Help!! I can't figure this out...

[shrinkingviolet]

Hi everyone,

Okay, my boyfriend of three and one half years proposed to me one and a half years ago. Now, he says that he doesn't think he can ever marry anyone.
He proposed about one month after I found out he'd been cheating on me (for a month, he bought her a Heart-shaped diamond necklace, and tickets to AZ to meet his parents, although I found out b-4 they went)
Well, he said I was being bitchy, and not paying attention to him, which may well be true, but at the time I was taking 22 credits. Try not to be bitchy!

Recently, my son was being a bit of brat and I sent him to his room. I turned to BF and said jeez, what's with him? He turned his head towards my son's room and said (loudly) "he's being and asshole"
Oh My God! I couldn't believe my ears! Luckily my son did not hear, but still...

On Christmas morning I got up around 7 to get things going. I'd been up till 3 the nite b4 and was very tired.
When my son got up, I had him go wake up BF. I waited about 15 min. and went in there myself. He was all crabby and wanted to know why I was cranky. I told him I'd been up all nite, and early too, and now it was his turn to help, and stomped out.

He came into the kitchen bitching at me, got right in my face, and I pushed him away. He got even madder and left for an hour and a half. My son saw the whole thing and was crying. My parents were due in 1 hr. and I was FREAKING OUT.

Last week, I went into the toolbar history to get to this site, and saw an email address I did not recognize. It was his employee number @yahoo.com. When he got home, I asked him and he told me it was his secret email.

After A LOT of bitching, he finally showed me it's contents. In the sent folder was a message to a female friend of his that said "Melissa (me) hasn't left yet. Hope she leaves soon. Cross your fingers"

??!?!?!

He says he didn't mean it, he was just mad, but he really doen't have a valid answer as to why. (something about I was crabby b4 I went to the store)

Aside from these things, he is really sweet. Obnoxiously sweet. He knows about the picking, and if I'm having a really bad day, he'll pick up my son from school, make dinner, etc.

I believe that he loves me, but he's obviously got some commitment issues.

I also believe that he's only cheated on me the one time, but I'm very insecure about it.

Should I leave him?
Or should we go to counseling and try to work it out?

[Maryjane]

i think he sounds like he's treating you badly. If someone's not 100% committed to you then they are NOT WORTH YOUR TIME, hon. Who wants to be with someone who just constantly undermines your confidence like that? you deserve better. You've got your son to think of as well - what kind of a role model is your BF being to him? also, if he sees you putting up with this kind of stuff from a guy, then he won't learn how to treat women properly, with respect.

Leave him. That's my opinion.

[Dreamer]

please, please leave him! I know it will be hard, but anyone, ANYONE who cheats on you is not worth your time. He is the one with problems...not you! And this relationship must be hard on your son...there is someone out there for you that will treat you (and your son) exactly the way you deserve to be treated! no one who truly loves you will be sending emails to other women saying they hope you leave soon...and just because you think he's cheated once doesn't mean he won't do it again...people like that tend to be repeat offenders....the best of luck to you!!!

[shrinkingviolet as guest]

Thank you guys for your advice. I'm sooooooo scared. I'm afraid to do it alone again, afraid he won't stay involved w/my son. If I do leave, I've got no means of support, which would mean I'd have to move 1300 miles away from him (back to MN)...... MN wouldn't be bad, but living with my parents would be, and it really cuts down the odds that he would stay involved w/my son.
Life really sucks sometimes. I think you guys are probably right though. Anybody else?

xxoo

[shrinkingviolet as guest]

Thank you guys for your advice. I'm sooooooo scared. I'm afraid to do it alone again, afraid he won't stay involved w/my son. If I do leave, I've got no means of support, which would mean I'd have to move 1300 miles away from him (back to MN)...... MN wouldn't be bad, but living with my parents would be, and it really cuts down the odds that he would stay involved w/my son.
Life really sucks sometimes. I think you guys are probably right though. Anybody else?

xxoo

[Helga]

I think you already know what you need to do. In your gut you know he is no good. For every 1 cheating incident you find out about, there is probably another that you have not found out about. It is scarry being alone- but it is amazing how resiliant we are. You WILL servive. Break off the engagement now. Do it for your son's sake. Would you want your son treating women the way BF treats you.... I think not.

Move back to your parents in MN & set a time limit for how long you will stay at their house: 3 months- 6 months. Get a job (or 2). Save the $. Put a down-payment on a house. You do not need a man to do these things for you. Do it yourself- it is very empowering. Also- it shows your son how a STRONG woman reacts when a man does not treat her right: she takes matters into her own hands!!!!

[Shrinkingviolet as guest]

Thank you, Thank You, Thank You.

It is so good to hear people care, who actually have my best intentions at heart.

xxoo

[louisio]

My opinion is also that you need to leave him.
Although you say he does have good points and some redeeming features you cannot ignore the fact that you are feeling unhappy. It is never acceptable to cheat on anybody and now, really, he should be so grateful that you have forgiven him and he should be treating you like a princess. But clearly he is not.

Of course you will be scared to leave him and to be alone, but without him you will be stronger, happier and you never know, you might meet a man who is a million times better.

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.
Lou xxxxxxxx