Post by Miss Aligned on Mar 1, 2005 8:12:05 GMT -5
Well, I finally speak out, after many years of silent, solo struggling and a few nights of vieiwing this website. I'm so glad this forum is here, for all of us.
I dont suffer from acne, but i do pick my face. My main areas tho are legs & breasts. I can relate to just about everything every one of you has already written and I probably fulfill every criteria for most labelling associated with this 'condition'; i'm a perfectionist; manic depressive; obsessive compulsive; paranoid; schizophrenic; you name it; i bet i've been there! I'm also psychic and of high intelligence; all of which adds to my hyper-sensitivity; and my up-bringing anchors me in a position where i all-too-easily turn every problem i encounter in on myself, leaving me feeling so internally impure that 'perceiving' imperfections under my skin gives me the ultimate excuse to convince myself that i can combat my demons. The trouble is, i do actually have these imperfections; i'm not inventing them! Ok, teeny black/whiteheads and blocked pores dont really need the excoriating i often lavish on them, but i figure this is only really an extension of my bigger problem. Whether it's ingrowing hairs or these funny white deposits i'm digging out, my legs especially would be pimply, raised at the follicles and transparent in certain lights even if i left them alone.
My breasts- i've had these stalky white fatty things present themselves since i had a premature baby 8 years ago (barely produced any milk; really had an emotional need to, to provide the antibodies for my little alien in the incubator so spent several weeks defiantly torturing myself with an electric breast pump anyway, leaving my tits small, saggy and unfriendly...) and even when i really haven't wanted to pick, they've been there, almost neon with their raised white lumps, teasing and provoking me in their imperfect state.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit here that i'm a counsellor and a writer- my own advice and ability to portray events succinctly seems to leap out of the window when i'm trying to deal with my own stuff- give me someone else's shit any day and i'll put it right; empowering any individual and inspiring them to find their own ways of self-help, but now i'm here, so much of what i have to impart seems weak and hypocritical.
So many times, i've found myself thinking 'that's it, i've cracked it!', only to beat myself up the next time i relapse. Probably the hardest thing to accept but yet the second-most crucial step in recovery (after admitting you have a problem) is admitting that we're actually happily wanting to do what we do - it is our CHOICE. I've spent years being a secret victim of myself; this condition; my crap skin - all of which i've found so unfair- and i dont do victim! Surely that's the point? I will not kick and scream and throw tantrums at the world and i certainly dont blame any god or superior force - i blame myself and so perpetuate the cycle. This did not help identifying the fact that i was indeed having a huge internal hissy fit (as only victims do) for so long. Once you give yourself permission to 'own' the knowledge that, actually, a part of me really enjoys the release; the drama; the pain; the bleeding; the braveness/cleverness of partaking in activities that 'normal' people would be horrified at; the sanctimony of believing it doesn't really matter anyway; the satisfaction that your external appearance (albeit hidden, maybe) matches your internal persona; the obstacles and complications that you are deliberately placing between yourself and your personal, social, career or sex lives; only then can you even begin to move towards recovery.
Once you begin to acknowledge that this part of you is real (and it is only a part of you), then you begin to de-mystify your demons. Telling people you've always feared finding out about it in a matter-of-fact way is also a powerful therapy.
For the last year or so, i've found myself in picking scenarios; listening to a new voice that's just ever-so calmly stating: 'just put the pin/tweezers down. just walk away.' Sometimes it works, but not always.
I cant get my head around these various recovery programmes - even tho i know they can be very effective. (Again; i'm a counsellor; how lame are these admissions?!) I've done the keeping-journals thing; mapping triggers, etc, etc. Trouble is; they will not work if you're not ready to take that step. All the time you've a drive to passify such a need (choice), you'll be working in conflict with yourself if you aim to convice yourself in your waking world that you want to stop and, in my experience (firsthand and with clients) that does not serve to bridge or align the root of these personality-based anomilies.
I go from thinking one moment i need to address the psychological aspect to believing that if my skin was better the excuse would not be there and it'd all be ok. I wont entertain pharmaceutical medication (personal choice) and have tried a number of alternative therapies and treatments; again; some have been more effective than others, but i tend to resort to picking again at some point.
On a positive note; since realising my superbly-disguised victim role and de-mystifying my situation by talking about it to 'normal' people (some say they cant relate to it, whilst gnawing at their fingers or chewing their mouths out from the inside - some totally get it, even if their equivalent is retail therapy or drinking, etc...) i have continued to get better. My picking sessions are shorter and less-frequent, and my tendancies to be nicer to myself are increasing. Also my perception of how big a deal it is AND how bad my skin is in its natural state are less dramatic. That's where the calm 'leave-yourself-alone' voice came in, i guess.
I shall come back to this site regularly as i hope some of you may wish to comment on what i've said, and any advice anybody has to offer me would be appreciated. There's so much more i have to discuss- i've also abused dope for many a year (currently de-mystifying my own bullshit on that subject, too!), and i know that's had a profound affect on my personality and picking tendancies and i'm really interested in other factors that some of you have raised, such as sugar intake, diet, etc.
I'm vowing to myself that next time i get an urge to pick i'll come online and tell someone here instead - why dont some of you join me in that promise to yourselves?
