acne picking

[kishara]

I just wanted to throw this in, I have never posted a single thing about this or discussed it with anyone. Like ever. I am starting to think the source of this was my parents, but maybe others can shed more light on my situation. My mother was a person who was 100 lb but always on a diet. She never talked to me about sex. When I asked at a fairly young age, she looked disgusted and acted is I already knew the answer to my question. When I began to menstruate, she didn't even discuss it with me but put tampons and pads in my bedroom in a box. She never even described what would happen. When I wanted to know about birth control and STDs, all she did was put a flyer in my room, like 2 years before I even considered having sex. It was so weird and made me feel so self-negative and isolated that I could never talk about sex, my body, or anything else with my mother.

At around age 15, a friend came over and told me that I could "squeeze blackheads." After she told me this, I became obsessive about it. Every time I felt isolated, lonely and depressed, I'd go in the bathroom and sit on the sink for hours, picking every little blemish out of my face, so at the end of several hours doing this, I would appear to have a red face with bleeding scabs all over it and feel horrible about my appearance. Anytime anyone would comment about how my skin looked, I'd feel deeply depressed and say nothing about my actions. My mother would constantly say "don't pick your face" "you're going to ruin your face..." but she always seemed to despise me anyway and never really discussed it with me besides telling me that. She'd get me weird things like topical medications that didn't help my habit, that (little did I know) would end up being decades. So now I am 34, and I still do this. I hate myself every time I do it, which ranges from once a day to once a week. I will try everything I can to stop, like various anti-acne medication (because I figure if the blackeads are completely gone, I won't pick them). However, I doubt that they ever will be, and fear that as long as the reoccur, I will always try to remove them.

Other than this, I want to be a very healthy person. I try to stay physically fit, I was a dancer for awhile and exercise regularly, I try to drink lots of water, eat vitamins and be in shape. I feel overall that my appearance is average, not beautiful but not ugly either. But this face picking stuff makes me truly hate myself the minute I finish picking, and for several days after until my skin heals. Then it heals and I feel great, and start the whole routine all over again. Since this has been about 19 years now, I am just mindblown that I have done it this long. I am now to the point that I want to put my foot down and stop this behavior -- I don't want to live like this. I have spent half my life obsessing over this and feeling crappy for so many days -- what a waste of life. I have not been able to forge very intimate relationships due to this, and I know it is a very profound lack of self esteem. Life is way to short to spend it like this, I feel -- and if anyone has anything to offer, please help.

By the way -- I have tried SSRI's for other things (anxiety and depression) and they did not stop my behavior, and only seemed to hurt my overall mental state (even if I was more even keel). I don't really have a lot of money to shell out to a therapist either being a graduate student -- and dont' know if I could even discuss this face to face with someone. This is actually the first day of my life that I've expressed this problem outside of just trying to deal with it internally.

[anonymousartist]

Hi Kishara,

I can relate to a lot of your story. My mom was always willing to talk about sex and things (she's a nurse and very liberal) but I was still embarassed about bringing certain things up (I was afraid to tell her when I got my period). She also would buy me lots of acne meds (as well as taught me to pop themm....ugh!)

Well, I also used to spend a lot of time on the blackheads. Once in a while I still have a go at them. I think what helps is realizing that I will NEVER be able to get them all. There are too many! Now that I think about it, I have been picking since my teenaged years (I'm 24 now) and it hasn't helped clear up my skin once!

Anyway, it really helped me to come and discuss it with people who understood, and I hope it will help you. I do have more good days than I used to since coming to the boards and I know one day I will stop this habit. I also realized that there is nothing to be ashamed of or hate myself about. There are so many people who do this, even people I know in real life who I wouldn't think do.

This board has a lot of great resources but it hasn't been so active lately and there's no moderator. I run another board at skinpicking.proboards77.com/index.cgi . Feel free to join if it interests you.

[Kyra]

I can totally relate to your story.
I have gone through some really bad times and have tried talking to counselors about it but they always say, "it doesn't look that bad to me" or "tell yourself to stop in the mirror" or "put all the mirrors away". None of that ever worked for me or made any difference.
I was doing well for about a year or so but I have been depressed with my situation lately and not as busy as I was and that is always a BIG trigger for me. If I stay busy that helps a lot. I thought I was cured because I had never gone so long without picking and I stopped picking everything and my arms even healed and my face healed and I was able to wear sleeveless shirts for the first time in my life and I am in my 30's. There are hardly any people who know about my problem. I only wish I could get some serious help for it. I often dream about how wonderful things can be when I don't pick or even think about it. I tried to see my Brother as an incentive not to pick because he is even worse off than I am, he digs for hours and has major holes in his face. He uses needles and his face is full of huge scars. I never even used a needle until recently I started using pins. Now, I am disgusted to even think that I went to that level. I can't seem to stop myself and I sit and touch my skin and try to keep myself from going to the bathroom and then I get so anxious and I have to get up and go to the mirror and I think, "I will just get this one and nothing more", THAT NEVER HAPPENS! It is a scary problem and I wish I didn't feel so alone, but I do. I am also afraid that my daughter will see me spending too much time in the bathroom and start doing this and I would be devastated. My Mother picks at the hairs on her face obsessively and has always done that and I think we learned this picking thing from her but I don't know for sure. I had an extremely traumatic childhood and I think this was an escape for me. I always HATE how I look after I pick and I get so angry at myself for several days. Sometimes, not wanting anyone to see me. Or when I make a hole in my face that I can't cover up, I want to hide away somewhere.
I NEED HELP!

