all the 230 pictures I've taken of myself since I started this thing. Overall I see a person that has a few really lucky good days among weeks of mediocre ones, only in about 4 pictures do I look really alert and healthy. I want to focus on school, but this past 7 days has been draggingly depressing, and I am not being patient with myself because I don't have a week to spare. I'm putting undue pressure on myself which is causing me stress. Do what you can and that's all you can do. easy. okay I'm pep talking myself into having a good day. I KNOW that I CAN go without makeup and be FINE. I've done it, and my skin improved. I'm going to try again when this tube runs out which won't be long.

[fixme2]

I wrote an email to the counselors at my school hoping to talk to someone, and they can't fit me in for 3 weeks, because everybody's got problems. I picked at the back of my legs a lot this morning when I took the dog out, they still sting, and then at my arm when I got in, and then the pores on my left cheek when I went into the bathroom. My face feels greasy and awful to begin with because its that time of month.

[fixme2]

I did it again right before I took a shower, my elbows went down on the bathroom counter and I knew what that meant, and before I could pull myself up my face was red and blotchy again. I helped the neighbors bring in groceries earlier, but I wouldn't stay and have a conversation, because I was embarrassed about the big scab I made on my nose yesterday. It's all I could think about. Even earlier still today Denise came upstairs, and I was on the couch picking away at my legs. I didn't want to get up because I was afraid she would notice the red bumps. I feel so incredibly lonely and stuck and sad with this problem, and I'm too ashamed or proud or afraid to tell people, and it makes me hate myself.

[fixme2]

So it's Halloween and I had another episode this morning. I had a fun night last night and was proud of myself for taking some initiative and hanging out with new people. I was feeling pretty independent and good, even this morning. But I was also harboring some anger at my friends who I felt wronged me last night, and feeling a deep need to make them feel bad about what they did. I think that's what triggered the episode. Not them, me. My inability to let go of something that happened in the past and makes no difference whatsoever. So great. Captain Hindsight has solved another one, but my face still hurts, and looks bad, and embarrasses me, and prevents me from doing things I want to do. I'm so glad I'm seeing someone about this soon. My peak emotional week-of-the-month is on the downward slope now, so I don't feel terribly emotionally affected by what I did. There's a sore in my mouth I keep biting accidentally and it hurts. Happy Halloween.