good for it journal.

[ashenn]

;D

you guys would laugh to read all of my paper journals and realize that i have done this so many times; i.e., made elaborate lists of how to get out of this acursed habit. well, i'm doing it again.

hoping that if i make these promises under the eyes of people who understand, i'll be able to keep up on it.

(that's why my journal-title is 'good for it', because i'm good for it!! dig?)

i decided to start this ZT thing, only under a modification. i think ZT is unfeasible. i am, someday, going to get a pimple that it will be unnatural to leave alone. i don't think it's realistic to say that in the face of a giant whitehead, i will turn the other cheek. my efforts at ZT are going to be aimed toward severely reduced, realistic, rational picking, as in, no creating huge scabby mountains out of small hide-able molehills.

so. some promises:

- once my skin is clear enough, i'll buy the $254 Somme Institute skincare line to put it on a good regimen. by 'clear enough', though, i mean completely scabless/markless.*

- after a year of sticking to this regimen, i will get microderm for the rougher spots and any scars that have not faded. currently these are:

*round scar on the left side of my nose.
*various, small, ice-pick scars on right cheek.
*elongated scar on right cheek.
*round scar on upper-left lip.
*round scar on top of left cheek.

....yeah. there's a few more, but those are the worst.

- all the while, i hope to maintain the 'realistic ZT' model during the Somme phase and the Microderm phase.

i have to work this problem out. i am hoping, also, that this journal will help me be kinder to myself about mistakes.

so those three things are my current goals. i'm trying to design it so that i get some positive reinforcement after i've done a little work, so as to cement into my uncooperative brain, "THIS PICKING STUFF IS NO GOOD FOR YOU....BUT MASSAGES, THOSE ARE GOOD FOR YOU."

[ashenn]

i have not picked at all today!!!!!!

.....

but.

anyone else have this problem?: when you're being good and not picking, you find something else to focus on, like, for me it's how generally weird-looking i am. and my ears kinda stick out a little. so when i haven't picked i'll stand in the bathroom and pull my hair back and wonder what the point of not picking is, when i already look like an alien?!!!

[ashenn]

yo girls!!!

despite a couple of slips (i pick't a spot on my chin that was almost healed- drat! - and also one on my upper lip) i've done really well for the last few days. instead of FINDING something to pick, everytime i look at my face i'm able to see these tiny imperfections for what they are: tiny.

in other news, i met this girl at my work that i'm ---kinda--- forming a friendship with. it is a slow process. this is a big thing for me, considering i haven't had a real, honest-to-goodness girlfriend for years....they are all too intimidating, or too silly, or stupid, or...just, not, yknow....me. it is so easy for me to be alone. i already understand my flaws and quirks-- there is no danger of being rejected. plus i don't have to compromise my time, i can do what i want, when i want, without having to account for anyone else's desires.

selfish, huh?

anyway.

i'm getting better. i'm not hopeless. just retarded.

[anonymousartist]

yo,

glad you are keeping a journal (it's been quiet around this site lately and I'm too lazy to move to another site). And also glad you're doing well. I think it's smart to stay realistic about ZT and not try to go total on it 'cause you don't have to set yourself back every time you have a slip and you can always still learn something. I don't think it's necessary to be total ZT in order to get to the point of control and healing and being healthy about it.

As for finding something else to focus on....I tend to over focus on my weight and I try not to think about things like ears, nose, and whatever I can't really change because I don't wanna end up feeling like I need something radical done. But I do find that if I work too much at quitting all my vices and get stressed out I still need a way to cope and I have to fall back on something. Sometimes it's picking, sometimes it's junkfood. And I just try to forgive myself.

And congrats on making a new friend. I hope everything clicks.

And there's nothing wrong with being selfish. Sometimes people in general drive me nuts.

*stops rambling*

--Becca

[ashenn]

blah. too frustrated to write right now, but it's been a stupid night.


thanks for the encouragment Bec.

[ashenn]

i have these two huge...

(beat)

huge.

