hoppe's journal

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I am glad to hear that you have not picked for quite a while now .... this is so great!! I hope, you will be enjoying your weekend in San Francisco with your old friend!

I am doing well on this side of the globe. Day 4 of ZT.... . So far, it has been easier than I expected, but I think it is because I am incredibly determined. However, now that my face is clearing up, the last big wound is almost healed, I am concerned, if I might slip again.... .

I have to tell you about yesterday. Yesterday evening I had an appointment with the (private) English speaking psychologist I mentioned previously. It was a very interesting experience. The short version is that he has time to take me in, that he will give me a reduced price (!) and that he seemed to have a lot of experience in various areas, so he might be able to help me.
But there was much more to it. I noticed after the meeting with him that I felt very affected emotionally, and I cried when I came home. I tried to find out what had been the difference between meeting him and meeting the handsome one the day before, who did not affect me at all. I think the answer is simple. The English speaking understood what I was talking about. He used the right words, called it an impulse control disorder (!) and he knew what it is about, the regret after a picking session, the emotional pain, the hiding, the fight to stop - I felt like he was seeing right through me. I think this is how it is supposed to be during therapy, but at the same time it frightens me deeply. I felt so naked. Revealed. Caught.

I will continue to go there, and the next session is in one week. I hope this will help me.

BTW - I read about skigirl and how her husband spyed on her and read everything she has written on this site. I cannot imagine how painful that must be for her. I decided to talk to my boyfriend, and I said to him, if he ever feels the desire to read what I am writing here, he should ask me, but that he under no circumstances should do it behind my back. He said that he would never do that and that he completely understands if I want to keep this to myself - but that he has started to try to find more information about CSP on the internet..... .

ameise, I am so glad you are out there. You mean a lot to me. Have fun in San Francisco.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise!

Saturday evening, 11:00 pm.

Today I realized my true temptation. Interestingly, it is not the oversized red pimple, not even if it is completely ready to be popped. My problem are clogged pores. Not the ones where the sebum is visible, but the almost invisible, non-infected, enlarged pores. To me they look like holes. Big holes, that I know are filled with white shit that will never come out unless I help it. I have to clarify, the big pimple annoys me too, but at least I know it is temporary. I know my immune system discovered it and is fighting it and in a few days, it will be gone. However, the enlarged pores - if I leave them, they will stay like that for months - years - forever. And everytime I look at one, it seems bigger than last time. Deeper. Like a deep hole in my face that connects the outside world with my inside. I cannot let it stay like that. I have to empty it and let the hole close.

I noticed one of those pores on my forehead today.... . The instant I saw it, I had a panic attack. I was almost hyperventilating. I know my reaction was completely out of proportion. I managed to drag myself away from the mirror. Tried to sit down, take a deep breath, find out what was going on in my head. How can a pore the size of no more than a few micrometers(!) in diameter freak me out like that? I do not know. I have no answer. Something in my head is connected wrong, and I cannot handle it and I do not know how to fix it.

Needless to say that I had to take care of it. I managed not to do it for four hours. After all, it is (was) day 4 of my ZT. But I could not handle it. I attacked it, and in the process I also popped a pimple. No more than that. But in this case I do not think the number of pores is the important thing. I cannot believe that I had a panic attack over one little pore that nobody in the world except me would see without a magnifying glass. I am telling you, something is seriously wrong in my head.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Sunday morning 9 am.

I did not pick anymore yesterday. But I was shocked over the panic attack I had. I still am.

I do not know what to do with this day. It should have been day 5 of ZT, but it is not. It feels like day 1 of my eternal failure.

I will try not to pick. Maybe I can fool myself to believe that it is day 5 of ZT. Just keep going as if nothing happened. I know, it is cheating, but I am sure, the chances of picking would be much less.... .

Talk to you later.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I took a shower and had cup of tea. I think I can see things from a better perspective now. I just managed four days of ZT, after which I picked at 2 (!) spots. That is actually not a failure, but a success!! I should be really happy about it. I gave my skin 4 days of complete peace.

I am also happy about the psychologist I met friday. I hope, he can help me. The feeling in my gut says that he can.

Ameise, I will continue my ZT. The picking demon thinks he got me again, all depressed about my picking episode, ready to say 'what the hell' and go after it all. My dear picking demon - you are so wrong. Go find someone else to irritate. Or even better, go back to hell, where you belong. You will not make me pick today.

Ameise, you are in my thoughts.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi again

I feel really sad and ashamed right know. I am so absorbed in my own problems, I did not even notice that Christopher Reeve has been dead since last sunday. I just turned on CNN and saw some old interviews with him, and suddenly I realized it said 1952-2004 in the corner. How could I not notice he died? I guess, it is because, it was not mentioned very much here. When I looked through last week's newspapers, I only found a very small article from tuesday.

He was one of my true real-life heros. He has been fighting so much, not only to survive but also for science and stem cell research in particular. I think he was an inspiration to a lot of scientists to try a little harder, and to not give up no matter what - because if they succeed they will be able to help so many suffering people. I wanted him to win this. I wanted him to be the first to benefit from stem cell research and walk again..... .

hoppe

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise

This morning, I could not enter the site for some hours. I was starting to freak, when it suddenly worked again. I would not know what to do if the site suddenly crashed and we had no way of communicating again... .

