Reflection's Selfportrait 2005

[hoppe]

Hi reflection

I just want to say 'good morning' to you (8:35 am here, I think at your place too), and that I hope this will be a good day for you.

hoppe

[Hecate]

Hi,Reflection, You seem really motivated & willing to do whatever it takes.Good luck with working the steps.I'm trying to do that as well.The hardest one is the first step but that's the one that will set us free.Developing the relationship with your higher power & handing your life over(second & third step) is what will make it easier to stay stopped.Steps have worked for me with addiction & I know that they will work with OSP, too, if I could only stop fighting it & admit my powerlessness over picking & hand over my will to my higher power.That's easy to say but once you feel it on the hearth level it's freeing.By posting here you're allready doing the forth step.Work on surrendering & with your willingness you're halfway there.You have been working so hard on your recovery & things can only get bether.Hang in there & soon you'll feel bether.I believe in you & your support means a lot to me.

[Reflection as guest]

Hey Hecate and Hoppe,
Thank u for ur support. It means so much to me. Ill be back on soon.
Ttyl
Reflection

[Reflection as guest]

3. Made a decision to turn our Will and our Lives over to the Care of God AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM.

How can I do this? I mean I know I can, but I dont feel I can... Also step one is confusing as I feel guitly when I pick cos I feel I do not have a strong will.
If its not because of my will, then why am I failing?

Anyway here is today:
I managed the food part.
I managed to do my EE school paper.
I managed to drink 2 L water.

However I did not manage to
do the sports I planned
study maths
Zt


Why did i not manage those?
sports cos i was lazy and tired n decided to drive instead of walk home.
maths cos i chatted and talked on phone all night
I managed ZT all day untill 22:00 when I realised that I wouldnt be able to complete my goals and get to bed before 23:00.

Conlclusion:
Schedule as I do, but stick to it. How?? By not chatting and talking on phone untill I am done with work. Reserve a time for that. I have found out why I pick. I pick because I am dissapointed in myself for not having completed my goals. Its a way of giving in.

However I should be positive. I have been happy and calm today. And I have time to study tomorrow. Why stress when I dont have to??

And sports will come... Eventually.
Now I will do a plan for tomorrow. I have two days untill I leave for Norway. I want to pick less and less, maybe DG and even ZT.

When thinking about it, today was definatly a DG day! ;D


Reflection

"Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success."
-- Stephen A. Brennan

[hoppe]

Hi Reflection

Congratulations on a DG day (I am glad I invented that term!).
There is something about your posts that makes you sound different - in a way more determined, but also finally able to not ask to much from yourself and to acknowledge what you have achieved. I like that!

So you will spent Christmas in Norway? Hope you will have a good time. Funny to think about that you will be so close, almost next door.... .

hoppe

[Reflection as guest]

Hey Hoppe,
Thank u.. I feel really motivated too.
I am positive that this time I will get over it. There is nothing else to do that fight. Why not start now? I messed up a bit, but that was nothing big, so why care?

Yeii.. my neighbour. Yes I will be close. Are u staying in Sweden? I wont be online then though... Hopefully everything will be good with u!

I hope u r doing well. I really appreciate ur support n hope to hear from u soon and how u r doing.

Goodnight
Reflection

[Reflection as guest]

"Finish each day before you begin the next, and interpose a solid wall of sleep between the two. This you cannot do without temperance."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-82),

[Reflection as guest]

1:50 Friday morning
I just got back home from a dinner and club with a couple and this guy i really like.
(I dunno if this is linked to picking or anything but I really needa get it out so I dont let it out on my face and it has to do with the physical me, so I guess it does relate.)
I am crying and I feel trapped. Why cant I let go of myself?
Shit I feel sooo trapped inside.
I am ok at talking when I know people, but even then I am shy. And tonight I managed ok, but then some other people came and the music started playing. I just sat there. I could not manage anything. I couldnt move. I couldnt dance to the music or even follow the rythm. Words couldnt come out of my mouth. I was so trapped. I was stuck and a big lump formed in my throat.
It may have been rude. It was probably as I didnt talk to my guy and his friends the last part of the evening. Shit I like him so much and just cos I am shy or cos of this feeling of being trapped, I mess things up. Why am I like this? Why cant I get words out of my mouth and just relax... Why is my body so tightened and unable to move? Why cant I just be happy and express my self?
The guy said so many things to me and expressed how much he liked me. However this part of me he cant accept and it changes everything. He thought we could have had something, but now he doesnt think so anymore cos he cant deal with my problems. I told him before as I have known him a long time and we go out a lot, that I get clustrophobic feeling and all that when people try to get me to dance .. It was the same feeling tonight. Im so rude just sitting there. I should have tried some more.. But I am just trapped inside. All I wanna do is cry. And on the way home I consciously didnt put my seat belt on and consciously thought 'I hope we crash.'
All I wanna do is sink and cry and scream at these times. I want it to be good between us and I really really do like him. It was all going so well... Why didnt I behave better. Why didnt I atleast TRY to engage in a conversation or something? Why couldnt I just move to the music a bit? I tried a bit.. Slightly back and forth.. But it was all in my mind... cos physically I cannot release myself. I am tied into this body. Its like a box and I am the content.. But I cannot get out.
Is this why I pick??? Is this how I 'get myself out?'
Shit I am so dissapointed in myself. Why cant I behave different and the way I should.. They must think I have no manners or anything and that I am such a suckup who just sits there.
In reality I want to change. I was sitting there all night thinking of things I could talk about, thinking of ways to get involved, moving closer and trying to move to the music. But I just couldnt find anything to say, I just could not move. I couldnt let myself have fun.