(beat)

...HUGE zits on my chin right now. they're impossible to hide with makeup. even a thin layer makes them look so shiny and obvious.....

i'm trying to keep solid about it and not touch them, and last night i came so close-- fingers at the ready, applying pressure-- but instead i balled up my fists, sighed, and walked out of the bathroom. the bigger of the two (we'll call him Fred) is so painful and huge and i can't wait for it to go away, seeing as this has been a pretty self-concious week, and i have a job that's pretty customer-service oriented. i need to be able to make small talk with people. pretty hard to do that when you're not paying attention to anything you say.

"ashley, tracking reports? where are they?"
"hmmm? oh. it was fine, thank you."
"what? tracking reports? i need them by lunchtime."
"oh, no, i'm sorry to hear that."
"..."
"wait, what did you just ask me?"

anyway. we had a luncheon today to send off my friend Shelly at work. she's the girl i've been trying to make friends with. the whole luncheon was spent feeling pretty awkward and out of place. i just....don't do so well with people i don't know. initially, when i first meet them, i'm fine-- i make jokes, i'm jovial, conversational even. generally people like me or are intrigued by me when we first meet. after awhile, though, the shine wears off. i've been working this job for three months or so, everyone knows me a little better, and that scares the shit out of me. it's impossibe for me to be myself around people i don't know very well.

last weekend, i spent the better part of an evening hiding in my boyfriend's room, avoiding the company he and his roomates had over (even though this particular night it was a friend of OURS, not like it was someone i didn't know or whatever). several times i tried slinking out of his room and hanging back in the kitched while they all drank beers and socialized, but i couldn't relax enough to enjoy it. i felt so stupid and dull. Josh's girlfriend (who is really cool and interesting and very smart) cornered me in the kitchen and was trying to engage me in conversation, but all i could think was how much i wanted to get away and be alone. this is so debilitating. but everytime i try to fix it, brave my social insecurities, i just feel like i make it worse.

the thing is, i really like to be alone, but i think it's mainly because i HAVE to like it. since i've been in Wyoming i've been too scared to approach anyone to be friends. i can't get over the initial get-to-know-you hump. so, i've learned to be really independent, but at the price of all my social skills. being social causes me so much anxiety, and i hate it-- i'd like to be able to feel OK wherever i go.

[ashenn]

the bumps on my chin are still there. so embarrassing. last night i applied a heat compress and tried to squeeze them: BIG MISTAKE!!-- how often i do this to myself. for hours they were throbbing and burning. at least i decided to stop when i did. for the rest of the night i was holed up in my room holding ice cubes to my chin in hopes that they wouldn't look too hideous this morning.

what i hate most about having big bumps like this is that, really, they take up too much of my conciousness. i'm always THINKING about them. should i go look? should i squeeze? should i treat? do they look better yet? --argh. i'd rather be thinking about something interesting, but instead i'm thinking vainly about how ugly i must look, and try as i might, i can't shake it completely. boy does it make me feel shallow to think about it this much, though.

i was going to take a picture of them for you guys (seriously. they're so big i was going to pour them each a margarita with a parisol and tell them to say cheese.) but my cammiddy camera needs the batteries i've already packed.

oddly i am pretty sure this most recent outbreak is due to the changes that are going on in my life right now. i'm starting to really examine my nastier qualities-- figures that they would be 'coming to the surface' in a very real way. plus i am under a huge amount of stress-- i am moving, i am broke, i am still fighting with my mom...well, actually, i've finally determined to myself that we are never going to get along and i may as well stop letting it bother me. i don't even want to get into it. the whole issue has been taking up pages and pages of my paper journal-- try as i might, i can't forget about her entirely. she's my mom, yknow? even though she's difficult i still love her like crazy. i just wish she wasn't so impossible to get along with.

blah. i feel so ugly. i hope these damned volcanoes are gone when i have to see my man tommorow.

