WHY?? Why do we do this???

[cjsmama]

???WHY??? Why do we do this to ourselves? I do it and I don't even realize I am doing it sometimes. How do I stop if I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm bleeding? I am 28 years old and I must have done this since i was around 14 when I started wearing make-up. I know that I am really anxious and nervous sometimes and that's when it seems worse. I am pretty confident; I get a lot of attention for my looks and it has been that way most of my life but I don't see the beauty! I get so disgusted with myself that I avoid mirrors all together. I do not pick in the mirror. I do it when I am reading, playing with my 2 year old daughter. When I see her skin, how beautiful it is, I want to slap myself. I also have eating disorders even though I was a dancer and what others always told me "in top shape" I just never thought so. I do know it is related to the skin picking though. Let me tell you, IT HURTS! Why can't I stop if it hurts??? I get so angry at myself. I can't heal because I constantly pick. I can't stop so I never heal. Now I am starting to scar a lot. As I was reading through the message board what was I doing???? Yup, I was PICKING! I cannot afford therapy nor do I have the time. I have a toddler and I am a stay-at-home mother. I need to seriously stop because I look like crap! I do not want to wear make-up on my face to cover up anymore. On top of that, I just recently started picking my arms and my upper back is a MESS! I can't even wear tank tops anymore and I live in a warm climate. I really want to stop but I can't even talk about it because I am so embarrassed. I do know that I worry a lot and I feel some sort of relief after picking. If I don't pick, I feel like I can't get picking that spot off of my mind!!! HELP!!!

P.S. I know this is a long message but I just remembered something important that I think I should add:
My mom passed away when I was 8 and so my grandmother raised me. She always marked me as the beautiful one in the family but always pointed out how I could improve this or that about my looks (she is the one that triggered my eating disorders). I could never please her...I think I was around 10 when she started this whole thing with me. I just want to stop picking already...