Still Trying's journal

[ameise as guest]

Hi Still Trying,

I just wanted you to know that everytime I read your journal I m impressed by how well you are doing... I wish you continued success.


It seems like you are very honest with yourself & aware of both
-how you like to pick, find it satisfying
and
- how not picking makes your skin look good, and that is more important to you...

it seems like your clarity about those things is helping you keep your priorities straight & helping you choose not to pick, or to stop, more often than not.

I want to say "Good job," although it sounds kind of funny to me as not-picking praise...

best wishes,

ameise

[stilltrying]

Thanks for your support! After making it through that first month so easily, I forgot how this is ongoing.

I try to be aware but triggers and old behaviors have been around for a long long time.

What I started to do was use my teeth brushing time to go over things because, especially at night, right afterwards is when the urge is really strong. I also had nothing in place to help me at work. I came up with many reminders that I can use to stop myself when I'm there.

The good job is welcome. It's hard work to keep on top of these feelings! What I think I did NOT do that led to picking my arm two days ago, is that I wasn't working at keeping that awareness going.

On the one hand, I just want to forget about it all -- forget about picking, forget about looking at my skin, forget about the bumps.

I can't. I can't just pretend it will go away, that I have not done this for decades (I'm so embarrassed that I'm *this* *old* and still picking!!). I have to think about not doing it for some time to get a handle on the situation. I have to beat back the urge, catch it before it overwhelms me, for a while until that's the habit, replacing the old habit where oh, a bump, pick pick pick.

Thanks again! I really appreciate the feedback. One more week to my payback trip. I sure hope it is super sunny and warm! I do want to credit myself that I have been a lot better in the sun. (all that recent picking wasn't even in the sun.) I get the urge to pick -- it was always the best time for it to really see what went on -- and I redirect myself to enjoying the sun, enjoying the time, that the sun has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SKIN. No need to look, feel or think about my arms. Then I direct myself to think about something else.

The one on my right arm that I picked looks awful. I do still see scars on other areas, despite the peel. They do not look as bad as the scabbed red area. The ones on my forearm, sure, they aren't bumps anymore but they have that tell-tale pattern of a scabbed circle and scabbed lines where my fingernails went. Ugly.

Nevertheless, they will be healed up by the 10th and, this is hard to say, but I should start saying it: I would rather have bumps than skin looking like that. Is that really true? Hm. Um, no. Maybe?

If I repeat it enough, will I come to be comfortable with the situation and start to believe it? Yes.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

It's raining right now and most likely will rain next weekend. Damn. I had wanted so much to get out in a sleeveless something (not to mention I want it to be warm again!).

Aside from that I was very tempted today but I stopped, chastized myself and repeated that I don't pick anymore. I feel sad about that now sometimes, and I need to keep ahead of these feelings. I mean, I don't want to end up picking because I came to it from a direction I didn't expect. Like that one on my arm where I was scratching and just BAM picked. So stupid. Any time I even think about looking or touching my arms, I have to go through my mantras first. And my new one -- I'm ok with the bumps; they are better than picking.

I don't think I'm depressed or anything, just feeling sad because I'm not doing something I liked. The fact that it was a self-desctructive something that caused scarring and wounding, well, I gloss over that when I think back to the picking.

Having just one in a field of otherwise pretty good skin shows me how damaging picking really is. It's still a little red! Even now, and plus it's scabbed and somewhat raised. I could never tell since I usually picked tons of stuff at a time, and plus they were just adding to all the half healed picked spots from the prior session.

So here's to another day not picking. I hope I get used to the bumps instead of always hating them and wanting to pick them. I have two on my shoulder that are BIG. Not big and white like the nasty thing on my left arm, but lumpy bumps, you know? Clearly stuff under there.

Here's to exfoliation scrubs and benzoil peroxide.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

I was THIS CLOSE.

Another one yielded to gentle scraping with my fingernail and that's what almost set me off. Knowing and seeing the white stuff and that a hair was trapped in there. But it's hard not to do this when I can get SOMETHING out without actually digging in with my fingernails.

I hate this white thing on my left arm. Hate it hate it hate it. Oh I hope to everything that my skin will not get covered in stuff like that bump. I would not be able to bear it.

