Molly's Journal

[molly]

OK, so i dont think I can chage the title of the thread I started a few days ago '2 days without picking' - and Im finding this board SUCH an encouragement, that Im going to start a new thread - my journal. I hope that by doing this it can help me finally be free of this life long obsession. Everything Ive read in other peoples accounts, I have done also, and more, over the years. I remember seeing the video to Robin Williams Rock DJ, when he's stripping for the attention of a woman, and after he takes off his pants, there's nothing left, so he starts ripping his skin off layer by layer - I thought - thats what I feel like I want to do. Believe me, I can identify with ALL of you.

So anyway. My Husband is out of town with work all this week and these are the times I stuggle the most. My goal is to go for a month without picking. We've been talking about starting a family (the fear almost paralyses me) but we agreed that I need ot stop picking at my breast before we do. Although Im not completely convinced about having children (maily because I dont want to mess them up because of my problems), I figure this is a good a time as any to put my all into stopping for good. So, I went for 6 days!!!!!! no picking, but thats when my hubby was around. I could hardly stand it by the 6th day, I had all this build up of stuff I HAD to get rid of. I guess I have this fear that it'll build up and build up and cause Cancer. I know understand that this irrational fear of disease if you dont pick is common amongst CSP sufferers.

Anyway, so I started over. I went 3 days. The day my Husband went away, that night, I spent hours in the bathroom searching and searching for anything and everything to pick at. Its true that trying to give up is harder than just accepting it and doing it daily, hourly - whatever. Anyway, I was so depressed on Sunday.

Started over...

So now its Wednesday, lunch time. And I've been 90% pick free. I discovered an imaginary ingrown hair in my bikini line, and I just couldnt let it go. Fortunately after attacking it with a pin for a few minutes, I realised that this was just so wrong, I cant afford to get caught up, so I left it - yay.

I used a few new techniques to help me stop. My biggest problem place is the bathroom - before and after showering, and then at night between washing my face, and cleaning my teeth. Also, when Im sitting on the toilet. Ok, so these are the areas I need to contend with. There's not a lot I can do about the toilet - I cant not go!!! I could wear adult nappies, and although that might give me a JLo butt, I dont think it'd work! So, here's what Ive been doing - sitting on my hands. sounds simple, and you're going to wash your hands anyway, but it's been working. My hands are not available to come up to my face, or to my breasts or anywhere they want to go. Its still a challenge. I had Crohns disease when I was 16 and the resulting bad stomach episodes caused me an enormous amount of shame and I would always self harm adn pick while i was on the toilet. Nice huh.

Anyway, showering.... I have these exfoliating gloves - my husband calls them my Michael Jackson gloves. They're pretty rough, so Ive started putting them on before I get undressed for showering and then again immediatley after showering. And thats been working to.

Also, a BIG thing, is DONT EVEN LOOK!!!!!! I often fail beacuse I look. I need to see whats 'going on' with my skin, and after a few days, there is always alot of stuff there. Just dont look, if I dont look, I dont get tempted. If you can shower at night leave the light off. I also shut my eyes tight when I go to the bathroom. So know you have this mental image of me sitting on my hands, on the toilet with my eyes tight shut. LOL enduring image.

Ok, the other thing, this week while Im on my own Ive been washing my face and cleaning my teeth in the kitchen where there are no mirrors. thats worked to.

So 3 days have gone by. My husband come home on friday an I really want to be able to have sex with no clothes on!!!!! We've been married a year and I rarely let him touch my breasts, and he never sees me naked with the lights on. I really want to be a good wife and let him hold me close. So thats my aim. I know he worries about me and he's been asking how Ive been doing not picking. He's a real star. If any of you worry that you'll never find someone to understand your problem and to love you not matter what - it is possible, there are amazing men out there who see us for who we are, and everything thats great about us, not just the one problem we focus on all the time and think is EVERYTHING we are. I can hardly believe I got married, I never even thought Id make to to this age, let alone be married!!!!

