Still Trying's journal

[stilltrying]

I posted over on ideas for quitting and one that seems to help people is posting here. I'm not sure I can go 100% no pick, but I can not pick my arms, and that's the area that I go after. My goal is ZT for them.

I just had a TCA peel on both of my upper arms. The doctor was good and covered all the areas that were uneven. I'm still amazed that they never figure it out. I mean, come on, keratosis pilaris doesn't give you *scabs* and scars and raised or discolored areas! But, I just wanted it done and now my skin is quite red and I know it will start to peel next week.

I was really good last week, and went into the peel with very little picking done. I'm hoping that this time off I can use to reflect on how to stop.

I mean, ok, I don't WANT to pick other areas either! I don't want to *like* picking and I just hate feeling so good after making all these bumps go bang and pop. I'm hoping that if I can step back from this all and look at my skin as normal, that I can approach it normally. But why oh why do I have this .. stuff .. under my skin! Why can't it just all go away!

It's really an urge, that I can be in the kitchen doing something and I'll just get this need to go to the bedroom (bright bedside lamp, sigh) and pick. I'll be overwhelmed by this need to go pick.

I'm thinking now about some way to get that calm release that came with a pick fest. Something mindless that uses my hands and has release in it and is a little repetative. I tried knotting those 'friendship' bracelets but it took too much thinking! (I'm not coordinated enough to do them I guess:) Something like cracking open pistacios, except not food because I don't just want to start another bad habit like eating too much!

Well, here goes.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

Well, it's been easy not to pick my arms because they are starting to peel. So far the rest of me has been ok too. Winter is easier a lot of times, because I'm wearing long sleeves and jeans, so as long as I'm careful about that moment getting into bed, I'm ok.

There's an area on one arm that doesn't look as peeling as the rest, and it's an area where I have some scars and some active bumps. I was looking at them and feeling a little pissed the dermotologist missed it (but I have to admit I was dishonest and told them I wanted this for the bumps when I really wanted it to even out the skin tone and knock out the scarring). Then I started to think that the peel would still probably take out those particular bumps.

The more I thought about that the more I decided that as long as SOMETHING gets these bumps out, that's ok. I don't know if I can stick to that, but I know for sure that 2% salicylic acid, if used daily and combined with salt scrubs, will keep the bumps away. Right now since I can't pick a thing, I'm mentally going over this a lot. As long as something gets the bumps out, it's ok. It make take a little while longer than the instant gratification of picking (and, vent here, does my body really need to give me such positive feedback! Stuff would POP right out -- why would I want that stuff inside my skin? Argh!).

I also have to stop looking over my arms. I can peer closely at my face and pass over everything. But my arms, woo boy, give me a second in the sun and in private and it's all over. I'm hopeful that this will jump start me into positive habits (not looking, beneficial treatments) and give me nice looking skin so I can focus on how nice it looks.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

I can't quite say pickfree because last night I did pick one or two things on my upper thigh. They were small though and kept me away from my arms, which is the thing that I'm focused on and the main area I pick at.

I CAN say I have not picked my arms. There is a bump on my right arm though, right at the inner elbow, just about where the bump was oh so long ago when I had my first chemical peel. I still remember popping it in the sunshine of a skylight in a bathroom and how upset I was. Upset that I would still have bumps after the peel (now I know and I'm working hard at dealing with the fact I will always have bumps, and how to minimize them and leave them alone). And upset at how good it felt to see all that stuff pop out. Gah, it's horrible.

I don't want to do this anymore! I just don't have the time and I hate that I get this urge, this need.

Well, ok, I'm not doing it! All the skin has peeled though, and that means now's the time I have to be extra careful to keep away. It sure looks good though and I'm hopeful I can do this.

I set a date of Mother's Day (I have two kids) and I get a salt scrub if I'm pickfree on my upper arms. The salt scrub is so nice! It helps exfoliate and I get a massage. :-)

I think I can make it and I'll be sure to keep checking up in here.

[stilltrying]

This is going to turn into the 'that damn one bump' and when it goes away. I'm certain it will. May it be sooner rather than later.

But it sure hasn't yet! I caught myself twice while driving today, starting the behavior where I pull back my sleeve and start feeling along for a bump. I stopped though and told myself I don't do that anymore, look how good it looks and for crying out loud, they are these little bitty things, get over it.

Huh. It was still hard. I'm starting to dread the warmer weather. When I have long sleeves on, it is enough of an effort I can get the urge under control/distracted before I do something stupid, but the whole point of this exercise is that I can wear tank tops. How's that for being stuck.

I hadn't realized how bad stop lights and driving had been, that I picked a lot then because I would use the sun to see the bumps and stuff (if I can't see it easily it isn't worth it for me).

Please, does anyone have ideas of alternates in the car? I'm thinking about one of those 'stress balls' that you can squeeze, and just shredding tissue if I have to. But I need ideas here!

