mind if i vent a little...?

[angelkiss]

i hope nobody minds if i post a message just to vent.

right now i am sitting at my desk with a whole roll of toilet paper cleaning up the blood as i dig a big hole into my leg. sorry for that nasty image...it's just that, i can't stop picking, i can't stop picking, i can't stop picking!!!

or, probably a better way to say that is...i don't want to stop picking.

i have a question...where is the line where picking your skin becomes a real problem, a real disorder? i myself am happy right now with my life, i am functioning well, i go to work, go to class, have a relationship, have no problems...of course, this is all thanks to therapy, i have to say...before that i was a suicidal picker, not a healthy well-balanced picker.

but i'm rambling, the point is...i pick, but i'm functioning well. do i still have a problem? i want to just keep on picking and it seems like too much work to stop. although, i did it once...twice, actually...why can't i do it again?

i have two problems: i am impulsive in a sense, and i am impatient. by impulsive i mean that i need instant gratification. i can't delay the pleasure and just watch the sores heal. just like i can't get through a stressful moment without a cigarette. i need to feel relaxed RIGHT NOW. i think this isn't how it's supposed to be, we are supposed to be able to wait and hold out and get through that stress and the peace of mind will come with time. that's where my impatience comes along. i am too impatient to give myself a chance to heal, then try again and quit the picking again. takes too long. i'd rather just get rid of that scab right away.

it's like today...i had a fight with my boyfriend...and i am slightly to blame. i apologized, but he was upset and not ready to forgive. common sense should tell me to give him some space, let it go...i will feel better once it passes. but instead...i sit down and pick.

so why did i do that?? because...i am insecure maybe?...or because it goes back to being a perfectionist. i can't handle thinking i did something wrong. i can't handle the stress of guilt, of feeling badly about something i did. because in my head, it relates directly to me being a bad person. it doesn't mean i made a little mistake. No. in my head, it means i'm not a good person.

so does that mean that in my head, i have this haughty little person saying i'm perfect, and when human nature goes and shows me i'm wrong, i lose it? i can't handle normal, human behavior and deviations from perfection? i can't seem to handle guilt.

thank you for letting me do all that rambling, i think i just gave myself the start of a really good research study.

[Zoner]

AngelKiss-
Thanks for venting. It gives me the courage to know I can vent when I need it, and it also gives me something to think about!
I just recently broke down and picked like mad and realized after talking about it here on the board that it was in response to feeling bummed out, then getting in a fight with my fiance. Instead of him making me feel better, he made me feel worse. so what did I do, went right in and picked. It's not the only time I pick, I do it fairly constantly, but at that time, it was a striaght out picking fest. It did make me see that picking to me is comforting. It eases my mind. And I believe it releases endorphins as well.

But another thought...... I was driving in my car yesterday and kind of had a moment of insight. As a smoker also, I've struggled with quitting. But I looked around at the rest of the world going by, and thought of my boyfriend and other people too and realized. they don't smoke. they don't pick. what's their coping mechanism? Better yet, they survive every day without smoking or picking. They survive without ever a thought of it! yet to me, I just feel like I can't live without either one. Of course I know deep down that I can- somehow. If I didn't do either, it's not like I'd die! But every inch of my body and mind needs these two things to cope for some reason. I get pleaure out of it. Even though I know that smoking is so bad for me. I also hate the smell of it. I want to quite. but deep down I don't want to let it go. I pick. I know it messes up my skin. I know it occupies way to much of my time. I know that if I continue to do it, my face will just get worse and worse. I want to quite. But deep down I don't want to let it go.
How does everyone else go about their day without ever doing either? They do- why can't I. If I never had started, I never would have missed it. It won't kill me if I don't do it.
So there's obviously something in it for me.

[rabbitmoon]

i have responses for both of you.

angelkiss: my idea of when normal picking becomes a disorder is when you feel that is has an impact on your life- that is, when you cant stop, when you rely on it, when you use it to cope with emotions. that is the line between grooming and a destructive behavior in my opinion. just because your life is going smoothly doesnt mean your picking isnt a issue that needs to be dealt with.
thank you so much for your survey. i was actually 100 percent unaware that i am a perfectionist until i took it. i went into it expecting to not be able to relate to that mentality and was shocked when practically every question sounded just like me. and i was thinking to myself, my god i really judge myself for simple human mistakes. my self-worth is destroyed if im not excelling and saying and doing all the right things at all the right times. why dont i respect myself more than that? why do i keep myself hanging by a little thread, walking a narrow line between miss everything and miss nothing? thats fucking crazy. it really opened my eyes. thank you thank you thank you!
oh yeah so back to the point- i totally relate to the way you want to feel instant gratification. i am also a smoker/picker. i actually became aware just today that when my emotions, good or bad, get to be too much, i want to just pick and then it will go away because when i pick i feel nothing. absolutely nothing. im going to start working on being ok with my emotions and riding them out in a constructive way because they do pass, as hard as we both know it is to wait for that time to come. good luck! and thanks for all this survey stuff you've been doing. someone had to and you are obviously the woman for the job!

