20 year secret

[EllemElle]

Hi everyone. I know you all will understand when I say how surprised I was to find this site and to read about people like me with this secret. I have been face picking since I was 12. I am now 35. I see that there are many of you who also started at the beginning of puberty as well. I have never spoken to anyone about this problem, except my mother when I was still living at home. She used to yell at me, get angry and even tried the approach of bribery, begging and wanted to take me to a doctor. I was always too afraid to go, certain that he would find me crazy and have me committed or put on drugs. I still feel guilty, as I know she can see that I still do it, but now she doesn't ever mention it.
I have also picked at my arms, back, top of thighs and butt cheeks. I have quit those (very occasionally attacking my arms) but the time I spend on my face has been very hard for me to let go of.
I have found myself in front of the mirror when I really want to be playing with my small son. I can hear myself telling him - I'll be with you in 2 minutes, and am horrified when I look at the clock and 30 minutes have gone by (and he no longer wants to play with me)
Not a good feeling.
Or I get up in the middle of the night (does anyone ever get "restless arms or legs?) and stand in front of the mirror for 2 hours (until my feet are swollen or I get dizzy) My husband does not know about me, and sometimes comments on my time in the washroom (I tell him I am constipated) He must see how terrible my face looks sometimes.. and I wish I could stop. Sometimes I go for a day or two, especially if I go away, but the first thing I do when I get home is look in the mirror.
I know that there are reasons why I do this, and also feel that if I were an alcoholic, or a smoker my "habit" would be less of a secret and far less shameful.
Thank you very much for allowing me to get this off my chest. I hope this is a step towards healing that will work! Take care all
LML

[Me2]

Hiya!
Yes, I can relate to your surprise at finding the board. I have restless legs syndrome too! I get it in my arms and legs every day. After a few really bad nights of no sleep, I will usually throw a fit and then ry myself to sleep. The feeling drives me absolutely crazy! However, I have found a few things that help. In the summer try a frozen hot water bottle at your feet (with a towel over it so you don't freeze your toes). I don't know what you think about this but a bit of marijuana on bad nights will put you to sleep. I haven't had to do that since Christmas though, because I started a medication called GABA Pentin. It is an anticonvulsant used for epilepsy. It is a neuro inhibitor-basically slows down the frontal lobe (i think). I take it at a low dose 300 miligrams/3 Times a day. I haven't been "twitchy" since I started it. It is also called Neurontin sometimes.

Anyway, I hope that you will continue to post here as it definitely is a great way to get things off your chest in a judgement free zone.

Fay

[Ellemelle]

Thank you for your suggestion Fay(not sure where you are, but it is almost legal here!) I have not tried that, but sounds like a great idea! The restless leg / arm problem is not too frequent, but when I do get it it is unbearable. I will mention it to my doctor when I see him (and I am planning to finally talk to him about the picking too and see if a med will help me.. ) I'm afraid of his reaction, and that he will rush me out of his office as usual, when I have so much to tell him.

I have a question... I have 3 siblings, as well as my mom who all bite / bit their nails severly (I have never bit my nails - they are really thick - so that is a good thing!) Is there a connection between nail-biting and face picking, and do they run in families? My 11 year old niece picks (bug bites, her lip..) and it makes me sad to see her. I did tell her parents that I was concerned, but they made me feel like I was butting in. Would it be my place (being an expert on the subject..) to talk to my niece? I wish someone who knew what hell I was in for had tried to help me more (although my mother did try, her anger towards me just made it worse)

Thanks again for listening and for your suggestions.

[M]

Ellemella,

Hi, I'm 36, and have been picking for approx. 23 years. I told my husband early on in our marriage, but not right away. His response was that he thought I was picking at acne that was coming naturally. He didn't realize that I was causing it. It felt very good to finally share that part of me with him. Little did I know that there was an actualy name for the problem at that time, or that other people like you were going through the same thing!! It's hard to believe that all those hours of my life I was wasting . . . not spending them with my husband, children, etc. Since telling my husband, I somehow got on the subject with my grandmother. My parents have known, but since last year, I have spoken more regularly about it to them and my husband. I have also noticed to other friends of mine that pick at their arms/face, and want so badly to tell them about this site, but I'm not sure how severe it really is for them. Recently, I have spoken to my childen 5, 8, and 11 about what I have been going through and about the support I have been receiving from this site. The reasons I have told them is that I want to help them to create a very positive attitude about their skin, let them know how skin pores work, tell them about the acne that may come with puberty, and how to help it stay under control with proper pampering, as well as tell them that it will pass . . . and that if they treat their face/skin with care, it will look like it does now after puberty has subsided. I also have let them take a good look at my face to show them the damage that I caused because of what I started doing at puberty. The other reasons that I felt a need to tell them is that they have often seen me in front of the mirror and caught me squeezing/picking. Also, my oldest son has begun picking at his fingers, especially his thumb. Actually he had been doing it before, starting with biting his fingernails, but I hadn't really noticed, and just figured it was a common habit of some children. Had I not seen this specific problem on this site, I never would have paid much attention to it, but now I realize with MY tendencies and the degree to which he has picked, as well as the span of time that he has picked, he has the potential to start the same patterns that I have. He also kept a small scab on his hand, picking and picking it, it seemed, forever before it finally healed a few years back. Funny, red flags didn't go off for me then. I guess I thought I was the only one who could possibly have such an intense picking problem at that time. So now, rather than getting angry with him, I am trying to be very supportive and together we are trying to come up with the best plan to help him to stop. So far, I've made some suggestions and have giving supportive reminders. This way our relationship surrounding the issue will continue to be positive. He knows that I am struggling too. Maybe I'll see if he can come up with some ideas that may help me. We'll see.