Wishing all of you love, light and maybe a bit of luck in your lives - let's try and crack this shit together!
ps- does anyone else out there transfer their picking desires to others? as i said, i dont really ever suffer from facial spots myself, but i'm a bugger for a boyfriend with interesting pustules, and i've even shocked myself by poking around my son's face and, a few years ago, my poor dog bore the brunt of my sickness when she had a weeping lesion of some kind. (luckily, i appear to have got these excessive tendancies back in check and now keep them for myself again)
I dont suffer from acne, but i do pick my face. My main areas tho are legs & breasts. I can relate to just about everything every one of you has already written and I probably fulfill every criteria for most labelling associated with this 'condition'; i'm a perfectionist; manic depressive; obsessive compulsive; paranoid; schizophrenic; you name it; i bet i've been there! I'm also psychic and of high intelligence; all of which adds to my hyper-sensitivity; and my up-bringing anchors me in a position where i all-too-easily turn every problem i encounter in on myself, leaving me feeling so internally impure that 'perceiving' imperfections under my skin gives me the ultimate excuse to convince myself that i can combat my demons. The trouble is, i do actually have these imperfections; i'm not inventing them! Ok, teeny black/whiteheads and blocked pores dont really need the excoriating i often lavish on them, but i figure this is only really an extension of my bigger problem. Whether it's ingrowing hairs or these funny white deposits i'm digging out, my legs especially would be pimply, raised at the follicles and transparent in certain lights even if i left them alone.
My breasts- i've had these stalky white fatty things present themselves since i had a premature baby 8 years ago (barely produced any milk; really had an emotional need to, to provide the antibodies for my little alien in the incubator so spent several weeks defiantly torturing myself with an electric breast pump anyway, leaving my tits small, saggy and unfriendly...) and even when i really haven't wanted to pick, they've been there, almost neon with their raised white lumps, teasing and provoking me in their imperfect state.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit here that i'm a counsellor and a writer- my own advice and ability to portray events succinctly seems to leap out of the window when i'm trying to deal with my own stuff- give me someone else's shit any day and i'll put it right; empowering any individual and inspiring them to find their own ways of self-help, but now i'm here, so much of what i have to impart seems weak and hypocritical.
So many times, i've found myself thinking 'that's it, i've cracked it!', only to beat myself up the next time i relapse. Probably the hardest thing to accept but yet the second-most crucial step in recovery (after admitting you have a problem) is admitting that we're actually happily wanting to do what we do - it is our CHOICE. I've spent years being a secret victim of myself; this condition; my crap skin - all of which i've found so unfair- and i dont do victim! Surely that's the point? I will not kick and scream and throw tantrums at the world and i certainly dont blame any god or superior force - i blame myself and so perpetuate the cycle. This did not help identifying the fact that i was indeed having a huge internal hissy fit (as only victims do) for so long. Once you give yourself permission to 'own' the knowledge that, actually, a part of me really enjoys the release; the drama; the pain; the bleeding; the braveness/cleverness of partaking in activities that 'normal' people would be horrified at; the sanctimony of believing it doesn't really matter anyway; the satisfaction that your external appearance (albeit hidden, maybe) matches your internal persona; the obstacles and complications that you are deliberately placing between yourself and your personal, social, career or sex lives; only then can you even begin to move towards recovery.
Once you begin to acknowledge that this part of you is real (and it is only a part of you), then you begin to de-mystify your demons. Telling people you've always feared finding out about it in a matter-of-fact way is also a powerful therapy.
For the last year or so, i've found myself in picking scenarios; listening to a new voice that's just ever-so calmly stating: 'just put the pin/tweezers down. just walk away.' Sometimes it works, but not always.
I cant get my head around these various recovery programmes - even tho i know they can be very effective. (Again; i'm a counsellor; how lame are these admissions?!) I've done the keeping-journals thing; mapping triggers, etc, etc. Trouble is; they will not work if you're not ready to take that step. All the time you've a drive to passify such a need (choice), you'll be working in conflict with yourself if you aim to convice yourself in your waking world that you want to stop and, in my experience (firsthand and with clients) that does not serve to bridge or align the root of these personality-based anomilies.
I go from thinking one moment i need to address the psychological aspect to believing that if my skin was better the excuse would not be there and it'd all be ok. I wont entertain pharmaceutical medication (personal choice) and have tried a number of alternative therapies and treatments; again; some have been more effective than others, but i tend to resort to picking again at some point.
On a positive note; since realising my superbly-disguised victim role and de-mystifying my situation by talking about it to 'normal' people (some say they cant relate to it, whilst gnawing at their fingers or chewing their mouths out from the inside - some totally get it, even if their equivalent is retail therapy or drinking, etc...) i have continued to get better. My picking sessions are shorter and less-frequent, and my tendancies to be nicer to myself are increasing. Also my perception of how big a deal it is AND how bad my skin is in its natural state are less dramatic. That's where the calm 'leave-yourself-alone' voice came in, i guess.
I shall come back to this site regularly as i hope some of you may wish to comment on what i've said, and any advice anybody has to offer me would be appreciated. There's so much more i have to discuss- i've also abused dope for many a year (currently de-mystifying my own bullshit on that subject, too!), and i know that's had a profound affect on my personality and picking tendancies and i'm really interested in other factors that some of you have raised, such as sugar intake, diet, etc.
I'm vowing to myself that next time i get an urge to pick i'll come online and tell someone here instead - why dont some of you join me in that promise to yourselves?
Wishing all of you love, light and maybe a bit of luck in your lives - let's try and crack this shit together!
ps- does anyone else out there transfer their picking desires to others? as i said, i dont really ever suffer from facial spots myself, but i'm a bugger for a boyfriend with interesting pustules, and i've even shocked myself by poking around my son's face and, a few years ago, my poor dog bore the brunt of my sickness when she had a weeping lesion of some kind. (luckily, i appear to have got these excessive tendancies back in check and now keep them for myself again)
