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Post by Marnie on Jun 7, 2004 16:03:05 GMT -5
Hello!
I am new to this site and am very excited that I have found it! Just reading your stories offers me support that I never knew existed.
The reason that I am posting today is because I have been married for one year (in fact today is my one year anniversary) and all of a sudden my husband is threatening to leave me due to my picking and being overweight. I have always picked (arms) and I have always been overweight however; my picking has reached a whole new level in the last two years. I have moved from just picking on my arms to my face, chest, thights, and stomach. He tells me that he is going to leave me b/c he can not stand to look at me any more. He gets very angry at me and calls me names even breaking our personal belongings b/c he is so "frustrated". When he does that (I think he is bi-polar but, refuses to get help), it triggers my picking which makes the situation worse. I can not quit doing this to myself and I do not want to be divorced b/c of something like this... I am only 23! This is the worst feeling of emptiness I have ever felt in my life. If there is anyone out there in the same boat please share your story with me and how you delt... Thanks in advance!!
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Post by skigirl on Jun 7, 2004 16:24:52 GMT -5
Hi Marnie
I too am presently contemplating divorce. I've been married for nine years. The first thing you need to understand is that if he does leave you, it has absolutely nothing to do with your weight or your skin. IT'S ALL HIM AND HIS ISSUES. Sometimes guys like to make excuses and he doesn't want to say that he's giving up on marriage just because he can't handle it. Thin women, overweight women, beautiful women, good skin, bad skin, whatever, it just happens sometimes that men leave. He definitely has an anger issue and that has NOTHING to do with you. On the other hand, your picking and your weight also has nothing to do with him. He behaves aggressively and you abuse yourself sometimes as a result of each other's behavior, but that's just your ways of coping. You would do this whether he was the one upsetting you or if it was something else, because that's who you are. What you need to concentrate on is treating yourself better, despite what he does. Go ahead and make yourself your own priority and be good to you, no matter what.
My biggest concern for you is ARE YOU SAFE?
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Post by Marnie on Jun 7, 2004 16:49:26 GMT -5
Skigirl-
Following up to your reply (thanks by the way!) I agree with you that he is just looking for a way out of our marriage and this is his way... to blame it on me, just as he does everything else! I am so unhappy right now and have been verbally abused for so long that I do not know how to get out of the life that we have made together (prior to getting married we dated for 6 years). He has never hurt me physically but, the wounds that he leaves inside with his name calling, his fits of rage, and blaming me for anything and everything that goes wrong...hurt terribly. I need to take a stand for myself and be a strong women and get out of this unhealthy situation.
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Post by Margaret on Jun 7, 2004 17:12:04 GMT -5
Dear Marnie!
You need to get out of this destructive relationship, obviously he's got issues and he's trying to take you down with him! Don't let him, you know you deserve better! He should support you and understanding you've got problems, instead of putting you down.
You're only 23, you've got your whole life in front of you, what about a fresh start?
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Post by anonymousartist on Jun 8, 2004 0:00:28 GMT -5
Marnie,
First of all much love to you for staying strong. I know it must hurt to think of it but I'm glad to hear you are thinking of getting out of this marriage. (My mom was married to my abusive father for 17 years. She went through hell to get out when I was 11, he put us through that hell, but I am forever grateful that she did get out).
Verbal abuse is as serious as physical abuse and you haven't done anything wrong to deserve it. You may feel all sorts of guilt, because it's what you've been made to feel but you are not a lesser person and you are not guilty. You deserve better. Everyone does. You shouldn't have to live in fear.
If you want to change your weight and picking habit you need and deserve love and support.
I think where it is headed (and these things tend to get worse), if you don't want to end your marriage you both need some professional help involved. Whoever helps you needs to know everything that is going on from both you and your husband. Your husband needs to learn to control himself (don't you see that it is beyond even his control, there is no possible way you could control it for him?) and if he is bi-polar then it needs to be treated (this disease is known to be get worse without treatment).
If he refuses to get help, you need to leave the marriage. You won't be doing the wrong thing, you'll be doing the courageous thing. This will not make you a failure. You just don't deserve to be trapped in a deteriorating marriage. The longer you deal with something like this without help the worse it will be for both of you. I know you must love your husband very much and this must be very hard to even admit to, but the worst thing that can happen to you and your husband from this is that you both get help, if you take action.
What you should do is go ahead and look up a women's resource center in your area and contact them. They can provide you with counseling (usually on a very modest sliding scale if you don't have money), legal advice, protection, and most importantly, an abundance of support. These people are professional, committed, wonderful, friendly people who really will have your best interests in mind. The thing is, all of that verbal abuse and fear of temper and things smashing has probably done some emotional damage to you, and the support of a counselor can help you get through it. These are people who want to help you.
