s daily babble

[running2stndstill]

Well, having been inspired and comforted by the others who chronicle their challenges and successes on here, I too thought I would join and add mine. I think it will be helpful to have a place to add to consistently and perhaps have others share in it as well.

I have recommitted several times this week, and am really struggling. I am trying the "12 steps" but after my last post to another forum, I went and picked even more. I have now done it so that I will be avoiding activities tonight, whereas I could have gone with some makeup an hour ago.

Off to the races....

[running2stndstill]

back from my meditation intake appointment, and they ask for your entire medical history, especially stress related etc. I of course avoided any talk of csp, but at the end when she asked me if there was anything else, I did say that I obsessed over my skin, and that I have mild/moderate acne but I make it a lot worse, and have difficulty letting it go. So that was my indirect way of admitting it.

Now I have to actually do work and make up for what I missed this morning while at the appointment, and while I was picking. So that's 1.5 hours wasted picking and covering it up. Crap. What a waste.

[hoppe]

Hi K

I am glad you could at least indirectly admit your picking to someone else. It must have been a big step for you. Next time you might be able to use the actual word, CSP. I think the day we stop hiding this from the world, we will be able to feel better about ourselves. And maybe we will meet a fellow picker, who will be grateful for our openess.

I just realized I feel connected to you, since my name starts with a K too. My name is Kathrin. Glad to meet you, K, whatever your name might be.

Hoping the remainder of your day was pick-free. Wishing you sunshine and peace in your heart.

hoppe

[running2stndstill]

thanks hoppe/kathrin. my name is katelyn. weird to say it online in this shroud of shame and secrecy that surrounds the csp. I wish I could be as bold as some that have posted pics and stuff, but I can't right now.

times like now, when csp is a big problem for me, I look at almost everyone I pass by on the street, in the store, and wonder what it is like to be normal and not worry about it, or inspect your skin closely every time you go by a mirror. and if everyone notices how bad my skin is, and that it is my own fault.

I just went out and bought inositol after reading a post in another part of the forum (meds/therapy). god, if anything will help me right now, I'll take it.

and I'm dreading going to bed when I have to wash off the makeup and will feel the urges. I guess the smart thing to do would be to go to bed at a reasonable hour (too late and the urges overtake me wayyyy too easily) and turn the light off!!!!

here's to hoping the next time I write, I will have positive news to report. So far, I haven't picked for 9 hours.

-K

[running2stndstill]

okay- you know what, I am pretty freaked out right now. I just did a literature search on csp on pub med, and it seems to be emerging as a psych disorder, which probably doesn't surprise many people here. But it makes me feel like it is more serious and more difficult to overcome. I'm afraid. I'm afraid it will take over even more of my life.

Okay- I know I can do this. right? there are people who have overcome this, right?

What do I do? 12 steps, inositol (I just had to take 11 tablets to make up one dose- and there are two doses per day to START with !!)

Okay- right now it is interfering moderately with my functioning. It probably takes up about an hour, possibly 2 per day. The time consuming aspect is often in the covering up, redoing the cover up, finding a new zit as I am covering up, etc. You know, I was on accutane, and during that time, my skin was so great that I picked almost never. Seriously. But when I stopped, it came back.

So I am going to do this, and I will do a combo of approaches. I have an extensive self-help book inventory, and I am going to get some ideas from there.

[running2stndstill]

for crap's sake, here I am again. can you tell i'm a little bit obsessive when I do something???

so, I am looking through my handy dandy books, and came up with some helpful hints which I will outline here:

From "When Perfect isn't good enough" by Antony & Swinson:

overcoming perfectionism associated with obsessive compulsive behavior:
Ritual Prevention
-exposure to feared situations combined with ritual prevention is the key to overcoming obsessions and compulsions
-rituals have a number of negative effects that serve to maintain the fearfulness of the obsession and are self-perpetuating; you must cut out the rituals before doing exposure exercises
-before you can begin to prevent your rituals, you will need to become aware of the specific rituals that you use and the situations and feelings that trigger them
-what type of repetitive behaviors do you engage in:
checking appearance in the mirror, SKIN PICKING (duh), running fingers over the skin, getting close to the mirror, looking for enlarged or clogged pores, telling myself "oh just this one", washing my face and rechecking the pores or picked zits

-what type of situations are you most likely to engage in these rituals?
in the bathroom or by any private mirror
in the morning or night
when bored/unscheduled time
when stressed and have a lot to accomplish
when I haven't picked for a while and there are some fresh juicy ones

so that's a place to start. i've just finished talking to my boyfriend about how I need to deal with this, and we're going to do something about moving the mirrors to get started.

