m's journal....... please read and SUPPORT ME!

[msp8]

(I realize this is a really long entry... so if you dont want to read the history of my skin picking problem then go straight to the bottom to read what I have decided to do about it.... hopefully I can get some feedback and maybe help others)


hey~ i just registered today..... i remember the very first time my skin was ever picked... i was probably in 5th grade and i was about to go to a basketball game. my older sister thought she would do something nice by giving me a makeover (i was in 5th grade remember... nobody was wearing makeup then). It was the first time I had ever worn any type of concealer or coverup... and i really didnt need to at the time because I didnt really have any zits. As she was putting the makeup on me she noticed that I had some blackheads on the side of my face by my temple. There werent very many but she thought she would do me a favor by picking them for me. She got a bobbypin and popped every single one of them. At the time i was young and impressionable so i figured that this was the right thing to do to get rid of zits.
From then on it became and giant slippery slope. Whenever I saw an abnormality on my face I picked it. This has been going on for 9 years now.
My skin has never been terrible, its not greasy or too dry, however I cannot recollect ever having completely clear skin. I have tried tons of medicines and washes. Washes rarely work... some of the medicine provided a little relief. Looking back I'm sure that some of the medicines would have worked if I wouldnt have been picking.
(Sorry if this is getting really long but its keeping my hands away from my face)
I can always feel when a new zit is forming which makes it hard for me to keep my hands off my face trying to cover the blemish that will soon become a gigantic zit. Whenever I would be out with friends and I could feel a new zit forming I would make excuses to go home. As soon as I would get home I would prop myself up on the sink, adjust all the mirrors so I could see every angle of my face. I would sit and pick until you couldnt see any healthy skin colored skin.... it was red and completely inflammed. I figured that if i just did it at night the redness would ware off by morning... which is just how it was in the beginning.
The picking soon became a daily ritual. whenever i would get home from anywhere i would go straight to the mirror to see if there was anything i needed to take care of.. even if there wasnt i would find the littlest imperfection and try to get rid of that... then id find the next biggest flaw and so on and so on.
If i picked during the middle of the day i figured i could just slap on some makeup to make the redness go away. Rarely did the makeup do the trick. The zits might not have been as red but they were definitely noticable, especially since i was using my nails and ripping my skin apart to pop the zits.
When I had to go out after I had picked I would do whatever I could to make my hair cover the inflammed skin... and if any of my skin would show I would get so embarrased, especially in front of my friends since all of them have perfect skin.


Enough about my skin history.... im trying to move past that part of my life. Until about a week ago this was how I lived, that was until I ran out of my tube of Clearasil Ultra (which was supposed to give me "clearer skin in 3 days") I didnt know what i was going to put on my zits at night so i went through my medicine cabinet and found a tube of the neosporin with bacitracin that i was putting on my tatoo when i first got it. I figured that it might clear up my skin since it helped heal my tatoo scabs.
When I woke up the next morning my skin seemed clearer and even felt more smooth. Within the next 2 days any scabs that I had from picking had almost completely disappeared. I started using Cetaphil to wash my face which also is seeming to work too. Since then I have only gotten 2 new zits which probably wouldnt have even formed if i wouldnt have picked. This was when i realized that what i was using on my face wasnt the problem, it was the fact that I was picking.

It has officially been 24 hours since I last picked my face and Im going to do my best to NEVER do it again. All day I have been thinking of the different things that I can do to deter myself from picking. So far I have put up signs on all of my mirrors that say "Dont Touch" (i figure that sign will get the message across to me and not be too embarrasing if anyone uses my bathrooms).

I have also been trying to find some inspirational quotes to put on my mirror as well. Whenever I find one i write it down... whever I get the urge to pick I get a piece of drawing paper and illustrate the quote so i can keep my hands busy and then i also have a prettier quote to tape up to my mirrors and anywhere else that i might be prone to pick.

SOOOOOOO........ if anyone has any quotes for me please lay them on thick... im sure these next few weeks are going to be the hardest to get through and im going to need something to keep me busy.

Thank you soooo much to anyone that took the time to read any part of this.... please let me know if there is anything else that I should be doing

[anonymousartist]

I like your idea about using quotes. Plus if someone else sees them they'll just read them and be amused. I have to find some for a class so I'll share if I get around to actually doing the assignment (hehe). I think Livejournal has a quotes community or something.

