Body Dysmorphic Dysfunction- My Story

[Dramaqueen]

I have had Body Dysmorphic Dysfunction since I was a teenager and it seems the older I get the worst it becomes. My first obsession was with my mouth, I thought it was too big and looked abnormal compared to everyone around me. It didn't help that several boys in my class decided to name me "Monkey Mouth" on top of it. At age 15 my mom let me get plastic surgery to extend my chin so that my mouth did not look so big. My self esteem became much better and for a while I was doing ok. Then I began to obsess about my teeth, the color, the size, my gums, you name it. Once again as a teenager my parents let me get veneers and teeth whitener to fix the "problem". Shortly after that I began to obsess about my breasts, so sure enough I financed a breast augmentation at age 19. It wasn't too long after that that I began to obsess about my skin, this would prove to be the mother of all obsessions. I would hold a magnifying glass up to my face and examine every pore for hours on end. Years later I am 26 years old and find myself constantly strutinizing and obsessing about my hands and my skin just as badly. I have begun to pick at my face in the hopes of "exfoliating" my pores and relieving them of any yucky puss or whitehead like juices. The obsession has gotten so bad that on more than one occasion I have had to cancel dates and call in sick to work because I have destroyed my face so badly. I am finding that it gets harder and harder to keep relationships because of my insecurities and the saddest part of all is that no matter what I do I never am perfect. I have always wanted to look perfect and I can never obtain this goal. In my mind I know that this is crazy but I feel so alone and ashamed that I can't stop hurting myself.
Does anyone have a similar story... I would love to know that I am not alone.

[tina]

Hi DramaQueen,

Great story, you’re not alone.

Here’s my story:

I was a frizzy haired, freckle faced kid. I was teased a lot and was called ugly by the kids at school. My parents never told me anything to the contrary. In fact, when I approached puberty, my father became pathological about my weight. He put me on a starvation diet and made me jog each night to lose weight (I was not fat at all). <By the way, I look at pictures of myself, I was a cute, pretty little girl.>

By Junior High, I was insecure and totally self-conscious. I did, however, manage to befriend the pretty and popular girls. High school was the same way- my friends were the “Voted Most Popular and Best Looking “type.

I would watch music videos, particularly Motley Crue and ZZ Top and sooo wished I could be like those video chicks.

Even though my friends were popular, I was highly unpopular. I was outcasted because I was the only white kid who listened to rap. In the mid-eighties this was not cool at all. Also, I wore baggy, unflattering clothes to hide my perceived fat. I dated “misfit” guys because I didn’t think I was worthy of anything better.

When I went to college, I dated a guy who made me feel sexy and attractive. I gave myself a semi-makeover and started to look a lot better. Around this same time, a couple of my high school friends started stripping. I decided to try a hand at it as well.

My friends in the biz gave me all the beauty tips I needed. Blond highlighted hair extensions replaced my frizzy red coif, bright green contacts over my blah hazel eyes, Dermablend covered my freckles and blemishes. Thanks to the lovely ladies at the Chanel, Mac, Landome, Clarins, Estee Lauder and Shiseido counters, my eyes became cat-like. My once shiny, porous nose was perfectly smooth and matte. My lips took on a Pamela Anderson-esque shape and poutiness. I found I even had cheekbones!

I worked out like fiend, sculpted every inch of my body. Hired personal trainers, got colonics, had two gym memberships. Ate protein and vegetables only. I went tanning religiously. I waxed, plucked and shaved to perfection. Then the fake boobs. Six inch heels gave me height, the lycra dresses accentuated my immaculate figure.

I became Barbie

I was a goddess, but still felt ugly. Inside I was still that homely little girl. Shy, insecure, less-than.

The competition in strip clubs is fierce. There is always someone that has longer hair, tighter abs, a better tan, larger breasts, a better ass.

I even drank and drugged myself to death to feel yet even more beautiful. And still felt hideous inside. Everywhere I went men and women both gawked at me. It didn’t matter, I remained that ugly little girl.

I quit dancing after 6 years of that havoc.

To this day, I am 80 pounds or so overweight. No more hair extensions, make up or tanning. No gym memberships, no $1000 a night compensation. Just a shell of an ugly little girl trying to "feel" better about herself.

[Dramaqueen]

Wow Tina I am so impressed with your story and how much you've shared about yourself. You are very brave and I want you to know that you are not alone.

When you say that when you were beautiful to others but still ugly inside I can completely relate. I get complimented all of the time and I usually just think the people either need glasses or don't really mean what they say. Even when you were a "Barbie" you still felt ugly so that should tell you that perfection isnt possible. People like us never feel good about our looks and probably wont ever truly feel completely comfortable in our skin...but there is hope. I think the busier we are and the more our lives are occupied by things that make us happy the more apt we are to not care so much about our appearance. I think that was horrible that your parents made you feel fat as a child and for that I am truly sorry. Although you see yourself as overweight and not so polished anymore I cant help but think that this is actually a good thing. You probably were too skinny anyway and you shouldnt cover up your natural beauty anymore. I believe that the experiences that have happend to you have happend for a specific reason and that is to teach you something. Maybe that lesson was to prove to you that perfection on the outside can still be lonely on the inside.

