21 days to break a habit

[Flawless Desire]

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for the email. I am feeling so much better about ..ME. I'm happy you seem to be doing good to.

Tell me more about the treatment you are thinking about getting. I have not heard about smoothbeam, but it sounds like Laser treatment? Is it? My last dr. did not get very technical, about it.

It would be so great to talk with someone who was going to be going thru something similar at the same time. So keep me posted, what and when you plan to do the deed. If it is, what I mentioned.

I am pretty freaked about doing anything so major like that, but I know in the end, I won't ever feel good knowing I didn't try.

Almost everything is nearly healed on me, but then I got a shiner above my left eye. You know the kind where if you push on it too much, the whole forehead swells up.
I can't say that I have had anything like that in awhile.

I have a cold compress on it now though, so hopefully the swelling will at least go down a bit.

Don't you hate that when you're nearly healed, then a straggler comes along that won't let you ignore it.
(or so we think)

If I get something that hurts under the skin, I usually don't care, I will at least have to give it a few minutes of my time, because it's not just something little you just that you notice when you look in mirror. It's when they hurt, ........all bets are off. This one hurt, like an SOB, and my minor extraction actually made it feel so damn much better.

So I'm guilty and sorry to say, I'm still glad I did it cuz now there is not so much pressure right there. It's when you feel super guilty I guess that you "just know" you've gone too far. I dont' think I have, and I guess I'd do it again if I needed to, so I guess that means I am not so disgusted with myself that I crossed the line, into the "trance-like" state. A few minutes is attention to detail...anything beyond that is obsession. LOL


Keep up with your success!!! You're my new hero!!
Everybody needs one!

Talk to you soon.
Flawless (what an oxy moron) that name is.

[moratorium]

Hi Lisa, Flawless and anyone still desperately clinging on. After today I only have 3 more days to complete the 21 days I set myself.

I have been reading a little about the various functions of the brain because I am so sure, having had introspection thrust upon me throughout this challenge that the part of the brain responsible for choosing picking as an habitual coping mechanism overrides our true sense of 'planning' and 'problem-solving' - apparantly attributed to the frontal lobe. We gather sensorial input (spatial, visual and auditory) of our present situation e.g, we see we have a cluster of clogged pores. And then our brain engages in planning (to sequence a course of action) and 'problem-solving' - understanding that sequences have a cause and effect and choosing the correct behaviour to minimise undesired consequences. When this part of the brain is impaired it is noted that you experience problems considering more than one variable at a time as a factor of influence. The overwhelming, anxiety-driven urge to pick at skin we find unsatisfactory, completely bypasses the considered reaction that there could be alternative variables to dealing with the problem, like making sure you stick to a good cleansing routine, eating all the correct foods/vitamins which promote healthy skin, and allowing time for healing.

The 'cause and effect' faculty is also a nonstarter where picking is concerned. How many times have you ended a pick fest not knowing whether or not things will heal adequately and not result in scarring?

Apologies for my half-baked psychobabble, but because I've gone through such a lay off, nearly 3 weeks complete now, I've been forced to consider the other 'variables' when I've had little break-outs, whereas before I was like a red rag to a bull, there just didn't seem to be any alternatives.

I'm sure this is of no consequence to those of you still grappling with your inner picking deamons, and I sincerely hope you're doing well. This is a self-destructive affliction which adheres to no logic.

[Illyria]

Hi everybody !

I am totally new at this. I've been introduced to this site a couple of days ago and attempted to implicate myself first by echoing the thoughts expressed in "what a waste of life" and then by officially registering. Yet, I could not find it in me to actually concretize the steps that such an emotional endeavour might entail. But then, very subreptiously, I started to feel more empowered and a more lucid crisis manager emerged within the confines of my broken soul. It is a very subtle change; it occured at a time when I had basically given up on life. I thought I was beyond repair. And then I find myself waking up in the morning and knowing with great relief that I am not alone; that even if things were to go awfully wrong, nothing could take away from me this new source of strength and understanding that all of you guys represent. I really was at my wit's end and go figure, in a Hollywood-kind-of-twist, without consciously applying myself to commit to a 21-day-trial, I begin putting my hands down whenever they previously would have gone on a wild and bloody rampage.