So yesterday - picked at one spot, so not bad. I have not given up on ZT though, so I am trying to continue with it.

I can tell you, I hate mondays. 5 days of work in front of you. To be honest, I cannot complain much about my work, I actually like it. But it is still hard for me to have to go to a specific place at a specific time every day.... . I am looking forward to friday. Meeting the English psychologist again.

Hope you had a nice weekend.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Hi hoppe-

It's monday morning here, too. I feel the same way about the difficulty of being required to be at a certain place everyday at a certain time, for a certain lenght of time... I had a good time in San Francisco, but I feel like I need another day off to catch up on bills & laundry & just relaxing.

I'm glad about your decision to focus on the accomplishment of your ZT and to keep going.

I completely understand about the true temptation being the clogged pores & not the inflamed pimples that will change on their own... You are right! For me, too, it's the subsurface white clogged areas that mostly just stay there or grow unless squeezed out. I have noticed, though, that sometimes when I get my pre-mestrual breakout, the clogged areas form into pimples or form heads & the sebum may work its way out... it is just a much slower process than manually squeezing... I've also noticed they sometimes form heads & then get uninflamed again but the initial clog is still there (ugh.)

But you're also right that there's somthing wrong with our heads that we care so much about these little areas the size of a pin head, when the world is so full of things that can benefit from our attention, could use our energy for good, or things that are beautiful... why these little pores are so magnetic for us, I do not know.

I'm happy to say, still no picking or squeezing, nothing at all since last Sunday. So 7 days of ZT. The only time I had to stop myself was last night, in my boyfriend's mirror. I leaned in & my hands started to go up to one of these white, nodule-like things -- before I even realized what I was doing. But then I remembered "oh yeah, I decided not to do this" and I was able to resist, walked away immediately.

Your psychologist sounds promising. It sounds like he has a better initial understanding of this than my therapist did... I felt like I had to teach her about it, but now I think she gets it pretty well.

It sounds both scary & liberating to have someone (the psychologist) see through you like that.

I'm glad you haven't mentioned any more fights with your boyfriend.

The idea of losing touch if something happened to this site is maybe a problem we could make a plan against ...either I could give you my email or address in a non-posted "chat" -- or some plan to find each other under these names at another pick board (have you seen any other good ones?).... Let me know if you think either of those sounds like a needed/ workable plan.

Best wishes for the rest of the day!

ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Monday evening 7:30 pm and I am finally at home.

Today, I researched a little on the internet, because I am starting to get concerned about the 'violent thoughts' I often have, especially when I am anxious. I have mentioned them in a previous post. I think they are getting worse. They are all about hurting myself, like cutting my head into slices or cubes or peeling my face of etc. . Maybe I should rather call it images than thoughts. I actually 'see' it happen in my head. I am not really afraid that I will do any of these things to myself, but I cannot get rid of the thoughts- so I am wondering, if this might be OCD? Obsessive thoughts about harming oneself definitely represent an OCD symptom. I have a few others (like repeated checking if I turned things off), but I do not think they have characteristics of rituals... . I do not know. Maybe it is because I am picking less and my body tries to find other ways to cope with anxiety.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Send a post without noticing you just had written. ;D
So glad to hear from you again - and great you managed to walk away from the mirror at your boyfriend's place!!!

I think we should have a back-up plan of some sort. I have not really found other good 'pick-boards'. There are some, but none of them are half as good as this one. Maybe I can come up with one, where we could meet in case.

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

yes, I remember when you wrote about the violent thought images before... I can imagine that is very hard. I know what it's like to not be able to get a thought out of your head ... so to have it be such an unpleasant one must be hard. But it's good that you know you won't do it. I hope your therapist will have ideas to help you. It sounds a little like some stuff I read about OCD once -- there was a story of one man who couldn't get over the idea that he had razor-blae like fingernails & he thought he was tearing everything he touched to shreds.. . but he really believed it, somehow, in spite of what was in front of his eyes. So, I 'm glad you know that it is "just thoughts and images" -- not real. But I hope you find a way to decrease them. I also think it sounds likely that they are your "release" for pain instead of picking...

Try to think about how kind you're being to yourself and your skin and the goodness that is in you that is giving you the strength and even the inclination to do that.

Talk to you soon again.

Ameise

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise

I am kind of bored at work right now, so I thought I write a little post to you.

I did not have anymore fights with my boyfriend, that is right. He his really sweet. I still cannot believe I found someone that cares so much about me. When people are nice to me I always think they have some kind of hidden motive, but I cannot imagine what his would be. Or I think, it is because they do not really know me, and the scond they do, they will turn away. But he has known me for 5 years now..... and he is still there.

Picking.... . Not complete ZT, but close. A single spot yesterday. Which of course does not look better, so I should just leave them alone.