[ashenn]

gahhhhh they are so huge!!!!!!!!! *freakout*

[ashenn]

so today the extra heads growing out of my chin don't look so bad; they're kinda scabby, and flatter, so i can at least hide them under makeup. one of them is still oozing a lot (i never ended up popping them, but i've peeled off several layers of skin during this whole process), and every once in awhile i have to run to the bathroom for a quick routine of hot-compress-paper-towel-sopping-re-applying-foundation. wish i didn't have to put up with it at all, goddamnit.

what started this whole saga was, of course, that i didn't leave them alone in the first place. they surely would have been gone by now. i don't think i'll fall into this trap ever again. if a huge-o pimple crops up somewhere else, i'm going to leave the angry fucker alone.

tonight i'm going into CO to see my boyfriend and look at a new apartment. i have a feeling i'll really like it-- hopefully i can sign the lease tonight and be rid of this miserable situation i'm in with my mom. i don't really want to excommunicate myself from my family, but i'm so sick of dealing with it. and plus for the last few months i've been feelin this immense NEED to be creative, to paint like crazy....just to _live_ creatively. i can't wait to get started.

wish me luck, friends; i'm wishing it for you guys too.

[ashenn]

i got busted for shoplifting today. King Soopers. two clif bars, a Fiji water, a fuji apple.

$400.

it was actually, oddly, pleasant enough. some comfortable chit-chat while the security guy took my mug shot and filled out my civil receipt-thingie that says i'm not allowed in any King Soopers anywhere, anymore. he asked me all the weird questions that people like him seem to think they should ask people like me-- "do you get a rush when you do this?" "is it worth it?" etc.

of course it's not worth it. no i don't get a rush when i do this, i've been trying to quit, actually. i've been into your store several times and stolen you blind, right out from under your nose, and the reason i do it is because i -can- do it. all of this he seemed to accept and even understand, to some degree. also oddly, i don't really feel bad about it-- not even really guilty. i just feel like it needed to happen. maybe that's why i haven't quit yet, because somewhere inside i felt like this needed to happen. i don't think stealing is really intrinsically wrong, but i can see the ways it contributes to little uncool peices of my personality. contributes to me thinking that i can take advantage of things and situations, be oppurtunistic.

last week i -almost- stole two books from Barnes and Nobles, two feild guides for trees. but, after i got out to my car, i looked at them again, and they looked different, so i gathered them up and walked into the store and put them behind the counter, on hold until payday. they were too cool to steal. i WANT to spend my money on things like that. and delicious clif bars, and fuji apples.

...so on the 7th of September i've got a court date. should be pretty interesting from there. nice catalyst.

i am kicking my ass here.

[anonymousartist]

oh my. Well, that's exciting, at least. There are worse things a person could get caught doing, I guess.

I like stealing things, but I try not to take anything retail, even if I think about how easy it would be. But if there's a cool plate at a restaurant it usually goes home in my to-go box. I don't do it so much anymore though.

[ashenn]

unfortunately i didn't stop at thinking about it. i've probably been doing this for, oh, at least a year 1/2. it's gotten better lately, but yesterday was just an arrogant day.

now i just feel deflated.

i always create these huge, unmanageable problems for myself...

[anonymousartist]

Sometimes I think that's adulthood is. Getting youself out of your problems. If this stays a problem for you, there's nothing wrong with seeking help to get it stopped. I'm sure there's plenty of people who do it who don't have the balls to even admit to it.

But I hope everything comes out ok after the court date. Are you getting some kind of legal help? I think if you have low income you qualify for free (I just assume every young person has low income, especially since I have none). It might be good to act apologetic when you arein court and all that. I dunno. But damn, you already spent $400 on a couple wee items. I'd say that's enough punishment.

[ashenn]

hey Becca.

no legal help (mainly because as soon as i knew i was caught, i pulled all the shit out of my purse and handed it over. plus they have me on tape.) i know they could--possibly-- get some sort of plea bargin for me, but i dunno, it's just too much stuff to deal with right now. moving and stress and blah, yknow?



it's all good though, i am really and truly not that upset about the $400 bones. i'm pretty agnostic, but i've got a weird, fuzzy brand of agnosticism that allows for an intelligent universe, whose systems are so intertwined as to allow for something like...fate. and i think this was fate. the universe is driving home a point that i am maybe too selfish, too self-involved, and need to stop taking advantage of things.

i'm on a silly road of self-improvement-- you know what that's like, i think.