By the way, I remember my dad doing some picking in the mirror and while sitting watching t. v. and while driving, but it never seemed to do much damage. And I remember my aunt (my dad's sister) saying how she has such a hard time leaving scabs alone, but, again, she never seemed to have any damage from excessive picking. My dad allowed me to occasionally squeeze blackheads from his back when I was a child (along with paying me a penny-a-minute for a backrub/scratch : )) Also, and this sounds gross, but my dad and all three of us kids were nose pickers, (At home/in private, of course) My eldest son seem to have a more intense habit of this than my other two. Oh, and my sister has been picking at her earlobes ever since she got her ears pierced in 7th grade. She is now 37. It's funny she and I have never discussed this. I only can see her red earlobes and receive info from my mom, who is also aware of this. I guess I'm a little jealous that I ended up with the worst habit and have done so much damage to my face.

So, EllemElle - I guess I've always felt that the tendancy toward these types of behaviors runs in families. We also have varying degrees of diagnosed and undiagnosed AD/HD dispersed in our family/extended family, as well as a grandfather who was an alcoholic, and my mother who, I think has many anxieties and compulsive issues due to this. Messy houses also run in our family/extended family, caused by keeping/accumulating a lot of stuff!! This is also a bad habit, which has affected our lives tremendously! Can't have people over, meet people outside on the porch rather than inviting them in, most of the time or feel extremely embarrassed when someone does come into the house. Takes way more time than normal to clean my home. Tend to put it off until I have a large span of time to clean (which often gets interuppted, due to other family/child duties, etc.) I wonder it these things are common, as well with others of you out there?

Maybe we should have Oprah do a show on this to reach all the others of us out there?? I wonder if anyone has started a real live support group in their area. Maybe this would be something to try? Hmmmm?

Well, here I go, long winded again . . . sorry. Gotta sleep now : )

[M]

I just reread my last post and have to apologize for all the typing errors. I guess I'm way too tired! : ) Good night!

[ElleMelle]

M - hope you had a good night's sleep. Don't sweat the typos (I make tons!)
Yesterday I went for a massage (I was getting really stressed at work, and my benefits cover it, so I decided to go for it) WOW! I felt soooooo much better and guess what... I did not pick at all at home (I did get stuck in traffic and probed a few spots) I am not sure if the massage made the difference or not, but I am going to go once a month and see if it helps.
M - I think the picking problem is a lot more common than we may have ever expected. My mom and 3 siblings all bite/pick their fingernails and cuticles (I have never done that.. not sure why, but maybe because my nails are really thick) but I am the only one who attacks their face in my family. I never had acne, so I am sad when I think of the nice skin I would be enjoying now.
I also remember being young and watching my mom go at my dad's blackheads, and sometimes I would squeeze one for him (as I was the only one with nails...) and I think that is when it started for me...
I have never, ever told anyone about that, or associated it with my problem, so thank you for bringing that up and helping open my eyes.
As for house cleaning, I tend to clean when I am stressed or working on a problem, so my house is fairly clean. I HATE the vacuum cleaner (or any really loud thing like leaf blowers, snow throwers etc..) so my carpets don't get done too often. I am a bit of a pack-rat, so I do have stuff piling up in some areas...
M - are you in Canada or the US?

[M]

I am in the US. It's funny, I actually do enjoy cleaning and am a bit of a perfectionist when I do . . . I guess my problem is that I'm not as good cleaning up as I go and, rather, save it for when I can give it my full attention, which, of course rarely happens these days. When I do have time, I actually can work from morning til the wee hours of the night cleaning/sorting. Maybe I enjoy the huge reward in the end, and haven't been rewarded enough with everyday cleaning??? Oh, well. My husband and I are finally gearing ourselves up for major purging!! Besides this skin picking for me, our whole family is trying to figure out a way to change our behaviors with regard to house cleaning/maintenance/structure/routine. I find the whole situation very similar to this CSP, alcoholism, women in abusive relationships, etc. There are even support groups just like this in this problem area too. I guess it's sort of self abuse, like skin picking, in that you are constantly stressed and upset about how awful your house looks, as well as fearful that someone will see it when you don't want them too, and you try to cover it up, by going out to eat with people, meeting them outside, etc. And the answer seems so simple - just clean it and keep it that way - just like skin picking - just stop picking, but somehow it just creeps up on you. You make excuses as to how it got started this time, etc. and can never just figure out the right formula to make it work. Well, anyway, I've got to keep working on both of these. I am very hopeful, as just as I am with the CSP, I'm finally out of the denial stage that being messy IS me, even though I don't like it. I no longer blame circumstances. Well, I try not to . . . It's coming : ).