Anyway, I need to pluck my eyebrows today and I know its going to be a challenge because it involves getting close to a mirror. Meeting you guys on this board has been such a blessing to me. I will log in everyday. I already feel such a connection with you and also a responsibility. I feel like I need to stop so I can encourage you all.

Anyway, thanks for listening

DONT EVEN LOOK!

Molly

[sioned]

Hi Molly,

looks like we're starting our journals on the same day! hopefully we can encourage and motivate each other. I recognise so much of myself in what you write. I'm going to have to try this sitting on my hands whilst on the loo thing - cos I always pick my legs and breasts then too! (I get really bad constipation because of the meds I'm on, so I spend ages sitting there......) Usually I manage to not let them get too bad - its my face that is the worst thing for me.
I too have been blessed with an amazing fiance who is eternally caring and understanding. I don't know what I'd do without him, and I know what you mean about wanting to stop picking for his sake too. I'd love for him to not be worrying about me all the time when he knows I'm in the flat on my own.

hope you go ok for the next 24 hrs - I'm thinking of you!

Sioned xx

[molly]

Thank you so much ....

Ill be thinking of you too I HAVE to pluck my eyebrows or Im going to have a unibrow when my other half comes home on Friday!!!

Molly

[molly]

Ok, well its thursday afternoon. I didnt pick this morning - will, just one thing, but I dont count that as a failure. Anyway, I had an argument with my husband. Well, I WAS an idiot. I took our car for an oil change and got sucked into get other stuff done that didnt really need doing, and paying a lot of money for it. Anyway, when I told my husband he got really pissed at me and I got very upset. I dont handle conflict very well, well, actually, at all. This is a real test. Im home on my own now and I feel really crappy and I have no-one to really talk to about this other than you guys because I havent really got any close friends over here yet. My whole life Ive taken my anger (or any kind of feeling, or no feeling atal) out on myself, by cutting or picking - mainly picking. I dont know how to express my anger , whether its anger at someone else, or anger at me. Mind you, even when Im angry at someone else I always turn it round to being my fault for whatever. Anyway ..... hmmm..... I just got a phone call from my husband apologising for getting angry with me. We had a long talk. He asked me to promise that I wouldnt take it out on myself and pick. I said that I promise. But now Im not sure what to do with these feelings. I have this knot of pressure in my chest, that would usually be relieved with picking. I guess I need to keep myself occupied. OK, options ...

1. Let my house rabbit out and play with her - always very entertaining and a good stress reliever, until she wees on the couch!

2. Read a book - not a big reader, infact when I was little at school, we had to get a parent to sign a card to say we'd finished reading a particular book - I regularly forged my Mums signature!!

3. Take a nice bath - not a good idea to expose myself to my body at the moment.

4. Go for a walk - I live in Wisconsin - its flippin' freezin' out there!

5. Do some work. Now thats a possibilty. Im an illustrator, and I have a kids book to come up with characters for, so that might be a good idea.

6. Make a cake. thats also a good idea. i have to make it anyway for tomorrow night when Im going out.

Ok, so I now have 3 possibilities - Rabbit, Work or cake.

Well, writing this stuff down has helped lift me up a little. I REALLY dont want to pick, its been 4.5 days now, and this is when it gets tough, because of all that build up of 'stuff'. Hmph - maybe I could write a poem

Good, feeling better. Just got to keep it up.

Molly

[sioned]

Hi Molly,

I'm so impressed that you managed to sit and write and come up with all those ideas of things to do even though you really felt like picking. I think I'd have gone with either the rabbit or the cake! I find making cakes really therapeutic - I'm pretty hopeless in the kitchen with most things but making cakes is one thing I do well so its always very satisfying! Only downside is the calories, but I figure thats still better than picking!

I would really lovely to have a pet of some sort, preferably a dog or a cat. I lived at my aunty's house for a while and she had the most amazing cat who used to sit on my lap for hours. I was really depressed at that time and I swear that cat was one of the things that kept me going. Now the flat we live in is too small for any pets and more importantly we live right on a really busy main road with only a front door, so I'd be petrified that if we got a cat it would just get run over. Once we move to a bigger place though, we will definitely get some kittens. Animals have been proven to be really effective therapy for people generally and I can really testify to that.

