21 days to break a habit

[hoppe]

Hi all

It is late evening, where I live. I feel exhausted. I have been running away from myself most of the day. A second ago I found myself in front of the mirror. I raised my hands... and put them down again. No harm done. Yet. But I have to admit that I want to. The pain inside of me is killing me. And I feel pressure on my shoulders. The pressure of not doing it again. A few minutes in front of the mirror and the pressure would be gone..... .
Illyria, I hope you are right that eventually I will not only open up for pain, but also for joy, happieness, pleasure, all those things that I have not been able to really feel for a long time. However, right now, it just hurts.
I will try to go to bed now. Sleep is a wonderful state of mind. I often use it to escape from myself.

I just want to tell you that it feels good to be able to write in this forum. You all seem to be so warm and friendly, but at the same time also funny, intelligent, creative... . Thank you for listening.

hoppe

[Flawless Desire]

Hello to all those who join in the fight:

Illyria, & Hoppe---Thanks for offering your perpsective on all of this ....pickers life.
Thank you for showing letting us in. I hope to learn something from your plight and hope you might learn something from mine. It's great when we can help one another.

ALSO MORATORIUM.....WILL YOU STILL BE JOINING US WHEN YOU HIT DAY 21?? OR WILL THAT ONLY REMIND YOU OF THE PROBLEM? JUST CURIOUS?

I am feeling pretty good today! I have an agenda.
It is very good to lay in bed at night and develop an agenda (Things you HAVE to do) . This way you will force yourself to get a move on and focus on something else for awhile. I always have my "Have to do" list. And an "If I'm still feeling good list' ...I keep on going.

Choosing projects around your house is a great sense of accomplishment, then instead of kicking yourself for picking, you can see that you got something constructive done. (That helps me)

Another thing is reading motivational books. (THERE ARE A LOT OUT THERE) _--I can't help but get excited and pumped when I go to the SELF HELP section at barnes and noble. I could stay there for hours. It's hard to choose just one book.

My best results came after reading one such book. I have since started re-reading it.

I also realized that sometimes IT DOES take hitting rock bottom to pull your ass back up. I've hit rock bottom before. (Talk about ending up in the hospital with stitches) Long story....I'll share it with you sometime.
Pretty painful...more on the inside then the outside though.

Keep the faith!!!
LOVE BOTH OF YOUR NAMES.

TO MY OTHER HELPFUL PICKING ANGELS.....THANKS FOR GETTING BACK TO ME ON THE DERMA WEBSITE ADDRESS AS WELL.

[anne]

Hi guys! Welcome Illyria and Hoppe, I have missed quite a few posts lately. I have been picking a little each day lately at the same spots, but not starting any new which is good I suppose. My problem lately is that I have a hypertrophic scar, actually two one worse than the other. Right after I pick it and it heals it seems flatter for awhile but then as it heals it slowly start to get puffy again and my fingers want to tear it apart again. I also have some indented scars I've been dealing with,all of these scars came from infections I had in the last year. Even when I don't pick I find myself feeling so anxious about it wondering if it will get much better or if I need surgery or something. In the meantime the rest of my skin is super smooth and pretty because I have left it alone. Well I am starting my day one of no picking again today and I am doing my best but sometimes wonder if it is enough. Moratorium, since you are the first place winner in this race, I'm assuming you will make it what is the secret?? What do you do when temptation is at it's worst? Do you still feel the temptation? Have you had a bad zit staring at you lately Just curious because you have excelled and should share more of your secrets!!! Everyone else seems to be doing great as well, even if you've started over a few times your spirits are good and you are all winners in my book!