[msp8]

i woke really early today because i was scheduled to work at 10....... i was almost all ready by 9 when worked called to tell me i didnt need to come in today. i was really depending on working so i wouldnt think about my recent promise to myself not to pick... plus i needed the money. so there i was with nothing to do all day.......

i go to the mirror to wash the makeup off my face and thre it was... a new zit forming. a perfect one to pick because it wasnt quite a whitehead but i knew i could get something out of it. i take good hard look at it and it was like i had a devil and an angel on each of my shoulders. i lightly run my finger over it but this is when the angel takes over. i was deterred from picking during this hour, but i still had the rest of the day to agonize over the fact that i CANNOT pick at my face.

i was so happy with my decision to let the zit be that i proclaimed the good news to my boyfriend...."see this zit," i say.... "i am NOT going to pick at it" he says good for you. i guess i was looking for a happier reaction or something but i guess i shouldnt have seeing as how my boyfriend is blessed with perfect skin and even if he would happen to get a zit i know he wouldnt even touch it.

20 minutes later i still havent picked but my boyfriend leaves for school. i plop on the couch trying to find something to watch until my favorite soap comes on (passions). nothings was on... at this point i would normally have gone to bathroom to pick my face because i know the time will fly doing this. but i dont even make the effort to get off the couch, instead i get my chinese chime ball things and start rolling them around in the hand. yesterday i was horrible at doing this but by the time passions comes on im an expert at it and my wrists are really starting to hurt.

after passions there was nothing to watch again... so i get out my facial steamer and lay my face over for about a half an hour until theres a good game show on the game show network.

the whole day went by pretty good except im sure i can feel my lung cancer forming because by this time i have smoked more than half a pack of cigs. i didnt pick or squeeze at anything but i know that new zit is just waiting for me to attack.

my boyfriend comes home from school for about an hour then goes to work at best buy...... once hes gone the urge to run to the nearest mirror kicks in. but i again i resist only because i notice that i havent put my steamer away yet... so i fill it with more water and steam my face again.........

my boyfriend gets home from work at about 7... he brings me chinese food and some starbursts..... the movie panic room was on so i watch it. it was pretty interesting, i say this because i cant recall myself ever touching my face so it kept my occupied.

the movie gets over and i start watching some show about this chimpanzee that has been killing some babies in uganda (im a sucker for the discovery channel). but im interupted by my boyfriend jumping up from the computer... he spilled a huge glass of mountain dew all over the computer desk and keyboard... i tried helping but he got all mad at me like it was my fault. he was the asshole that brought the pop to the computer.... and he was telling me not to eat on our new couches in case i spilled some chinese food on them..... anyways he yells at me and tells me to stop leaning over his shoulder and to go take a bath or something.......

so now im pretty pissed. i take one look at my face in the bathroom and START PICKING!!!!!!! i was so frustrated, i knew i wasnt supposed to be but i had to do it. the funny thing is tho.. throughout this short battle i never even touch that new zit.......

maybe its a good sign... or not. but i do know that i have only picked my face once in the last 48 hours so i guess it might be a good sign... i dont know.. im still feeling good about this tho... im not ready to give into the temptation!

[Delilah]

Sounds like you are definitely making progress!! Hurray for you!! I have been a chronic picker for as long as I can remember. I often pick at the bottoms of my dry feet. What has helped me is to replace the negative compulsive behavior (picking) with a positive one. I get a big bottle of lotion and rub my feet every night or whenever I feel the urge to pick. Seems like keeping things moist (scabs, zits, dry skin), helps to keep you from having things to pick.