zoner:dont think that all those other people who seem to be all happy without suffering from your paticular addictions dont have less visible coping mechanisms of their own. ive felt that way before - thinking damn those lucky bastards walking around with perfect skin that they dont even think about and turning up their noses at cigarettes. but would i rather be addicted to my image? to shopping? to self-pity? to dating married men? everyone has something that helps them to cope and we all have to try to overcome whatever it may be and just live our lives. i try not to think of other people's problems as easier than mine either. because other people would look at me and think they would have no problem quitting picking and smoking but those people have not lived my life in my body. we're all in the same boat really. good luck! love you both, rabbitmoon.

[firegirl]

i'm right in there with you guys...

the instant gratification is what kills me. i know exactly what you mean about needing to relax NOW- smoking fits the csp profile so well- it's terrible for us, we hate it, it's ugly, we don't like it- but we can't stop, we need it.

i know that i'm doing well on most things- balancing work and school and friends and doing a great job all the way around- except the picking and the smoking. i have no self- control in some areas of my life- sometimes i can't deny myself anything for more than half an hour, and i hate that, because it's a constant reminder of my imperfections. sigh-

good post, ladies... i have so much to say that i can't say anything else at all.

[touchingpeace]

I do not think there is any such thing as a "healthy" skin picker. We are such deep, complex beings and there are always many things going on at once. In this society there is this continuum on which we place dis-eases, where "healthy" is perceived as the lack of illness. However, we forget that there is a whole world of vibrancy beyond that. Also, when we live with picking we get used to extremes states of mind within that world, so when we TEXTfeel okay about picking it can seen as though we are healthy, but that is relative.

Also, I am thinking of something. Imagine you saw a little child hurting themselves by picking, what would this bring up for you? I start to think "oh my god" that would be terrible. We are no different than small children, we are not different inside than when we were five. Especially when relating to something as intense as CSP, we need all the love and compassion we can get. Picking is something we learned to do, so we can unlearn it. We have to unlearn it. I am aware of the genetic and environmental implications of CSP, these things only make it confusing and difficult. Though, not impossible to change.

Now I am rambling. Hope this helps someone. You guys always help me to say, to myself, just what I need to hear.

-Jules

[angelkiss]

Jules, you have a good point, about healthy and ill...and the context really depends on what? i often feel i am on the verge of being unwell. like, if i indulge too much in my behavior, very soon i will be right back in the place i was just a few months ago...miserable, depressed. it seems there is a continuum of mental well-being...we all fall somewhere in there, sometimes it's hard to tell where.

see, i know this is all dependent on me...i can make myself better, i can stop the picking, i'm the only one who can do it...this is why i start to feel down on myself. if i can do it, then why don't i? why am I stopping myself?

i guess because i do a whole lot of talking and not a lot of doing.

maybe the root of our problem is that all of us are very intelligent people, we thinking about things deeply and often get ensconced in it. i think it's called a ruminative coping style.

i just wish i could think less!

[luvtorun]

Hello Everyone,
My name is Tina and I am new to this site, it feels so good to see that I am not the only one w/this crazy and frustrating habit! Just to give a little background of myself, I am a recovering alcoholic and have been w/o a drink for 5 years. I do attend AA but I still seem to be stressed out and maybe depressed also. I believe that I do have OCD behaviors, not sure exactly if that is my diagnosis or not. I do see a psychiatrist and am currently on Effexor, I was on Zoloft prior to that but nothing seems to help. I also have another obsessive habit of tearing the corners of paper, I ruin books and important paperwork and it looks very bad. I have much shame in regards to both of these habits, I look at my skin and there are so many scars. I constantly pick when I have a free hand, if I am not picking I am tearing at papers. I also am obsessive about exercising and my eating, I am not anoxeric but I do definitely deprive myself of eating "whatever" in fear of gaining weight.
I have been very successful in my athletic events but at the same time I have caused much hurt and problems in my close relationships because I prioritize my training. I don't mean to go on about it, I just feel like you guys can understand. I like what was said how I want to quit, but do I really want to?? I get some sick satisfaction out of digging that scab off, even when I have to dig at it. I feel a sense of victory, sometimes I don't even allow it to heal and I go at it again.
I also will have an itch which will cause my skin to have just the tiniest blemish or hole and I make it so big and ugly due to my picking, the other day I wanted to stick a knife into my scab to dig it out! I would never go into an AA meeting and speak of this stuff, I've only shared this w/my therapist, psychiatrist, and my lover. Anyone else would probably think that I am a freak!!
I am sorry if I went on too long, it just feels so good to be able to speak freely of this. If anyone would like to e-mail me w/some insight or just to share I'd appreciate it. I will continue to read the posts and pray that I can get some sort of solution and just stop!!
Thanks again,
Tina

[Zoner]

Hi Tina-
Welcome aboard
How Ironic to read your message- I just posted a poll questioning working out habits... and here you are a runner!
We also recently had another member questioning AA, and someone suggesting sponsoring each other- please see threads.
This is a WONDERFUL group of people and we absolutely know what you are going through. Don't ever feel concerned about writing too much. Emotions are pored out on the table here, along with humor. Everyone vents and shares. I think I'm addicted to posting!!!