So there I am, without a "real" first calendar day, but so willing to join the fight, share my overburdenned personal history and learn from your collective wisdom. Sometimes, that little extra that one needs to grow is as basic and humble as a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on (well, in this case it would have to be hands and shoulders!). Truth is normality is only very relative and seems to comfort the ignorants and the blinds in their efforts to eradicate anything sligthly different. It' s OK to talk publicly about cancer, lupus or diabetes. But when you suffer from a mental illness or a behavioural disorder, hush, hush, how shameful. Under these circumstances how is one ever supposed to get better?

Finally, I would like to extend a special thanks to Moratorium who acknowledged my reply and grasped the torment I was in. You are truly a magical, blessed and gifted spirit. Your compassion in all your messages throughout the board is infinite and unconditional. I took the liberty to visit your website (the Scarlett imagery) and I commend you for such a deep and comprehensive approach. And by the way, your info on the brain chemistry is not academic jargon. Just shows you're a brilliant individual and that on top of writing quite elegantly you also possess scientific abilities. Truly, you are a beautiful mind.

[A new day]

Congrats again Moratorium! You are a picking icon for us all. You have overcome this for now, and hopefully for good. What will you do with all your extra free time saved from picking and writing about picking?

You could save the world now. Or at least save the rest of us.

Welcome also to Illyria, you will be a welcome breath on this site, another intellectual writer. (Not comparing you to me, ha ha.. but to Moratorium) You seem very similar in nature to that individual, as well as the manner in which you write. It's really interesting to read all the different people's writing styles and gaining their perspectives.

As for me, I was quite pleased with myself up until yesterday, I thought the shiner above my eye, just needed a little release and I had thought the swelling truly went down.. I guess it was just temporary. (I wonder why the forhead skin is so much different in reacting then the other skin on the face?) Nothing else seems to turn into a tumor.

Any pick is a bad pick. LOL, my forehead re-swelled like a baboon's backside as someone said--this happened to them LOL (Well at least in that one spot) And it would be nice if you thought nobody noticed, but then someone did the unthinkable and asked me if I bumped my head. LOL, so of course I said yes.

I guess that's okay if somebody thinks I bumped my head, not the worst thing that could have happened, but that means it's noticeable! UGH, I wish people would just shut up, then you can at least "assume" they didn't notice.

I have to go to work and I need to be strong. I can usually get myself in a state of confidence, but it's so much easier to just hide out at home. It feels so much safer and less vulnerable, yet I know I need to be around people as well and be social with the world. We were meant to have human contact, not be pent up in our house.

So I am glad I am forced to go to work sometimes and put my mind where it can be constructive.

Sometimes I feel like I am getting worse. Sometimes I feel like I am getting better. I wish it were more consistent. I guess if I dont' pick, I need to remember that I can't help but be on the up-swing. I need to relate "getting better" to not picking and not just "getting better" to healing skin. That will come second, if I can achieve the first .

I tried to order derma. products, but there is nobody in my area who has it, and it looks like you need a prescription? Can you order it over the phone does anybody know?

That's it for now! Stay strong everyone! We have the backing of a whole army of others, so at least we are not alone.

Today WILL BE pick free! There is no doubt in my mind.
(Alright, so I'll let ya know, how it goes, then?)

----FlawlessDesire (I'd settle for mostly flawless too)

[playinwitfire]

Hey girls I'm on a successful day 3 (yay!!) with 1 minor slip up..but hey i didn't even know i was doing it..doesn't count!

Flawless desire-You don't need a prescription to order dermalogica although professional recomendation is advised. You can find out about what the products do on the dermalogica website and then search on google for another website that will deliver the products to the country you live in..I've found this website which delivers worldwide:

www.essentialdayspa.com/dermalogicaskincare.htm

anyone reached day 21 yet?

Luv, XxJessxX

[anonymousartist]

I need to print one of these out tonight. I've got too many red marks and too little incentive to stop lately.

