I'm still alive!

[Stef (Incubabe)]

;D
Not sure if anyone remembers me. I was posting around here for a while when I was in high school. I think I joined up when I was like...16? Anyway. I thought I'd stop in and see how everyone was and update you all on what I've been up to...

I'm still picking, unfortunately. I'm 21 now. Finishing my 3rd year of college at UConn, and then transferring in the fall. I applied and was accepted to Parsons the New School for Design in NYC for photography, so there's a relocation in my near future. I spent last semester in Florence, Italy and traveling around Europe a bit, which was probably the most amazing experience of my life. I'm in a new relationship with a wonderful man who doesn't really understand the compulsion, but it doesn't bother him. And it's actually kind of nice because he never brings it up. He never comments that my skin looks more tortured than usual. And he never makes me feel anything less than beautiful. I split my week between my home in CT and his place in Manhattan, and when I'm with him I don't pick at all. I'm just so occupied that I don't care about it. So I think I've finally figured out the root of it all. For me, at least, it stems from boredom. And I'm often bored.

What I've noticed, though, is that over the years the picking has migrated. I used to tear my face and arms to shreds. Now my face is clear--I very rarely even put my hands on my face unless there's a really tempting zit, but even then I bought one of those Tweezerman zit popper thing-a-ma-bobs. And despite the things I've read about them being damaging instruments, I find it to be the complete opposite. My arms are clearing up. I still can't show my upper arms, but I'm hoping by this summer I'll be able to. At one time I would try to count the damage spots and I'd get to 100 before I'd made it 1/4 of the way up my arm, but now I can count each spot and it wouldn't even add up to 100 on both arms. So that gives me hope that I can work my way out it. It's a slow process, I realize.

I've gone pretty much ape shit on my legs and stomach though. I think from my stomach down is my danger zone. lol The scars barely have a change to heal before I open them up again. And it's an anxious thing. And when I'm stressed it's worse. And it's usually what I do when I'm laying in bed trying to sleep because my hands are bored and I need to be doing something. So I've decided to take up beading. It keeps my hands busy, and then when I go to bed, I try to tell myself that my hands are tired and that I need to sleep and that I don't need to occupy myself. It hasn't been working, but I'll give it some time.

I realized that I need to replace the activity of picking with something else, or else I'll never have success. And I'm much more optimistic these days. After my dad died, I was a wreck. And my boyfriend (Brad) and I were talking at the time (I met him online), not dating, and he really helped me a lot. He was really reassuring, and he helped me keep my head up for a year before I decided to take a trip to the city to meet him in person. It just felt right. And it's been about a year we've been together, and it still feels just the same. And he doesn't put any stress on me. And he's mature and intelligent (he's 10 years older than me), and he inspires me to be better than I am all the time. And I really like that. It's constant, unspoken motivation.

Oh! My mom and sister got me all kinds of painting goods for my birthday so I've started painting as a hobby. I find I'm happiest when I'm creating something. So that's what I've been pursuing for a life goal and just to make myself happy.

Things have been steadily climbing for me. It's really nice.
I am developing other addictions. Cute dresses. Shoes. White tea. And cottage cheese with grapes!!!

Hope everyone is doing well and keeping their head up. I find if I don't think about myself as a compulsive skin picker and just accept that it's something I do, and maybe one day I'll grow out of it, but if not, that's okay because I'm still smart, and sometimes funny, and someone thinks I'm beautiful, and I still have my family, and I get to wake up and live each day however I want makes it okay. I find that it doesn't matter. What I do to myself doesn't affect anyone else around me. If I'm trapped in a sweatshirt all summer, it's okay just so long as I'm still me.

[Stef Incubabe]

I also just changed my email on this and now I have to activate again which I never can... So I am forever a guest! Woeeee. lol

[Stef (Incubabe)]

Just kidding!... o.O

[Dee13]

Good to hear from you, keep working on the picking battle. I don't think anyone is looking after this site so most of us stay guests.

[scarreddaisy]

hey i remember you! a familiar face... wow...

[margo]

LOL--it's like a reunion!! My name was coolhandluke. Anyway, it's good to see everyone here.

My picking has been all over the place in the past few years. In th fall of 2005, I started taking a drug w/ a dopamine antagonist (anitpsychotic) in it--the drug was called Symbyax and it was basically 2 drugs in one: Prozac & Zyprexa. I had researched the treatment of compulsive behavior OCD--e.g. picking-type behaviors--and had found that people whose picking was resistant to antidepressant drugs had good success with dopamine antagonists. I took the Symbyax, and my picking disappeared 100%. It was a miracle, I thought. Except that the Symbyax also put 30 pounds on me in 3 months! I knew it wasn't the Prozac part of the drug, because I had taken Prozac before without any weight gain. So I knew it had to be the Zyprexa. Anyway, I quit taking Symbyax & lost about 10 pounds, but my picking returned, although it wasn't quite as bad as it had been before.

I graduated college, got a job, lived on my own, and my life calmed down a bit. I was still picking, and I still had horrible anxiety, which has always been the biggest problem in my life, and the catalyst behind my picking. My doctor put me on Klonopin, which is a benzodiazepine anxiety drug, in the same class of drugs as Xanax. The dose he put me on was extremely low, and while I noticed no difference in my anxiety, the Klonopin did completely obliterate my picking. Then I lost my job, lost my insurance, and had to stop going to that doctor, and stop taking Klonopin.

However, this time it was different--my picking did not return. I met a great guy--my fiancee--around the same time, and while I continued to struggle with my anxiety, I did not start picking. I entered therapy in April of this year, because I wanted to really get rid of my anxiety once and for all, because it has truly been the source of most of my major battles. The therapy has done wonders for me. However, I also have ADHD, and the job I work at now is a very demanding job requiring intense focus, and I started taking my ADHD meds again (I had stopped taking them the same time I stopped taking the Klonopin). The ADHD meds have always aggravated my anxiety, but I go and see a very good doctor who has put me on a really great ADHD drug with the lowest side effects & which aggravates my anxiety the least. I also started taking Buspar, which has cut my anxiety by about 80%.

And yet, somehow despite my wonderful therapy and the success I've had on Buspar, my picking has come back. I really think it's partly due to the ADHD meds, but I can't say for sure. I do take heart in that the picking is nowhere near as bad as it once was, and it does not seem to be getting any worse. And I beat it once before, and I know I can beat it again.

Anyway, sorry to go on about my own history, but I figure this is a reunion, so I might as well share what I've been up to.

I'm going to write another post about what I've learned recently about picking, and share some tips.
Great to talk to everyone!
Margo (formerly coolhandluke)