Scared.

[Canuck]

I've been back in school for one long week now, and my picking hasn't been all that bad. I wouldn't say I've made any real progress, but I also haven't torn my face up either, which I think is good considering the amount of stress school has already put on me.

Here's the thing: I just keep questioning how long it will last.

My picking is ALWAYS worse at school. My apartment here has really bright lights that show every little imprefection that I've ever had. It's so incredibly easy to go into the bathroom, "just look," and end up a mess 10 minutes later. I've already done it a few times, but the damage has been pretty superficial and healed quickly.

I'm getting better about not turning on the light in the bathroom, and holding off looking in the mirror until I'm fully awake (if I start picking straight out of bed, it's like I don't even realize what I'm doing to myself). But it doesn't seem like enough.

Nothing ever seems like enough!

Does anyone else feel that way? Like, no matter how much you do you'll never be fully prepared to fight yourself?

I need to get my driver's license renewed soon, so I'm using that as my current goal -- a clear face for the picture that I'll be taking everywhere I go for the next 4 years (when I have to renew again).

This thread is somewhat pointless, but I just felt like talking, I guess.

Well, I hope that everyone is doing well. I will try to stop in more often once I get used to being at school again!

Hugs and kisses to you all.

[obnoxa]

Hey Canuck,
It's good to hear you've been doing reasonably well with your picking! Don't set yourself up for your fall though (I know, I know, easier said then done), sure there's a possibility that you'll go on an all-out pickfest again but your making positive changes and taking it one day at a time and right there that's better then say, a month ago when you were giving in completely to the temptation. Any step is a step and that's all that's important.
(Oh brother, my excessively upbeat attitude this evening would be enough to make Tony Robbins want to vomit! ;D)

[Canuck]

Obnoxa,

You're right. I'm definitely setting myself up for failure. I am making little improvements, I think, but I don't see them as significant enough. Unfortunately, I like perfection far too much. It's not reasonable.

I found out yesterday that a girl I used to be best friends with back in preschool (!) and through second or third grade is living in my apartment building. I would really like to go and knock on my door and shock the hell out of her, but won't because:
a. my face doesn't look good enough to
b. I'm naturally shy, anyway.

While my normal skin picking habit is to search for anything that looks like something could be squeezed out of it, I'm mostly peeling off the scabs from the healing results of the afformentioned squeezing. Not making anything bleed, but the red, not-quite-healed patches of skin disgust me. All of skin picking disgusts me!

I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

[Canuck]

I'm in a bit of a rambling mood. So I'll just ramble on here.

I would never deny that I am competitive. I really am. Grades, athletics, everything. I'm not overtly competitive, but I am always secretly pleased when I do better on a test than a friend or something.

As sick as this sounds, I think I'm competitive about my looks, too. I like being thinner than my friends. I like when they tell me that they wish they had my hair. I do have some redeeming qualities about my physical appearance. And I think my picking is related to that. As I'm an inch from the mirror, inspecting myself, it's like I subconsciously tell myself "So and so wouldn't have a tiny bump there. Get rid of it." And then I pick.

The last week, I've been really good about not picking. But I haven't made any sort of conscious effort not to. It's like maybe...somehow...something is clicking in my head, telling me, "if you want to look better than them, you need to keep you hands off."

If I'm going to be so inwardly competitive about my looks, I'd like the little voice in my head telling me not to pick. I'd like that a lot, actually.

[obnoxa]

Canuck,
There's absolutely nothing sick about feeling that way. You're just admitting what millions of people feel but due to society are groomed not to say. Beauty products is a multi-billion dollar a year industry, it didn't get that way because millions of truly humble women wanted to make themselves look less attractive then those around them.
Competition is the driving force behind the human race, be it to outdo ourselves or to outdo each other. Some of the greatest atrocities man has committed can be attributed to competition, but so can our greatest creations. There is no shame in a healthy dose of competitiveness, and if you can effectively manipulate it to help you overcome picking then more power to you!

[Canuck]

I still think it's kind of gross that I feel the need to compare myself to my dearest friends, but...

Anyway. I'm done with this. For this week, at least, I'm giving up the picking. I need to get my driver's license renewed, and I want a clean face for the picture. Thursday is my goal, but Friday would be okay, too. If I can hold off, I'm taking myself shopping. That's all there is to it. I just want to make a goal and keep it.