[hoppe]

Hi everybody

I was on this site for the first time some days ago, and I was impressed by your will to fight. I really hope, you will make it.
I have been fighting for seven years now. I have tried pills, therapy, everything. Some time ago I realized that nothing and nobody will be able to help me, as long as I am not a 100% commited to stop. And I am not sure, I am. Picking is my addiction. I need it. And as long as my mind constantly is occupied by thoughts about my skin, picking, etc., I do not need to deal with anything else - not with the world outside my window, not with my screwed up family, not with the terrible pain inside of me.... .
However, when I read your posts, I wanted so badly to join you. At first I was laughing at my self. 21 days without picking? It is more likely that I will win a 50 million jackpot. However, somehow your posts and the knowledge of your existence out there gave me a strange strength, and suddendly I find myself on the third day without picking. Yet, I do not feel as happy as I should. Instead, I feel sick, restless and scared to death. I even started to have fantasies about picking. I do not know how much longer I can take it. The voice inside of me grows stronger. Just stop kidding yourself, it says, sooner or later you will start again. It might as well be now... .
Help.

hoppe

[Irene]

Hoppe,

Sometimes I think we are scared of success. I have not worn a short sleeved shirt for 4 years because my arms always look awful. Sometimes, I have come close to being able to wear one, and I envision myself in a sexy tank top, and then I go and ruin it. It's as if I am so accustomed to hiding my body that some part of me doesn't want things to change. It seems odd, but change is always difficult, even if it is change for the better.

Of course, I still try to stop. Every day, I find new reasons why I want to stop, whether it is wearing a tank top, being able to have my boyfriend run his fingers up my arms without coming across anything gross, or not having to go to bed each night with a couple of sore spots on my arms.

Sounds like you need some new stuff in your life to take your focus off your skin.... maybe an engaging new job, spending more time with friends, playing a musical instrument.... those are just suggestions as I don't know much about you, but whatever floats your boat. Also, get some exercise! It is a total mood booster and keeps your fingers off your skin! I have always found that when other aspects of my life are going well, I tend to pick less.

Good luck!

[moratorium]

Hello my fellow pick-kickers,

I am really incredulous now; only two days left! I am so proud of you playinwitfire and hoppe for getting to day 3. The inauguration really is the hardest part. Actually committing yourself to a new way of life, without picking. hoppe, I too had some bizarre epidermal flashbacks and while it feels good to know you are making a concerted effort to change, it certainly isn't a ticket to instant joy. I am so pleased you have at least found an outlet for your deep-routed wish to stop, by proving to yourself you can go three days denying the habit it's want to lacerate your delicate skin, you are sending out a strong message not just to those of us also on our pilgrimage to CSP cessation, but to yourself. That is quite an opening catcall: "I've just completed 3 days... HELP!" You've already instigated a plan of action before even uttering the word "Help." If that isn't the sign of a woman with a warrior-like steely sense of duty, I don't know what is! I'm so glad you're amongst our ranks.

Illyra, let me just say, what a true waste it would be were such a kind spirited soul (perhaps broken, fractured, maybe even mauled by metaphorical woodland savages) to fall by the wayside of life. I want to join you at the cliff top of your rocky 'personal history' and just embrace you. My shoulders are quite spindly but at least you get the added bonus of being able to sob heartily all the time having an unhindered view of the rocks below, to cast a devil-may-care glance as the sediments erode away. There is no shame in being a sufferer of CSP, it is not a self-made, needless form of optical torture for anyone who happens to see us scabbed up without a freshly applied layer of dermalogica. It's a behavioural compulsion, a dopamine brain-wrong (very simplified take of CHL's mindblowing and cerebrally brilliant theory from another thread), it's a body dysmorphic skin obsession, it's a living hell! One thing it isn't, is something of which to be ashamed, I agree it can often appear so much easier to confess to being a bowlegged amnaesiac with a haemorrhoid, but I truly believe people should be able to tell their loved ones and friends about it and suffer in silence no longer. It's so much more painful to be a reticent and shamed picker with a series of crusty expunged pores the only active signpost of your inner struggle.

Illyra, I too have been so low that I had given up, but you owe it to all that beautiful connective tissue, all the repairs your body has done for you in the hope you'd bounce back to fight another day. Life doesn't have to be a constant 'wild and bloody rampage', well not where your own skin is concerned anyway. Although I'm in no way saying taking up genocide is a preferable substitute. Please do join the fight, something tells me our 'collective wisdom' will soon be through the roof with all the brain power we've got in here!

Lisa, anne, buffy, ashenn, skigirl, sunshinefunk, M, girl1818, Missy81, kg, FlawlessDesire, Heather, playinwitfire, jenn, anonirresp, doglover, Illyra, Irene, anonymouseartist and hoppe -yes I'm just mindlessly naming everyone and anyone whose ever posted in this thread, because these people have expressed the wanton desire to quit and that takes a lot of courage and quite an admirable amount of cranial impetus. For any of you to even contemplate 21 days, knowing how low I had to get to come to the realisation I had to change, takes balls of a particularly gargantuan variety.

