I feel like I've tried everything

[Jamie]

Hi, I just discovered the board right now after spending and hour and a half in my bathroom, abusing my skin and thinking to myself the entire time, "why am I doing this? I hate this," like usual. I started squeezing my pores when I was twelve after my mother made a comment that I had a blackhead. I didn't know what it was, and was horrified by it. I came home and attacked it. I'm 19 now, and over the years I've regressed from doing it once a month to once a week to every other night. I get so frustrated with myself. I'm a pretty girl with relatively smooth skin when I leave it alone, but I can't stop digging into my pores. I use proactiv, which has helped reduce the actual clogging, but I know picking at it just makes it worse. I have never told anyone about my problem because I'm so ashamed of it. I'm too afraid to see a psychologist (even though I've worked for one for the past year) because I don't want to bring up any past pain. I've tried other solutions. I've tried cutting my nails so short that I can't use them, but then I realized that I can't open a can of soda or scratch an itch or untie my shoes, and people make comments about how short my nails are. And I'm engaged now, so I'm more conscious of how my fingers look. I've tried keeping a log marking the days that I pick and keeping it next to my mirror (disguised as something else ofcourse, to keep my secret incase someone paid attention to it). I've tried avoiding the mirror, which seems nearly impossible. I've tried using other similar behaviors to replace the picking, such as cleaning and trimming my nails, and giving them much attention, but it just didn't satisfy me. Usually to attempt and remedy the damage, I'll scrub the dry skin away and apply a couple layers of aloe. If it's really bad, I may use an icepack, but that only seems to dull the pain and temporarily calm the swelling. I really want to stop picking at my pretty skin, as I'm sure all of you do. I can't really imagine life without it, but I hope that coming to this forum and actually talking about it will help me. I'm going to try leaving the bathroom lights off at night, since that's the usual time, before and/or after I shower. I'm hoping and praying I have positive results. I'm tired of spending an hour picking at night and an hour covering it up in the morning, and feeling such anger and frustration twoards myself.

[sango]

I don't have anything useful to say, as I'm pretty much right there with you. The light in my bathroom is out at the moment, and I can't replace it, I think it has actually been a deterrent. I have not picked as much as I would expect with so much stressful crap going on in my life. Until tonight that is...the bedroom mirror doesn't have enough light but that didn't stop me tonight. I wish I could just stop this.

[Mary Ann]

welcome Jamie,


I'm glad you found this site . It is helping me in that I know know I'm not a freak and the only one in the world who lives with this demon. knowing that sooo many others are dealing with the exact same thing has helped my selfesteem and liking myself more or excepting myself more I should say has helped me be nicer to me and not pick as much . I hope it helps you also .

[jamielee]

Thank you for the welcoming. It's a relief that I don't have to be embarassed here, because everyone has the same problem I have. It's unfortunate that others suffer with it, but I'm greatful that I'm not the only one. I've decided to give myself an ultimatum. If I can't stop, or decrease my picking significantly (to almost not at all) within the next 4 months, I'm going to seek professional help. I've been thinking about getting therapy, but I've been afraid of telling my mother that I need psychological help. I can't afford therapy on my own or else I wouldn't tell her, but I'm even more afraid of continuing to ruin my skin. Some of the people on this board have been doing it for 30+ years. I don't want 10 or 20 years to go by of living with this.
I really appericiate any support I get.

[sunshinefunk]

Hey Jamie,
Thanks for joining us. I've been thinking about seeing a psych too. I could go to my school's health center, but i don't know if they have even heard about what we have. I know I need help, but i don't know if i want to be on medication. I've heard some horror stories, but then again, some near miracles have been made. Let us know what you decide and good luck in your four month journey to quit.
sunshine

[Canuck]

Jamie,

I'm a week late in welcoming you, but I thought I'd do it anyway.

I totally, totally understand the stress that picking is causing you. Please realize that coming to this board can be an enormous help in reducing your picking and, eventually, stopping all together.

I don't know what your life is like, but I'll offer this suggestion to you: keep busy. The best thing I ever did for my skin was take a super-busy vacation. I went on the vacation with a mess of a complexion, and when I went home (having had no time to pick) my face was blemish-free. It was a big wake up call.

Since I can't be on a busy vacation all of the time (unfortunately), I keep myself occupied with a lot of different activities. Besides work, I take kickboxing classes at a gym every night, I play soccer, I figure skate, I knit, I spend time with my family...all things that keep me away from the mirror, away from thining about how my face looks. Ignoring my face completely seems to work the best for me. Try to keep yourself so busy that you're practically crawling in bed at night...it's really worked for me.

[jamielee]

Thanks! I have actually found alot of help from this site. I just didn't have the motivation to stop before, but I've been trying really hard and I've reduced my picking alot. I even started a ZT journal.

Thanks everyone!

Jamie Lee

[princesscelexa]

hi jamie,

i just wanted to say that i felt like you did when i was your age and it was horrible. i was even already seeing a psychologist but never even thought to address it. my sister actually has the "adult chicken pox" look but i'm sure she's never even seen a psychologist about it. but it actually is a very real occurrence, sometimes called acne excorieé, and other places it is listed under "self-injury". now i bet you thought self-injury was limited to cutting? it isn't. cutting, burning, interference with wound healing (scab-picking), digging compulsively at one's face in search of elusive pimples or clogged pores . . . it all falls into the same category and varies GREATLY in severity.

even though a large amount of people who self-injure were abused as children, a significant amount were not. it exhibits a lack of coping skills. i will post a link i just found if you are interested. it might make you feel not so strange, and it is always helpful to be prepared even when you DO start seeing a therapist. trust them, but keep in mind--they're only human. they don't ALWAYS know everything.

a lot of times an SSRI (zoloft, paxil, prozac, or TA-DA celexa) can be helpful in controlling the urge because they lessen anxiety. it is thought that this compulsion has physiological cues as well as behavioral, not it is not always simply a case of mind over matter.

i tried prozac first and it didn't help my depression (the picking stopped, more or less, about ten years ago. the really severe, habitual daily stuff. i hid it because on your face it's too obvious. but, there will be occasions when i revert to it if i don't watch out.) but there are tons and tons of options, so if one doesn't work, try another. good luck!

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