hoppe's journal

[ameise ameise]

hoppe_

for some reason, I can't remember the time difference between here & there, so I don't know if you are currently home working, or if you're sleeping. I am with you in hoping your cheek looks well enough in the morning to go to work without too much self-consciousness.

yes, I am going to talk to my therapist next time about what she meant, whether she would say the same about other types of addictions.... I mean, I know part of what she meant: I had had sort of a realization in her office about how central or pivotal my awareness of my skin is in my general day -to day sense of "how I am doing" -- how the condition of my skin is my barometer of how I am... and her point was kind of like the picker's looking glass: while I am hyper-aware of the condition of my skin, most others probably don't think too much about the picked pimple, etc -- in other words, it's an issue because of the power I give it in my mind, not because my skin matters that much to the rest of the world. But like you said, that seems to dismiss the isolatig effects & the power of the "addiction," etc.

So, I am somewhat sorry to say that I squeezed some more pores last night. Here is the scenario- My boyfriend went out with some friends. I am more introverted than he is, so I felt the need to stay home & have some down time. I was really looking forward to coming to the board, writing to you, then reading & goign to sleep. But first I had to shower. And, unfortunately the bathroom light here at my boyfriend's is a little more revealing of flaws than the one at home. So, I ended up squeezing a fair numbeer of pores... it really was the most extensive pore squeezing I have done since I started tryiing the ZT periods -- because I did not just squeeze a few I had been noticing to get them off my mind; rather, I scanned to more, for the satisfaction of getting the sebum out.... It is dissappointing for one thing that that urge/ and satidfaction are still with me. However, I am glad to say that I restricted myself to blackheads... and if nothing came out, I didn't try to force the issue -- there was one blackhead/ pimple where I could tell that there was something under there, but also I knew that I wouldn't be able to squeeze hard enough to get it out without breaking the skin -- and I stopped myself.

So, even though I am dissappointed that I spent time at the mirror at all, I still feel like it is progress that I didn't really hurt my skin and that it was a 15 (or maybe 20?) minute detour instead of hours of picking... My skin looks fine today -- a little dried out from the stress of being handled, but no inflamation, etc...

I considered re-starting another 21 days - but somehow that still seems too strict... like I want to be making efforts in a more naturally evolving, gradual way.

Part of what was/ is a little frustrating about the squeezing is that although it wasn't that long, coupled with the subsquent need to re-wash my face, it took up enough time that I decided to wait until today to write to you.... oh yeah, I almost forgot, I followed up with tweezing some in-grown hairs on my legs... & that is also where the time went -- I went from the mirror to my legs as an outlet for the pick-urge... definately a better place to put it, no harm has ever been done there --- BUT, what I am getting to is that I could tell that part of what I was getting out of it was this feeling of "alone-time"-- I know I use these picking behaviours as a way to feel that I am isolated and secure in my own little worl -- perhaps it epitomizes that for me because I know I wouldn't do it with someone around... it is also sort of a secret, guilty, self-indulgetn pleasure... I would hurry up & stop if my boyfriend had arrived home... So, it was dumb that I knew I was using it in that way -- to meet my self-indulgent alone time needs, but it ended up taking away from my time to write here & read, which are also ways to meet those needs (although, obviously, those activities don't have the same magnetic power.)

Well, please let me know how you are.

If you feel like writing about it, how did you manage to "take care of" the cheek pimple -- was your boyfriend away, or have you decided to stop the constant supervision?

My thoughts are with you,

ameise

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise

I am at work now. My skin did not look much better this morning, but I went to work anyway. Staying at home is no good - I have said it before. It just makes me pick more.

ameise, I have to admit that I am a bit worried about you. The number of pores you empty seems to increase again. I so wanted you to kick this habit completely. How can I help you to stop this?

