hoppe's journal

[ameise as guest]

hi -

yes, it is too bad you probably won't be able to start therapy sooner... have you gone in the past?

I find it helpful and I think it does help transform the patterns in my mind, but for the practical matter of decreasing picking, I have actually found this site and your support much more helpful.

Out of curiousity, after you stopped yourself from picking yesterday, did you tell your boyfriend that you had a run-in with starting-to-pick?

Here it is day 15 -- yesterday, when those little whiteheads were a at point of great anoyance (like two little seeds made of pus sitting on my cheek -- how could they still be there?) I kept touching them while at the computer & then I finally scratched at them while sitting out on my back porch---

It was one of those grey areas... did break the ZT rules? I decided I didn't need to start over because I wasn't at the mirror -- and as I've said before, that is where my probelm is... As for picking without looking, I've only ever made things worse that way a handful times in my life....

But, today, finally, all of the little pimples on my face started to go away -- I think it must be hormonal, sometime it's like a corner is turned and all of them are suddenly going away instead of coming on.... and the one that I scratched at did have a little red opening/ looked worse than the others.... so another lesson in the "what is he best way to do ZT" -- scratching pimples while not looking also is not helpful, and so the next 21 days I'll try to resist that, too.

I apologize that this entry is so nuts-and-bolts, but one more thing I want to write about pimples/ the physical aspect of this... there are two clogged pores on m forehead, near a small scar, so I keep noticing them & for a little while after my shower I was leaning in, really wanting to squeeze that gunk out...

and I suspect that on day 22, I might do it, if they are still noticeable to me...

at the end of my last 21 days, i squeezed one pore I had been noticing -- thinking that I'd actually think of it/ think of my skin less, get it off my mind if I just squeezed it... and the truth is, I have been "glad" I did -- it hasn't re-filled with gunk, as an individual pore, spot on my face it looks better..

I tell you, I am so unsure about if I have to totally forbid myself all such behaviors to ever really get over this focus on my skin... I think probably, but it is so hard o imagine just leaving those little pores clogged forever....

well, like you say, hoppe, overall there is a lot of progress... but clearly I am still aware of these aspects of my skin. Will it take as many years as I have picked to finally and gradually put it behind me??? Or maybe it will just decrease to a much lower, manageable level of awareness focus on my skin... Other friends of mine who have gotten over eating disorders still remain concious of their weight/ eating habits, but in way that is worlds diiferent from when they were either starving or bingeing...

I don't have a good personal model to know what the process of getting over this will be like.

I hope all is well for you & Seabreeze, for you, too

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

It is wedensday evening, 8:30 pm. I had a long day at work, but now I am finally home. I am tired but feel okay otherwise.

To answer your question - I did not directly tell my boyfriend about the picking. Actually, I went straight to bed after the incident, because I did not want him to see me. But the next morning I talked to him. I did not really know how to put it, because I could not get myself to say, 'I picked', but I tried to say, that I was sad that he had forgotten about the experiment the evening before. I felt a bit bad about saying it, because I am really asking something big from him here, I mean imagine if someone asks you to look after her/him every minute of the day... . However, he was really sweet and said that he wants to continue with the experiment and that he will try to do better. He is such a wonderful person.

I am glad to hear that your whiteheads finally disappeared! I understand that you feel unsure what is allowed and what not in regard to your skin... . I also feel like you in regard to the clogged pores - sometimes I look at them and think, what if I never pick again, will they be there forever? Can I live with that? But I believe that with time you will notice them much less and eventually forget about them. And if one day you empty one of them and after that leave the bathroom and forget about it, I would not consider it CSP. I mean the problem is not the one pore, you empty. The problem is if the one leads to the next, which leads to the next, which leads to the next, and so on. Or, if you try to empty one, and for some reason you do not succeed, if you then feel the need to dig a deep hole into your skin, that will bleed and take a week to heal - that is CSP.

I also wish I had a 'personal model' to know what getting over this looks like - I mean, how you feel about your skin afterwards, and what is allowed and what not etc. . But on the other hand I think that getting over it will look differently from person to person, so even if you knew someone who has recovered from CSP, your experience of it might be completely different.