[marker]

Hey all of you. This is marker, aka markers as a guest. I joined y'all in this 21 day zt around the 24th i think. I hadn't been picking for 2 days before that, so even though I hadn't committed myself to stopping, I counted those two days in. After 2 more days of not picking, I had that crazy urge, and indulged in it. I think I picked for 2 days in a row..nothing major..but everywhere with minor swelling...and a few ugly spots...yep..major is a lot worse than that. But yesterday and today, I haven't had the urge. I wonder why its so spontaneous now. It used to be a routine for me..that I would do my picking at some point in the day, everyday. Now, unless I'm having some sort of panic attack, I'm able to just put it in the back of my mind, and move on. I know the picking urge will be back soon though..(dun dun, dun dun)...uhh the jaws theme. haha, I'm not too good with writing on these message boards. sorry if my posts r boring. Moratorium, great chart. I need to print another one out, since i think my mom threw it away while cleaning. Anyway, good luck to all of you. I will try to post my progress more regularly..take care.

[moratorium]

I am celebrating Day 20's near completion and it really is beginning to dawn on me what I've done and how much needless destruction I've prevented over these last few weeks. anne, I'm so delighted to hear from you, glad you have reported back on how you're doing. I just want to thank you for being there right from the start, I really would have been in no-man's-land without the edification of this shared experience.

I'm sorry to hear of your scar purgatory, I had one of those recurring miasmas of doom on my nose, where by I'd keep trying to reset the healing of the area with self-performed microsurgery (byword for demented pick onslaught) hoping that it would heal over smoother with each transgression. Of course it didn't. What I did find helped to smooth it over though was using essential oils for quite a long period. Then when I went on a course of retin-a it really regenerated the skin in the area and now it's barely noticeable. I'd definitely recommend retin-a, although you have to be committed to not picking because if you pick while you're using it you are almost guaranteed to scar at the injury site. I've been able to use it a bit during these 20 days knowing that there's a reduced risk of me picking and obviously it's proved to be an added little incentive.

As for your provocative question inquiring whether or not I've had any tempting pustules... ;D of course I have, I've made no bones about the fact I'm in the midst of a pre-menstrual underskin party... now with added gatecrashers. But it's not so much my skin that has changed, it's my perspective. I'm sticking by my formal address to all the skin flaws that will come and go for the foreseeable future, within the confines of my organ. I hope, for the first time in ages, they enjoy that subcutaneous all-night rave of theirs because I've awakened to the realisation that I no longer wish to pick at every man jack of them in the hope of striking effluvium.

Something really did switch in me around the time of the first week and it has yet to disband. I can't quite explain it, and I wholeheartedly concede it certainly isn't easily imparted to all my wonderful fellow pick-kickers, as I'm the only one still on the wagon, but as FlawlessDesire extrapolated, it's the notion of hitting rock bottom and then having to reconvene and send in the emergency task force.

I tried to liken it to a road traffic accident with little success in my last post! Even so, I maintain it is like suffering a blow to the head and then having to relearn who you are and how to see yourself, and of course; which aspect of your cognitive abilities to assign to skin care. If you hand over the responsibilities to the part of you that wishes to stop, that wishes to no longer be in deference to a slavish picking cycle, the part of you that understands what a long-term, diligent cleansing regimen is and doesn't contrive against all better judgement to perform a quick, incendiary route to an unrealistic idea of 'perfection' then the burden of constantly employing 'prevention' techniques to avoid picking shifts emphasis, it isn't prevention, it is a new way of life devoid of picking.

hoppe, I really feel for you and the anguish and the emptiness you describe. I can wholly empathise with the self-imposed distancing of yourself from friends and vice versa, feeling so self-conscious about your skin is a stifling mental albatross. It knows no bounds to the social anxiety it can induce, even to the point you can become a virtual recluse. It is not merely a bad habit. The face is the visual centrepiece of who we are, it is the base for all physiognomy, expression and communication. If we've got it into our minds that it is showing outward signs we feel reflect badly upon us, this can set in motion all manner of fears and phobias and acts of self-destruction.