I understand very well what you mean about how the state of your skin is a barometer of how you are doing. Sometimes when people ask me 'how are you', I am thinking, just a second, let me check the mirror and I can tell you. However, lately I have tried to be very aware of my feelings, and I discovered that I actually can feel really crappy on a good skin day, or feel quite fine on a day where the mirror tells me I should not. Like today, although the state of my skin is comparable to yesterday, I feel calm and hopeful and even confident. While yesterday, I was unable to leave the house, cried, and was ready to jump down from somewhere. That does not mean that today I do not hate what I see in the mirror, it is just that on some days I seem able to handle it much better and not let it be the sole thing that determines how I feel. I wish, I could have it like that every day.

In regard to my boyfriend: he is still watching me. His new slogan is - 'Inspecting yes, touching no'. I am trying to live up to that, however, I still manage to sneak away from him once in a while and this is how I was able to attack my cheek and create the wound there.... .

I have to get back to work. Ameise, I am thinking of you. Leave those pores alone, or I will come after you!

hoppe

[ameise guest]

Hoppe-

I like your boyfriend's slogan... it is really touching that he is clearly beginning to understand this - the need to inspect, how that can, but doesn't Have to lead to touching.

Yes, I don't like it either that my number of squeezed pores increased so much. But I don't think we need to panic yet -- I don't feel like I'm in a downslide... there haven't been any new pimples, bad results of the squeezing -- so I am not back in the cycle of checking & worrying..... and I have the feeling right now that those 15 minutes of scanning for pores to squeeze was the low point for now. although there were no really bad results, it felt like time spent unhealthily. For some reason, I don't want to impose the "absolutely no picking" or "21 day" rules on myself ... I think it's because I know I CAN force myself not to pick most of hte time, by telling myself that I have to follow the rule, but I want to Not Pick just because I know it's not a good thing to do, not valuable, because I am taking care of myself, feeling kind to myself... not because I'm rigidly forcing myself to follow a rule. BUt if I have another semi extended-scanning-pore squeezing incident, I'll probably start another 21 day chart.

Thank you for your threat of coming after me....


ameise

[msp8]

hey hoppe~ thanks for your message that you left in my journal... i had just gotten off the phone with my best friend and we were comparing our asshole bosses. her situation isnt as bad as mine because she works with people she knows, some are good friends of hers. i just started my job not to long ago so i dont really have someone that i can go to when i have a problem with some there.

tonight i went to a jewelery party that was at the house of someone that i work with. my boss that i dont like was there. she didnt even acknowledge that i was there. i have never done anything wrong (with the exception of yesterday's trash but i fixed that) and i am always working hard. i dont know what she has against me. i have never had a problem with any of my previous bosses, in fact i became good friends with all of them. why cant i this time?

sorry for loading all of this onto your journal... i really just wanted to say thanks for the support even tho it had nothing to do with skin picking!

[hoppe]

It is 9:20 am at my place. I should pull myself together and get out of that door and to work. But it is really hard today..... . Yesterday, I again managed to sneak away from my boyfriend and pick at a non-visible infection beside my nose. Now it is visible, I can tell you. It hurts so badly, I have problems eating and talking. And it looks terrible.
I do not even know why I did it. It was not visible. But I could feel it there..... . My boyfriend got really angry. We had a fight, and we usually never fight. He said that he does not understand why I cannot stop this, now that he knows about it and tries to look after me. I am an adult, I should be able to spent five minutes alone without hurting myself. It felt really frustrating because I do not think he has understood what CSP is about. I am not doing this for fun, if I could stop, I would...... . He also said he does not understand how I could wait five years before I told him about my picking, and I said I cannot understand how he did not notice during those five years. .... . I do not want this to destroy our beautiful relationship. Maybe I should not have told him. I do not know. I am so ready to stop this, if I just knew how.

hoppe

[hoppe as guest]

Hi again

I am at work now.
It is a beautiful day outside, really cold (almost freezing) with completely blue sky and bright sunshine. I wish I could enjoy it more.