My advice to you is to congratulate yourself for getting out of that fake world and to stepping into the real world. Im sure you look great, not half as bad as you think. The past is the past and the future is golden so move forward with confidence you deserve it. I appreciate you sharing and I will try to take my own advice as well. Take care.

[skigirl]

Hi ladies!!! I have also spent time both as a beauty and as a beast. Well, I guess I was thought of by others as cute, but..... the hair wasn't quite right, I was a little bit overweight, I just never quite met the standard. Then I did some work, became more concerned about my hairstyle, clothes, shape of my body, etc., etc. What's so weird is that now, having lived both lives, I'm somehow more satisfied and I'm not at one extreme or the other. I still have misperception about myself, in that others see me slightly differently than I see myself. It's funny because I know that lots of other girls would kill to look like me, and couldn't possibly, just by matter of genetics. But in a way, that sort of gets them off the hook of even attempting perfection. D'ya get what I'm saying? It's like if you CAN be attractive, like if you've got a cute face and a body to be worked with, there's really no end to the available improvements. And the expectation only becomes higher the more you try and look better. So I've finally come to a point where I just said f' it. I'm going to look the way I want to look, and if somebody doesn't like, they don't have to look. I've let my unruly hair just do it's own damn thing, but get highlights just to brighten it up. I run and do yoga and pilates, so basically take care of what I've got. Just workin with nature the best I can. Besides, I'm so tired of people (men) liking me only for my looks. When I was an ugly duckling, some of my friends would make comments about how just once they wished a guy would want them just for their looks. But I gotta say, now having had it done to me lots of times, y'know how a guy will go out of his way to be Mr. Wonderful just to see ifhe can nail ya. Well, it hurts like hell. I even had a guy tell me one time that I shouldn't feel bad that he treated me like crap because he knew damn well there'd be someone else who came along right away. But being treated bad still hurts, and just because you have a pretty face doesn't mean you don't feel anything.

[Dramaqueen]

Thanks Skigirl you are a wise woman indeed. I agree with you about "Mr. Wonderful" if he only wants a piece of a$$. It is a shame that it has to be like that. From what it sounds like you seem to be doing better though, keep it up. Thanks for sharing.

[tina]

Wow, what a great thread! Thank you so much Dramaqueen for your words of compassion and encouragement.

And Skigirl, I so identified with what you said. I do find it somewhat liberating to "let myself go".

I really got so much out of this thread, it's really powerful!!!

[kimj]

I have a question about BDD. How do you know if you have it or not? For example, I have a crooked nose, uneven breasts and am a little chubby. Therefore, I am unhappy with these things (espically the breast part) and they bother me a lot. My skin also bothers me (as with most everyone on this message board). So how do I know if I have BDD, or if I am just bothered by these things because they actually DO exist and are not just preceived by myself?

[Dramaqueen]

BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER (BDD): A preoccupation somatoform disorder

Preoccupation with an imagined or exaggerated defect in body parts or body odor: “imagined ugliness”; concern of delusional proportion: see Michael Jackson

Significant distress and/or impairment; obsessed with staring at their deformity or with avoiding seeing their problems in a mirror

30% are housebound; 17% attempt suicide

no gender differences in prevalence; men are most often obsessed with their body build, their genitals and their hair loss; women are more often obsessed with their breasts and abdomens

usually begins in adolescence; ;average age 15

often related to paranoia, imagining that others are talking about or staring at them; comorbid also with major depression, anxiety and/or psychotic symptoms; about fifty percent of patients have a comorbid personality disorder

obsessive and compulsive behaviors that are compensatory are related: cosmetic surgery, camouflaging defect

treatment of choice: combination of SSRI (effective for both depression and OCD) and cognitive-behavioral group therapy

[kimj]

What I mean is, how do you know if your defect is "exggerated or imagined" as in BDD, or if it is actually there as you see it and you aren't just exaggerating it in your mind?

Another question:
Does this sound like BDD? I can never make choices. When I buy shoes or clothes it takes me forever to make a choice. I often buy two different sizes because I can't choose between them in the store. Then when I get home I spend hours trying on both of the sizes over and over because I can't decide which one I should return.
I rarely let anyone see me with out make-up and if I do it causes me a lot of stress. When I get a haircut I almost always obsess over it and go back to have something fixed. I recently got a haircut I didn't like and it caused me a great deal of stress and I was depressed over it, even though I know it is just hair and it was irrational to be that upset over it. I couldn't stop looking at it in the mirror and even though I wanted to stop thinking about it I just couldnt.
I am having trouble knowing if this is normal. For example, if everyone would be equally upset over a hair cut, or over which shoe size fits best or is this just me?