[msp8]

i was mad at my boyfriend yesterday for yelling at me when HE spilled the mountain dew all over the keyboard...... i didnt really talk to him much the rest of the night til we went to bed.

but now im really really pissed because my O, P, K, and L keys are really stick and hard to press down!

i was so mad that i couldnt even sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend so i slept on the couch. when i woke up at 12:30 he was already gone for work.... so i wont see him until 6. Even then he has to back to where we
moved from because his cousin is getting married, i would go but i have to work tomorrow (plus im still mad at him).

so i think ill use the rest of the night to do my nails..... my top priority is to cut them off... that will be depressing since i have really pretty long nails. oh well id rather have a clear face than ugly finger nails.

after my nails are done ill have the rest of the night to do nothing, which is what ive been doing all day. But that is not necessarily a bad thing because it truely is all i have done. i havent picked at my face at all!!!!! and it looks soooo clear. that new zit that i had yesterday is hardly even a zit anymore. just think, if i would have picked at it yesterday it would still be there. the bad thing is that i did notice another zit on the other side of my face in about the same spot. im not going to pick it because just like my other one, it may be gone tomorrow... hopefully.

i have been reading alot of other peoples journals and i realize that everyone has different things that they pick at. i guess im pretty lucky seeing as how i concentrate my picking on just my face.... and i do get some zits on my scalp that i dont think i will ever stop picking because i guess noone ever sees those. i used to get a few on my back and maybe one or two on my chest and i did pick at those. but those have cleared up a ton... plus i really didnt want people to see my back if i wore a tank top, so i guess if those can clear up without my picking then MY FACE WILL CLEAR UP!

when i was little i used to bite the insides of my cheeks until they would bleed. i always thought that no boy would ever want to kiss me because he would feel my nasty cheeks (thinking about it now i dont know how anyone would ever be able to feel the inside of my cheek but oh well) that helped me kick the habit right away.

i dont know why i dont treat my zits the same way. i mean they are so much more visible then some cut up cheeks. why dont i just go back to biting my cheeks.... maybe it wil make me forget about picking at my face.

right now im not too uncomfortable about my face becuase its pretty clear right now. i would definitly be able to go to the store with out makeup. but about about a month ago my boyfriend and i went to a friends apartment to kick off the college football season. i was outside smoking a cig and noticed a highschool friend walking by. i went and talked to her. she was going to another friend of mine's apartment 2 buildings down. so i had the brilliant idea of going with her to say hi. i was fine talking to her outside because it was dark and she couldnt see any zits. but once we got up to my friends i could feel everyone staring at my zits. im sure they were wondering what had happened to me since highschool. i tried to keep my distance and whenever i was talking i was putting my hands over my mouth (i had a huge attack of zits on my chin). i was so embarrased so i kept making excuses to leave. angie (my friend) told me i could stay the night with her and tailgate in the morning. there was ABSOLUTELY no way that i would be able to do that seeing as how i didnt bring any makeup with me and i wouldnt be able to pick in the morning when those horrible zits on my chin came to a head.
..... so i made some excuse and left as quickly and quietly as i could so i could avoid any hugs or anything that would bring attention to my face.

i left my friends.. went back to the other friends...
i was so embarrased i told my boyfriend i had to leave because i didnt feel good. i left and couldnt even wait til i got home to start picking... i was picking my face on the way home. i got home and picked even more.... my face was soo red.. partly from crying but mostly from picking.

i just dont want to be embarrased anymore......

[msp8]

i decided i have to start that 21 day program. i just have to resist from picking, and most of all touching my face. if i dont pick i wont get scars.. but if i keep touching then ill keep getting zits to pick at.

i hate all of those commercials that are about creams, lotions and serums for making your skin firmer and the such. it makes me mad because i would use that stuff if i had clearer skin. i wish i had something else to worry about besides zits. at least with worrying about tighter skin you would stilll have clear skin..... that rant didnt make much sense.. but i know what im talking about.

its so hard for me to not touch my face or look in the mirror. im always home by myself. my new job doesnt give me much hours and im not going to be starting school until december.

if i find myself picking at my skin and my boyfriend comes home i automatically stick my face into my steamer so the whole thing will become red from the heat. maybe he wont see that i have been picking. he knows that i have a problem but it doesnt seem to bother him. i dont have much scarring on my face but im afraid that someday i might.

this site has helped me see that others have the same problem as me. and it has also made me start noticing other peoples faces also. whereever i go i look to see if anyone eles has zits and if they may have been picked at too. i went to walmart the other day and the girl that was checking me out had scabs all over her arms. her face may not have been so noticeable because of all the freckles she had, however she did have makeup caked on her face and she had one of those "on the spot" dot things on her nose. i know i shouldnt be making fun of someone for doing that but i thought that those were overnight things, at least things you dont wear into public.

so im going to start my 21 day program thing right now at 4:18 pm. i dont know what im going to do if i wake up with a whitehead, but i guess ill figure that out when it happens. any ideas?