Hopefully this site will help you realize that you're not alone and will help relieve some of the "shame burden" you place on yourself. It's no longer just a crazy thing you do, but something that's shared by many. Take some time and read through the posts. I think that you'll see that some of the comments puts into words how you feel. Sometimes posts pull the words right out of my head.. I read and sometimes internally yell "yes!" that's how I feel, or that's what I do.

I can't say that we have all the answers, or any really. but for me anyway, I think that this site forces me to focus on my picking, giving me insite. I now question everytime I do it. I am now more active in trying to stop- although it's not easy.

So welcome aboard! Glad you're here! I'm sure you'll help each of us out as much as we help you!

[Canuck]

angelkiss said:

i just wish i could think less!

Oh, you read my mind! I feel this way absolutely every single day, angelkiss. The more I think about my picking, I think, the worse I feel about myself, and the more I want to pick. So what do I do? I just try to keep busy. If I think about picking any more than I do at my peak now, I think I'd go insane.

[touchingpeace]

I just wanted to comment on the "thinking less" stuff. Has anyone ever tried any form of meditation? I practice a few different kinds, where part of the point is to learn to work with the mind. Mind's think, that is what they do, there is no sense in trying to stop thinking because we can't. However, we can work with how we relate to our thoughts. It is like taming a wild horse, the more you try to control it, the more wild it becomes.

I could go on, but just wanted to recommend meditation. It is especially helpful if you find a teacher, rather than trying to learn from books. Books can work, but I do not think they are as helpful.

-Jules

[Secret]

Jules,

I try to meditate daily and I know it helps. Today I did an exercise where I took white light into myself through my kopavi, breathing through my kopavi. I shone the light out through my belly and I actually felt the vibration, like a breath out of my belly! I continued to breath light in through my kopavi and out through my belly. I felt high.

[touchingpeace]

Secret,
That's the thing. Meditation is powerful, no matter what technique you practice. There are so many different techniques too, I think many could find help.

-Jules

[pixelmonkey]

i, too, have found that meditation helps a lot. as does yoga. if i can get myself to do an hour or so of yoga before i get ready for bed, i can avoid the temptation that comes with washing my face at night.

[Teresa =)]

hi ladies:) havent see u in a while i have to confess something my mum know about i find this board and my dad too knows that(they are trying to get toghether again.. and i am quite happy about that, i hope that will help me *tears*) and they dont want me to log here, and read ur messages:( cause they think it make my pick worse.. dont fell bad pple i obey for a several weeks but i still need some support with that from pple who feel like me, and think like me.. who can understand me better cause they know what excalty i mena of the "senses of csp".

Well first about the ciggar... hello another smoker present, my bf is a non-smoker and my mom smokes a lot, i stole her cigars somethimes cause i dont want to buy mine cause i am to selfish when is about my money... but on important exam the rule for me is coca cola diet (jeje to keep the shape) and my 20 ciggars box... i rememeber i usually felt bad about smoke.. like guitlty, like i thought i mess my teeth, i mess my lungs... and my bf dosent like that so i quit smoking for 6 months.. and it was oki.. well but then i get very fat (buuuu or i will say muuu, lol) and well also important exams come, and after ate all the kitchen, i needed more so then i started to smoke again.. and well become an smoker again.. i dont smoke as i usually did befoe that was a lot.. but i still smoke and well somethimes when i am studying i can smoke a lot.. well and i think i dont feel that guilty anymore and i said i will stop smoke again but i didnt... ahh shit
also i will love to think less about my picking and to see what i am doing and i cant resist... aww than... then... what else what else...gosh so many words on my head and no idea how to order them.. dammit!!!
anyway ..... i wish i can use skirt for my bday on dec 21.... that is my only wish for now...
take care
Teresa

[firegirl]

teresa~

if you're like me, it feels good to have people to talk to about my problem... i've only ever told one person in real life, because i'm ashamed and think that no one will understand. there's such a sense of relief with being completely honest, even if i'll never meet the people i'm confiding in (maybe because i'll never meet these people- no fear.)

i think this board is a godsend as far as dealing with csp, and it doesn't make me pick worse- sometimes helps me pick less. if you feel like coming here is helpful and that it makes you feel better about yourself, then break the rules and keep coming here! i think we all understand you, your posts are smart and funny, you make me smile - i hope you can stay.

i hope you can get into that skirt- i'm on a mission myself to look nice in an awesome low cut black vintage sweater for friday nite...

good luck... firegirl.