BTW - I noticed today that I have not picked at my back or my scalp for a long time now.... . Like I forget about those places because I am so focused on stopping to pick my face.... .

I am thinking about you!

hoppe

[ameiseameise]

That's interesting that you have forgotten about your scalp and back because of this bigger "battle" of focusing on not picking you face -- that seems encouraging... that our brains can let habits go.

More on the subject of what is and isn't CSP or allowed...

I agree that the problem isn't emptying one pore, but hat it is one leading to many or one leading to digging and breaking your skin...

I guess what I am wondering is if doing the occasional one pore will just keep this obsession with my skin alive. To be on the safe side, it would seem I should try to just totally avoid these behaviors entirely... if I can, why not. It's not going to do harm to not do it...

But, as I think you understand, seeing the clogged pores and knowing they would look *better* (at least to me) if I emptied them... well, that almost seems to be the most expedient way to get them off my mind.

I wonder if now that I have this awareness about pores, it will never go away? Perhaps thirty some days of ZT attempts is not enough time to judge whether this awareness of pores can fade...

I also sometimes wonder if people with pores that get clogged and enlarged are more prone to get CSP -- but I;m sure it's a combination of things -- exposure to picking behavior, perfectionist tendencies... plus maybe certain skin types...

oh well, these are my thoughts today,

didn't do any picking, scratching ... I'm sure I didn't break any rules today.

I'm glad of that.


Oh! an idea just occurred to me... I thought of how there are some smokers who quit but say they have to resist every day, whil ohers seem to lose the craving...

I was wondering which kind of CSP-quitter I would be -- quit but always an active resistance, or it one day just seeming a distant memory.

It occurred to me that perhaps if I continue to do a pore every now and again, that would probably cause the underlying urge to stay with me.... which might be enough of a motivator to get me to resist all pores, etc.

that's all for today.

I'm thinking of you, too & glad your boyfriend is helping you.

Ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

Friday evening, 8:15 pm.
I am sorry, I did not write yesterday. You are always on my mind, even when I do not come here, believe me.

Today, I stayed home from work, because I feel completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. I have spent some time trying to figure out, what it is that has drained me for energy to this extent. I came up with two things. The first one is not very surprising. My new position is very challenging, and although I enjoy it, it is also tough for me. I am now working in a completely new field, and I feel that I need to prove to my supervisor that it was not a mistake of him to take me in. I am trying to catch up on everything as quickly as possible, and although I am a quick learner, it costs me some mental energy.

The second thing surprised me at first, but it makes sense. I think my fight against CSP drains me for energy. I have never before fought anything so intensively. I do not give myself a moment of peace, every second I am trying to resist, and when I fail, I instantly get back in the battle, because I want this so badly. I have fought before, but this is the first time that I believe that it is possible to 'win', and I think it makes me fight harder and also more desperately than I thought possible. I have a strange feeling as if this is my only chance, or my last chance, because if I cannot do it, if I fail this, I do not know if I can live with the consequences. I need to win.

However, the constant battle is very very hard. My mind is craving for peace. And I am considering to give it a rest. Now that my boyfriend finally has understood, I might be able to let him take over for a while. For instance, let him decide when I am allowed to look in the mirror or do my make-up, at least for a couple of days. I do not know if it is possible, I cannot imagine not being in control, since so much of my life is about staying in control, and now I am considering to just hand it over to someone else. But I need peace. And if I have to choose between giving up or letting him take over for some days, I choose the latter.