[msp8]

i think my face knows that i have made a decision not to pick it.... and its doing everything it can to make me pick it. my face has broken out a ton in the past few days. I THINK IM GOING TO GIVE UP ON THIS SITE. I HAVENT RECIEVED MUCH SUPPORT AND I CANT DO THIS ON MY OWN. i have told a few of my closest friends about this problem and they seem sympathetic however none of them have this problem so they dont know what to say. i figure if know one cares on this site then most people in the real world dont care either. other than my face i guess im happy with my life so why not just settle.

[Mary Ann]

:)Hi M

sorry no one's been supporting you. dont give up on the site I'm new to it but its helped me a lot just to find out I'm not a freak of nature and other people are like me. take care.

[msp8]

i guess i haven't given up entirely. i still come to this site, but not as religiously. i guess i just thought that by coming here it would completely solve my picking problem. i havent had many new breakouts. i found a tube of some medicine that my old dermatologist had prescribed for me ( i stopped going to the dermatologist when he killed him self.... i just never got a new one) but anyways ive been using it at nite. i remember he gave me 2 tubes, one to use during the day and one to use at nite.... the only one i can find is the one from the night. its called brevoxyl and some number i cant remember off the bat. anyways its been drying my face a little but it seems to be working. thanks for replying mary.... later everyone

[msp8]

right now i my skin is doing pretty good. i followed somebodys directions from this site that said that when i steam my face i should put some kind of healing moisterizer on my face first. i used neosporin and then steamed my face. i dont think i would be able to steam my face over the stove.... it always smells like somethings buring when my stove is on..... but luckily my mom won a facial steamer at some thing so she gave it to me......

i told myself that i gave up on this site... but i wanted everyone to know that i think i have made some good progress. i havent had really any "episodes"... but when i wake up with a whitehead i cant resist from picking it.... so really im not creating any damage.... sort of....

anyways i rewarded myself tonite when i went grocery shopping and i got some neutrogena vitamin lotion stuff that is supposed to fight acne and clear up red blotches on your skin. i have only used it once and my skin is already looking smoother... and the pores on my cheeks arent as noticeable.

im going to see some friends tomorrow and party since tomorrow is iowa's homecoming.... so im not going to be so self conscience since my skin isnt too bad. this isnt going to be a repeat of the last time i went to iowa city when i left as soon as i saw some old friends because i didnt want them to think how much i have unraveled since highschool. well... ill let everyone know how tomorrow goes... hopefully ill find that some old enemies have gained some weight or something.. thatll really make me feel good!!!!

[msp8]

tonight is going to be a big night for me... since i never go out anymore since i moved. i have only got 2 noticeable zits and they are on the side of my chin. they arent raised... just red now. so hopefully makeup will do the trick.

i picked a little this morning but not at the zits on my chin. i dont know why i do it. there is harldy anything there. i stopped myself before i could do any real damage so it wont be noticeable tonight. that multi-vitamin neutragena lotion has really smoothed out my face since last night. i have to make a commitment to stick to this lotion... it says it wont completely work for 8 weeks.... i dont think i have ever really stuck with a treatment, even when i was going to the dermatologist.

that zit on my chin was pretty bad when it was in it's prime. the other day at work i was working in the fitting room and i was talking to a customer. as i was talking i unconsciencely put my finger on the zit as to kind of cover it up so the lady wouldnt see it.... as soon as i did i realized what i was doing and thought "she must think im pretty gross". she probably wasnt even paying too much attention to it until i pointed it out to her. what was i thinking?

anyways... im not nervous about tonight... the only thing is that i have to stay the night because im not driving. my friend is going to pick me up and we are going to come back tomorrow. i dont know if i should bring makeup with me to do a quick touchup in the morning.... well im gonna go get ready.....i hope tonight is fun......