I have decided that enough is enough. Today I will start ZT. Complete ZT ! Ameise, if you want to, join in there again. And anyone else who wants to, please come along. I can also use all the support I can get, so feel free to post some supportive words. I would be very thankful for it. This shit has to end. I know that I am always most commited to stop after a bad pick, and I might fail again as soon as this wound is healed and I have 'forgotten' how it feels to look like a freak. But I will give it a try. ZT here I come!

hoppe

[ameise ameise]

Hi hoppe -

I am so sorry to hear that you had a fight with your boyfriend. My mother one time yelled at me (very briefly) after she could tell I had picked... I think she knew I was doing better for a while (I at least hadn't created any visible wounds). Then I did. I remember talking to her in the flourescent light of the kitchen & trying to turn my head in directions so she wouldn't notice -- but she did & she said/ yelled something along the lines of "It's the same shit again!" I was so angry with her -- I know in retrospect that she was just very frustrated hersefl that she couldn't help me -- but at the time I felt like she had no right to be exasperated... how did she think I felt!!

I dont' think it was a mistake for you to tell your boyfriend... I think the two of you will just have to work harder, talk more for him to understand better... (maybe you could let him read a jouranl entry or two--- I think once it really hits him how much this hurts for you, what a struggle it is, his feelings of sympathy will outweigh his frustration.)

OVer here:

Even though you & I have both been a little dissappointed that I have squeezed more pores (although I haven't done any since Sunday night), I do think one thing that has remained constant/ improved for me is that I have sort of "learned" the types of pimples that I am not going to help by picking or squeezing... which really is most of them, and definitely is the noticable ones & the ones that hurt.

The reason I have been able to "get away with" squeezing these little blackhead pores is that they are so close to surface, tiny, just a little squeeze reveals if something will come out or not....

But as far as breaking the whole obsession, I know it would be better to not even do them... however, when I think over 2 of the years I was in graduate school:
I had my picking pretty much under control.
I was living with a boyfriend who didn't know I had CSP or know that it is a condition, but he did do some skin examining/ zit picking himself, so he understood the urge & if he ever saw me at the mirro he wouldn't think that much of it.
And over that time period, I never completely stopped doing pores now & again. And occasionally I popped a pimple -- but I didn't go through episodes of the picking-healing-selfconsciousness cycle...

Now, it could be that because I never totally quit -- that is why the obsession never departed, was able to re-flare up earlier this year... but I also can imagine that I may be a person who can never just ignore a blackhead, but who can learn (has learned?) not to really hurt her skin, thus entering the picking-healing-selfconsciousness cycle.

So hoppe, I would like to join you on a modified ZT... I will try for entirley pick-free days, but if I must, I will allow myself only 4 pores in a day. It sounds so silly.

Also, in contemplating whether to start another ZT period, I have been thinking about the last two as haivng felt almost like weigh training... like they did enable me to build up my strength to resist. And to do these daily awareness/ strict rules ZT periods is healthy, good for me... but isn't real life... I don't want to live forever with a calendar of squares to fill in.

But like I said, I think the ZT periods/ attempts are good for building strength.

So, yes, hoppe, I'd like to join you with my slightly modified ZT rules.... (aiming for total ZT, but allowing four pores max, again for a 21 day goal)

ameise

[ameise as guest]

Hoppe-

I thought about you & your boyfriend while I was driving home from work...

I know you previously said you weren't ready to share this board/ your journal with your boyfriend.

However, the reason I suggested it is that I & anyone looking at your journal can see how far you've come, the progress you have made... I would think if would be easier for your boyfriend to see the a 5 minute slip up with out of proportion effects is really not so bad, nowhere near the depths of picking lows that we can get into.

And, as for his not quite understanding how come he can't leave you alone for 5 minutes without you harming yourself... well, maybe you can remind him that that is why you asked for his help... if you'd been able to stop yourself you would have. We sometimes can stop ourselves, and we need to practice that, but it is helpful if we can have someone to help us, a safetynet.

