Still Trying's journal

[stilltrying]

Things are still going well! I went out sleeveless when my Mom was here, that's how good my skin is from not picking after the peels. I'm really pleased. Not that I didn't have to resist the bedside light and the sun several times, but by just tossing on a tank top when it was warm, and when my Mom was around, I was sure not to pick.

I just can't believe how normal it feels. I wear a tshirt and never have to pull it down to hide a sore or scab (a lot of them, usually). I just have skin that' looks ok. I'm still adjusting! I try to notice and think major positive thoughts. I am much less tempted to look (I really do NOT want to pick, and looking just means I'm bound to find something).

I so deserve my salt glow massage next weekend!

Having this forum to write this down and track progress (with dates! and comments! and support!) has helped so much. I can see how far I have come. I wanted to quit and I feel I mostly have. I plan to do something each year mid-Feb to mark those peels, and to keep on top of my skin in case I start getting too many bumps.

stilltrying

PS, ok well I did pick my upper legs, but just a tiny bit. Generally if there is something obvious that would pick well, I'll pick it on my legs. But if I don't see a popable bump with a quick look, that's ok and I do something else. I have no idea what is 'normal' and I know normal people pick a few things from time to time, so I'm ok with that, just no pick fest on the back of the calf standing next to the bed with the light on. *shakes head* What was I thinking, doing stuff like that?!

[ameise as guest]

Hi Still Trying -

I am so glad to read that things are going so well, and that you are maintaining that reasonable state of mind from which shining bright light on bumps seems like a big waste of time, etc....

ameise

[stilltrying]

Thanks ameise! It's definitely true that when it comes to looking I don't even want to go there! And I don't. It's not just a waste of time. It's *dangerous* to me. I won't do 12 steps (atheist, can't get over the higher power bit), but I identify with ex-alchoholics who don't drink anything at all anymore. I'm like that. I can see the slope back down -- heck I did it 4 years ago. Having regained my skin -- really regained it completely -- and then losing that will always be in the background. That makes it easier to control any outbreak and more likely I can not get started in the first place.

I sure hate having the bumps and I do miss popping them.

Now that I'm here, I have some serious weight to lose. No way I could do both of these at the same time. Almond croissants were a wonderful distraction! :-)

stilltrying

[shihui]

stilltrying! it's so wonderful to hear that you're doing superbly well! i understand what you mean by missing popping bumps. i have had some good days in a row before and i had actually missed popping them. actually that's what makes me hesitant about stopping...but i still wish that i can be like you soon enough. good luck with your plan to lose weight! if you can overcome such a serious obsession, i'm sure anything else is possible.

[stilltrying]

Just a quick update. Things are still going well. I did pick my legs and I'm very displeased at how they look. Scabs everywhere. Ick! I also picked two things on my right shoulder but they don't look too bad. There are so many things I could pick. Millions. I had one thing between two fingernails and instead of picking it I thought about what would happen next. Ok, it would pop out, great, then it would bleed, scab, scar and I would notice a white bump under the scar that I would have to dig to get out. What's the point of that? It's guaranteed failure. (Honestly, sometimes they work out just fine, but I'm trying to focus on the negatives of picking here.)

So that moment passed and in the car I'm much better about two hands on the wheel to keep me from looking and feeling my skin. My focus right now is positive reinforcement. How good I'm doing, how good things looks. I can stop after picking one thing and completely freak out. Which is good! Really! Ok, not that something did get picked but that I can stop the trance, just step out and say, whoa, we aren't going there. Then I run through all these positive thoughts. I went to a craft faire in a sleeveless shirt and then talked to neighbors wearing it. Neighbors! And no one looked at me funny.

I did notice that posting here/reading here made me tempted to pick. Sometimes putting it all down wasn't the best, because it made me miss picking too much. The positives rundown is so helpful though and posting about it should be ok.

Anyway, I'm so determined! I can't believe it's been since February. Wow. I feel pretty certain I can make it through summer ok.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

It's been several months but I wanted to check in. I had a low point in there where I had one of my old style pick fests. Not too much damage luckily and within a week it looked ok even if I could feel scabs when I ran my hands over my arms.

I started using salicylic acid treatments again. They have made my skin feel much more smooth but damn if it isn't making every possible hair come out in a bump! Gah. Once again I have a watcher, like the ingrown hair I had on my left bicep so many months ago. It's red, ugly, has an obvious ingrown hair and though I look at it way too much I can leave it alone. I left the other one alone, after all. I hope I can make it a little longer this time. We'll see. It's SO UGLY.

I'm glad the rest of my skin looks so good. Truly I'm pleased that I'm doing well. Once it's fall and I'm in long sleeves, I can't wait to see how well things go. With me looking at them less often, even if they still take bloody forever to clear up, it'll seem less long.

That's the update! I'll be checking other people's diaries tonight. Right now it's sunny and I'm working from home. I would rather come here and vent about the ugly bumps I have (that no one else can see, of course, because I have to peer THIS CLOSE to see them myself ) than go wild with the sun highlighting everything.

stilltrying