To examine how we come to such conclusions; the 'all or nothing' syndrome, takes a lot of pain and reflection. Why don't we feel confident in ourselves regardless of the fluctuating state of our naturally regulative skin? There must be a trigger to offset such an obsession, we obviously have been party to some form of rejection or lack of acceptance at some point in our lives to give us such a poor image of ourselves. Perhaps something entirely innocuous like a passing remark about a certain aspect of our appearance or even something deeper. In my case, my mother would verbally insult me for much of my infant life, call me ugly, fat, an imbecile. My anterior cingulate has been off the scale for much of my life probably due to this foreboding sense of rejection and scrutiny. CSP and anorexia were my reactive response to improving myself, desperately searching for acceptance and love.

It is damn painful to trawl through all these ventricle dwellings and I'm not really one to baste myself in pathos. My mother is a wackjob. I realise now she is in deep emotional pain of her own. It's much more productive to try to convalesce through unadulterated chart colouring! We are an extraordinary animal, just look at the corpus we've produced over these pages! As pickers we may be self-obsessed, but at least we know how to transpose it into an entertaining read!

Illyria thanks so much for your considered advice and selfless words of wisdom. You really are the sweetest soul. The way you are so encouraging to others and write so movingly with such an erudite grasp of language is breathtaking to behold! Who knew suicidal pickers had so many strings to their bow? You are a remarkable individual, I wish I could grant you a skin peel or whatever constitutes a symbol of fortitude for a CSP sufferer (I think I fell somewhat flat effusing a supply of anal cat ointment! btw anonymousartist, it's because buffy found out a few pages back that it was a miraculous cure for picking wounds. )

Flawless Desire, I hope your projects go well. You too are such an impressive woman with a terrific creative streak and great ideas. I found your post about the self-help section really inspiring. Hopefully next time you leaf through one of those books you'll be leaving a forensic trail of dermalogica! ;D Best of luck with your errands and of course your skin.

I wish I could reply to everyone but I've already waffled on for far too long! marker, Irene I'm sending you my thoughts too.

Day 20: done and dusted.

[lisabd8300]

hey girls, i have just completed day 8. My skin is looking pretty good, i just wear sunscreen mixed w/ cetaphil lotion and concealer where needed followed by a dusting of powder.

This past week i've only been washing my face w/ cetaphil and lukewarm water. I use to wash my face w/ hot water but i have realized this past week that it was really irritating and drying out my skin a lot. So my skin is not so dry and irritated since just using cetaphil and lukewarm water.

At night i use 2.5% Benzol Peroxide to keep me free of pimples. I have this huge zit under my eye-it's so swolledn and bid and it looks like i got punched. I'm not going to touch it b/c i think it is undr the skin, but if it looks like it can be squeezed out successfully i will let my mom do it for me.

I hope u r all doing well!

Moratorium-u r almost done 21 days-i'm so proud of you, tomorrow is your last day, you go girl, u r trully an inspiration. To Anne, Flawless,Marker, Irene, Hoppe, Illyria, Coolhandluke and everyone else, i hope you are progressing and are becomeing more in control of this habit each day.

Sorry i took so long to post but my computer had a virus, but now it's repaired.

Take care of yourselves.

Also, Flawless, you asked me to tell u a bit about smoothbeem. I believe it is a little device that is (or is like) a lazer. It gets rid of acne and smooths out the skins texture and minimizes scars and supposedly there is no down time. It costs a/b $450-550 canadian dollars. Do a search on it and you will find more info if u r interested. I'm going to do it when my face is 100% blemish free!

lisa

[coolhandluke]

By the way, I find that cold water helps seal in moisture when you wash your face, but yet still gets your face squeaky clean. And this plastic surgeon who wrote an amazing book called "The Acne Cure," he said that when you apply cold compresses to a zit, it keeps the swelling down and opens the pores. So that's why I use cold water on my face, so that when I put on moisturizer afterward, it can get inside the pores.

I don't know if the plastic surgeon (who is certified by a bunch of surgery and plastic surgery boards) is correct, but I would assume so; I was majorly impressed with his research on acne. I tried his ideas and they worked for me, so I figured he must be right. But I've also heard that hot water opens your pores, so I'm still not sure who's right.