I hope it is okay I wrote about my thoughts/images here. I feel it helped writing about them. They did not feel so 'bad' afterwards. I have not mentioned them to any psychologist so far, partly because I did not really realize how much time they actually take up and how much they annoy me. But to be honest, I would prefer these kind of thoughts over picking/CSP any day. I think CSP is definitely one of the worst disorders to suffer from. People with other disorders might disagree, but I have been through a few, and I would for instance prefer bulimia over picking. I think the worst about CSP is that it affects me every second of the day. I never have peace in my mind. I constantly think about my skin, check my skin, worry about my skin, pick at my skin. And this also inhibits me from doing or enjoying so many things.... .

Enough of that. It is only 3 pm and already semi-dark outside. I makes me sleepy.

Talk to you later.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

7:45 am. I am getting ready for work. I feel soooo tired. I think it is the more or less constant semi-darkness outside.

Ameise, I guess around now you will get into your warm comfy bed.... (must be 11 pm at your place). Wish that was me!!

I am premenstrual, and I look like it. I hope I have the strength to resist. Yesterday, I almost picked at a few spots, but my boyfriend rescued me before anything happend..... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

6.30 pm.

Why do I always have to fail, before I understand how good I was doing? Seriously, today I understood how much better my picking has been for the last weeks. And I think the reason is this board and especially your help, ameise. However, I had to have a bad picking session to understand that.

I left work early because I felt so tired and I had a lot of pain (PMS related). I knew it was a bad idea, but I thought I could handle being alone at home for a couple of hours. I managed one hour, before I ended up in front of the mirror. And there were these clogged pores on my left cheek, which have been there for ages without getting better. I took care of them and a couple of others ... . And a few more .... . So I am swollen and red, and right now I have an icepack on my left cheek. Sitting like this made me remember how things used to be like this every day. Every day, picking after work, followed by desperate attempts to undo the damage, wash/put on lotions/cool/wait/hide..... . And I realized how much better I have been doing. And my skin was doing so much better. Actually, it looked really good, despite the PMS!!!

However, of course I am also sad about what happened. And I will probably be even more sad tomorrow morning when I understand what I have done...... .

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

hoppe --

it is peculiar how many things I have in common with the people on his board, and with you in particular...

like timing -- I am premenstrual/ menstrual, too and I also slipped up a bit today.

my skin was pretty good - not much of a premenstrual break-out. But I guess I started feeling the urge anyway -- in the bathroom at work, I decided to take my "4 pores" - which actually turned into 5 pores. then, and this is the more annoying part -- I had one true premenstrual pimple.. yesterday night it was a very compact, whitehead, not infected or swollen or red... it looked completely ready to come off or out. But I left it alone, thinking it would take care of itself -- But then today it actually looked a little worse - instead of the compact little white head, the head wasn't so clear & it was a little red & inflamed --- This bugs me -- it seemed like it had gone backwards in the healing process. And I didn't cause it... things like that sometimes make me think: does my skin know what it's doing? It truly seemed like it would have been better/ closer to healed if I'd take the opportunity to squeeze off the little whie head when it was there. I'm not sure if I actually believe that. I guess I don't know. But after my 5 pores, I squeezed it a little. It's kind of funny what I did: I didn't use my fingernails at all, I just positioned my fingertips next to it to squeeze gently, and then I actually closed my eyes while I was doing the squeezing. Opened them to see a little white gunk had come out -- did two more little gentle, eyes closed squeezes.

I think the reason I was closing my eyes was to make it more like squeezing or picking when not looking in the mirror -- something I have occasionally done, but never caused much harm with. also, I think I was trying to deprive myself of the satifaction of "seeing" the stuff come out... surely it was still somewhat satisfying to see the stuff there & to know it had come out, but I think part of the addiction for me is the moment of seeing it come out & feeling like I am cleaning this pore out.

And, so far, it looks like I haven't made anything worse... didn't break my skin, for now it looks no worse, no better.

Since there are no "bad" results, I feel worse about breaking my rules/ falling off the wagon, than I do about my skin... and I'm glad that my skin isn't worse, though, because I won't get into the checking/ self-consciousness cycle.

For you, I am glad your slip up is giving you perspective on how you are doing much better -- compresses every few weeks, not everyday!!

I know you can see I am improving, too. (though it maybe harder for you to see, because I wasn't writing on this board at my worst). Although not perfect... I think it has been over two months since I had any wound that made me feel really self conscious. I have felt free so often -- not afraid for people to look at me, outside, without or with little make up...

I'm sorry that we've both had slip ups, but I'm glad we're both feeling optimistic about progress. and of course the pre-menstrual/ menstrual time is hard....

until later,

ameise

[hoppe]

Dear ameise

I am so sorry to hear you had a slip up too!! We seem to be very similar in timing in regard to that. Maybe we should start looking for an external explanation - like sunstorms or stellar constellations......

It is 2:45 am at my place and I cannot sleep. I am really sad. Why did I have to mess up? I am afraid of the morning, afraid of seeing what I have done, afraid of deciding if I can go to work..... I feel, I am pitying myself, and I am not sure if I have the right to, because I caused this myself - but then again, I feel it was not me who did this, because I would never do something like that, it is my evil twin, who will never let me get peace...... .

Ameise, thank you for being there. I wish I could come and cry a little on your shoulder.... .

hoppe