s daily babble

[running2stndstill]

OOhhhh Hoppe- you got me to page 2!!! Woohoo!

Sorry- this is long. The take home message is I'm not sure if inositol is working- but I keep taking it. I have felt less panicky and overwhelmed for sure. But it could be a combination of things, including the inositol. I am not going to stop taking it and am going to try to increase the dose as per the instructions/directions in that other post in the meds section. I have explained more below. I am quite babbly right now, so that's why I did a summary paragraph. God- it is so great to be able to just vent this csp stuff here. I think that is part of what is helping me to feel better too.

Inositol- well I keep on taking it, I guess it's been about a week and a couple of days. I have done so many things in the past few weeks out of desperation that it makes it difficult to know what is contributing to any improvement I might have. I have also felt more calm at work, and less anxiety in getting things done.

I know the biggest most obvious helpful thing for skin picking so far is the mirrors- taking them down. Because as soon as I sit down to do my makeup with the mirror, I get up close and scroll my skin with my fingers. And usually pick. However, I don't pick as much as I usually do (although I did have a good approx. 40 minute session today. but because it is generally so much better, I try not to beat myself up and just be positive. Argggh.)

I do feel generally happier- I am not sure whether the inositol relieves some of my anxiety and improves my mood (along with my cherished antidepressant). But I have also been working out frequently -hired a trainer at my gym- can I just say that any budgeting has completely gone OUT THE WINDOW. I was a lost cause getting to the gym myself. And the prospect of getting into a wedding dress has gotten me motivated to deal with a lot of stuff like I never have before.

And last night I bought a couple of books online about OCD (even though I am not diagnosed with ocd, I think it's no big surprise to anyone reading this that I obviously have some behaviours that are on the spectrum- ha ha). They are both by Fred Penzel- one of them is about dealing with ocd and the other is the trichillotomania (sp?) book (since trich and csp are supposedly freakily similar).

That's it for me right now.
Me and the big zit on my cheek are signing off right now (it deserves special mention since it is really it's own entity),

K

PS and yes, I picked it.

[running2stndstill]

So today I went to my biweekly checkin with my psychiatrist. He's the one that doesn't seem to get my csp, and doesn't see what is possibly satisfying about squeezing a zit. Anyways, I talked to him about it today, and it went fine! He was surprised (he said "you still do that?") Well, duh, these scabs on my face that periodically are everywhere. So anyways, I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, and he wants me to monitor my stuff for the next two weeks and bring it back to him. So nothing earthshattering. It was good just to be honest about it. And he didn't look at me like I was a complete freak of nature.

So, I haven't picked today. So tempted, but I was running late so I just pushed on through the temptation. And I had a lot of scabs left from this weekend, and they were super hard and impossible to cover up. Soon, they'll be gone, right?

Off to bed. No picking!!!

[running2stndstill]

Today I got the Hair Pulling Problem book in the mail. That was fast! I have just delved into it a little bit, and see lots of similarities so far.

I picked briefly this morning- it started as a little innocent healing zit- you know- the scab came off and underneath there is a little visible whitehead. So out that had to come, then I scrolled and squeezed a few more, but was slow and conscious (know what I mean?) then I started to go faster and look everywhere, and then I just took a deep breath, didn't even get up to wash my face, but proceeded with my makeup routine. And got through it. Yay.

I looked at my face in the mirror at work and I see these comedones and have this strange inner sensation- this intense desire to rid my forehead of these disgusting pus filled monsters. But resisting. It felt like my inner body was pushing out against the skin.

Well, I am going to take the dog out, and then do more work. I know, sounds like procrastination. But I have to take the dog before it gets dark.
Does anyone else struggle with these kinds of things, too?

-K

[ameise guest]

Hi K -

thanks for your post in my journal -- it is amazingly Nice to be able to share both the good times and the struggles...