[KCU]

Hi. I was reading everyones stories and just wanted to add that I think this is somewhat of a "learned" behavior. When I hit puberty I never touched my face or even thought about it, but one day I got a huge zit and my mother just kept urging me to pop it. I said no, but finally she did it for me. I have other memories of her doing stuff like that too. I learned it from her. I am one of 4 of her daughters. 3 out of 4 of us (me and my sisters) now do this on a regular basis, and we all wish she had never shown us this. Im 28 now with a daughter of my own and Im determined to not introduce this behavior to her. The most frustrating part is that I don't have bad skin. I just make it look that way. I actually used to get several compliments on my skin, but they just made me examine it closer. It was like I was thinking "this is my one good asset, so I need to get rid of any imperfections in it". That kind of thinking of course backfired hugely on me. I go after blackheads with a vengeance and I make it so much worse. I haven't been complimented on my skin now in over 10 years. I can't believe how long I've been doing this for.

[CantStopPicking]

I have the same behavior. I believe i learned it from my mother as well. But it seems to have been at it's worse the last few years. I have been to a naturopath and complained of the dark coarse hairs in my chin. We did a hormone test and it came back that my progesterone was low and was recommended to use a progesterone cream. I didn't use it long enough to really notice major results. She said i have what is called Hirsutism, the growth of dark hair in woman in areas that woman don't usually get hair, eg face, chin. I believe a lot of my hair and acne is also due to my excess weight. I've come to spend great lengths of time in front of mirror plucking the hairs on my chin, acne and blackheads. Nothing i hate to see more is a big white head on the face. I know it will make a scar if i pop it but i think that it has to get out. I wish i knew what i could do to resolve this. I'm trying to change career fields and it would help to have a clearer face to get a new job. Any suggestions?

[Amanda]

Wow! I had no idea there were such thing as complusive with hair/acne picking!! Now, I have discovered from reading this and did a research. IT MAKES SENSE! I'm one fo them~!
There nothing to be proud of this, especially dealing with this~!
But it actually GREAT to findout I'm not alone with this situation.
It quite frustrated to break the habits. I believe there is no 100% cure for this but yet....only temoparily, if youdid try to find a way. But you'll go fall back and do the same repetitve routine.
I started out at a very young age. i remember I did modeling for photo shot & fashion runway. I always find image struck me till now. I believe I got this same behaviours from my mother bec she would always squeeze my big fat juicy pimple or ANY BUMPS. And love how it pop/crunchy sound and whenever comes out. I've been doing it on myself....until it become OUT OF CONTROL. I would spend long hours in the mirror like is one of my hobby. Now, i get these nasty scars and it became so noticable for my high school friend to point out and make comment. That when I started wearing make-up to coverup these ugly marks. I've became so insecure with my apperances. I'd try to break it from cutting my nails short and stop my mother from squeezing it. But prrft, back in the same position. It wasn't that easy! However, from reading everyone's experience became my awareness and I'm not alone-once again! But opening up does helps!
Good lucks everyone!!!

[Michael]

Hi,

I used to be a picker, and I have weened myself off it. I used to stand there in the mirror thinking about every little thing.

I got myself a good facial regime and now I don't have hardly any of the open pores I once did.

The way i weened myself off was I was just thinking how in 20 years time I don't want to have damaged skin from all this picking. My skin is nice the way it is and I would hate to have real damaged skin later on.

That's how i did it.

[Molly H]

Hi Everyone,

This is the first time I'm on this forum, but I can totally relate to your stories. I've had acne for over 10 years now (I'm 22), and I have also always been picking and squeezing at it. In my case, the picking actually made it as bad as it was...I don't have severe acne, but all the picking causes red patches and infections, as you of course know... My acne reached it's height when I was about 16, I guess, and I think the older I get, the less bad my acne gets. However, I still have it, because of the picking.

