like a "session," this got long and out of control

[KLF]

Hey, I've got a long and complex relationship with the whole skin-destruction world, but I swear I'm ready to move on. I always set dates, like the beginning of a month or week, or "once midnight hits," or "no, wait, 1 am makes more sense because that's the beginning (what am I, an idiot?)-- you know, the silly importance of having it be a clean, sensible break from the hell. Several New Years have been resolved to be The year. 2005 made so much sense... plus I'm 25, a great time to break a habit, right? (too late)
Pretty much everything I've read on this board rings true to my own experiences, except serious suicidal thoughts or wounds that seep for days (I don't even know how "serious" my acne is), but this should not minimize how utterly devastated I am by this (in all senses of the word). My god, the cycles...waiting to heal, especially in reference to upcoming social functions (2 days can equal major turnaround if ZT and followed by a shower and exfoliation right before the event I'm going to). The priority of flattening and the least-bad-texture that can be achieved (make up takes care of color issues). Considerations of lighting at all times.
I could really go on and on about the specifics of my history, but it seems like most of those details have been written by others very similarly to how I would describe them.
Onto the business of change...
I have achieved weeks of not picking severely/problematically and being pretty much healed on and off over the years , but nearly all of this summer has been bad. The thing is, I had the best run in recent memory when I was trying to follow the stoppicking.com program in combination with a free microdermabrasion I got where I openly let them know my problem and they passed no judgment and related with stories of their own (these were not physicians, more like sorority girls, but so nice!) I even went several days without makeup (stayed with a friend and somehow didn't have access to the bag of stuff I brought) when I was on vacation in San Francisco. But, something happened where I got some privacy and a mirror. Nothing big, but I went ahead and took care of some whiteheads one day (somewhat in disbelief that my body would produce them, when I was doing the right thing and not picking), then the next, after a few drinks (by the way, I am not used to the effects of alcohol at all) I went nuts. It's weird because these weren't safe situations: there was not much privacy, having to be around lots of family/friends, and in a city that I'd want to look good for to feel confident--but I did it anyway. From there, the cycle was re-initiated and the only reprieve was when some time was spent camping and where there were simply no mirrors, besides my tiny compact. I continued to take off scabs with the tweezers as spots healed (sometimes prematurely, no always, it just seems like such an improvement!), but came out of it healed/healthy for sure!
I have noticed a trend in my heal time lengthening and also no possibility of appearing to have "good" skin even in the best case scenario (not because I get tons of pimples, but the tiny pick marks). But that does not mean healthy skin is out of reach. One problem is that ZT is actually a really hard thing for me to define. I've gone so far as to say that scratching can only happen "reverse", meaning with the back of the fingernails, if there is an itch. There is always the issue of scab management, which I would not be able to ignore in the healing phase, but shouldn't be an issue if there aren't scabs to keep the borders of from looking flaky, or whatever.
I don't consider scalp or rest-of-the-body picking to be a serious issue at this juncture, but I'll happily indulge at the site of a problem, and with the scalp I'll just notice that I'm scratching/scanning at it while reading or doing something passive. Face picking is much more methodical and I would never do it with dirty hands or away from a mirror, or without the possibility of washing afterwords (I don't' know how people do that!). I really take the exfoliation and scrubs and multiple washings far and application of peroxide, alcohol, etc. far. I don't really think of that as OCD though, because it is all in some twisted effort to smooth or clean to assist in healing.
Ok, I am putting more details that I thought I'd forgo, but I'm enjoying this and seeing how people put up such long posts...
The here and now:
I am about to depart for a trip to Alaska. I have family there and plans to work on a farm for a few weeks, but it is interesting how the trip can be viewed metaphorically as this great escape. I am in this transition period where I am leaving the city I've been living in for 5 years, but I don't actually know where I'm going. I'm coming back here after AK (that's just a trip)--fortunately I can stay here all I want--but from there I don't know where I'll end up (I'm working on securing internships/volunteering, etc.) The point being, my life is changing. Somehow I've managed to peg skin picking as being especially bad in this house because of the habits I've developed--two bathrooms does not help. For about a year now I've just worked part time or occasionally, which makes it so possible to be so unhealthy. It has been rough...well it always has been psychologically hard to deal with what I've viewed as paralyzing damage (that many times I think no one notices), but I always had school, or then I was a flight attendant for a year and a half after that. Since then, having to face myself and my malaise there has been such inner tumult, or maybe its just a drama I'm creating for myself because there is nothing that screwed up about my life and I don't want to get to the business of reaching my potential. I mean sure, we all know that, and I can say it, but why is this such a hard lesson to really learn? I have missed out on so much and even made the excuse that I was enriching myself by spending so much time by myself. I think I'm pretty much as mature as I'm going to get continuing as I am, that's why I think it's time to shake things up.
Looking like utter shit for the past couple weeks has caused me to realize how much I appreciate my female friends who in no way pass judgment upon me and my male friends who just don't notice superficial crap. In a way, though habit-wise things have been a mess, I feel like I'm being broken (in the sort of good way). Now my dear friend has moved into my room, I've packed all my stuff, I'm the house guest until I take off on my trip. I am without room/private space to which I have guaranteed access. The point being that I'm realizing what's important: how much my friends don't care about how I look, and also, that my ways are just not going to be sustainable with what I'm doing next in life. I also really feel that this last cycle is one of those you're-getting-more/worse-zits-because-you're-picking things combined with weather (humidity kills me) and no air conditioning. The new ones which are deeper under the skin raised/red with no cap/access point, plus existing things that were once drained/decimated fill up again underneath the scab! You all know how usually if you can just get everything out + flat, even if there is the clear scab fluid that needs to dry/make scabs, then you can heal and have clear skin for a little while before the pores refill with sebum...I can't even get to that point (of non- hurting/raised scabs) to even let one day go by without picking (normally I have known day 2 to be the greatest challenge, but lately I can't make it there).
I thought it would be such a great last week of catching up with people besides just close friends and really getting out there an doing things b/c my schedule is wide up. Instead...
What do I want to do?
Well this moment I'm at a stage I'd rate as most severe, though not the worst ever. I will absolutely need to use tweezers to manage dry skin for the next few days, but how I go about scab removal when the time comes is really the issue.
My goals: obviously ZT, but if I could at least rationally review situations that arise without going into The Zone, maybe very gently/sanitarily assisting in release where the existence of the disturbance is doing more damage/scarring on it's own than I would create (and I mean only in extreme cases, which have truly come up only a few times in my life) I think that would be an ok exception. I need to do habit reversal training on the constant skin scanning that happens tactilely on my body and has mostly visual, but sometimes tactile triggers on my face. Looking closely in the mirror with good lighting especially 1) at night 2)when I'm stressed 3)when I've had coffee 4)when it is very late ARE ALL RED FLAGS INDICATING TIMES TO BE VERY CONSCIOUS AND CAUTIOUS and maybe do the washing and teeth brushing without light!
Accountability time:
1) No more pick "sessions"/zoning out/doing it when I've specifically told myself I don't want to and if fucks me over for the next day
2)not punishing self or feeling as if I've failed if I notice the hands wandering to arms/back/scalp, just being aware and stopping on the spot
3)using the variety of relaxation techniques to which I have access when I'm stressed or feel like I just have to get rid of things on my face.