So far so good. I'm pretty tired and I have to be careful to shut off the nightstand light before getting into bed.

strilltrying

[stilltrying]

I have a set of mantras now that I have found very helpful. They are the sorts of things I would tell myself WHILE picking, doing no good. But I'm hyper aware now and I so do not want to pick, so I'm hammering myself with them at the slightest urge.

'I don't do that anymore'

'That's just (normal) skin'

'Go do something else'

Really those are it. Partly I'm very aware of my triggers, so if I'm going to be even close to one, I start with the 'I don't do that anymore'. I'm home with a nasty cold today and part of my posting is that home alone used to mean total pick fest. I'm not going to pick ANYTHING today.

stilltrying

[shihui]

hi stilltrying! wishing you all the best with the mantras. hope they work out for you. maybe you can chant them while doing the ken's exercise. have you heard abt it? i've heard of a few positive results from other members here but have never really tried it myself. i just keep procrastinating the day to really start it

[stilltrying]

Thanks Shihui, I don' t know much about Ken's thing. I'll check it out though.

I can't quite call yesterday ZT because I picked my forearms, though it's still ZT on my upper arms. It wasn't any good, anyway, because one of the reasons I picked was that I got stuff out, and the small bumps on my forearms didn't have much. That's ok though, the more I stop easily and can use the mantras, the better I am if I ever slip up on my upper arms. I was happy afterwards that I could go over and over in my head what I did NOT do -- I didn't pick anything on my upper arms. The four marks on my forearm are small today and only a little red, so I'm also reminding myself that I stopped and it wasn't worth it anyway.

It's been almost a month since the peel and I did a little salt scrub this morning. Things seem very smooth (and I'm not looking too close!). ;D

It's March 10 now. In April is a plant sale I want to go to, so no picking ANYTHING until then. Then May is Mother's Day and dh will get me a massage/salt scrub and then it will be June and the baby starts swim classes in June (and we'll take my older son to the pool too).

Having these guideposts helps a lot. They aren't quite frequent enough, or at least I'm still worried they aren't! I'm seeing what I can do every two weeks that bares my upper arms and gives me motivation to leave them alone. It being warm enough might do if I get out of the house on the weekends with a tank top or something like that.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

Another update. I was late picking up my son after his afterschool enrichment class -- like I left for the school that's 15 minutes away at the time when I should have been there.

So I'm in a panic (he was fine, hung out on the playground with the teacher and some other kids from the class) and of course all the lights are red. And it's sunny. Can you say super pick urge time? I had just posted this morning so I gripped the wheel tight and muttered 'ZT' a whole bunch. I didn't even let myself look.

And, I didn't pick at all! ;D

There's some hope here.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

Wow, I had the peel done one month ago. While I haven't been exactly pick free elsewhere, my upper arms I have NOT PICKED. I just can't believe this. Usually when I have gone this long, it was for a specific event and then I knew the bumps I could see I would be able to pick afterwards.

There is no afterwards.

I have a white bump on each arm though (I know, I know I shouldn't even look). I was thinking that it would take 3 seconds, tops, and I would have that white bump out. 3 seconds and it would be out and I would so enjoy it.

That was one thing that made quitting so hard in the past. Also why I still pick a few small things here and there. I *like* it. I really do. I would want to quit but I really wanted to keep doing it.

Now, no matter how much I want to do it, and how much I would enjoy (sigh) picking, I won't.

I can enjoy other things. Certainly I have a sense of being more tense because I haven't picked like I used to. Even when I do one or two somewhere else, it doesn't relieve that urge the same way and so it's still lurking in the background somewhere.

April 9 is my next milestone. It still isn't that I get to pick after that (I'm not picking again, nope, I am not!!). It's just that I can look forward to that and focus on how I want to be able to look good and feel good there.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

Well, here I am. I haven't picked my arms still though last week I saw a bump that looked like I could scratch it off. Scratch, scratch and it didn't come out. I should have stopped then but I kept scratching and some stuff did come out. Now it's a little red. I hate how it looks and completely freaked out.

I'm still feeling the urge to pick, especially right now because the baby is sleeping and I'm home by myself. This used to be prime picking time. Prime. Now I am chanting 'I don't do that anymore'!

The little red spot from where I scratched out a bump is something I'm holding over myself. It looks bad (not terrible or anything - I would still wear a tank top it if wasn't raining and all). So though there are two BIG bumps on my left arm (BIG! It's like a pain in me to leave them there) any time I even think about them I immediately start in that no matter how much I would enjoy popping them (oh god how I would enjoy that) I will not.

That's been the key right now. I always wanted to quit but I always also enjoyed popping things. I did. I really liked it. Now, even though ok I do still like it, I am not going to let myself do it. Three seconds and a bit of enjoyment is NOT worth ruining what I have now. It isn't worth it.

I am ever so thankful for chocolate! Good thing I have been exercising, too.

stilltrying .. and getting somewhere I think!