I am nearing the end of this habit breaking trial now and having read CHL's perceptive clinical pathology of picking as a problem, I know that while picking remains an intrinsic aspect of my sorry existence (starting around the age of 11), breaking the behaviour is possible, I believe it is possible without drugs too. I have not picked for 19 days now and the inclination is definitely suppressed within myself. I believe it is like voluntarily inflicting a head-wound (much like one acquired during a motoring accident, let's say a head-on collision with a 'pick-up-truck' and then retraining another part of your limbic system/neocortex (?) to govern how you care for and manage your skin. The unhealthy obsession may remain, but logic and abstract thinking intervene where previously you left the job to your unruly impulses.

Dear me, I have got long-winded tonight. anonymouseartist and FlawlessDesire, as ever I wish you success. I am very sorry to hear of your marks and sores. I'm sending you all virtual anal cat ointment as a token of good wishes.

It is Day 20 tomorrow. I feel so much better to know I haven't exacerbated my pre-menstrual underskin party for the first time in many months. I'm feeling a lot more positive and less socially restricted. I have a hunch my 21 days will have quite a few add-ons coming their way.

Goodnight all. Please forgive me if my mind sprawled in an incoherent way tonight, I'm experiencing a little pick-free euphoria!

[anonymousartist]

anal cat ointment? Uh oh, do I wanna know

Thanks for the good wishes, and congratulations yourself. I just came back to get the chart while I am busy printing a paper. I like the term under-shin party, hehehe.

--Becca

[hoppe]

Dear Irene and moratorium

Thank you for your kind words. It really helps to know that there are people out there, who listen.

Irene, I really try to fill my life with things to distract my mind from picking, but it is difficult. Going outside is not always an option (due to my destroyed skin). The friends I have left are mostly long-distance friends, since I have moved a lot during the past years. Also, most of them I know from before I started picking, and for some reason that makes it difficult for me to keep in contact with them. In some way, I feel like I am another person now, and what was important to me before, is not anymore. Also, I am scared to death if one of them one day mentiones how my looks (my skin) have changed over the years..... .
I played the piano once and that helped me a lot. It could take me into this beautiful world of harmony and peace. However, for some years now my fingers have felt dead, whenever I wanted to play.

moratorium, I see, it might sound strange to call for help on the third picking-free day. Yet, it is now I need it the most. If I start picking again now, I will faller deeper than ever before. Also, as long as I pick, I am emotionally dead. I have told myself for seven years, you are nothing else than a picker, and you have no right to have feelings other than worrying about your skin. But the second I stop, I get overwhelmed by feelings of despair and pain, and I do not know yet how to stop them. It will take time, I guess. I think, you mentioned something similar a long the way, moratorium, I wonder, how you are doing now??

Best wishes.

hoppe

[Illyria]

I thought about it real and hard. Eventhough I have been blessed with a smooth ride over the last few days I do feel the need for a more structured plan. As of today, I am deliberately going to try sticking to a 21-day-course of action. After that, we'll see (well that is provided I reach the finish line ). I'm skeptical yet hopeful. I've been down the road of fallacious promising skies before and nothing hurts more than to witness the shadow of your dream vanish in the foggy storm of hypnotic compulsions. I remember at least a dozen of situations in which I had successfully managed for 2-3 weeks (at the most) to stay clear from any self-inflicted wounds. Let me tell you I was high. And glorious. My scabs had all fallen on their own, natural imperfections (pimples, blemishes, dry and oily spots, ingrown hairs) were properly catered to, and only a sad display of scars testified of my past sabotages. But I knew that this last part was out of my control and only time would weaken their appearance. As a result, my skin was glowing. I was glowing. And free. Best feeling in the world. Ecstasy meets red-carpet-premieres (or...well, OK, the fantasy of such glamourous illusions anyway. I have yet to meet someone even remotely close to that glittering realm. But with a virgin skin, that became a secondary detail!). And then, the dreaded fall. Always. Lurking around the corners of my victories, ready to shatter in a flash the protective walls of my new found peace. I am frightened at the mere thought that I could collapse again after so much expectantly dedication. What garanty do I have that this will be any different? None, I know. But I also know that the only way to find out is to try it. And keep in mind that setbacks are part of the learning process and rare are those occasions perfectly uninterrupted. So I'm jumping. But please guys be ready to catch me if necessary .