I hope I can change. I told the guy I would before we went. And when we were there he said.... 'Great test'
I didnt pass. He wouldnt let me talk.. When I did he said.. wat can I do about it?? Sure he cant do anythign and he said it was ok... But I knew then that he was not ok with it... He did not kiss me or come close... I called him and he said I had to get over my problems first. But I am not sure if I will be able to do that. And even if I do, I am not sure if he will want me again.

I was having such a good time during dinner, why everytime the music turns on and people start dancing adn unknown people come in, do I freeze and words go away and my body gets tense?
Shit I am sooo mad at myself. I was hoping tonight would end well, I was hoping we would kiss and say good night.
Now Im left with this. Yet another problem to change about the physical me. My picking, my eating and weight, and dancing etc......................

I failed the test, and I regret the way I acted... Why am I like this, when I know what I have to do???


Reflection

[Hecate]

Hi,Reflection,You are being so hard on your self.If that guy can't accept you for who you are then he does not deserve you.You've been working so hard on getting bether & healing yourself & you can only do it at your own pace.Every time I've tried to change for someone else it did't work out & I was dissapointed , resentfull & back to square 1. Wish I could take your pain away, but the only thing I can say is that it will pass.Hope you'll soon feel bether.

[Reflection as guest]

But Hecate dont I sound rude adn doesnt it sound like I have no manners? I just sat there and looked at people dancing. I didnt say anything or involve in the side conversations. I could have tried to talk to them. Why did I jus sit there? It was as if everything just blancked out for a long long time...
But the few times they talked to me I did smile... but eventually not to the guy cos he told me talk talk.. and i told him.. why dont YOU talk to me then??
I am shy... It is hard to change, but last night was probably rude and not shy. What do u think? Sorry again, this is not about picking, but I think it all relates...
After I had writen it I started picking and stayed picking untill 3 in the morning. I am ment to be at school now but I am skipping the last day before christmas. I havnt done my work or anything. I am so dissapointed in my self. And u said the times u treid to change for others it did not work.. However I want to change for myself... Ide have so much more fun if I changed..

Reflection

[hoppe as guest]

Hi sweet reflection

I am sorry you are feeling so down. I have read you posts and I do not think you are rude - if the others perceive you like it, then they are not very sensitive. I think you have social anxiety. I also suffer from it. I always have problems at parties and on similar events that I do not know what to say, how to act... usually I prefer not to go because I do not want to put myself through it.

If you want to talk let me know. I am also at home, so I can chat if you feel like it.

hoppe

[Hecate]

You're not definitly not rude ,social enxiety is difficult to live with & you were doing your best.Recovery is a proccess & you can't blame your self for someting that was out of your control.You said you wanted to talk & dance but just was overwelmed & couldn't.That's not your foult.We're not responsible for our desease,only our recovery.I know that you want to change for youself & it must be frustrating when these problems are affecting your relationships with others.It seems to me that that guy was rude,not wanting to hear you out & putting you "on the test" by encouraging you to go into an invironment where he knew you will not feel comftable.Eighter he is not taking your problem seriously or he simply can't understand it.You seem very aware , willing to deal with your problems & taking the responsibility for your recovery.Unfortunatly this can be a long and painfull proccess so please be gentle & patient with yourself .

[Reflection as guest]

Thank you Hecate.
I agree with u. I do not blame myself. And if that guy cared for me as much as he had said before, then he should have accepted me like I am. I have never called it a disease though. Perhaps I am just shy. I think I am just shy and not comfortable and confident with my self. Anyway there is nothing wrong in being shy. I might have done some things wrong, but eh has done more wrong by ignoring me when i try to explain. He cant make me talk on command.
I am who I am. I dont change over night. Either he accepts me the way I am, or he doesn't. Apparently he doesnt, but he doesnt have to be mad at me cos I am the way I am.

Thank you for ur words. From now on I will froget him. No more talk about him or reminders about him. I wont allow myself to be blaimed again.

This has to be a good day. I am going to work a bit, pack a bit then go out to town with friends.

back to my goals:

picking not going too well. I will just have to try one more time.

Food is going well. I have eaten a sandwish, two slices cheese, jam and love fruits. I say that is my lunch and breakfast. I have lost weight. I weigh 59.3kg.


Today I have to have a ZT day!!! Its a must. All the times I have picked have had explanations. Last night it was anxiety i guess and the first time I picked it was because of one place I saw.. I cant afford to mess up and scar myself. I needa stop. Zt today.

These are my quotes for today:

"First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you."
-- Rob Gilbert


"Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something. It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions. It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones."
-- Stephen R. Covey (b. 1932), American writer, author

Reflection

[hoppe]

Hi Reflection

I guess you will be leaving for Norway tomorrow. When are you coming back?
Hope you will have a nice trip! And merry Christmas!

hoppe

[Reflection as guest]

Friday night-- a bit tipsy... just got back home and had a great time at a friend's house with lots of people. Today I was really different and outgoing. Am I two people or was it the alcohol? Perhaps that guy from last night just intiminates me. Perhaps he makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway I havnt picked at all today. I have a feeling I willionce I get into the bathroom, infront of the mirror. It is as if I do not care. But i do..
OK I gotta be stricked... No picking tonight!
I leave tomorrow.. Hoppe I hope u will be ok. And Hecate too. Its so nice having ur support! Hoppe I havnt seen u write much lately.. Hope its going well with everyone. Im not sure when I get back yet.
Anyway Merry christmas and a happy new year!
Reflection