If anyone wants to read the book, it's called "THE ACNE CURE," and it's by Terry J. Dubrow, M.D. As I said, he's board-certified by the American Board of Plastic Surgeons. Unfortunately, he also does plastic surgery on this reality show called "The Swan," although he points out to the press that none of those patients receive all those things done during the same surgery, none of them have to pay for it, and no patient in real life would be able to get a doctor to approve having all that done at once or even during two separate surgeries. Lastly, he said he wanted to do reality show work because he could have the rare opportunity to work with a team of plastic surgeons (which is what it would take to do 10 surgeries' worth of work in a single operation), which would be an enriching experience.

I don't approve of what he's doing, but I did some web research, and it seems to me he's still shown himself to be a very competent physician, researcher, and surgeon. Unlike most doctors who write books about their amazing cures, Dubrow backs up his claims with empirically-valid and experimentally-supported data.

Anyway, I'm just quite the little motorfingers this evening, so I think I'm going to step away from the computer now.
Later,
cool hand luke

[playinwitfire]

:DHeyho every1

I've just spent ages reading everyones new posts and they are all most inspiring journeys that weave this indestructable thread (more like rope) of hope. And what's more we're not only hoping, we are in fact succeeding many of us for the first time no doubt..me included ;D (DAY 5!!)

lisabd8300 its really great your on day 8 I'm not far behind you! I can't imagine how my skin will look after 21 days..it was astounding just to wake up this morning and feel my smooth skin on my forehead..it was something quite surreal. It really is like entering a new dimension.

OMIGOSH!! Moratorium you have like 1 day left and I'm guessing that day ends today..we should all be here to congratulate you I'm super proud of you it must have taken so much strength bit like pedalling up a huge hill that just totally takes the piss! i think for you now the hardest part must be over..I truly draw on your strength and take comfort that someone is standing at the top of the virtual hill and holding out their hand to all of us *lights, music* wow what a show!

Well I've got another 15 days..im gona count how many days left not how many days done..the galss is half full! I've noticed since I have begun to control my hands and the intrusive thoughts that perpetuate the picking motion I've been able to sift out other negative thoughts..I think it has got the ball rolling in other aspects of my mental character. I no longer have the constant buzz of reproductive thoughts that hit me like a wall in the morning and are weighing down me like a crucifix by the end of the day..i feel im on the road to inner calm and quiet.

Flawless desire I'm glad the website is of use..have you ordered anything yet? I'm picking up a host of dermalogica today from a salon

I just had a thought..wouldn't it be weird if some of us were to discover that someone else on this board was in fact someone we had met in real life...

Marker..I admire your strength to start your chart..because i know the first few days are the hardest. I kept fooling myself into thinking well i can pick a bit so what if i pick the whole lot 2 days nothing lost nothing gained i might aswell start again..omg i must write a poem it like rhymes!! heehaar! wow my subconscious is so clever!!

Anne and Hoppe..Your staying power is exemplary..once you have gone past the first 4 or 5 days you gotta promise yourself there's going to be no looking back. I've done that on day 5 today and with each day now my promise to myself becomes more within reach.

Everyone just imagine when you raise your hands I'm giving you the hugest virtual slap! so hard your hand swells up and you can't even move your fingers..woah I didn't know i had it in me..remember its virtual it wont hurt!! ;D

Moratoriums right..your skin never gives up on you and it will never stop healing for you..its the delicate shell of your person that takes on so much onslaught..and now is the time to stop fighting it, give to it the endurance and peace it has shown itself and you have denyied it for so long.

Best wishes, I love you all!