Flawless desire, you have a golden heart and made me feel so welcome in a foreign land. I have to say you seem quite perceptive and insightful. Add witty to that. And I agree with your rhetoric : all of us fighting the mutilating villains form a powerful army on the battlefield of survival and recovery. Don't they say it is in number we find strength (or is it power)? Now I sound like a certain vampire slayer about to save the world from an apocalypse. Come to think of it, it's not all that different.

Hoppe, I was very moved by the turmoil you describe your state to be in. Destroying your body can be indeed a comforting layer of numbness preventing you from the assaults of unpleasant emotions. I'm afraid it's part of the deal and there is no way around it but to feel what it is you have to feel - good and bad - and to allow yourself to "get real" with that uneasiness that has prevented you from leading a fulfilled life for so long. The good news is that while you are more open to receiving disturbing feelings and/or memories, inevitably you'll also be more inclined to welcome all the positive that life (any life) has to offer. You see, once you open the portal, there is no selective option sorting things out through the flow, hence the discomfort. But if you hold on tight amidst the emotional upheaval, you are BOUND to encounter a river of enthusiastic thoughts and joyful sensations. While you shelter yourself from pain through CSP, you also suppress all that could be enjoyable to you. Don't deny your being its right to appreciate the beautiful side of things. And yes it will take time. And of course it'll be hard. Unfortunately, this earthly existence doesn't allow us to have our cake and eat it too ;D!

Moratorium, what can I say? Your warm and noble words are beyond any prophetic solace I have yet encountered. Not only am I deeply impressed by the poetic sensitivity you convey, but the very essence of your being shines through your advices and comments to further explode in crystal beauty everywhere on the screen. I am delighted by your success. I can only wish you the happiness you have been stolen from, and I have no doubt this journey is only the start of a marvellous awakening. But bear in mind that we all love you for you and not solely for the great pedestal you are about to step on. Should you ever be faced with conflictual decisions or worst, commit an error, it is FINE. Nothing, no one, can erase the odyssey you so majestically designed for you and for us. In no way am I trying to be defeatist; I have the utmost trust and respect for your accomplishments. I just know by experience that having to sustain the image of a role model has its own dimension of pressure and people's expectations, while in this case pretty rewarding I bet you, can also generate a betraying double-edge. Freeing you from CSP is your key medium to benefit fully of life's exploration. But the entity shaped by your soul, by your uniqueness in this world, is already polished and beaming. No amount of slipping or non-slipping will ever rival with the work of art that glows within each and all of us. I do selfishly hope though that we won't completely lose you and that you'll honour your pick-pals by dropping in now and then.

Till then

[coolhandluke]

Illyria, I just have to know something:

Did you get your screen name from the name of the town in Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night"? That's one of my two favorite Shakespeare plays (the other is "Hamlet."). I love Shakespeare's work, since his characters have such an incredibly witty humor. But I try not to say that I like Shakespeare in public.

Later,
cool hand luke

[Irene]

hoppe,
I totally understand about only having long distance friends. I am in a similar situation right now, with my boyfriend far away, and few friends ANYWHERE who I keep in touch with very often. For the past couple months I have been (temporarily) living with my parents, and the only social interaction I have had was with one of my former high school teachers. (we went out to lunch once.) Pathetic, huh? I'm 23, so my high school friends are mostly not in town anymore, or I'm just not friends with them anymore anyway. Social isolation does indeed suck, even for someone like me who enjoys lots of time alone.

I suppose the only thing to do is make friends... not easy for those of us who are self conscious about our skin.... I too am often afraid that someone will ask about my skin, and they have a few times asked about my long sleeves in hot weather, or caught sight of a few scars peeking out and asked about them. It was embarrassing, but I think that in most cases you don't necessarily owe anyone an explanation. I've often thought of saying "I got in a fight with a tiger-- you should see the scars I gave HIM" or something like that, but I usually just mumble something about mosquito bites. Not that my scars resemble mosquito bites OR tiger bites, but again, it's not really anyone's business unless you feel like telling them the truth, and most people will quit asking if they realize that you don't want to talk about it.

Irene

[Irene]

by the way, Illyria, I was wondering the same thing about your screen name as Coolhandluke. It's not your real name, is it? It would be super cool to actually be named Illyria-- so beautiful!

Irene