s daily babble

[Me not signed in]

Thanks ameise. Yes, that filling is so absurd. Thankfully it is healing up well. It amazes me how well the skin can heal after all I put it through.

Tomorrow I go for a 20 per cent salicylic peel and am starting to attend a meditation group (3 hours per week for many weeks- I can't remember until when). I am hoping that this will help me to let go of some of my perfectionistic thinking/obsessing.

Things are crazy busy right now with work and wedding planning. All exciting and everything- but I alternate between totally losing it and coping okay.
I can't wait for the honeymoon.

goodnight,
K

[running2stndstill]

went for the salicylic. It was good- it has been two days since and it really helped my flare up to subside. However, my dark spots seem really apparent. I don't think that it is from the peel, it is just because I am super exfoliated right now.

Keeping mirrors down, tried putting one back up in the hall and I just stop and pick. Grrrr. Stopped myself from picking this morning while putting on makeup. Yay. Went out with little makeup on, but when I got home later I was a little bit mortified that I had been out all day with all my dark spots visible.

I have my clindoxyl prescription skin cream on now, and I am resisting the urge to examine my face in a mirror.

goodnight for now. Hope you're all well.
-K

[running2stndstill]

well the bad thing about the salicylic is that my skin is so smooth I can see every bump, pore and irregularity. And I had a guest over today, so right before she came over, I picked and then had to quickly cover up and go to the grocery store to pick up some food (rush rush rush) and then when she left I still had the mirrors up and I picked- once all over my face. Then I took down the mirrors again.

I tried to meditate but I fell asleep.

-k

[ameise as guest]

Hi K -

I just thought I'd check in and hopefully give you a little encouragement...


When I finished reading your posts for the last couple days, I had a little smile on my face... & I thought "why?" She says she picked a little over her whole face and fell asleep instead of meditating... But I realized that the reason it made me smile a little was that I could see how it was sweet & heartwarming that you are trying (& how that's the important thing)... you took the mirrors down & only got caught by them when you had to have them up for the guest & you did sit down to meditate....

The fact that I focused on those positive things - the fact that you are trying - also reminded me of how it is sometimes much easier to see the positive efforts/ be forgiving of others ... while when I fall short myself I sometimes tend to just to feel frustrated.

Good luck... with wedding planning, not picking, and calming your perfectionist mind...

Ameise

[Nelly]

K,

That's great that you're taking initiative to stop your picking habit. I hope the meditation in combination with the facials/peels and support from others will help you conquer this behaviour.

I hate it how right after I use an apricot scrub on my face my pores seem to become more visible. I imagine you're experiencing a similar effect from your salicylic peel. One product that I've found to work really great is L'Oreal Transformance. Someone had recommended it on this board and after failing to find it at a few department stores and pharmacies I ended up buying it off of ebay. It contains vitamin C and makes your skin super soft, while making your pores nearly invisible the first time you use it. Plus, when I use it, it seems to make my wounds and sores heal faster. I'm not a big fan of creams and moisturizers, but this product seems pretty amazing. Maybe you could give it a shot.

Anyway, I hope you're managing to resist the urge to pick and that you're keeping your stress levels down.

Nelly

[running2stndstill]

Thanks Ameise and Nelly for your sweet posts,

it has been a crazy week, and I think I often make things crazier for myself. Been so busy haven't hardly had time to pick. But this morning, so tired, gave myself permission just for one and had a little field day. So now I am waiting for it to subside and trying not to feel so screwed up. When I have a bad picking session, I find myself thinking of people who are successful or who I admire and think how different I am from them, how I am sure they don't have any of these f'd up behaviors. Then I feel terrible.
I think I have decided to try and switch psychiatrists and try to find someone to now help me work on csp and my other perfectionist tendencies, but I am really scared to leave my guy that I have been seeing for years. He was great, especially when I was more depressed, but I think I need to see someone who understands this stuff a little bit better. I am not sure if I will find that, but I will try.

I just feel really ugly. And tired. But am trying hard to just plod on and get through the week. It's just been full of too many things to do.

Thank goodness for fudgsicles and our dog.

-K

[running2stndstill]

Later the same day...

I felt terrible all day- I dwelled (is it dwelt? who knows) on my negative emotions and fatigue from staying up too late doing wedding related stuff. but then...I had meditation class, where I was feeling guilty and not good enough all week, and now it was coming to a head. Every single time I did the recommended practice, I fell asleep, and felt like I wasn't trying hard enough etc. Then I got there and our instructor/facilitator talked about how all of these things are opportunities for us to better understand ourselves. It's not about doing the meditation perfectly or anything like that, but when I have these feelings about wanting to be perfect, observing them and perhaps trying to figure out why they happen or how.

It was a little revelation, really.

They also told this really powerful story about how we as adults are designed to stay the same and not change, even if our habits/circumstances are not healthy or even what we want. She talked about how animals used in laboratory experiments will tend to stay in their cages even when someone comes to play with them or let them out. But, she said that if you went back, day after day to coax them out, they become more willing to venture out of their cage to experience something different. She noted how it is similar to ourselves in establishing a new habit/changing, and that even when our routines are maladaptive/harmful, we tend resist change because it is in our nature. But we can change if we are persistent.

I left with hope and a more peaceful feeling.
Just wanted to share.

-K

[memyself and I not signed in]

today was a good day. this morning I didn't pick. instead I really thought about how I would be tempted to pick and why I wouldn't before I sat down in front of the mirror. I got in close once or twice but resisted the urge.

And the rest of the day I have not really looked in the mirror.

Isn't it bizarre how I can feel like a wacko one day and then fairly normal the next. Cuckoo.

[ameise as guest]

Hi K -

how are you doing?

I like the analogy of the mice that will eventually get used to coming out to play...

it is nice to remember that change requires gradual, persistent working on it

for me these days, that seems to be useful in thinking about me & CSP, as well as other things -- like getting along with my difficult dad (& possibly help him be happier & mentally healthier) .

I hope you are well,

ameise

[running2stndstill]

Thanks ameise,

I am doing fairly well. I have been working on becoming more at ease with all I feel anxious and guilty for at work, and on trying to overcome the feelings that keep me from moving forward. My picking has been pretty good this week, a little bit every day for sure, but not much, except today I had a little feast. Took down one out of the way mirror that I was visiting a little too often.

I am going for microdermabrasion tomorrow to try to take care of some of my darker spots and even things out a bit. I also did that photodynamic therapy stuff just once so far, and it may have helped. I am doing a lot right now, Which is not necessarily good, but I don't care right now, I just want to be clear. I am still using the clindoxyl cream every night along, and have another salicylic peel in two weeks.
So it is not just less picking, but there is definitely less to pick at, thank God.

Reading Full Catastrophe Living for the meditation course, and it is very interesting. (by Jon Kabat Zinn).

Watched the Notebook last night- oh such a cute love story- I thought it would be terrible cheese-o-rama, but it was good!

I've been very busy, and trying to be more focussed, so haven't been posting as much. When I get on the internet I tend to procrastinate a lot.

Bye for now.
K