As a consequence of this, I might not come here for some days either. I hope you understand this. You mean very much to me, ameise, and I do not want you to feel rejected/forgotten, I cannot find the right word in English here, but I want to assure you that I am back in a few days and that my thoughts are and stay with you. You have done so incredibly well and showed so much strength, I am convinced you can beat this once and for all, and in fact, I think you are very very close. Keep going strong, please.
You are in my thoughts!

hoppe

[ameise as guest]

Yes, I completely understand about this being tiring… I have felt the same. It sounds like a wonderful idea to turn things over to your boyfriend for a while…<br>Yesterday in therapy, I told my therapist that it had crossed my mind that I would prefer to be blind rather than to have this obsession. So she encouraged me to think about being blind as a fantasy… and one thing I thought of was the image of my boyfriend getting out my clothes for me & helping me get dressed – the appeal was that like I child I wouldn’t have to make decisions about what to wear/ my appearance for myself.

I have something interesting and almost shocking to report: today I broke my total ZT & squeezed the 3 pores that have been bothering me… It was actually strange – I dreamt that I squeezed them last night – today, looking in the mirror, I remembered the dream & I had a feeling of “oh, I’m glad that was a dream.” But it also made me think: wow, this urge, desire to deal with these 3 particular pores is really deep if I am “problem solving” the pores in my dreams…

And then, for some reason I decided to just do it… it was strange because I could have resisted. Part of me felt like: I can just wait the 4 and a half more days & complete this 21 day ZT & then do it without feeling like I failed or cheated… But then, part of me felt like – the main thing is the overall progress I am making. My therapist isn’t going to ask specifically if I squeezed any pores. I can tell hoppe without feeling guilty because I know she will understand. And the other person I am accountable to is myself…. And I just felt like it’ll be now or in 4 days – I might as well just do it & get it behind me…<br>
So I did it – and even doing it felt slightly strange after these 16.5 days of not squeezing anything in the mirror… it almost felt surreal. I did feel better afterwards. One pore released the little waxy plug and looked better right away. There was less to come out of the other 2 than I thought… but a little did, and I felt this relief of “now I know the reason they look slightly inflamed is not because stuff needs to come out.”<br>
I didn’t feel much desire to look for more places - I felt more like an anxiousness to get away from the mirror…<br>
Yes, it still remains a mystery to me how much of this will linger forever, etc…<br>
But, hoppe, you are right, I can tell we are both really trying.

You’re in my thoughts, too. And I won’t feel abandoned if I don’t hear from you for a while. I will be away this weekend, too. So I’ll check in next week.

TAKE CARE

Ameise

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise

I am in a hurry, but I felt such a need to drop a few lines here.
Ameise, I seriously missed you during the last couple of days. I thought, not posting here and trying not to think about picking to much would give my mind some rest, but I do not feel that it really worked. As long as I am fighting this as much as I do, I will not be able to not think about it - not even for seconds.
Anyway, ameise, please let me know how you are doing. I read in your last post about the 3 pores .... I hope that it did not get more than that. How are things going, how is ZT, how is life? Tell me. I miss you.

I have to run.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Hi again

It is 3:40 am at my place, but I cannot sleep. I just spent 10 minutes in front of the mirror and 'took care' of something on my forehead, just below my hairline, and the physical pain is so intense I want to scream. It feels like somebody hit me on the head with a hammer.

My boyfriend is sleeping. Otherwise I would not have been able to get away with this. He is watching me so closely now.... . I asked him for it, I still want him to, but it is tough. And yesterday I started to worry, how this will affect our relationship. He is really sweet, picks me up from work, buys me flowers, etc. but I am scared how this whole thing will change his view of me. Yesterday, he said that it is difficult for him to accept that I am basically like a drug addict. I just looked at him, unable to say a single word, while a thousand thoughts went through my head. The first one was of course, I am NOT like a drug addict, how can you say that, there are at least a million differences between me and a drug addict. And then there was this other voice inside of me, he is right, isn't he, I am addicted to this, I am getting 'high' on it, I cannot stop, I constantly try to trick him, so that I can get a minute alone in front of a mirror, I still have not handed over the multiple pocket mirrors, I am hiding in various places, I AM like a fucking drug addict except for the drugs themselves. It really hurt to think these thoughts.