But since a couple of weeks or so, I've stopped. I had to take antibiotics because of a dog-bite in my hand, and after a week, most of my acne had disappeared because I felt ill (and when I'm ill I don't scratch) and because of the antibiotics. That week has probably made the difference: I don't do any picking anymore. I still feel like doing something about the remaining acne and blackheads, so I bought a tube of tea tree peeling mask and a face solarium.

The picking and the acne just formed a circle for me: the more I picked, the more acne I had, the more I picked, etc. My mum had also been telling me for years that I shouldn't pick, and finally I realize how right she was. I know it's difficult to stop, but as soon as you break the circle, it will just become easier every day not to start again. No picking is a better remedy than any medicine, cream or mask. I really wish all of you a lot of luck and strength to stop your habit of picking and hope you will be able to break the circle!

[cyndi]

hey!!!!

well my name is cyndi. right now i am 15. I was reading your story and right now i have the same problem as you do. i have been doing it for now about 5 years. NO offence just not as bad as you. I use to be. one day i saw my brother picking his face, he use to have the same problem as us, but i thought it would be cool. once I did it. i thought it was cool and i started doing it everyday. i would do it in class or whenever i got to a mirror and had time to do it.

now. im not as bad but i still do it. every once in awhile i can get really bad. i agree with your apperance. i had the same problem but thats when you'll realize that someone will like you for you not just for looks. not matter who it is. that may be rare but idk.

i mean. I'm the lazest person you would probably ever meet. when it comes down to have a goal. ill start it and i wont finish it. so i tried to put a goal to stop picking, and it didnt work. but people tell me all the time my face is getting so much better and jus hearing those compliment just make me not wanna touch my face.

does your face get inchy or your fingers just want to pick?? well mine does. instead of picking i just rub my face. i know it will get oily but its better than picking. and just wash your face after. sometimes my fingers have the habit of just doing something. sooo i try to go out of my way and do other things to get my mind off of it.

just talking about it is making me want to do it. but atleast your not the only one that does it. when i use to do it and i use to look at all the other girls in school i thought i was the only one that does it. my bestfriends sister does it and we talk about it all time. and we still dont tend to stop. my mom would yell at me everytime i started. but you should of talked about it more with people. they could of helped you stop. you cant always do things by yourself. doesnt always work if you have noticed.

just if you want to talk more. just email me.
[e-mail].

but i hope i gave you some help.
" I have faith in you"

you know someone told me that. and it just made me someone believed that i can actually do it. i know im popular. but it ment something to me. and i hope it ment something to you.

byeee. have a goodnight/day/evening!

ttys

[katielady]

I am 26 years old and have been picking since jr. high. I even got the nick name “pox” from one of my class mates. It didn’t bother me that much. I don’t let too much get to me, and I always had tons of friends and was invited to lots of stuff so it never seemed too bad to me. Back then it was not as bad as it is now. I can still remember my mom knocking on the bathroom door telling me to get out, or coming up with some excuse to make me come out.
Now I am married and when I first started dating the man that I married I knew that he would not understand the compulsion, so I stopped. I didn’t want to disappoint him or give him a reason to leave. So I just stopped. But as the relationship progressed and I was sure that he was not going to leave over something like that I started up again. I think it is worse now than it has ever been. I just quit my job and have no motivation to go find another one because I don’t want to be seen in public right now. But like we all know, idleness is like fuel on the fire for this disorder. I never really thought about going to see a physiologist about this because I thought it would be a waste of their time. I kinda put it in the same category as chewing your nails. I am starting to reconsider because it is affecting my everyday life and my relationships. Does this have something to do with not liking yourself? I never thought I suffered from that but maybe it is subconscious.

[walelas]

Hi Everyone,

Wow! I am 45 years old and I have been picking since I was 12 years old. I agree...I was shocked at my mom picking and I wanted to do it too. As well I wanted a clear face. What we did not talk about or were not conscious about back in the 70's, was anxiety and compulsive disorders. My mom used to threaten to tie my hands in paper bags!

The behavior increased and decreased with stress, hormone changes in pregnancy, love etc. It is a vicious cycle with many triggers. I have scars and insecurities. I always thought I'd just die if this was ever talked about on TV in the 80s and 90's.

What I have found is several solutions assist, but basically deal with the anxiety- compulsive disorder.

Most recently in my life in the past 10 years, I have had 2 car accidents. Both times my skin picking went way out of control !
Maybe the impact of the trauma triggered an increase in my brain. But the obsessive focus impacted me and I see one of my sons has this behavior as well.

What I want to share today is.. I now live with chronic pain. A year ago a doctor prescribed Zytram (Tramadol). What I noticed is a reduction of skin picking even though the medication was for pain ! I googled 'Zytram' and read that this does happen.

Zytram is an Opioid. There is research that our brains may be Opioid deficient. I think more research will be helpful !!