'Angels lift us to our feet when we have forgotten how to fly'

XxJessxX

[hoppe]

Hi all

I had a bad minute in front of the mirror this morning. I stopped immediately, so already now (2h later) it is hardly visible. However, I do not know how to deal with it emotionally. The strange thing is that instead of feeling down because of it, I actually feel happy that I stopped so quickly. I think I felt playinwitfire' s virtual slap on the fingers... ;D.
Anne, I also have one of those hypertrophic scars and I just hate it. After I got it, I think I attacked it at least 6 times, each time letting it heal and then attack again, hoping that it would look better this time. At first it always did, but then it seemed to be growing again to this little ugly bump. Well, at least now I know that attacking it does not help so I have left it alone for a month or so. It does not get bigger, at least... .

moratorium, I can relate to your history with your mother. My mother left me, when I was around four, she could not handle the responsebility. Throughout my childhood I have seen her seldomely but she always managed to get me down. Once, when I was 18 and severe bulimic/depressed, I asked for her help, but she could not provide any. Today I know that my mother has a lot of issues (depression, eating disordes and also CSP, I believe), it makes it easier to accept her incompetence as a mother. On the other hand it also sometimes makes me worry - to what extend is this genetic? And will I ever be able to be a good mother?

I feel a bit stronger today. I will keep on fighting. Best wishes to all of you.

hoppe

[playinwitfire]

Hey Hoppe

Funny, I had a bad minute in front of the mirror too..after the third squeeze i managed to pull away. I actually thought i was giving myself a virtual slap! I'm glad it wored for you! I have a little inflammation but its going down now I'm gona do a salt steamy for my face to make amends for the damage.

Aargh I've actually got to finish this application form now..I've got waaay 2 much time on my hands..and I will get employed (one day)

Love n hugs
:)Jess

[coolhandluke]

My picking is trying to work against me; I've had a few picking sessions these past few days, but luckily they were on my coverable arms.

One thing that is beginning to help me: I read this book called "Maneater" (there is another, alternate title of it called "The Woman With a Worm in Her Head") by Patricia Nagami, who is an infectious disease doctor. Anyway, she writes these gruesome tales of her patients who come down with horrific diseases due to parasites, spider bites, bacterial diseases, viral infections, etc. Anyway, every time I start to pick, my brain starts remembering her story of a man who died of chicken pox (it's lethal in adults, but children usually can fight it off, because they still have their thymus gland or something). She talked of how his skin was so raw and eaten up by the virus, that they had to give him skin grafts like he was a burn patient. "His skin was almost completely eaten away...it was no longer protecting him." (paraphrase) I keep remembering that line, and sometimes it helps me not to pick; I want MY skin to do its job and serve as an impermeable barrier against terrible bacteria and the like.

Am I a bit on the morbid side? Yep, sure am. Oh, well, whatever helps a person stop picking!
Later,
cool hand luke

[moratorium]

Well, I've nearly done it. Today is Day 21. Allow me a little premature celebration because I know I won't be defiling myself between now and when I slip into bed in a moment or two.

Today is a truly momentous day. Not because I've beaten my daemons and stuck to my guns to defeat my picking habit... but because uncannily the genome code of the acne bacterium Propionibacterium acnes has been cracked! This is absolutely fantastic and fascinating news. They can now work on pinpoint precision treatments to help defeat it. It really is amazing what they've uncovered; 2333 genes of an unanticipated sophistication. Some actually have specific code for producing enzymes which break down the skin and the bacteria lives off the various products of the degradation - which is what apparently triggers the inflammation and immune response.

This is really groundbreaking. Acne is not a genetic predisposition, it is a reflection of an individual's immune system and how strong it is against fighting this bacterium. This makes so much sense, my second-rate immune system doesn't stand a chance! And I have noticed marked improvements in my skin when living a healthy lifestyle which boosts the immune system, combined with eating lots of antioxidants, fresh fruit and the like.

If you just consider for a moment the sophisticated genes and enzymes which create skin blemishes it really does show picking to be such a futile defence. We're talking about using physical force applied by our fingers, against enzymes evolved over thousands of years to degrade the skin to its advantage. It is no match. We are only damaging the skin further while it's in a very vulnerable and fragile state.

I really suggest you all look around at the news articles released about this scientific breakthrough. I find it absolutely mindblowing.