I am still sad that I cannot get therapy, at least not this year. I think, I could really benefit from it. I have had a lot of good periods, days, where I did not pick, I think, with the propper help it would be possible for me to stop this completely. But I do not think, I can do it alone, and the help of my boyfriend is not enough either. I need to talk to someone, who really understands, what this is about, at best someone, who has seen a picker before, and who can help me with the emotional pain, both the one caused by my parents, as well as the one resulting from my years of picking.

I think, I could really need a (virtual) hug here.... .

ameise, I am looking forward to hear from you again.


hoppe

[ameiseameise]

Hi hoppe-

I am sending a virtual hug as best I can. wow, I actually started to get misty-eyed just now, thinking of how you felt thinking of the ways we are similar to drug addicts -- sometimes feeling desperate & powerless, etc.

I am really glad that your boyfriend is helping. It must make you feel really loved and cared for. I bet it is hard for him, too, to think of you that way -- are you two talking about that, about whether this is hard on the relationship, whether he might need someone to talk to, and who that could possibly be that would not be connected to you...

A while ago I read a book from my therapist about OCDs & family members who helped with them -- something I remember from that book is that it might be important not to let you boyfriend feel like the burden is entirely on his shoulders -- to remind him that it is ultimately our choice whether or not to pick... also, both of you must remember ( & me, too) that picking is not the worst thing in the world... unlike some drugs, it is unlikely to physically disable your mind or body. Of course it can take up our mental energy and time, but ... well, for me I think it is ultimately about fear, about being accepted by the world, and so if you guys know you have each other -- well, that is more important than the picking, you know? you love each other with or without picking, and I do think the relationships we have are bigger, more important than picking.

Here: yes, the three pores... and a few more pores, too. I did kind of get in the mind set of 'oh well, so much for ZT, so I might as well "take care of" all the pores & the one white bump bothering me....
However, the way I squeezed/ picked was fairly gentle - I didn't do any damage... so it was kind of like the slip-ups during my last 21 day attempt. They weren't zero tolerance, but they weren't a damage-causing pick session. I have to admit, more than I felt guilty about squeezing them, I felt better about the pores once they were emptied -- which is a little frightening -- suggests I don't really want tot be rid of this. And I also did sort of start ot scan my cheek for other things to empty -- but stopped pretty quickly.

Hmm... I would think this would be somewhat depressing/ feel like a downfall or a step backwards but it doesn't so much. I have been thinking some about why not. The main thing is that I didn't damage or break or make my skin look worse... so it didn't send me into the cycle of harming- healing- obsessing aobut when this will heal. And it is that cycle that is what I am really trying to end.

I also do feel pretty good about having done 16 days of total ZT. I guess I'm feeling like I have learned or re-learned about what types of blemishes I need to just leave alone, and what I can perhaps (?) safely get rid of if it is really bothering me... I know there is a danger of getting sucked in if doing just the few, "safe" pores... but I guess I feel like I putting so much energy into totally resisting for a while did help me -- I'm not sure exactly how, but I feel like I'm in a state of mind where I won't sqeeze or pick in a way that will damage my skin -- at least not any time soon. I know that could change as circumstances in my life change, so I know I am still *fighting.*

I am not going to start a new 21 days immediately. I want to see what will happen if I don't. If it will be second nature for a while to keep picking to a minimum or if it will increase -- if it starts to increase, I will resume the 21 day efforts. I will still track not-picking/ or picking on my calendar, though.

I have been thinking that I think the thing I want to undertake next is to try to tell people about this. I think that will be very significant for me. A major function of picking for me has been that it is a "dark secret" I am hiding. When I was a kid, my parents were alcoholics. My mom's alcoholism bothered me especially, and it was a secret I felt I needed to hide. Once I got older, I think I transferred that habit of having a secret to picking. So, I think taking that role away from it will be helpful -- however, I am not brave enough to tell anyone face to face right now. I am thinking of writing a letter to 4 of my girlfriends and to my boyfriend. I know that once they read the letter, we will talk about it, but I can't quite imagine doing the inital telling in person or on the phone right now. Yet imagining having sent the letters, having it out there in the open is so appealing - feels freeing to think of it. Something I am unsure of, though, is whether I will have to continually have to confide his in new friends throughout my life because of my self-concsiousness about my scars... that seems tiring to have to reveal this again and agian-- but perhaps it will eventually be a small enough issue for me that I wont' feel it needs to be revealed in order to form deep connections.... or revealing it won't be so hard.