[fcarea]

Guest-M said:

Ellemella,

Messy houses also run in our family/extended family, caused by keeping/accumulating a lot of stuff!! This is also a bad habit, which has affected our lives tremendously! Can't have people over, meet people outside on the porch rather than inviting them in, most of the time or feel extremely embarrassed when someone does come into the house. Takes way more time than normal to clean my home. Tend to put it off until I have a large span of time to clean (which often gets interuppted, due to other family/child duties, etc.)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder appears to run in your family from what you said (I don't know if you're already aware of this or not). In the quote above, you mention hoarding, which strongly suggests OCD. People with compulsive skin picking are more likely to have OCD than others as well. You also mention that being messy "is you," when, in fact, it can probably be treated with the proper meds. Cleaning your house all day because of being a perfectionist supports my theory even more. Maybe you should to a Google search on obsessive-compulsive disorder to decide yourself whether you likely have it or not.

[M]

Yes, although no one has a diagnosis that I know of, I think OCD runs mildly throughout our family, and as an adult, I have come to this conclusion, as have some of my other family members. Really, in my case, the cleaning part isn't the obsessive part for me, it is waiting for that "perfect" span of time to start cleaning, so I put it off until I "have time." I tend to make messes and not clean up after myself, seems like I'm always in a hurry, (my excuse), and say, I'll get back to that later, etc. and wait for the time when my schedule is more "empty." For me, I think this has more to do with being distracted, unorganized, and having difficulty prioritizing (sort of ADDish, which also runs in our family). Yes, I have felt for several years that do have OCD tendancies, as does others in my family, but the only tendancy that really affects my life is my skin picking. The messiness (the other life-affecting tendancy) seems to involve my husband and children and our two busy jobs, as well as ADD in the family. Now, meds for ADD may help. My son takes a low dose just during school hours, which seems to have helped him this year, and since then, I've been wondering if maybe my life would be less chaotic and organized if I had a little more FOCUS in my life : ). Thank you for your concern, fcarea. I appreciate your views.

[Mechele]

To the question of whether or not picking/OCD runs in families, YES YES YES, but it manifests itself in so many different forms, some of which are more socially acceptable than others, therefore they go undiagnosed, overlooked, or whatever. I have been picking on and off (more now than ever before) for 13 years and I'm 26. I came to a frightening realization 3 days ago: that my three children have OCD as well, with my daughter, 6, skin picking, and my 2 year old pulling at his eyebrows so much in one place that he has bald areas on each brow. My 8 yr old bites his nails and skin around his nails (more than normal.) After calling our psychologist, she said, well it is genetic...voila, I thought, "Damnit, what do I do now? I'm not medicating my 6 and 2 yr olds." So, behavior modification, here we come! My 6 yrold came to me a few minutes ago and confessed that she had picked at scabs today and could not stop, and she cried while I hugged her and she said, " I want to stop but I just can't!" and I was almost happy that I could relate to her and not judge or criticize her. I told her if she became one big scab, I'd still love her. But, no matter how much I love her, we've still got to work on her problem, because society is not as forgiving, and neither are employers.
The comment about the young boy asking mom to play while mom picked hit me hard, because I can't count how many times I have been guilty of telling my kids, "I'll be there in a minute." and time flies by. What a waste of time this disorder is. Damn it.

[mary ann]

I to relate to the mother who says I'll be right out
and then dosent stop it has made my 2 boys think they are not very impotant if id rather spend time picking zits than doing things with them. how quility I feel now when I think of my cute little Eric always wanting to play army with me begging me to come out of the bathroom and just stop picking and making myself bleed and pay attention to him. now he is over seas in the army sooooooooo far away, I wish I'd have come out of the bathroom now, what a terrible waste of time indead.

[mary ann]

I to relate to the mother who says I'll be right out
and then dosent stop it has made my 2 boys think they are not very impotant if id rather spend time picking zits than doing things with them. how quility I feel now when I think of my cute little Eric always wanting to play army with me begging me to come out of the bathroom and just stop picking and making myself bleed and pay attention to him. now he is over seas in the army sooooooooo far away, I wish I'd have come out of the bathroom now, what a terrible waste of time indead.

[nonameshown]

Congratulations! You have just come out of the skin picking closet. Your first step is to admit that you have a probelm (which you already did). Your 2nd step is to seek support for your condition. This website and skinpickers.com are good places to start. Thirdly, be sure to see a derm. He or she can probally can prescribe you on skin meds that kill bacetria. Lastly, no offense to you, but maybe you should see a pyscharatrist because skin picking is considered a mental illness (according to some mind doctors and therapists). He or she may prescribe a good med (sometimes, it's a anti depressant) for you to take. Give the meds six weeks for it to kick in. after six weeks or more (it depends on anyone's system for it to work), you will have a less of a urge or no urge to pick. In the meanwhile, keep it clean with ance products and anti bacetrial soap, pick healthy (disinfecting after done picking, etc) and keep on visiting this board.

Good luck to you and welcome!