I liked hearing that the weather was beautiful there -- cold, sunny and bright blue sky. You regreted not being able to appreciate it, but even by noticing it, and describing it, you were appreciating it somewhat. I mention it because sometimes it seems important for me to remember how beautiful the world can be, how much better to focus outward on the things around me, rather than self-criticism, etc.

Please let me know how you are.

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Thank you for your posts!

It is 8:55 am thursday morning. I am getting ready to go to work. I managed the first day of ZT, and am on my second day now! But the wound beside my nose....... it still hurts so badly. It is elevated, infected, throbbing, crusty, red, UGLY.

Today, I have the second session of my assessment. Not something I am looking forward to. You remember, the handsome young guy ... and I have to tell him about this. So normally I would not go with a wound of this size. But this time I am thinking, good I have the wound, so he and the whole asshole system he represents can see what I am going through. I have no desire to look pretty for him. Maybe I should be a bit creative with my makeup and add a few spots and bleeding wounds... . Kidding! But I am so tired of this. It is my third assessment and I have still not been referred to therapy. In fact, this is so important for me, that I asked my boyfriend if we would have money enough so that I could go and see a private psychologist. And he said yes. The other day I read an ad by an English speaking psychologist who works with patients with anxiety, eating disorders and OCD - sounds like my kind of guy. And he gives students a discount!! So, I will go and check him out. I am thinking, if he can help me, it is worth it, no matter what it costs!

ameise, I do not have more time now, but I will return later. There a few things I wanted to discuss with you.... for instance your 'ZT with 4 allowed pores a day'. Dear ameise, I so understand you, I would like to do ZT with 30 allowed pores a day. But that would not be ZT, or? I am afraid to be able to kick this obcession completely, it is neccessary to do complete ZT. As you said, you had good periods before, but things got worse again, maybe because you never really let the obcession go, because you continued to pick ' a little' ..... .

You are in my thoughts!

hoppe

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise

Sorry for my language this morning .... ;D

I am at work. For some reason I feel really anxious and worried right now. Hope it will get better. This afternoon I will see the handsome psychologist...... . He did not strike me as very bright last time. I do not think he understood what I was talking about. I will give it another try today.

Ameise, about your suggestion to let my boyfriend read in this journal - I think I am still not ready for that. It is to personal. Besides, I have also written about him here, and it would be to embarrassing for me if he reads that. But I have suggested to him to find more information about CSP on the internet. I think he could use some outside input.

I am alone right now and I have caught myself checking myself in my pocket mirror again and again. I will not pick at work, but the checking irritates me. I think the wound beside my nose is the reason I check. And maybe something else too, something subcounscious ..... like this voice inside of me, saying '"So you want to do ZT and let this compulsion/obcession go? I will make it as hard for you as possible. Look at your face, look at it, are you telling me you will never pick at this again? Sounds like a joke to me....." . I think my picking-demon senses my commitment to make this ZT work. And he is trying interfere.... . To hell with him.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe-

congratulations on being brave enough to go to the doctor with the wound... yes, it can only help in conveying the reality/ seriousness of CSP.

Good idea about encouraging your boyfriend to do internet research on CSP. And it is wonderful that he is willing to help if you decide to pay privately for therapy.

As for my "4 pores" idea -- I know what you mean, and you are right, it is not ZT.... it is... LT (lower tolerance).

And I want to emphasize that my plan is not to allow myself 4 everyday... my plan is to do none, and ABSOLUTELY NOT to scan for spots to squeeze or empty. BUT, if there are a few that I keep noticing, I may allow myself to squeeze them... I am thinking that would be only a couple times over the 21 day period.


Even though that maintains the pattern of getting involved with "helping" my skin along... and doesn't completely break the pattern... I guess the way that I feel like it is valuable is that it is excercising the same "resistance" muscles... to limit myself to 4.

And, more importantly for me I think, it requires the same paying-attention everyday... paying attention to what I;m doing, how I;m feeling, & to how it realtes to my moods. (As you pointed out, even realizing that some bad & good moods have nothing to do with skin is a good realization.)