Anyway - enough of my waffling - I really hope you got through the rest of the day without picking. Glad to hear you sorted things out with your husband. I don't deal well with conflict either. I know exactly what you mean about turning it in on yourself. Well I hope you managed not to do that today.

Sioned xx

[molly]

You're impressed? Really? By me? Blimey! Well, its all well and good coming up with those things to do, but actuallt doing them is the hard part. Its a WHOLE lot easier to go upstairs, sit on the toilet and attack myself.

Pets are a great way to relax and de-stress. I ALWAYS wanted a dog, for as long as I can remember, but my parents said our house wasnt big enough. He got me one of those battery operated ones that work a bit and bark, but they just dont sniff strangers crotches like real dogs do!!!! I did have an imaginary dog (instead of a friend) who used to come on holiday with is. Id look out of the back window and watch him run after our volvo (there wasnt enough room for an imaginary dog in the car, so he had to run along side). He ran all the way from Birmingham to Cornwall once.

Molly

[molly]

Well, its now nearly 8pm. I havent been doing anything on the list, but I havent gone upstairs and picked either. I have picked and ripped at my nails a bit, but Im not too concerned about that (as long as it doesnt replace my skin picking). Anyway, I think Ive realised that I have a very obbsessive personality. Thinking about it I realise that in the past Ive been obssessed with buying hair magazines - you know you have a problem when you buy an issue of a magazine that you already have!!! and HAIR!!!!! Then I was obsessed with House magazines. I was obsessed with buying things with fish images on them. I was obssessed with buying shoes (hmmm, maybe thats just a female thing). I seem to get into something and completely let it consume me.

OK, here's something .... this seems to happen a lot, probably more than i realise, but I only realise when Im sitting talking to someone. I sit there and have a conversation but my subconcious mind scans the room and starts to obsess about moving things. Like, I dunno, say I see - I dunno - a plug in a socket, I might obsess about the plug coming out and plugging it into the socket above it. Or, straightening stuff out thats not straight, or anything. If I notice after the conversation has finished I might find that there are 5 or 6 different things around the room that my subconcious mind has been playing with. Do most people do this. Its not like Im daydreaming, Im completely focused on what the conversation is about, but my subconcious mind runs wild? Oh, and Im a completely untidy person, Im in no way a neat freak, I never have to need for things to be 'just so', and yet my mind does.

Am I talking complete rubbish here, or is it part of the obsessiveness?

Molly.

[molly]

Oh, I meant to say also, Im now obsessed with this site!!!! When Im home I have to check it every couple of hours just to see if anyone's replied to my posts!!!!

[molly]

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

i just realised that I count too! I remember noticing it the other day when I was filling up the watering can, I count until its full - everytime! Same with the coffee jug and the kettle and the rabbits water bottle!!!!

Im completely insane!!!!!

Molly

[shihui]

hi molly, i just wanted to let you know that your journal entries are really amusing..haha

i think you have OCD...probably on a more minor scale. i don't think it's very serious since you're not a neat freak. futrthermore skin picking seems to be the only thing that's really affecting your life. but maybe you would want to see a psychiatrist or therapist to help you with it? i mean, you should know what's going on so that you can help yourself. and don't worry about the part where you come to the site every few hours to check if anyone replied. i do that too ;D

[Molly]

Hey, Im glad people find what I say amusing. It makes me feel good that I can make other people laugh or at least laugh.

Well, today is day 6. I just about managed to not pick last night and mostly not this morning - certainly nothing that you'd notice. The temptaion is high, there's alot of 'stuff', especially on my breasts. I wor my Michael Jackson gloves when I plucked my eyebrows because I had to get close to the mirror, and that really helped. I would encourage everyone to try this technique - you can get the exfoliating gloves from Body shop for sure, and probably most shops like that.

Anyway, my Hubby came home a bit ago, and Im so proud to tell him that I didnt pick. He was really impressed by by project that I had kept a secret from him - I painted our spare room.

