|
Post by Molly on Feb 15, 2005 10:24:37 GMT -5
Hello.
Well, I got dressed up last night for our valentines/anniversary meal and I felt good about myself. despite that, I did pick a little, but I actually felt more in control. Normally I feel like that and I lull myself into a false sense of security thinking I can stop at anytime, then i end up picking for hours. But over the past few days, when Ive picked just a llittle, Ive beenable to just pick what I felt like I needed to then walk away. Im not sure if that is better than not doing it atal, then having a complete blowout after 5 or six days. we'll see. I do know that I dont feel bad about myself, liek Ive had this huge let down when I only do it a minute or so a day, rather than hours each week. Mmmmm ... we'll have to think about that one.
Anyway, today is my 30th birthday. Its quite bizarre, because I actually didnt think Id last his long. I really thought Id have given up by now and never reach my 30th birthday. I never thought about getting married, and having kids didnt even enter my head. Its so strange and bizarre and great that Im in the position now. that I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. that despite being so full of self loathing and attacking my body everyday and never ever thinking Id get over this paralyzing condition, Im still here. PLEASE HOLD ON ALL OF YOU WHO FEEL SO WEAK AND HOPELESS, YOU CAN FIND PEACE AND HEALING. I am am SO much happier and content with myself than when I turned 20. I was so depressed and full of self hate then. I at least like myself now. there's a picture my dad took of my cutting my 21st birthday cake and I look like I want to take that big knofe and slit my wrists. Its a horrible photo, and its very upsetting to look at.
Still, its imporant not to dwell on the past. My picking is at its lowest its ever been my whole life, I no longer but myself and the urges to have become less and less over the past few years. Ive lost weight, I got married (I NEVER thought Id get married). Life is gettign better with age.
So, from today I have to start wearing sensible shoes and start to dress my age. I have to learn how to cook proper meals and know what I should and shouldnt put in the tumble drier. I need to floss everyday, cleanse, tone and moisturise every night and start to read a newspaper, and not just the cartoons. Yeah right, like those things are going to happen!!!
Anyway, Im off to eat more cake. take care everyone.
Molly
|
|
|
Post by hoppe on Feb 15, 2005 10:52:13 GMT -5
Molly - HAPPY BIRTHDAY I hope you will have a wonderful day - hopefully including sunshine and some really nice presents! It is great you are doing so well with picking. There is probably no better birthday present you can give to yourself. hoppe
|
|
sioned
Junior Member
Posts: 71
|
Post by sioned on Feb 16, 2005 13:12:32 GMT -5
Hi Molly,
Happy Birthday for yesterday!
I'm really glad that you are feeling good about reaching a milestone and feel happy and positive in spite of the picking (which, as you rightly say - we will conquer!).
Well I just wrote an enormously long post in my diary so I won't say much here except for thank-you for thinking about me! And I'm glad you had a good valentines and anniversary evening on monday. I have tonnes of work to do for college so its back to the grindstone for me now! Take care - and enjoy your cake!
Sioned xx
|
|
|
Post by Dreamer on Feb 16, 2005 23:17:18 GMT -5
Dear Molly,
I hope all is well with you and you had a lovely birthday. You mentioned that your husband was looking up therapists for you. Have you considered hypnotherapy? It is essentially the same as a regular cognitive pyschology, but for me it has really made my compulsion to pick lessen, and I have gone for only one session. I can't recommend it enough! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Dreamer
|
|
Greta
New Member
Posts: 34
|
Post by Greta on Feb 17, 2005 12:11:36 GMT -5
Dear Molly,
I hope you had a wonderful birthday! I wrote to you in that other thread you started and I had planned to write to you soon again. But there has been a lot around here, and I´m not always in the mood for writing. I often feel to stressed to sit down and write.
I have read all your posts here, and I want you to know that you really are a good writer. You make me smile as I read (and that I truly need in this mess that I´m in.) I should write in my own journal as well but I´ll do that later.
I´m really impressed about that you didn´t pick for 6 days. That´s wonderful I think! I´m not sure that I ever have managed for so long. Right now I´m using a medicine with Benzoyl peroxide that I apply on the skin. It works really good because the skin gets dry and smooth and no blackheads or whiteheads appear. But still it is hard to stay away with my fingers. As I read on this forum for exampel, my hands wander over my face and neck, and sometimes arm. It´s terrible. Just like you, I have problem with my bathroom as well. There were a lot of good ideas you gave, on how to manage in the bathroom without picking. I will try some of them from now on, soon returning and report how it works for me!