I guess we will see.


Hoppe, I am proud of you that you have made so much progress & that you're trying so hard. I'm touched that you missed me. I am sending encouraging intentions to help you "turn over" the compact hand mirrors. I still have a hand held mirror -- I have not used it since I started these various 21 day efforts, but as soon as I log off I'm going to go add it to my "stuff for the thrift store bag"

good night,

ameise

[hoppe as guest]

Hi ameise

I am glad, you still are out there. For a moment I thought you might not return to the board.... .

I am also glad things still are going fine for you, despite the little pore-squeezing. I believe that if you continue as you have so far, your skin obcession/awareness will gradually be reduced and soon you might not even notice those clogged pores anymore. Wouldn't that be great?

As I wrote in my last post, I was not nice to my forehead last night, and the spot I attacked still hurts so badly.... . I cannot believe I did this. It will take some time, before that wound is healed again. *sigh *

I think you are right that I should be careful not to let my boyfriend feel that it's all on his shoulders, and that it is his fault, if I fail. Of course it is not, it is my fault. But I cannot help thinking, if he just had noticed that I left the bed last night, if he just had stopped me... .

I admire your decision to tell some girlfriends and your boyfriend about this. But if I were you I would probably start with one of them and see how it goes. It might be quite hard, if suddenly ALL the people that are close to you know about this problem and ask you about it or just react differently towards you than they normally would do. However, I really understand your wish to have this out in the open. I also feel like I had to keep dark secrets all my life and I would love to be able to tell the truth about it to each and everyone. It hurts to think about how I lost a lot of friends because I could not get myself to tell them why I preferred to hide at home instead of being with them. I think, my secretiveness about my issues also has poisoned the relationship between me and my parents, and me and my brother. Especially the latter has been a burden for me lately. I love my brother very much, but our relationship has been very bad for some time now. He is very judgmental and criticizes me often because I cannot have a normal relationship with our parents, like he apparently can. I tried to explain to him, how much I feel that my parents hurt me, when I was younger, but he thinks that I misunderstood everything and he does not believe me, when I tell him things my father has done. For instance, my father has deliberately lied to me on several occasions, really painful lies to uncover, and my brother did not believe when I told him. He admires my father very much, mostly for his intellect and his academic achievements, and he does not accept that anyone could say something negative about this man. Because of the way my brother has reacted about these things, I have not been able to tell him about my eating disorder, picking or depression. I just could not stand the thought of getting judged by him because of it. I wish I could tell him, though. Maybe he would accept me more if he knew how much I have suffered/suffer. Instead of always telling me how ridiculous I behave, for instance because I have not visitited him for almost two years. Which I have not done because I am so afraid how he will react when he sees my skin. And I would have to sleep at his place, and the thought of that causes me so much anxiety, I just cannot go there. But there is no way he will ever understand that.

Sorry for writing so much about my brother. I should probably get back to work.

Talk to you later
hoppe

[hoppe]

11.50 pm. No picking so far today, but I have felt very tempted.

I have had some bad mood swings during the last couple of days. One second I am really happy, the next I feel sad and depressed. But I should not complain. The happy moments are good. They make me dream. How it would be, if I would not have CSP anymore. All the things I could do. Go for a walk whenever I feel like it. Meet with friends whenever I would like to. Visit my brother. Visit my grandmother. Plan things, I can look forward to. Not like now, where I am completely unable to plan more than half a day ahead. Because I never know what will come, if I will have an attack... .