*******If at any time you fear your husband may hurt you physically (even threatens it) call 911.*********
You don't have to wait until you are already hurt. Police would rather find nothing's happened than find someone has been hurt. Don't let fear of what may happen to him stop you from calling (the sad thing is nothing usually happens, or he'll just be remanded to stay the night somewhere else and cool off) becuase the worst punishment he will recieve is being forced to get help.
If you want to talk, you can feel free to IM me, USFbrothel on AIM.
--someone who knows what it's like to see things smashed up in front of her.
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Post by just a girl on Jul 6, 2004 15:28:49 GMT -5
First I just want to say, he has no right breaking stuff or being abusive towards you.
Second, and I'm sorry to say this: It may not be "His issues" maybe he just can't stand to watch you destroy yourself.
I came to this board because I am engaged to a hand picker/biter and it's gotten to the point where I don't know if I can go through with the wedding plans... It bothers me so much when he starts gnawing on a thumb, I can't even sit still. I just want him to stop doing this to himself. But he doesn't seem to believe there is any way to stop. I just don't know if I can live with that for the rest of my life.
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Marie
New Member
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Post by Marie on Jul 6, 2004 19:26:13 GMT -5
just a girl...
your fiancee probably feels worse about his biting/picking than you will ever realize...you should be sensitive to his problems...and realize that it is a psychological problem that is not easy to stop. He doesnt want to destroy his hands anymore that you don't want him to. Maybe you should show him this website so that he can get the support that he needs...since it seems as though you aren't giving it to him.
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Post by shadow on Jul 6, 2004 20:32:33 GMT -5
Oh my!! Sorry this is my first post, but I just couldn't help it... Just a girl is going to leave her fiance because what, he gnaws on his thumb? What an absolutely crazy thing to not only judge someone on, but to leave someone for!!! I wouldn't call that love at all... maybe u shouldn't marry him..save him the pain of you leaving him for some other silly reason!!  Sorry, had to get that out there. I'm a skin picker too.. has become MUCH better since I am alomost done with accutane.. just one spot I pick at on my face, and I've got a few sores on my arms.. but since finding this website (I've been lurking for months!)and another website for BDD'ers and talking to other CSP'ers, I have greatly greatly improved. So thanks everyone, I haven't registered yet, but felt compelled to post!! Shadow  |
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Post by Marnie on Jul 6, 2004 21:41:33 GMT -5
Hi Marnie,
First of all, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I think your smart for picking up on the fact it is not your issue, but defintely your husband's. You definitely deserve better.
I can relate to what you must be going through, because I have gone through the same. My picking gets worse when I am around this person. I have learned that I need to keep my distance from him and to set my bounderies with him. After hearing your story, I feel a sense of relief in knowing that I did not go through marrying him.
You deserve someone that can love and support and encourage you through your problem not make it worse. Your attraction to him maybe a self-destructive tendency that you possess. He sounds exactly like my ex. He sounds like a very insecure, immature, controlling man. I believe when you are emotionally immature, it makes it very difficult for a person to be availabe for their partner.
I also think that he sounds like he has a bigger problem with impulse and anger. He very well maybe bipolar.
Just remember to take care of yourself and do what ever you need to do to accomplish that. He needs to help himself, but he is going to have to realize that on his one.
Just remember he will never learn to respect you and your bounderies, until you learn to repect and love yourself enough to draw your bounderies. If that means that he leaves you, then it is going to be his loss and your gain. And I mean your gain.
loves
princessdrp
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Post by princessdrp on Jul 6, 2004 21:55:54 GMT -5
Hi, sorry the last post was from me, princessdrp. Forgot to login first, new to this site.
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Post by Mechele on Jul 31, 2004 20:12:52 GMT -5
Marnie, I saw your thread, and it was written on my 26th b-day, what a coincidence.
I was in a relationship (3 children too) for 9 years, and we separated because of problems that he had, but throughout all of the arguments, put downs etc., he NEVER resorted to attacking my problems with picking or depression, or my physical appearance after a bout with picking. In fact, when I cried and said I just couldn't stop, and covered my face when he wanted to look at me, he would say that I was beautiful. No matter WHAT you go through or do, there are certain things that people do not say when they truly love you. He should be in support of you at all times, and if he's not, and his criticisms make your picking worse, then you are better off without him even if the break up is painful. It's hard enough when you have this disorder, the LAST thing you need is a non supportive, abusive husband. Break away, and spend some time with YOU, learning about yourself, and surround yourself with caring people.
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