Take care of you, and I pray for you.
Greta
|
|
|
Post by Molly on Feb 28, 2005 11:48:54 GMT -5
Mmmmmmm ...... not doing very well. I havent written in a while, Ive been crazy busy. We're moving house - all of a sudden. We put an offer in on a new house last monday and our current house went up for sale last thursday. I spent all last week, cleaning, painting and picking. It serves lots of puroses doesnt it. I did it to put off doing things around the house as Im really sad about selling this house as I love it. I picked every day, from a few minutes to about half and hour or so. My arms took most of it. I dont often do my arms these days. when I was younger, my arlms took the main brunt of the attack, I guess over the years the focus of picking has been of differnt parts of the body. My breasts too, and those dam ingrown hairs. I did actually get one out, and it was a huge feeling of satisfaction and relief.
Anyway, the worst came yesterday when I picked as a punishment. My husband had to leave for the airport and we couldnt find the car keys. He was getting more and more pissed off. We were looking everywhere. then I realised they were in my coat pocket - that Id ben wearing the whole time. I was SO MAD AT MYSELF. I lied to him and told him Id jsut found them in the bedroom (I did later admit to him what had actually happened). I went out to church and he went off the the airport. When I got home, still feeling so angry with myself and depressed and frustrated ..... and I went upstairs and picked and picked and picked, for about 2 hours. My face, my arms, my breasts, my belly, my legs, my bikini line. I was a red swollen mess. But I was no longer mad at myself. I felt better.
the other thing is 3 or 4 weeks ago, when I started this thread and made this decision to make every effort to stop the picking, I developed this facial tic. the corner of my mouth started to twitch. It got worse and worse and was making me feel SO self concious. This past week, when Ive been piicking more, its virtually gone away. I dont like this.
I also started seeing a Cognative therepist last week. He seems pretty nice and I think its going to be helpful, although Im not sure he's dealt much with skin picking, so Im going to have to educate him there, but he knows cognative therepy, and thats what I need, so hopefully he can help me. Ill let you know what happens.
Molly
|
|
|
Post by hoppe on Feb 28, 2005 12:05:22 GMT -5
Hi Molly I am sorry you picked - and about the keys! I hope you are feeling better by now. Was your husband very mad when you told him the truth? Hope everything is okay between you. I am glad you started therapy. Hope this will help you. Listen - I have to tell you - I also developed a facial tic at the corner of my mouth. I think it came last year, around the same time I started to fight my picking. It is the left corner of my mouth that twitches. It gets worse when I am upset or very sad. Strangely enough, although it looks weird, I feel I get some satisfaction out of it. In a way the movement feels nice - I am not sure I can explain it. How does it feel for you? hoppe
|
|
|
Post by Molly on Mar 1, 2005 11:47:17 GMT -5
Hi hoppe,
Wow - you got a tic too! Mines also in the left corner of my mouth. It almost totally went away after last week when I picked everyday. I talked to the therepist about ti last night and we agreed that it would probably go away on its own, even with me not picking.
My hubby wasnt mad at all when I told him the truth about the keys - it was so stupid. He was upset that the whole thing caused me to pick badly, but he wasnt mad. He's a good guy.
My picking serves so many purposes. I do it to punish myself, I do it to put off doing things I dont want to, I do it to ease anxiety, I do it if Im upset or frustrated or any other feeling at all, and I do it just out of habit. Its a pain in the ass!
Anyway, I have a load of work to do today, so I have to stay focused. I asked my client to give me a deadline for the work Im doing so Id stay focused. He's a good friend too and he knows I have some issues, so its a good relationship. So, I better get going, I have to draw my ass off today!
take care Hoppe, and everyone
Molly.