And, finally, I think that the pressure of total ZT build up kind of like stress.. if I know I have no outlet for the desire to empty my pores... it builds up, and gets me thinking more & more about my skin. Whereas if I can do just a few pores... it is a was to alleviate that... maybe like nicorette gum for now....

I completely see what you are saying that it may maintain the obsession. BUt for me, looking over the last couple months & how they have FELT, not just whether I was touching Not at All or just a Little.... touching just a little has still felt like learning to minimize this.

I will try another total Zt period again. But first I want this less strenuous period.

We'll see, hoppe, it is all about trying, and experimenting, and paying attention, and learning how our behaviors make us feel... etc -- of course you know all this, but I just want to emphasize that I am experimenting with my methods, but I promise to keep careful watch - from here on, the rest of my life!!!! and if I ever start sliding into more picking, I'll re-enter ZT... It's a nice Heavy Duty tool to have there.

Sorry to go on and on about the Methods... obviously, I am still questioning what are the best ways to go.

I hope the cute, dim doctor refers you to therapy!

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I went to see the psychologist. Beside being handsome he has this great voice that I could listen to for hours. However, he still did not seem to bright (you cannot have it all, can you... ). His understanding was kind of slow, and I felt I constantly had to repeat things before he at leat partly understood what I was talking about. To get to the important part - he informed me that he will refer me to therapy, however before anything will happen I need to see a psychotherapist at least one time, who needs to confirm his assessment and then I will get refered, after which it will take up to a year before my therapy will start - I can tell you, if you are not sick yet, this system will make you sick.

Ameise, 'LT' - I liked that. You are right, we need to experiment and find out what is the best solution for us personally. I just commented on your modified ZT plans, because I care for you and I think you really deserve to get rid of this COMPLETELY and FOR EVER. However, I understand that you feel that ZT is stressful, and that allowing yourself a few pores will take off the stress.

I am on the evening of day two of my ZT. Actually, although slightly tempted by a new pimple, I still feel strong. I so want to do this.

Please stay with me!

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

I am definitely still with you -- we'll keep checking in.

Stay strong ignoring that pimple.

Perhaps you can go to self-pay therapy until your health care system therapy starts.

I had therapy today --we talked about that conflict of whether I "give" this obsession power or if it just has power. WE also talked a lot about how I have this internal conflict between wanting to look good & alluring, wanting to express my feminity, but at the same time thinking focusing on appearance is shallow, feeling the standard of society for women's appearance are oppressive & also often hesitating to try to good, because I have this idea that unless I look perfect, it is not something I should try for... A lot of intermixed ideas & feelings about appearance -- it felt good to talk about.

Take care.

I have not felt any need to use my 4-pore pass... still Pick free since Sunday

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I am just getting ready to leave for work. Managed to do my makeup without picking at this completely ready pimple. Cannot believe I am leaving the house with that on my face....... ;D
But this time, I want to make it. Day 3 of ZT, here I come.

BTW - the big wound is looking much better!

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

hoppe-

congratulations on leaving the house with that pimple! Doesn't it feel like an accomplishment when we can leave something like that alone -- it makes me feel like -- if I can leave this, then surely I can leave unnoticable things. Plus it's great to see how they heal on their own... whatever course they take... either slowly re-absorbing or popping on their own in the shower or something....

hmm... zits & popping zits actually seem a little gross to me at the moment...

this will just be an odd little post -- I'm at work. I just wanted you to know I'm cheering you on for getting out ot the house without picking the big pimple & glad to hear the wound is getting better.

My skin is still all in one piece -- and no pores have been emptied. I'm especialy glad because I'll be meeitn up with an old friend from college this weekend in San Francisco... so it'll be good to feel good about & comfortable with myself when seeing someone who once was a very close friend, but who I haven't seen in a couple years.

Oh, so I also may not have access to the boards until SUn or Monday, so know I'm thinking of you.

ameise