Anyway, so far so good, if I get past today its going to be the longest Ive gone without picking for about 8 years!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

Must go and clean my teeth, I have morning breath combined with shredded Wheat!!!!! nice!

Will no doubt sign in again in an hour or two.

Take care everyone.

[Molly]

Well, I failed

I made a cake for a girls thing I was going to tonight and it didnt turn out like I wanted. I guess as my Husband was now home, my guard was down and I went upstairs to get ready for going out and I saw an ingrown hair in my bikini line (it wasnt actually ingrown, I just thought it was) anyway, I squeezed adn picked at it for a minute or so, and I thought, 'this is ok, this isnt a failure .... if I start to attack it with a (annoyingly available) pin, THEN Ive failed, and then, there I was ... then I managed to pull myself away, then I started looking at my face, and started squeezing a few blackheads - no big deal, I still dont think Ive 'failed'. then I get urges to pick at my breasts .... I think of calling my husband upstairs, but I kept thinking, Ill be ok, Ill be ok, I dont need to call him .... FOOLISH, STUPID, IDIOT. And here we are again, and man, I love getting that stuff out, its so wrong. Some power in me pulled me away and I ran downstairs and told my husband what had happened. Im SO MAD with myself. today was my day 6 of not picking and I let myself down.

But ....... it could've been worse, I guess. I at least was able to pull myself away, even if it was a little too late.

My husband was really kind and supportive. And I was at least able do what Id hoped for all week while he'd been away - make love and actually be naked - my skin felt good enough still to do that, so thats good progress. Anyway, so I didnt end up going out and I have this stupid heart shaped cake in the fridge.

Its late, and he's asleep. I feel pretty crappy for failing - at day 6 - again.

Anyway, I guess I have to follow my own advice and not let this affect me too much, and start again tomorrow.

Um .... I know that if you leave spots and lumps (and anything else I unsually pick at) alone, they do go away, but what happens with ingrown hairs? Ive ALWAYS attacked them - real and imagined. So what happens if you leave them - does anyone know?

Im going to bed. take care all.

Feeling pretty down. Molly

[hoppe]

Hi Molly

Thank you for your post!

I am really sorry you are feeling down! I hope things look better today. It was after all only minor picking. And 6 days is actually pretty amazing. Maybe you can allow yourself to feel that for a moment. Just for a second - don't think about that you picked - but just how great it is that you did not do it for 6 days. It is very important to acknowledge every victory on the way.

Today is a new day. I hope it will be a good one for you.

hoppe

[Molly]

Thaks for your encouragement Hoppe - its greatly appreciated.

Molly

[Molly]

Well, after friday nights little set back, Im back into it. Ive not been very good I have to admit. Those ingrown hairs are a nightmare! This is very wrong - but, nothing gives me more satisfaction, nothing atal, then getting an ingrown hair out. I have no idea why that is. Do others feel like that? I think its even more satisfying than when you squeeze a lump and loads of crap comes out of it.

My husband has contacted a local cognative therepist. Ive read so many self help books and I have all the knowledge and tools to quit this, but we both feel I need a professional just to give me that extra help and guidance. I talked to him, and he seems nice. I a little worried about opening up to him though. I love my husband and I dont watn anyone else, but, I still, as a woman, need to feel that other men think Im attractive and Im not sure Im going to be able to tell him all the stuff Ive done and do to myself - Im to ashamed. Its easy on this board because its completly anonimous. Hmph .... I had this problem with a therepist a few years back too. It would be so much easier with a woman, but, Cognative therepists are pretty hard to come by around here. Anyway, the appointment is next week so Ill let you know how it goes.

I know I dont seem as bad as some of the other women who are stuggling on this site. I know that to even go 1 day, or even 1/2 a day is a near impossibility for mainly on this site. But, I guess Im (hopefully) nearing the end of my struggle - believe me, Ive been there. You have to know that you CAN beat this obsession. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to deal with, but you (I) mustnt give up. the end is so close.

Anyway, its valentines day, and our 1st wedding anniversary, and Im cooking a meal tonight, so I have to get things ready.

I hope you are all doing ok, and Im praying for all of you.

Molly xx