I couldn't wait to get home tonight and wash. Just soap and water. Well, a little scrub with the towel too. It felt good to get clean.

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

I finally did the gentle scratching technique and got the bump (and long curled up hair, sigh) out on my left arm.

I hope no one minds so much talk about bumps and picking for a ZT journal! I felt pretty calm about it because it was clearly ready and I think anyone normal would have done something. I felt no desire to do anything else, and I think it will look fine this weekend too.

Oddly, now that this super hyper freaky ugly thing is out (did I mention that it was bothering me?) I am way more laid back about little old bumps. I mean, they don't have anything on this thing. I don't like them very much but they aren't so bad.

stilltrying

(I'll call it ZT because I didn't dig-in-with-fingernails pick, but just gently scratched and then as soon as it was released I backed off and left it)

[stilltrying]

Woohoo! I wore a tank top to the plant sale (and spent $80! ;D ). I think my arms looked fine.

In the car while waiting though, boom, I picked something and starting looking at my arms in that hungry 'I can pick ALL of these' way. I stopped and looked at the one I picked (stupid stupid!) which was small and insignificant in terms of overall how my arms looked. It would be ok because nothing else was picked and it looked so smooth and even, despite all the bumps it really had.

That calmed me down and then I was fine.

It's an amazing difference. I don't want and do want to pick, but the "don't want" is winning out!

stilltrying

[Nelly]

Hey stilltrying,

That's great that you were able to go plant shopping wearing summer clothes! Way to go on being able to resist picking! I know that takes a lot of strength and you seem to be on top of things. I hope things continue going well for you.

Nelly

[stilltrying]

There I was at work, sun streaming in the window. All of a sudden I'm scratching at something (note to self: scratching = picking, stop it) and the just like that -- picking! Two things! And I look over my arm thinking how I can now pick all these bumps and gear up for it. That got me to pause. Now? Ah yes, the 'I can stop until event X and then have a HUGE pick fest afterwards'. I had a wonderful day Sunday and now it's payback time in that little part of my brain that wants to pick.

I stopped. I don't pick any more. It doesn't matter when or what event passed. It doesn't matter how many bumps I have (sigh) because they'll just come out on their own, or look like this and that's life. Amazing! I'm just amazed that this stuff is so deep in my brain. I'm back on track and ready. I picked another event, May 21. This is key for two reasons.

1 - I clearly benefit from having a goal (though watch out afterwards! Have that next goal lined up and be ready to jump in with reminders immediately).

2 - My Mom visits the weekend before. Big trigger. We get along, but I know I will be stressed out and that means super pick urge. By putting my reward (salt scrub and massage) afterwards, I can mutter about *that* under my breath instead of picking or muttering other things.

stilltrying

PS, Nelly thanks so much for your comments!

[ameise as guest]

Hi Still Trying,

Congratulations on stopping yourself & realizing that you didn't really want to pick - to mess up a good thing.

your post shows how the important things aren't the slip-ups but the moments when we become conscious of what we are doing & decide not to.

I am so impressed that you are doing so well...

Continued good luck,

Ameise

[stilltrying]

Thanks Ameise. I realise now I had a funny turn of phrase, "I picked another event". Hahaha, I'm picking events now.

Anyway, yeah, a small slip up will happen and the more I catch myself -- ideally before I get out of hand of course -- the more I reinforce that I don't pick anymore, and the more I beat down this stupid urge. I did pick a few things, but while I hope this won't happen again, as things go it was quite minor.

Phew. However, I am looking back over this journal and seeing more posts of 'I picked something' and not enough 'I went X days and didn't even think about my skin'. I'll try to write more of the second!!

stilltrying

[stilltrying]

Things have been going GREAT!

I have worn sleeveless T shirts for just mundane things -- picking up my kid from school, going food shopping, etc.

This marks a change in my view point. Yeah, I still hate the bumps and struggle with noticeable ones, but I am more and more thinking, hey, my skin looks pretty good!

When I want to pick something (ooh are there things I want to pick) rather than look at a bump repeatedly and think about what popping it would be like (can you say NOT HEALTHY? Yeah.) I will remind myself repeatedly that my skin looks so good, and it wouldn't be worth it.

