just thinking...about nothing really...

[facepick]

You know, I was just thinking about how much I say to myself "I want..." whatever. Like "I want to be in love", "I want to get married", "I want a happy life", "I want friends..." and OF COURSE, "I want to stop picking".

BUt, as much as I say that- I wonder- do I really want that? Do I really want to stop picking? I mean, YES I want to. But, what if I WANT to want to stop picking. Like, I dont' really want to stop subconsciously, it's only my conscious self saying "I want to". My unconscious self is like "this keeps me from every getting close to me. this keeps my father away from me. this makes me not the center of attention. this gives me an excuse to do nothing and get fat".

So, I just WANT to want to stop picking.

Great.

Kathy

[pickles]

You know I've read about how people feel that way. I think that pretty much explains how I am. I want to stop picking and I really want to start working out so that I can lose weight. But, I don't think that I WANT to want it that badly or else I would have made some progress by now, right? I hope what I said makes sense. Anyways, I know what you mean Kathy.

[firegirl]

here's my idea:

i know that my life would be much different if i didn't have this compulsion. i wish all the time that i could just stop-that i had never started. but i guess if my brain really wanted it bad enough, i would have done it-just like losing weight.

i think that, deep down, i don't really want to stop picking, i just want there to be no noticable marks to show that i was picking. i derive pleasure from the picking, it calms me. i just don't want to cause visible damage-to be able to see (and for others to be able to see) what i did to myself. does that make sense?

it's like smoking. i love to smoke, i like the taste and the deep breathing and the actual physical process of lighting, holding, and inhaling. it's almost a pasttime (gross, i know). i want to not have bad breath and smelly clothes, and i want to not get cancer or heart disease, but i don't want to not smoke.

i guess i want to not face the consequences of my actions. crazy, because i'm so mature in other areas of my life.

[kathy kathy]

That's an excellent analogy, firegirl. With the smoking- that's so exactly right on to what I'm thinking.

And, you know, I think that somehow it would be easier to stop if I just wouldn't have to see my face everyday, but I have to b/c I have to put on makeup and whatever. I mean....maybe not. But, I too LOVED smoking and I have friends who smoke, and it was honestly hard for me to be around them b/c I was tempted to do it. So, I left them when they smoked. Unfortunately, I can't leave my own face.

But, I can try to cover the mirror. AGAIN.


Kathy

[Canuck]

I think ya'll have hit this nail right on the head. It is a matter of WANTING to want to. And, honestly, I don't know that I do. It's like firegirl said, I want to pick. I just don't want the results (the sores and the scabs and whatever) that come with it.

Hopefully, it's just a matter of time before I truly want to want to. I might be this time, actually. The urge is significantly less, while the triggers (school, stress, and living in an apartment with a bathroom with ultra-bright lights) are probably more significant than before. I've done fairly well this week. We will see.

How do you trick yourself into wanting to want to? Any ideas? I know that I want to stay in shape. And I drag my ass out of the bed in the morning and exercise in some form (skating or a workout video usually) for at least an hour. Why do I want to do this? I guess it's so I can take care of my body. What makes me want to want to do this? Not a clue. Maybe it has something to do with the value system you're brought up in -- what you're taught to think is really important to do.

Well. I'm babbling. This entire post has been like chasing my own tail.