[msp8]

last night was ok in the fact that i didnt worry about my skin too much. but everyone seemed like they were a skeleton of themselves and i was the only one that hasnt lost any weight. so now i have a new goal...... i have to start getting more excercise. i have been eating more fruit.... which will probably have a good effect on my skin as well...

im too tired to do anything about it now since i worked all day. i have the day off tomorrow so maybe i can psyche myself up enough to actually go outside. we'll see what happens.

[Jackie]

Hi there msp8,
I have just read your whole post and found it very interesting because I can relate 100% to what you are saying.
I too am a face picker... though I haven't had a really bad episode in a few months now, which I'm very happy about. When I say a really bad episode, I'm talking about when I have a little pimple or whitehead or something (my face reacts to lots of things so I get bumps and blotches), and pick it in order to get it to go away. As we all know, that never happens, it just makes it worse. There have been numerous occasions when I have picked the zit so much that I have had a whole patch of raw skin, which takes ages to heal and can't be covered in make-up. I have hidden away many times, taken days off work and cancelled loads of plans because I can't face anyone seeing me like this.

Anyways, my skin seemed to get better when I went on holiday- maybe because of the sun. Infact, it was so clear that I went without make up for nearly 2 weeks. When I got back I decided that I had to keep my skin like that. Of course, as soon as I got back I started getting whiteheads and red bumps again but this time I tried to leave them (I was mostly successful!) Two weeks agao I read in a magazine that microdermabrasion was good to keep skin clear and they mentioned one called Crystal Clear Skin System. Well, I thought it was worth a try so I booked an appointment. The first time they did it, they put on all these products and a face mask, and I think my skin reacted a bit to that, but anyhow, it felt clearer and smoother afterwards. I then tried it out in a different salon, where they just do the microdermabrasion (it's like a stream of some type of gentle abrasive material which gets vacuumed up as it goes along). It was cheaper there too, which was a bonus! Anyway, it felt much better and my skin seems to have taken to it well. I am just washing my face with Clean and Clear deep cleansing cream, which amazingly doesn't seem to irritate my skin like most high street products do. I am having the microdermabrasion done again this week ( i have booked a course of 5 so far) I haven't had any new pimples come up and I am feeling a whole lot better about the whole situation.

Just thought I would share that with you!

Hope that your skin is behaving!

Jackie x

[msp8]

im was really loving my skin. that neutrogena multi vitamin stuff is really working... i havent had any new zits and i look better without makeup on. but when i woke up this morning i was sitting on the couch where the sun was shinging bright. for some reason i grabbed my compact to look at my skin.. bad idea. i saw 2 tiny blackheads that i thought i should get for some reason unknown to me. so i picked them... and some others.. and some others... it was the first time i picked in 2 days. i dont know what i was thinking. my face turned red of course. i took a shower and havent looked into the mirror since so i dont know what it looks like.

anyways i have been working a ton lately which will be good when i get my check. but last night i hung out with some people from work. we went and hit some golf balls. it was the first time that i have hung out with anyone from here so it was fun. now that im getting new friends i really have to stop my picking.

[onaccutane]

msp8 said:

right now i my skin is doing pretty good. i followed somebodys directions from this site that said that when i steam my face i should put some kind of healing moisterizer on my face first. i used neosporin and then steamed my face. i dont think i would be able to steam my face over the stove.... it always smells like somethings buring when my stove is on..... but luckily my mom won a facial steamer at some thing so she gave it to me......

i told myself that i gave up on this site... but i wanted everyone to know that i think i have made some good progress. i havent had really any "episodes"... but when i wake up with a whitehead i cant resist from picking it.... so really im not creating any damage.... sort of....

anyways i rewarded myself tonite when i went grocery shopping and i got some neutrogena vitamin lotion stuff that is supposed to fight acne and clear up red blotches on your skin. i have only used it once and my skin is already looking smoother... and the pores on my cheeks arent as noticeable.

im going to see some friends tomorrow and party since tomorrow is iowa's homecoming.... so im not going to be so self conscience since my skin isnt too bad. this isnt going to be a repeat of the last time i went to iowa city when i left as soon as i saw some old friends because i didnt want them to think how much i have unraveled since highschool. well... ill let everyone know how tomorrow goes... hopefully ill find that some old enemies have gained some weight or something.. thatll really make me feel good!!!!