I make myself move back and point out that from this far back no one sees anything. That's because I didn't pick. I have enough memories of picked over skin looks like.

Still, I miss it. I read an article about a woman who quit smoking and was getting a little pissed that 6 months or a year out she still pines daily for a smoke, that she still wants to even though she doesn't cough anymore, smells better, etc. I totally understood! I still want to pick. I just don't.

May 8 and 21 are both goal days coming up. I don't have much in the rest of April, but right now any time I go sleeveless and realize that no one notices a damn thing, that's a goal day right there. It just amazes me. I mean, I still have bad scarring in the lower part of my upper arm, but without scabbed over wounds and red raised areas and all that junk, I can pass as normal skinned. Woohoo!

stilltrying

PS, I let myself pick my legs a little, and a little is seeming enough. Someday I suppose I should stop that, but it never looks as bad as my arms. Well, ok, I used to think that about the bottom of my forearm, by my elbow until I saw it in a mirror and it was AWFUL. Still, I'm getting a handle on my upper arms (and that icky bottom-of-forearm area).

[running2stndstill]

way to go! that is so great. I'm sorry if this is in one of your previous posts, but what are your goal days about?

-K

[stilltrying]

Hi running,

The goal days are times, about 2-4 weeks apart when I plan to be sleeveless around other people. (As in not my husband who thankfully doesn't care.)

I have been doing mostly ok, though I'm pretty strict with myself because everything is still so nice and smooth. Smooth in a large scale sense, since if I peer really closely I see bumps of course. I'm trying not to do that!

That &%*$ bathroom at work though! There I am, on the pot, and the sun just highlights super big white bumps under my skin. Boom, I pick two things. And another on the front of my arm that is in an area the dermatologist just didn't peel enough (so it's more uneven).

I just didn't enjoy that at all. Not to mention being embarrassed as hell that I'm picking in a bathroom, but I just didn't enjoy it much. Ok, stuff came out, little white pearly things. Now my arm will look like shit and I won't feel comfortable in a tank top. Fuck.

Clearly, the consequence of one pick is becoming more important to me than the feelings of release or whatever it was. I need nice skin for the warm weather. Pretty good looking, somewhat bumpy and all, but pretty good looking.

I slathered on the benzoyl peroxide and scrubbed in a long hot shower. I think I'll be on track for the Mother's day stuff (and it better not rain!).

Oh, so yesterday, there I am in the bathroom. I am wearing T shirts now that fit, not one size up, and so the sleeve falls to mid upper arm. All my picking since the peel has been upper upper arm, if you know what I mean, so I can still wear the T shirts ok. Right, so you can see where I"m going -- it's easy to pull the sleeve up and look. In the bathroom! I catch myself and flail my arms around thinking to myself that this is just crazy insane, all I need to do is pee and would I never ever look at my skin in the bathroom again?!

That's the check in. Things are going well, though I am waiting for three (3! Grrr.) things to heal up on my left arm. Boredom is clearly a trigger. Driving and waiting a stoplight, being in the bathroom, things like that.

still trying

[stilltrying]

It's May and things are going well. Had to remind myself not to look when driving in the car today, and then I didn't! Overall I think I'll make the May 7 plan just fine. I'm helping out at a craft faire booth, so it should be warm and I should be able to go sleeveless. Then my Mom visits and so help me no matter how much she irritated me I will not pick! Following weekend: salt scrub/massage.

Should be a good month! The things I picked on my left arm look ok and are healing well. Eventually I hope I can ignore them instead of checking to see how they look. I also picked the heck out of my upper legs. I had one good bump popped and then of course went crazy trying to find more. There weren't any more, but that didn't keep me from squeezing anything that might be something. Ugh. For some reason it doesn't look as bad as my arms, and I think they'll heal up and go away quickly. I used to pick the little curled up hairs/white things on the outside of my knees and those always got infected or looked all red and icky. I don't touch them now, no matter what they look like.

stilltrying

[running2stndstill]

that is so great. thanks for explaining what goal days are.

Best of luck on May 7/8,

K