I don't think one besides fellow pickers could really understand what an accomplishment it can be not to do this activity which is seems obvious that one should "just stop doing"..

in response to your last post, I definitely struggle at times with distractedness/ procrastination, and particularly with perfectionism preventing me from really just getting things done, because of my fears that they won't be good enough...

but, of course, there are also the good sides of that perfectionism: thoroughness, attention to detail (haha)

anyway, again, thanks for letting me know you are following my CSP journey -- I'm following yours, too.


It sounds like you have some really good, valuable occasions of stepping back and not getting sucked into the full ritual/ picking mode. That is great.

sending you good luck & strength.

amiese

[running2stndstill]

Thank you Ameise, for your thoughtful post.

Ah, the joys of perfectionism. In addition to looking up books on obsessive-compulsive behaviors, perfectionism is another one of my favorites. I get into these cycles of buying self-help books and believing that they will provide me with some great insight into my frickety f#$@ed up life. Although, on the outside you might not know it (besides my usual scabs from csp). And frequently after reading the books, I end up perhaps having some new insight, sure, but often recognizing that I had it in me in the first place. Are self-help books another procrastination technique? Another perfectionistic tendency where I believe someone out there knows what is better for me than I do?

I often know when I am doing something I "shouldn't", such as veering off to just check out the latest in a store, instead of going to the office right away to finish off a report. Saying I'll definitely do it later, and often not doing it. Then feeling soooooooo guilty. And embarassed. Ooohhh- sound just like csp. Can you say IMPULSE CONTROL problem?

Okay, that's enough blathering for this evening.
Re: picking- picked this morning, but not too much. Still, it's that slippery slope. But I got through and got to work- haven't done too much damage.

Goodnight.
-K

[running2stndstill]

Thursday, not so good. It started badly- with a few picks where I didn't even try or think about trying to resist the urge. Then stopped, then sat down to do makeup and started. Put on first bit of makeup, then picked again. I had to wash my face twice. And then my face looked like crap today. Not the worst by any means, I just went in a little bit late, but not too much. It wasn't one of those mornings where I had to wait for too long for the swelling/redness to go down.

Came home from work, and the mirror is back up in the hallway, and so looked in, saw one of the lovely infecteds from this morning and picked, then four more.

Grrrrr. Looks like shit now.

Back on the wagon, okay. Bad day.

I just got the second book, Obsessive Compulsive Disorders- a complete guide to getting well and staying well, by Fred Penzel. It has specific info on csp. Really like his style of writing- very compassionate and kind. Not too clinical.

He says that there tends to be two types of csp- one that is more similar to TTM (hair pulling) where it is more automatic, and another that is more related to appearance and perceived imperfections that one tries to resolve.

I can't quite figure out which I am. I think it often starts out as an appearance thing, but it becomes a more automatic behavior where I just start scanning and squeezing. I even find myself sometimes fixated on others blemishes, wondering how they can not squeeze them, or wanting to do it for them (obviously I never would! Unless it was my boyfriend/fiancee- but I have told him no matter how much I want to, not to let me. And sometimes I BEG.) So it can be that big build up of anxiety where I just want to squeeze it to get the tension out. And when I don't pick I feel more anxious.

He thinks habit reversal training is the way to go right now for csp. It is about four steps:
1. focusing on developing awareness of the habit itself.
2. teaching self-relaxation
3. diaphragmatic breathing
4. muscle tensing action

I think I pretty much have a good awareness of the habit.
It tends to occur mostly in private, in front of the mirror, primarily following washing my face and putting on makeup, but can be at any time in the washroom. Always preceded by getting up close to the mirror for an inspection.

He says it takes considerable commitment to work on reversing this habit, which makes sense. I like his inspirational quotes. I'll finish off with a few:

"There is nothing which persevering effort and unceasing and diligent care cannot overcome." -Seneca

"Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs one step at a time."
-Mark Twain

"Habit is overcome by habit."
-Thomas a Kempis, c. 1420

Goodnight. xoxo
Wishing all of us strength and courage to get through another day, closer to our goals.

[running2stndstill]

It is sunday evening, and picking has been okay this weekend. My fiance went away last night and today, and that is usually cause for a private pickathon, but I left the mirrors down and was okay. Big victory for me!