[stilltrying]

I've been home during the day with the baby and went a whole morning (including a nap -- the baby, not me) and I didn't even THINK to pick. I'm pleased about that, though of course I think about it all the rest of the time. Sigh.

Still no picking, which is great. No upper arm picking I mean. I have picked a little here and there but nothing that would keep me from, say, wearing shorts. If it was warm, which is isn't.

This big whitehead/white bump on my left arm is infuriating though! When will it go away? I know that it will and when it does I can remember that forever when I feel the urge to pick. I have never, ever left one to go on its own when it was this big. This this is HUGE! Well, ok, it's normal sized for these kinds of things but huge to me. Actually I have never let any bump go away on its own.

I will have to stop picking other areas soon. Right now, once I can get stabilized with my arms I think I can focus on other areas. I used to pick my lower legs, the fronts of my calf where I got ingrown hairs. I don't anymore, but if something appears where I know I can pop stuff out, I do. It is maybe a little red and this comes up maybe once a month (not on a pattern, just about that often).

This board has been amazing! I never had a place like this where I could talk about what it feels like and what's going on. I even told my husband last night that I was acting a little weird because I didn't want to be alone reading with the bedside lamp because I used to pick there. He has always said he didn't care, and I believe him. I also believe he has been really happy that my arms are so nice and smooth.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

Another 4 days. That one white bump is still on my left bicep, taunting me. I am still leaving it alone. The one on my right arm where I scratched it has scabbed and anytime I'm tempted I think about how it was fine before I fcked with it. I have lots of little bumps I can feel if I run my hands over my arms. I, um, try not to run my hands over my arms!

I'm at the point now, the point I have been to over and over and over again. I get here being ZT for a while (this has been the longest I think). Then I pick and it is all over.

I am NOT going to get back into that cycle. I don't pick my arms anymore. It makes me think of Groundhog Day, this cycle of stopping, seeing 'just one' and then getting sucked into my arms looking terrible.

I feel I'm at a real cusp, at a point where I can jump back in and pick that bump on my left arm (I have in fact daydreamed about doing so, that's how whacked I am ... ). It's just 3 seconds away from happening. Instead I'm posting here. I reminded myself of all my little mantras, washed my arms and put on BP/moisturizer and plan to go work in my yard.

I do have to fess up that right under my knee area, I had a bump that I popped Thursday. It was ... nice. Sad to say. Still, I can do that and stop whereas I never could stop with my arms. I'll just have to salt scrub my legs, upper thigh and knees especially. I went out and bought even more salt scrub. I don't know if it really helps or not, but it makes me feel better and the peppermint/rosemary smells delightful in the shower.

still trying

[stilltrying]

I picked two things on my right forearm (seems like so little but I was *this* *close* to saying to hell with it all and picking every single last bump on my arms...).

I now can confirm I really do like picking, that the stuff is the same and that I have got to stop doing this! I picked my legs last night (I found out today I can attribute it to PMS, for all that does for me). They do NOT look good. Instead of trying to only do real bumps I went wild.

I am now ZT for my ARMS. The whole kit and caboodle (where did that come from anyway, that phrase?). NO more picking my arms, top or bottom. I am just praying to whatever it out there that the big honkin' white bump on my left bicep goes away soon. SOON.

Amazing how worked up I can get over two bumps popped when I used to do so many. Well, I guess it's a good thing. I didn't get a chance to shower this morning, so I'll take a long hot one tonight and salt scrub everything.

stilltrying *sigh*

[shihui]

stilltrying, i've yet to thank you for all your wonderful encouragements in my journal. well, thank you, and i want you to know that i support you too! i hope that your ZT for arms is carrying on fine. update on us about your progress soon, okay?

[stilltrying]

I broke down and picked something today on my right arm (oddly not the huge thing on my left arm). One thing but it still breaks the nothing picked plan. I guess I knew I would pick something someday, I mean normal people do and all. This was a case of seeing a bit of white stuff, scratching (sound familiar?), not getting it and then boom, in go the fingernails and out pops lots of stuff.

AAARGH!

However, I will focus on the positive -- I stopped. I did it, stopped and felt AWFUL. I should have seen this coming when I popped the two on my forearm, that I was having trouble with keeping myself controlled. I want to focus on that. Phew, right? I caught myself in time and need to refocus and get myself back on track.

I do not want to pick my arms.

I will ignore the bumps on my arms, and the stuff in them.

My skin looks really really really good. That's because I have NOT picked it.

These things will come out on their own. (Of course, what set me off was that very occurrence! I'm just not a patient woman.)

I want my skin to continue to look good for my April 10 outing to a plant sale, and I want to wear a sleeveless shirt then, so I must not pick then, or afterwards of course. Then, I'm getting an hour long salt scrub/massage for Mother's Day and I do not want to pick before then. Or afterwards, or EVER.

stilltrying