Greta's journal

[Greta]

Interesting. 8 guests here right now. The clock on the board shows 00:47.30 . It´s in middle of the night at your place? USA?

Anyway, where I amit´s almost 7 in the morning. I´m about to go to work. Went up early today and could see that the condition of my skin was not to bad. In my face only one big blemish that i squeezed, but not so much red spots. No new breakouts on my body, just a couple of sores from earlier mornings. My arms are so good right now and I´m really happy for that. Starting to think about the summer and all the nice dlothes I will wear. I ordered a almost sleeveless shirt yesterday. Now I really feel that I´m going somewhere. I´m not pickfree but I can control myself to stop after just one or to. I know ofcourse this isn´t reliable. You never know when the BIG picksession comes. So therefor I have to go further now, and do ZT until tomorrow after 8 o´clock. ;D

[Greta]

I´m at work. Went to the ladies room this afternoon. Picked one! So stupid. I never thought about my ZT-promise. Now I will have to report everything. I must be aware of what I do.

[Nelly]

Greta,

It's great that you're doing so well. Don't beat yourself up over that one spot that you picked. Just remember how many times you resisted picking and how good your skin looks as a result of that! ZT is hard to do.. I'd be really happy if I only picked one spot a day. I'd say you're still doing exceptionally well. Keep it up!

Nelly

[Greta]

Thank you Nelly for your support. It helped me a lot today. Picked some more today, but not bad, I still look well. Have to except that the skin is worse some days all naturally.

Maybe it´s like this: Once a picker, always a picker. The same thing as they use to say about alcohol problems. Some day I might stand it without picking, but the risk to fall back in will always be there. Thinking like this might do things a bit easier. Beacuse now I get so angry with me every time I pick because it tells me that I haven´t got rid of the addiction. Maybe the thing is, that I never will get rid of the addiction. I just have to learn to live with it, and struggle against it every day. Still, I reallly believe I can be pickfree. Picking one or two spots is not bad, as long as I don´t fell bad. Many people pick without having a compulsion to do it. And they don´t feel as bad as I do. The risk of getting totaly absorbed and pick for hours will always be there for me. Once a picker, always a picker. But a pickfree picker, that can be my goal!

I went to the solarium today. Will be interesting to se if the result will turn out good or bad for my skin. A sun tan can make the skin more beautiful and therefore motivate me to stop picking. Although I know that real sun is better. Only so cold to be out sun taning here in the winter.

[Greta]

I would be very happy if i didn´t have those big pores filled with black and/or white stuff. Especially much on chin and jawbone. I know there is know idea to pick them. But if I don´t pick them, my skin doesn´t look fresh and clean at all. I must find out how to make them disappear for good. What I´m doing now feels like a bad circle and a endless struggle. Like that greek god Sisyfos who pushes a big boulder uphill to start it anew time after time.

Picked - some, but not so deep, skin looks good and no bleading.

[Greta]

This weekend has been a big setback. I have picked on everything. Went home to my parrents and dropped all my control. I don´t even remember the exact point when I picked away. But it must have been in the bathroom and in bead before sleep. Maybe the night before I even got to my parents house. I don´t know. All I know is that I feel bad know. There is only one thing to do. Stop picking and really fight for it. Got some courage when reading posts on the "Tips for quitting"-board. I will:

• cover all mirrors
• take out the lightbulb in bathrom (use the toilett and take a shower in darkness
• start using wet wipes instead of washing my face and hands

• use gloves when I´m at home
• make a bracelet that remembers me of my task
• allow myself to feel bad the first two-three weeks

• don´t care about pimples that emerge, nothing terrible will happen if I leave them alone
• stop using make-up during this period
• don´t take on me to much work during this stopping-preiod

• post on meassageboard every day

[Greta]

I`ve done some of these things today and it works partly. The big problem is that I´m not enough motivated. It feels like it doesn´t matter anyway, I will never be pickfree´, I´m doing a bad result at work, I have no spare time. Just walking around worrying, picking, thoughts going round and around in my head, the same thougts that press me down. I feel stupid, dull in my head, I´m not myself at work, I play a role that isn´t me, and I think everyone dislikes me. They look through me and see I´m just a joke. A lot of my energy goes to figuring out what everyone else is thinking of me. Things couold be better. But still, my husband says that he loves me. I must learn to be happy for what I have.

[Greta]

The problem for me is that every single pore in face, on arms, breast and back is filled with stuff to squeeze out. It never stops, I squeeze, they get filled up, I squeeze again. It never ends. I think I will have to go to a doctor. I wish I could come to a specialist right on, but it doesn´t work that way in our country. I have to go to the health centre.

[Ullan]

Hi!

I wrote you a long thing about how I´m also from Sweden and how I also pick and everything...
ERASED! Now I really want to pick...

Anyway. Im from Uppsala and I´m 24 yrs. I´m stopping to pick. It´s difficult but I´m making it.