I had my family over for Mother's day today, and they're gone now, mirrors are still up, so I squeezed a few- just approx 3. And walked away. The ones I picked a few days ago are healing up well. I hope I can keep the picking low for when I go to the derm this week (thurs I think). I really want him to see the untouched acne that drives me

Okay- just got up and went past the mirror. Of course I picked. Just about four or five, then washed the face, and went for it again, just a couple, then took the mirror down. Argh.

Going to take a bath and get to bed soon. I am trying to break down everything that needs to be done this week to not feel totally crazed and anxious about it.

Yum- just indulged in 2 bowls of ice cream left over from having guests today. I usually don't keep things like that in the house b/c I will eat the entire thing. So good.

Goodnight all.

[running2stndstill]

Well, I had to post b/c this has been a bad morning for me. One of those where the voice in my head is saying "What the fuck is wrong with you? why can't you just stop this? look what you've done. you look so fucking ugly now. you'll never be able to be successful at work or anything like this. never have a normal social life. never have normal friends." I am trying to just be strong and push past those thoughts, telling myself that imperfections are okay, and that I will continue to deal with this.

I didn't even try to resist this morning, also meaning that the urge was very strong, and I really wanted it. It's what happens to me when the skin is healing up. I get all of these nice closed comedones that are just ripe for a little squeeze. But then I repick- which is where it gets really dangerous, just to make sure everything is out. It's taken me over 100 minutes just to do my makeup this morning, including picking. I am really late for work- luckily that is not a big deal, I can work late, but it's so frustrating. And just to live with the feeling of extra self-consciousness today of the awareness that anyone can see what I did to myself.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit. Double shit.

-K

[hoppe]

K.

I am sorry about your bad morning.
Hoping the rest of the day will be better.

hoppe

[running2stndstill]

Hi Hoppe,

Thanks. Days like today I am superglad that this website exists. Otherwise I think I would explode. Just brimming with anxiety. Wondering why why why why. Trying not to wonder so much. Wondering what it is like not to feel like this, not to be me. Also got my period yesterday, so when I finally got my ass to work, guess who 1. didn't have an extra tampon and 2. leaked onto their poorly chosen light brown pants? (might I mention they are one of my fave dry clean only capris).
Oh- the correct answer is ME. But it wasn't bad enough to drive home.

Still, just FEEL so crap, hard to get anything done besides focus on my neuroticism. And I suppose the best thing to do would be to not focus on it. Hmmm.
Okay- action plan.

1. get down to work
2. get through the day
3. try to lift the lead weight off of my chest
4. love my dog who is so cute, she just came and put her bone on the keyboard

So forming a habit means that you strengthen neural pathways, which makes the actions related to that habit more automatic. So in essence, I want to activate those pathways as little as possible, and form other habits. So I think the best way for me is to
1. continue with the inositol (I think it does help, although I am not cured. which is half meant jokingly).
2. continue to keep mirrors down except mirror used for makeup- which is where the infraction occurred this morning.
3. Strategies to lessen chance of the occurrence in the morning: making myself super conscious and putting the logical reasons for not doing it in the forefront of my mind. So perhaps writing a journal entry in the morning prior to makeup would be a good idea. I'll try that tomorrow. And probably tonight too, since I am "vulnerable" right now. This all sounds quite funny in some ways. It is just so bizarre. Fuck.
I just wish I could hand it over and give it away. I know some would say to give it to god, but I am just not there. But I do feel like praying- please please take away this hideous habit I have- I want so much to have a life not marred by this behavior. I need to keep working on this. It is possible. It must be- because there is consciousness in the behavior. Right- b/c whenever there is awareness/consciousness (I know, they are not the same), there is choice. It can feel like there is not, but there is, I just have to widen that choice, and lessen the impulse. Increase my awareness and decrease the compulsion. Hmmm. What's the difference between a compulsion and an impulse?