Beyond that,, you younger people are so lucky to have more info and a way to communicate and acknowledge the reality!! of living with this behavior.

It is great to see that you are aware of your own triggers and ways to slow it down. I just hope that recognizing the cycles of your stress and health through out your adulthood, will leave you with far less scars that I have physically and emotionally.

Bless you all!

[alexsandra]

HI my name is alexsandra i have the same problem as all of u my i even worst i cant stop picking on my acne im 17 i had acne since i was 14 i dont have really bad acne ill have em like couple on my face but still i cant do this anymore .i dont know how 2 stop its relly addicting and its becoming obssesion i mean even my parents were and still are yelling t me for picking on my acne but it dosnt help ..i cant live the bump on my face ..i know that if i contineu doing this that my face is gonna look ugly ..i keep telling my self that but it dosnt help i really want 2 stop picking on my acne ...what can i do

[Lazarus]

Hi everyone,

I'm a face picker too, since I was three years old. From doing a bit of research (and I am no medical professional so this is just my opinion!) I believe that the condition is inherited. Its an obsessive compulsive disorder, sometimes known as Acne excoriee or dermatillomania. I've often seen that children who pick or pull their hair while have a parent or relative that used to (or still do) the same. I also think it might have something to do with serotonin levels, so I've found that taking 5htp has helped me. Another thing that has helped me a lot is hynotherapy. It retunes your subconscious. It's amazing, I would definitely recommend it! Also, FORCING yourself to go out after a major picking session, weirdly, helps. However much you want to put stuff on your face and hide inside, get out there! Your face always looks worse to you (what stranger is ever going to get as close to your face as you do in the mirror?!). So get outside, run an errand or whatever. It totally helps to break the cycle. Staying in because you feel ashamed reinforces the desire to pick, because you feel out of control. I promise you, going out there breaks that cycle and helps put you back on track.


Lazarus

[Reply to Kishara]

I'm 43. My mother is an abusive alcoholic and hated me and let me know it. I was unacceptable the way I was. Although I did not have acne, when I was around 10, she would pin me up against the wall and pick my blackheads. I learned to do this from her. I have done it for years along with my other addictions. I am in recovery now and realize that when I had feelings or anxiety that I couldn't deal with, I'd go to the mirror and pick. When I was done and my face was a mess, I could explain to myself that that was my problem and I didn't deal with my past, and this is how I dealt with the anxiety. Now, realizing this, when I feel myself heading towards the mirror, I stop and try to figure out what is bothering me. I have started to take care of myself...I've been reading self help books for 7 years and trying the 12-step approach. When I tell myself that I do this because of her, it is easier to stop because I hate her, not me now.
Take care of yourself. We deserve that.

[hints from heloise]

hi-
its very good to share stories, advice...
i really went off the track from BAD advice!
i NEVER touched my face until my late teens...i remember at age 13 reading a mag that said 'don't squeeze zits! you will have scars!' and so luckily i headed this advice after trying one time, and finding myself with a tiny red scar on my chin. well, when
i was 19 my good friend (who had persistant acne) recommended me to her dermatologist (why would i go to the dermatologist of a person who is NOT being cured??? lacks logic..) all i had were a few black heads in my ears that my mother said were 'ugly'. well this dermatologist was an older woman with a frighteningly slithery smooth complexion, i think she was a real believer in smothering the skin in glycerine (which made popping zits a cinch) the problem was, i got into it too, and started 'self' surgery...the glycerine in a twisted way really helped because it cures scars i do believe, and made picking very easy, however, around the same time i got an allergy to wheat (which i only diagnosed 13 years later) which caused me to have REAL persistant skin problems...just terrible breakouts, which i could not understand the origin of....and i went crazy picking and squeezing, i was studying to be an actress at the time and it really paralyzed me with self consciousness! it pisses me off the amount of time i wasted in the mirror, the amount of time i disabled my self, socially, romantically ughhhhhh!...i'm 34 now and STILL relapse at times, and its all the dark stuff coming up, all the voices of disapproval of my parents, etc.... my grandfather was recently working on the family tree--guess my great great grandpa was an important dermatologist in the 1800"s!!! so this may be a weird surgical impulse that goes deeply back...also, my mother modeled some pretty uninspiring behaviour-she had a nose job (i inherited her big nose! ) so while i grew up with her genes, she showed me how to reject her body the WAY IT IS--and important lesson, ladies (and gents)--your rejection of yourself will emanate out of you in negative energy waves no matter how good a person you are!!! you are ALWAYS a model of behaviour, to your children, your siblings, your co-workers--we are ALL teachers, that is finally the lesson to learn-accept your less than perfections, EMBRACE and celebrate the way you are unique, NOT like a mannequin, not like a robot! BE PROUD of your scars, but WISE enough not to cause more!!!!