Should I try time limits in the bathroom?

Alright, here goes. All support very welcome

[anonymousartist]

Wow, you did have a lot to say. But I think it's good, you seem to be figuring things out (sometimes I like to ramble and it helps me).

I have the same problems with night time, coffee, etc. I think you set up some good steps for yourself. I'm sure being Alaska will help too. If the need to pick does strike you while you are there, by all means find a way to do it in your usual way instead of doing it in a different way like not having access to the mirror or something (just speaking from experience, the last thing you want to do is create a new habit that you have to break).

Anyway just wanted to show some support. Good luck on yout trip (and don't try to figure out what you will do next all at once. Maybe just find something and do it. I'm going through that too, and it's not helping to look too far ahead). Let us know how it all goes.

--Becca.

[KLF]

An update:
I did remove scabs too early, but no "sessions" have happened. I really feel like I have no choice in those 36 hrs. post-pick situations because my skin looks better right after removing scabs (in an very relative sense--it still looks bad). Anyhow, it was not disastrous, just sooner than they should have come off. And I haven't emptied pores/extracted/picked...One semi-dangerous cheating is when I'll press lightly on the spot with the tweezers I just used to take off the scab...
If anyone feels that the use of tweezer just for maintanence in the healing process is bad, let me know. I'm sure ideally everything should just be allowed to heal hands-free with no make up, but this is the only way I can do it without a situation of utter seclusion. I do not have a problem with tweezers as tools of the sebum/white stuff-extraction process, so that's why I don't freak out about using them as if it is cheating. I will acknowledge that scrubbing and exfoliation--also part of the recovery from damage can be taken too far and bring on breakouts, so I will be delicate.
I look much better and it has been really beautiful out so I have been active non-stop, which feels great. I could do better on my policing of my scanning of arms, back, scalp, legs, but I haven't done any damage--I the fingertips really are roving all the time! I what is left that I need to do is some of my relaxation techniques to get myself calmed and be conscious of where the hands are--that is a much more passive bad habit and I don't really suffer embarrassment because of it, I just don't want to do it because it is a form of picking and I really can't have it be ok to do anything destructive to my skin.
I really appreciate the reply. I'm sorry the first post was so full of typos, but it was therapuetic to lay it out there and know an audience was there for the sake of invisible accountability.
My trip is in just a few days and I'll be doing some farming--pulling weeds could be a good substitute obessive behavior!

[FarmGirl]

KLF, I ALWAYS use tweezers to debride the scab/dead skin off of the wound too! I think they are more precise than the ol' fingernails and don't mess up the area nearly as bad. I usually do it when I want to put on makeup, as makeup over a crusty scab looks just horrid--might as well go without. I go on the thinking that if the scab is starting to dry and flake, or soften and peel after washing the skin, the skin under it must be starting to heal. I try to lift up a tiny piece first, and if it oozes at all or stings, I leave it alone.

I know when one of my horses or pig gets a cut or scrape, I always keep removing the scab, until the wound gets smaller and smaller, because it makes the skin heal in better and reduces any chance of scarring. It's weird, but I really dont' have any "pitts" in my face, even after all my years of picking. My main problem are the spots caused by sun damage on fragile new skin. So, if you're outside on your vacation, don't forget that sunblock, or a makeup that has SPF protection