Well, that's enough for now. I will try to forgive myself and not feel so ashamed and sorry for myself.

I feel better having debriefed here. Thanks for the support- just knowing you guys are out there is so reassuring.

-K

[ameise as guest]

Hi K -

I'm sorry your morning started off so poorly - I hope the day got better.

But I was glad to read that you are remembering that you are not the only one with this problem, not a "bad" person, it's just a problem we have, etc...

I also wanted to let you know that I've been enjoying your posts and insights on the board... so thank you for sharing.

best wishes, good luck,

ameise

[running2stndstill]

I have cod liver oil on my face (yummy smell) since it is supposed to help with healing. My face looks like shit from the picking this morning. And I picked again briefly this evg, just a couple. (I know, not good). And I am breaking out so badly right now- I don't know why. I'm sure frequently touching my oily fingers to my face doesn't really help.

I am too tired to worry about picking tonight. Tomorrow will be a different story as I will be super tired in the morning, which means easier to go into superpick mode. Will post prior to makeup in am.

So long to this joyous day. Thank the frickin lord it's over.
-K

[running2stndstill]

today is the end of thursday, and I am still dealing with the remnants/healing process of the damage i incurred on monday. Bad bad bad. I had a huge scab in the middle of my forehead, and when I was picking a few around it, it pushed the scab off, and it wasn't ready yet. So now I have this huge crater on my forehead, that I had to FILL with coverup. How gross, huh?

Oh- I went to the dermatologist yesterday. I actually told him that I picked and asked him if he knew anyone that dealt with that. He said he thinks that there are some people who pick their pimples, and others who don't, and I just happen to be a picker. He said it is a psychiatric condition when you pick for things that aren't there. Well, clearly he didn't have anyone to refer me to, and I wasn't going to bother to correct someone who thinks I am normal!

However, I don't agree with him regarding the picking- I do think that in many ways it is a normal behaviour, but not when it is out of control.
He gave me a prescription for clindoxl gel- I'll see how it goes. Next week I go for a salicylic acid peel. I really have to not pick before that one.

I have been finding it very hard not to pick b/c I am really breaking out. picked a little bit this morning again, as prev. mentioned. tuesday and wednesday wasn't too bad, but so embarassed about the damage from monday.

tired stressed, but trying to take it one day/hour at a time. but you should really see this huge crater on my forehead.

-K

[K not signed in]

already the clindoxyl seems to be helping. feel really shit about my face. always hoping not to run into anyone from my past bc I feel like my skin is so bad. Must get better. This morning really forced myself to be present in the moment and not pick.

watching sideways right now- pretty good.
goodnight for now.
-K

[ameise as guest]

Hi K-

I've been away from the boards for a while... I hope your skin is healing well.

I am familiar with craters that need to be filled...

My csp was probably the worst when I first started in my late teens... I remember once having a crater hole on my nose & having to leave for school & somehow coming to the conclusion that the best form of cover-up for it was this little ripped out circle of peach-colored toilet paper stuck on there (like the way one would stick that on a razor nick) except that I think I used a couple layers & what I thought was "good/ effective" about it was that it sort of brought the level of the hole up to the surface, filled it... and my method was to keep it slightly moist all the time because that made it slightly translucent and "less noticeable" -- the way I was using it as a filler really seems similar to the way you would use spackle on a wall.

I have looked back on that as a point that was sort of symbolic of me not knowing how crazy I was.... I mean, it is something that anyone could see from up close, but I was resigned to keep my distance enough from people that they wouldn't see that paper-fller, yet it was brought on by digging at something no one could see unless they were way up close... you know the story

anyway, I am not suggesting that your use of cover-up is comparable to that .... sometimes that's just what we have to do...

I just could relate to your frustrated emphasis on the word "filling" & wanted to share an example from the deeper depths of dealing with crater wounds

I'd like to end on a more positive note...

I am glad we are all growing more conscious of our relationship with the behavior & glad we can write to each other.

I hope your gel is working well, & that you're feeling strong and good luck.

Ameise