Anyway,
|
|
|
Post by Molly on Mar 4, 2005 11:11:45 GMT -5
OK, time to start over. I was so enthusiastic when I started this thread, and so determined to stop the picking. I seem to have lost my enthusiasm. I need to listen to my own advice. I havent picked so far today, so today is going to be a ZT day, at least, thats what Im planing for. I made a mess of my face, bikini line and breasts again last night its so frustrating! so, Im back on ... hopefully I can fulfil my promise to myself. Ill let you know what happens ... Molly
|
|
Nelly
Full Member
Posts: 163
|
Post by Nelly on Mar 4, 2005 14:11:32 GMT -5
Molly, Sorry about your picking last night. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. I hope you managed ZT today and that you have lots more ZT days to come. Just take it one step at a time and you'll be fine. Wishing you lots of strength, Nelly
|
|
|
Post by Molly on Mar 4, 2005 21:46:10 GMT -5
thanks Nelly, Ive been 99% pick free so far today. the 1% was unconcious, and I didnt have a chance to stop myself beforehand. The biggest thing will be tonight when I get ready for bed. Im on my own - again - Husband's out of town with work. Anyway, Im going to bring my toothbrush and soap and stuff downstairs into the kitchen - no mirrors there so that should help. More tomorrow Molly
|
|
|
Post by Molly on Mar 23, 2005 16:49:15 GMT -5
Hi everyone. Its been a while since Ive posted. Things have been very overwhelming what with seeing the therepist and dealing with the picking more openly and selling the house. The guy Im seeing is really very sweet. He's older and so its kind of liek talking to your grandad. He;s very good too. I mean, he can read me like a book. Ive learnt a lot about myself. The biggest thing I guess is that I have a facsination about my skin. I mean from a biological perspective. It never ceases to amaze me what my skin is made up of and what is produces. I guess Ive never thought of it like that before. But I realised that when I was very young I would spend hours on the toilet looking for hairs growing on my legs! Of course after a few years, I wanted to shave them off!!! But, I was amazed by my body. I remember being so excited when I got my first underarm hair!!!! LOL, how funny is that! So, I think what maybe started out when I was very young as a relatively healthy interest and facsination, turned into a way of hurting myself and expressing my emotions once I got older. I was one of the first girls in my year at school to devolop breasts and was teased, actually more by the girls than the boys and so I grew to hate my body, especially my breasts. That coupled with my parents strict ideas about boyfriends and what might come along with that, caused me to attack myself. Is anyone else fascinated by their bodies? Maybe I should become a beautician, then I can pick other peoples skin, and pluck other peoples hair out!!!!! Anyway ..... is that how you spell facsinating? So, along with seeing this therepist, I also went along to see my Pastor from Church. He's brillaint. Such a wonderful, loving man with a sincere heart and true love for people. Amazingly I have been able to open up to him and tell him things I never thought Id be able to. He's helping my from a more spiritual aspect. I asked me to write down an alphabet and alongside each letter write words that are truth about who I am in Gods eyes.... heres a shortened version of it .. Amazing Creation, Blessed, Chosen, Discipled, Eternally loved, Forgiven, Guided, Held, Important, Joyful, Known, Longed for, Made, Never forsaken, Owned, Precious, Planned, Quality, Redeemed, Saved, Sealed, Trusted, Unconditionally loved, Valuable, Wanted, XYZ ... um .... they were kind of a problem. I had more words for each letter, but you get the idea. Anyway, Ive been saying this over to myself when Im feeling vulnerable or sad, and its really helped. I actually feel positive about getting this thing under control. I have so many lovely people in my life who are so good to me. I want to start being good to myself and stop being consumed by myself and give to other people. So, there you go. Im still working on things. I know Im picking a lot less at the moment than I was 2 months ago even. But its stressful having it at the surface all the time. It was alot easier to deal with when nobody knew about it and I never talked about it and I could ignore it. Easier, but not better, or healthier. Anyway, I still pray for all of you who and hope you all are doing ok. love Molly xx
|
|
|
Post by hoppe on Mar 24, 2005 3:03:25 GMT -5
Hi Molly Great you found a therapist you like! I hope he can help you. And congratulations to be able to talk to your Pastor about it. I think it is really important to talk about this issue to be able to get better. But I understand what you mean when you say it is stressful to have it at the surface all the time. I also find myself missing those times where nobodoy knew about this and I could pretend that I do not have a problem. Especially when I was around my boyfriend I was often able to let my mind relax. He never said anything about my face or the time I spent in the bathroom, and I could tell myself - see, if he does not say anything, I am probably completely normal. Of course deep down I knew I wasn't and that the repeated microsurgery on my face was not average behaviour.... . Anyway, now 'my problem' is between us all the time and that can be pretty hard. The way he looks at me when I come out of the bathroom - he makes me feel guilty even when I did not do anything. But thank you for pointing out that although it might have been easier, it was neither better nor healthier to be in denial. You are right. To be able to conquer this problem we need to face it. You sound like such a lovely person from your posts, loving, caring, funny - hope you will be on the other, pick-free side of life very soon. hoppe
|
|