[Ullan]

This is something I write at Anankes page a minute ago:
Till OCD-fången

Hej!
Vad bra att du berättade om dina stackars fötter! Och vad skönt att höra att de får vara ifred nu:)
(En på ananke alltså)<br>När jag var liten kommer jag ihåg att jag försökte bita av mammas naglar...Hon tyckte att de skulle få vara ifred ha ha, det förstår jag. När jag var typ 12 så var jag tvungen att äta min mat på ett speciellt sätt. Först ta en sak och säga pip (inte högt, har aldrig velat visa för någon), sen skulle jag ta av allt en gång, pipa emellan sen kombinera allt 2 och 2, 3 och 3 och till sist säga stop. Om jag lyckades. Annars var jag tvungen att ta allt från början igen! Och det blev alltid virrigt efter ett tag. Sen var jag tvungen att träffa papperskorgen, annars skulle nåt hända osv.
Jag gjorde andra mysko saker också. Ville testa olika saker.
I tonåren hade jag panikångest ibland, och var deppig en kort period. Allt detta har gått över. Inget har varit överdrivet jobbigt, och jag har aldrig behövt hjälp. En grej har jag fått hjälp med och det är att våga tala inför grupper. Det gick bra, så det kan jag nu. Nu försöker jag sluta pilla, men det är mycket svårt! Men jag klarar det!

[Greta]

Thank you Ullan for writing to me!! Sad that you lost the long text you had written. It happened to me once as ell, and it is so irritating. I´m so happy that you are from Sweden too!

Egentligen skulle jag väl skriva på svenska, hoppas bara att inte folk här blir irriterade om de inte kan läsa. Vet inte om det finns några regler kring det. Att skriva på engelska kan vara knepigt. Man vet inte alltid om det blir riktigt rätt. Sedan är det så mycket jag skulle vilja skriva som jag inte kan uttrycka på engelska.

Jag har läst dina inlägg på Anankes sida. Det låter intressant med stödgruppen som du gått med i. Har de andra i gruppen också problem med att de pillar? Har du berättat i gruppen om ditt problem? Jag har aldrig berättat för någon om vad jag gör, förutom min man. Jag skulle tycka det var jättehemskt om någon i min omgivning visste. Samtidigt tänker jag att de kanske redan vet. Vissa dagar är det ju rätt synligt om man säger så. Men, de vet nog inte vad det handlar om, och hur allvarligt det är. De tror väl bara att jag klämmer finnar och är allmänt äcklig!

So much, on the swedish language, for now. I have picked a lot today, and I don´t feel well. I feel a lot of preasure from my work right now, and I think that influences me. But I am happy that you answered to my call on Ananke. See you!

[Pillanformer Ullan]

Hi Greta!

I´m happy to have find you. I don´t know if I explained well at Ananke. The group I was in only trained to talk infront of other people. They don´t know I picked my skin and the others didn´t do that.

I talk to some friends about picking my skin but that was before I knew it had a "medical term": CSP. That I won´t tell them! I only say things like: Oh I always pick at my face and things, I must stop. And they say they also do that sometimes. But I know I do it a whole lot of more time then them!

My boyfriend is a really good support. I have told him things I would never tell anyone else. Things I wouldn´t want to write in an anonomous forum. I hope we´ll not brake up, he he. I understand now that what you do is due to how you feel, and I don´t want to be my own victim anymore. I want to get rid of my bad thoughts and feel better.

When I make a good thing I feel very good afterwards and when I does something bad I feel... not good. So I really try to stay focused at this and make myself feel good. I don´t want to be my own enemy. I will win over my own enemy!

When I found out that others also had my problem about a week ago, I have gotten better. 50 days ago I made a list of days I had to be picking free and I would give myself treats when I had made 7 days, 10 days, 3 days more , and so on. But I didn´t make it one day! It was freaking difficult!

But a week ago I found out that others also were victims under CSP and that made me stroger. The last days I havn´t picked as much as I use to. But I havn´t succeeded one day yet. But now I look very beautiful in the mirror I must say, and that makes me proud!

And I have a rule that I follow. Stand a long way from the mirror. I broke that rule today and picked a little, but very little! After a while I said out loud: No I don´t want to! And I felt that picking is the enemy I´m going to beat!

Yeah!

[Greta]

Hi,hi... just want to tell the world that I have been pick free today! I hope I will manage this evening as well, and I´m looking forward to a nice pick free weekend.

Writing more later

[Greta]

Hi again!

That was a bit optimistic in last post, I think. I have picked again. But I think I can be satisfied as long as I don´t look terrible. I just want to be able to control myself. OK if I pick because I want to pick. But picking when I don´t want to, that is stupid.

[Greta]

Hi again Ullan! Interesting what you wrote about not managing one single day. It´s the same thing for me. I can minimise the picking, but not be totally pick free. If I don´t pick on purpose, at least I do it unconscious.

Thank you for writing. Sorry for misunderstanding that about the group you had joined. It looked a bit to good to be true of course, that there would be groups for this in sweden. It looks like "OCD-förbundet" has like meetings and stuff for there members, but I don´t know if I have OCD as I said before.

So, Pillan here on the site is you aswell! I will look more for your posts. If you want to you can become a member here on the site. It is easy, and you don´t have to reveal anything about who you are.

Im really happy that you look good in the mirror! I do too and I think we can encourage each other now. I´m planning to start doing ZT soon, (zero tolerance = no picking) but still I´m not enough motivated.