I also realized I have other obsessive behaviors - the book was asking things such as spending more time making lists of things to get done than actually getting things done. That is totally me- I feel like I NEED to have everything just so to get working. But I also lack regular systems of maintaining things. Argggghhh...

My diagnoses are growing I fear. Isn't it funny how a diagnosis can be reassuring in one way, but alarming in another.

Must sleep now.

goodnight,
K

[hoppe]

Hi K.

Hope things are going well for you. And thank you for sharing your name. I know what you mean when you say CSP is surrounded by shame and secrecy. I wish that was different. But it won't change unless we change it. Which of course is easier said than done.

I am glad your boyfriend helps you in this. I hope the Inositol will help you too. Let us know how that goes.

Wishing you a good day!

hoppe

[running2stndstill]

thanks hoppe.
my boyfriend is so understanding (well, he doesn't quite get why I can't just stop it, but still) He doesn't turn and run the other way when I say this is in the ocd spectrum, it's not just a little annoying habit I have- it is really interfering in my (our) lives. I told him that I didn't go with him to a friend's on sunday for dinner because I was embarassed about my face. He had no idea. (I hadn't just picked, it was leftover scabs- don't you find they look worse a few days later when they are hard and dark?)

So I have now taken three doses of inositol, and after travelling to many different health food stores in the city, I finally found 2 bottles of inositol powder. Bathroom mirror is still down, and it is wonderful. I don't have to resist the usual urge everytime I wash my hands and glance in the mirror, b/c it's not there. I have one giganormous humongous zit on my face that I did squeeze this morning bc it was juicy (sorry for the gross description). It is huge! I actually put a bandaid on it, so was very self-conscious today.

I want to go for a run with the dog, but I am worried about how my skin will look. I guess the best thing to do is GO ANYWAYS (and skin always looks better after exercise). so my action plan is 1. go upstairs and change 2. wash and dry face (mirrorless) 3. apply minimal coverup 4. GO

Okay, here I go.
-K

[running2stndstill]

well, happy to report that I did it. Went for a run. No picking beforehand. It really helped to write it out here beforehand. I feel like a new person- I guess it really helps to push past it for me instead of staying in and saying "I'll wait until
a. I feel like it
b. my skin heals some more
c. I'll go in the morning instead
d. some other version of the above"

I guess it is pushing past those thoughts in my mind that say "i'm so fucked up" "see, you'll never get better, you just get worse" "your ex boyfriends were so right to break up with you" "you're so screwed up your boyfriend is going to see the REAL you".

And you know what else I did- I booked to go in for a facial on thursday, WITH EXTRACTIONS- that was a necessity (costs $10 more, but as far as I'm concerned, that's a bargain). Hopefully, they'll do a good job and it will rid me of some of the "impurities", both real and imagined.

I feel so self-centred writing like this ALL ABOUT ME, even though I wanted to start this as my online journal. Frick, I wish I weren't so self-conscious.

My friend is coming over for dinner in a half hour. My neurotic thoughts about this are that I'm afraid I will divulge my latest about csp and over-disclose. Know what I'm saying? She knows about it, and is so cool and understanding, but my low self-esteem leaves me always worrying about what she'll think.

Well, that's certainly enough rambling for now.

Thank god it's friday!!!!!

[running2stndstill]

well yesterday was okay with my friend. Didn't really talk about picking at all- but I did catch my face in a mirror and I looked pretty pale b.c of the makeup and just stress etc.

Today I went to a fitness class with the boyfriend and hardly had any makeup on. It was hard for me b/c there were several other girls in there with clear skin, and I had these lovely huge welts. Don't you love it when you're talking to someone and their gaze strays to them? I can't blame them, I would do the same, but inside I just want so badly for the picked spots to just go away. But the important part is that I went anyways, right?

I am relieved that we're not going anywhere tonight, so I don't have to worry about trying to look okay. I have kind of pressed/scraped on this hurting zit on my face and one on my forehead, and a whitehead on my chin. Not ZT, but much better than getting in front of the mirror in a trance-like situation.