I know that I am doing better. Better than I thought possible. It is four weeks ago that I started to work again, and I have been there every day, except one. And it was not my skin that made me stay home that day. This is really good for me. I was often sick at my last position. People believed I had migraine attacks, and I let them believe it. I also 'caught' every possible cold or virus that was going around. I had some trouble because I was 'sick' so often, but I had no choice. There was no way I could leave home. Those days, I usually slept all day, because I could not stand being awake, being conscious, seeing myself in the mirror, understanding what I had done, knowing that I missed another day of work. And I could not stand getting back to work and everybody asking me, how I was doing, if I felt better, if I had seen a doctor about the headache.... . I often wanted to scream at them - Go away. You do not understand. I did not have a headache. The truth is that I picked so much at my face that I had to take painkillers to be able to stand it. I used a needle and I picked a hole in my forehead so deep I almost saw my brain. Do you know how that feels? Do you have any idea what it is like? No, you do not. So do me a favour, and leave me alone....

But who can do it? Who can say the truth and live with it? I couldn't.

I should probably get into bed. My boyfriend is already sleeping, and I should not be awake alone.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Friday evening, 7.15 pm.

I had a really frustrating day at work. Really really frustrating. Now I am finally at home, and I should be happy, because it is friday and I have the whole weekend in front of me, but I still feel frustrated. I also made the mistake of not eating lunch, which often makes me very irritable.... .

My boyfriend is not home yet. I went straight to the computer, because I am in a real 'pick-mood'. I hope he is coming soon. He can make me smile again.... .

hoppe

[hoppe]

Saturday morning, 10 a.m.

I did not pick yesterday, and that was really good. I still have a big scab from last monday (and some old scars/marks), but other than that my skin looks really nice today. It makes me happy but also a bit anxious. If things are to good, I always feel this terrible desire to destroy them - as if I do not deserve that things are good.... .

ameise, I have not heard from you for some days now. I hope you are okay. And seabreeze, how are you doing?
It feels kind of sad to write this journal all alone. It is easier if you feel you share things with someone else, both ups and downs.... .

hoppe

[amiese ameise]

Hoppe-

I'm sorry I've been gone so long -- it has just been because of lack of opportunity to come to the board. Work has been either busy or has felt too "public" and 2 of the last three nights my boyfriend was here & the other night a friend came over for dinner and stayed over.

I have been thinking of you & I even started a letter to you at work, but didn't have time to finish -- it was in response to your post about your brother. I wanted to tell you to feel free to post as much as you want about him, or other family members -- because really what makes CSP significant, I think, is how it affects our relationships. So we have to think/ write about that.

I'm sorry to hear you've been moody -- I go through pretty drammatic mood changes, too. I'm very proud of you though that you've managed not to pick, even Friday night when you were in a picky mood - that's really great. And it's great, too, about a whole month of being able to face people at work every day. It is getting close to that freedom of being able to plan for whatever you want to do, visits, etc.

Things are good here, too. I think Tuesday was the 21st day of the total ZT attempt - which as ou know, changed from total ZT to just resisting major pick session on day 16. So it's kind of funny, on both days 20 & 21 I squeezed a couple pores, with the feeling of "oh it's not total ZT, I might as well" But now that it has been not a "21 day effort" I haven't squeezed any more pores -- it may be that I emptied the ones that were noticable, so there's nothing bothering me, but I also think the "pressure" of the 21 days was getting to me, and I as more inclined to push the "rules" as far as I could.... since tuesday, no picking at all, except one whitehead that I noticed all of a sudden & was really ready to go -- I got rid of it, and it was gone, no damage,etc, so I think it was really "ready." Perhaps scrubbing it off with a wash cloth would have been more pick-free, but it doesn't seem to matter.

I am feeling pretty good about how my skin looks, too. There are no scabs or wounds, or even pimples. i had one place on my temple that was healing from a truly big pimple that I had mostly let alone, but I did pick at a little when I abandoned the Total ZT goal. As of late yesterday, it is totally healed to -- it is so nice & really natural to have a continuous "fabric" of unbroken skin -- of course this is how it is suposed to be.

Today I'm going to read, and do some creative writing, but also try to start an outline of the points I would want to address in letters to my friends & boyfriend about CSP, if that is how I decide to open up about it...