Lisa, I'm so proud of you for getting to Day 8 despite your setback. You really deserve to succeed, you've been such a wealth of support and determination throughout this ordeal.

hoppe and Jess, it's great to hear you sounding so positive. It is a credit to you both for managing to limit the damage and pull up the safety guard when you knew you were headed for a fall. That must be one of the hardest dichotomies to rally against, actually managing to act against your impulses is a huge achievement. There must be an incredibly strong urge to quit lurking in there and looking out for you.

hoppe, it was very touching to read of your childhood experiences. It must be so very difficult to perceive the world as anything other than a hostile and desolate place after such early impressions. I really hope you find the sense of self-worth you are so obviously lacking, you are a sweet and timid soul. There is a website on dermatillomania that links a subset of 'mother-mania' as a contributory factor for developing self-mutilating coping mechanisms like CSP. It is hard to let go of it as a comfort blanket. It's so easy to get wrapped up in its familiarity, numbness, sense of control and the way it excuses you from social situations or tackling the underlying emotional turmoil. It's a matter of whether you want to let go to see who really lies beneath, to at least offer that person a shot at the life they may fantasise of living.

CHL, that's a terrific line in morbid aversion you've cultivated there. I too now have a vision of a decomposing, living carcass at the forefront of my mind! I hope your arms heal soon.

I can’t believe it. I've had a 21 day epidermis epiphany!

[playinwitfire]

Hey way to go Mora! You've really shown us how its done! Before I go to bed on my day 5 I'm gona give you a huge virtual hug to say congrats and thankyou for what a fortress of strength you have proven to be. I don't think I could keep thiis up without the knowledge it was actually doable and that someone has accomplished it before me. So how does it feel..exhilirating must be one thing 4 sure. Do you think the 21 day theory works? My urges started subsiding today and I at quite a loss without them like something, some part of my mental, daily structure was missing. But as you yourself can probably testify to its just your mind (and fingers!) adjusting to their new found freedom. I have been able to completely stop the conscious mirror picking and I'm not giving it any brain space..but my creep subconscious is subjecting itself to subconscious picking..which I used to do ages ago when my problem started..so as far as i can see im in the process of reversing my habit almost like turning back the clock..and you know what, to have that power and control over more than one level of thinking makes me feel just great. Moratorium i know lol that i've worn out the words of gratitude in your direction..but hey who provided us with the great incentive of the chart!! I have at frustrating times, when my hands have begun a reluctant half-hearted hesitant course of destruction I have literally sat here knowing i could depend on your progress and your recognition of my own to block out the urges, soothe my soul that aches for freedom and walk away each day with renewed conviction that i and everyone here is 100% capable of making it through to the other side by leaning no longer on our picking but on eachother..we are more capable that anyone else. Because anyone else hasn't built up the determination we've had to against this.

always here

XxJessxX

[hoppe]

Hi all

Again a bad minute in front of the mirror this morning.... . Seems as if I am not ready yet to completely let this habit go. However, I also saw something interesting when I looked in the mirror. I have a face again. A real face. Not just a big infected pimple, but a face .... .

moratorium, congratulations to you!!!!!! I so hope that you will be pick-free from now and until eternity has passed. Also thank you for your kind words. Actually, although my mother has been worthless in most aspects regarding parenting, I think my real problem is my father. But lets take that another day. Just thinking of him usually makes me suicidal.

I just saw the article in Science (The Complete Genome Sequence of Propionibacterium Acnes... ). Interesting! Although I thought they already completed sequencing that one some years ago... . Are you into science, moratorium? I have studied molecular biology for five years now. One of the few things I can actually enjoy!

moratorium, playintwitfire, collhandluke, anne, flawless desire, Illyria, Irene, and all others... I often think of you. Who you are... What you are doing now... How you are feeling... It would be so great to meet you one day. I know it will never happen. But it sure would be great.

hoppe

[marker]

I haven't picked since my last post. I'm going into this fearless..but i wonder where the strength will come from when I need it the most. I'm so proud of everyone who's out there struggling. Reading your posts is so inspiring. I have a new problem on my hands right now. My appetite is completely gone, even though I'm hungry. Its because of that stupid guy I rambled on about in my other post. Anyway, I need to print out that chart and keep track of my progress. Y'all rock!