I was cleaning out a bunch of shite that I never unpacked when I moved in here, and one box had my self help stuff, which had a book that I made for myself in one of my first serious attempts to get rid of picking. I had a pic in there of myself after I really went after my face, and one where I am pretty clear and having fun (birthday pic). My face hasn't been that clear for a while, and it's pretty sad. It's sad to think of all the days, which are more often than not, that I wish I won't see anyone I know from my past, or that I don't have to go out of the house b/c I have picked. Even to go to the local starbucks is sometimes out of the question. I HATE THAT.

I am also trying to do the 12 steps thing, but I find myself a little embarassed to write that here. WTF? Honestly, it's fairly anonymous but I still worry about what other people think.
But I'm just going to put it all out there. I figure it's now or never, and I want to be as straight up as possible.

Okay- so today is pretty good so far. The big monsters are healing, and as long as I get to bed without picking, I'll be okay.

[running2stndstill]

it has been a busy day- but a good one. It is amazing how I feel so different and confident when I haven't been picking.

didn't pick when getting ready, either. Said affirmations/prayer in shower this am for the 12 steps- I still have to work on listing all of my resentments etc. (oh there are sooo many!!)

This week will be harder since I am at home alone quite a bit and there are many more temptations.

bye for now

[running2stndstill]

so it started last night, when I was walking upstairs and stopped oh so briefly to glance in the hallway mirror, looked a little closer at my forehead, oh, just this one- I'm going for a facial anyways, and she's going to pop them, I just want this one.. and then I did it for just about 4-5 minutes. Still- I had been really good, and then in my mind I was saying " stop it now- you know you should" but I didn't for several minutes. Relatively speaking this was nothing, but it's the slippery slope.

And then tonight when I got back from a friend's bday dinner, I just went for it for about 20 minutes. Pretty much making some nice marks. And getting close enough to that scary point where I start to say- you've gone this far and fucked it up, just keep going. Make it even.
So now I've washed my face and slathered the zit cream on. I'm going to bed and continuing on tomorrow. I have felt so much better the past few days with little to no picking. If I can do it for these short periods, I know I can make this a bigger more long term change.

God, it's frustrating.
-K

[myself not signed in]

today I went for a facial. The aesthetician, whom I had never met before, was fantastic. She was totally understanding of the csp thing, (I wouldnt' have told her if I didn't feel it was "safe"). Anyways, she told me that a regular facial with extractions is not the best b/c extractions can be damaging, and what she would recommend for me would be salicylic acid peels, because these can really help the skin to improve, and purge it of the blackheads and stuff. So today we started with a glycolic peel and I go back in three weeks for a 20% salicylic peel. She said the most important stuff is what I do in between. She didn't try to sell me anything, I totally felt a good connection with her. It wasn't just 60 minutes of someone slathering crap on and steaming your face. (which can be quite enjoyable, but not really beneficial for any long term results).

so now my face feels great, and I walked down a really popular street in toronto with no makeup on, dark pigmented scar marks showing and everything. It was pretty good for me.

I am going to take down the mirrors and try again for closer to ZT behavior!

-K

[too lazy to sign in again]

so what do you think I did this morning- putting on my makeup, and did the scroll with my fingertips super close to the mirror. There should be a barrier to prevent me from getting too close to it. Grrrrr. I didn't go for too long but long enough that I redamaged some healing areas.

And tonight I did go out for a run with no makeup on, but came back and picked in the hallway mirror for about 5 minutes. Had the voice in my head saying "don't do this, stop now" and so I did after one more. That's really good for me. And then I took down the hallway mirror, too. It is actually really nice not having mirrors to look in all the time.

I guess part of me just wanted to go get a regime from the esthetician to solve all my skin problems. Hahahahaha. I have a derm appointment next week so I'll see how that goes, and what I tell him about csp. Probably not too much, unless he mentions it, besides that I "tend to squeeze my zits". He's really old school, and probably wouldn't get it. And I don't think he really needs to know, although I'm sure others would disagree with me.

That's it for now. Another day.

-K

[hoppe]

K. - Thank you for your kind words in my journal.

I was wondering how things are going with the inositol?

Wishing you a sunny day and lots of inner peace.

hoppe