One other notable thing, in therapy this week my therapist sort of emphasized how my scars or picked skin weren't BIG or POWERFUL issues in themselves, it is that I give them power, have made them central in my life and mindset -- and that kind of made me angry. I said something like "if I had a drug addiction, wouldn't that be generally acknowledged as a BIG thing" and I thought of how many of us (intelligent, thoughtful, insighful people) there are who have gotten overwhelmed by this behavior & thought pattern... I know it is true that my mind controls it, but somehow I want acknowledgment that it is a powerful trap or mindset....


that is all for now,

again, I'm sorry to have been away so long. Oh, In my yoga class we went around the room & each were supposed to say something that was going working well for us... and I said that I had a woman I was writing to in Sweden & we were helping each other get over a problem we both share. So, you see, I am thinking of you.

suddenly I want to tell you my "real" name ( although ameise is truly my boyfriend's nickname for me) -- my other name is Andrea, pronounced as Germans pronounce it.

I hope you're well,

andrea-ameise

[hoppe]

Hi ameise

I am really glad to hear from you!

And thank you for telling me your real name. It makes me feel closer to you. I am not really ready to put my real name out there, but eventually I might. I think it has not so much to do with anonymity, but more that I think that many things I have written in this journal, I could only write because it was not really 'me' writing it, it was 'hoppe'.

During the night I got a nasty thing on my right cheek, and unfortunately, I felt the need to take care of it.... . I cannot tell if I did much damage. The morning will reveal it to me.

I have been thinking about what your therapist has said that your skin obcession/CSP is not really a big thing, but that you/we made it big... . I think it is not right, CSP and its results are a big thing, even bigger than a number of other disorders, both because of the skin destruction part but also because of the self-isolation that comes with it. When I had bulimia, at least I could still leave the house whenever I wanted and I did not feel this need to hide from people. To some extend I understand your therapist, because when she(?) gets a small pimple, even if she notices it, she will probably leave it alone and not think about it at all, and when you/I get one, we will think about it non-stop, possibly stay home because of it and eventually attack it so much that we create a huge wound. So yes, you could say, we made a big thing out of it compared to her. However, I guess, you might find an analogy in her having a beer for dinner, she probably does not crave it or go crazy if she cannot have four more afterwards, however, therefore comparing that to an alcoholist and saying that the alcoholist just has made his beer a 'big thing' would not be right, would it? To me it sounds like she is saying that if you just would pull yourself together, it would be fine, but that is so not true. I have always had people telling me that I have a strong will, and I think, it is true, when I set my mind up to something I will usually get there. But completely stopping picking or obcessing about my skin? So far, impossible. I have recently tried to test if the problem might be willpower alone, if it somehow vanished, so I have for instance not had coke or coffee for at least 5 weeks, just to test if I could do it. Before I always considered myself addicted to coke and had to have it almost every day, but I can tell you, giving it up felt like a piece of cake to me - probably because I compared it to my fight to get rid of my skin obcession.

In a few days I will have the second session of my three-session assessment. Things are going so slowly here. The next will probably be in november, and after that, it will take up to a year before I can get therapy, if I get referred at all. I am telling you, if you think health care in Scandinavia rocks, it is not true. To some extend yes, because everbody can get it, and you do not have to choose if you want to spent your last dollar/krone on health care insurance or on something else important like food for your kids. But apart from that - things are so slow.... . Especially when it comes to psychiatric/psychological issues. You can easily get all the pills you want, but someone to talk to? No. Come back next year. It is like they are hoping you jumped of the bridge by then, so that they can shorten their waiting list by one. Sorry, if I sound cynical here, I guess I am.

ameise, I am thinking of you. Thank you for being there.

hoppe

[hoppe]

Monday morning.

So, now it happend again. The infection on my cheek spread and I feel I look like such a hideous freak, I really do not want to go anywhere today. So I guess I will call in sick! Great. I really hate myself right now.... .

Well, fortunately, I have some work that I can do at home, so I hope my supervisor will not get mad.

Talk to you later.

hoppe