[lauryn]

maybe this
Obsessive compulsive disorders

Diagnostic Criteria
Either obsessions or compulsions:
Obsessions as defined by (1), (2), (3), and (4):

recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress
the thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems
the person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action
the person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)
Compulsions as defined by (1) and (2):

repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly
the behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive
At some point during the course of the disorder, the person has recognized that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable. Note: This does not apply to children.
The obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time consuming (take more than 1 hour a day), or significantly interfere with the person's normal routine, occupational (or academic) functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.
If another Axis I disorder is present, the content of the obsessions or compulsions is not restricted to it (e.g., preoccupation with food in the presence of an Eating Disorder; hair pulling in the presence of Trichotillomania; concern with appearance in the presence of Body Dysmorphic Disorder; preoccupation with drugs in the presence of a Substance Use Disorder; preoccupation with having a serious illness in the presence of Hypochondriasis; preoccupation with sexual urges or fantasies in the presence of a Paraphilia; or guilty ruminations in the presence of Major Depressive Disorder).
The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.

[lauryn]

also an interesting note on the haircut experience. i had the worst haircut of my life at 14. i cried and cried and cried. after that i vowed i would never let anyone have that kind of control over me. so i began cutting my own hair. i figured if it turned out horribly the only person i would have to blame would be myself. it works out extremely well. however i must say that ive had my head shaved for over two years now. the way that i view hair is extremely different than most women. im not attached to it so i cut it. i had som many different colors and cuts that ive given myself, i finally just did away with the hair preoccupation and shaved it all off.

you might want to try it.

http://surreal_killa.tripod.com/index1.html
this isn't me
www.headshaver.org/women/interview_katt.html
www.baldfemale.com/
these women are beautiful

[kimj]

Thanks for all the help! I love hair and I dont think I will ever shave it off (plus my head is werid shaped) The Thing about my haircut was that it was almost exactly as my previous one, and the problems with it were so slight, but I could not stop thinking about it and looking at it in the mirror.
As far as the BDD and OCD goes, I guess I really should be talking to a professional about all this, but there's no way I could afford it right now. I assume that I most likely have at least a mild case of both based on what I've read.
Thanks again!

[lauryn]

kimj heres some self tests.
www.adaa.org/Public/selftest_OCD.htm
panicdisorder.about.com/od/ocdbasics/a/quizocd.htm
members.aol.com/overcomeocd/test.html
and a good bdd site
www.4woman.gov/BodyImage/bdd.cfm

[Dramaqueen]

KimJ-
I think that a lot of girls worry about their hair and shoes to some extent, after all society puts enormous pressure on us to be beautiful. Where BDD comes into play is when the worry becomes an actual obsession that preoccupies you to the point of depression. For example, a couple of weeks ago I had a date with a guy that I had been drooling over for months. Driving to the place where we were going to meet I started to have a full fledged panic attack about my hands. I have kind of wrinkly hands where even if I put lotion on they still look like Ive been swimming all day. They really arent that bad but for the longest time I have been really insecure about them. All of the sudden I started to obsess about them and if he would think I was a freak, how I could hide them, etc. I called my best friend and told her how I felt and after a while she started to calm me down. The whole night I was terribly worried about them and hid them the best I could at all times. The whole night I was thinking about this to the point of actually feeling sick to my stomach by the end of the night. I absolutely could not get this fear out of my head and this happens to me alot. If its not my hands its my face and if its not my face its my mouth, etc. I have been like this since I was a child and I can remember being an adolescent spending hours on end in front of the mirror looking at all of my flaws and thinking how I could change them, I still do it as an adult and in fact I think its worse. I always feel like people are staring at my ugliness and if I receive a compliment I think the person probably is legally blind or just being nice because they want something. Constant thoughts and obsessions clutter my mind so much that my preoccupation with myself is starting to become unbearable. Just one day with a positive thought about me would be the most amazing gift from God that I can think of.

[kimj]

Thank you both so so much for helping. Lauryn it meant a lot that you took the time to show me those websites and they were very helpful. I fit the criteria of BDD so well that it was a little shocking to me.
Here is my one problem with it:
They define BDD as :
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a serious illness when a person is preoccupied with minor or imaginary physical flaws....
My problem is with the "minor or imaginary" part. What if my flaws are not minor or imaginary, what if they truly are major flaws and I am preoccupied with them rightfully so? I don't think that I am just imagining my flaws.
I am glad to find out more about BDD, but I also feel like there would never be any help for me. The website mentions that the therapy for BDD is that the therapist asks the patient to enter social situations without covering up her “defect.” and the therapist helps the patient stop doing the compulsive behaviors to check the defect or cover it up. This may include removing mirrors, covering skin areas that the patient picks, or not using make-up.
There is no way I could go a day without looking in the mirror. No way. And entering social situations without make-up would be a nightmare for me. I dont think I could ever do that.
Anyway, thanks so much for letting me vent. sorry for going on and on.