The Journal Of A Guy

[amgoingtostop]

Well I have to change my ways. Hopefully this board will assist in making the difference.

Considering most of the journals on here are by women, maybe you can see that men can suffer the same with CSP, or maybe I'm wrong and its completely different.Either way, here is the low down on me.

I started picking my face when I was 14/15 - now 21. Just little bits here and there. My older brother first introduced me to it as i would see him picking in the mirror and at first I didn't do it, but when i started getting spots I began to pick. I actually used to enjoy doing it sometimes for fun - poppin a zit is sooo satisfying. What happened over time was that I ended up doing it more and more and it became a bad habit. I'd stop going out if my face was bad. Wouldn't talk to the girls I liked at school if I felt I was too spotty etc. This has continued all the way to the end of university. Whereas now i am going to make a real effort to break the cycle once and for all, as I am having to work in the real world now - in a rather public job - but i do enjoy it, just not when I have been picking my face.

I have let this problem rule my life and periods when i feel i look good are rare. Its caused me to miss out on relationships and I've let it get to me far too much.

For the last two weeks the picking has been relatively under control, and I was beginning to look quite good - but last night I went on a massive binge on my face. Just when I thought i had started to break the cycle i go back to square one. Unfortunately I have to go out tonight and can't get out of it. But the reality is that sure people will probably not be bothered by it - but I am, and you can't help but think that people will be looking at you thinking - isn't he a bit more spotty.

Anyway. the challenge is to go until for the rest of the weekend without picking. Then take next week day-by-day on the same basis.

Here goes.

[amgoingtostop]

Crap, I just picked one and I'm meant to be leaving in 25mins. I am such a MUPPET!!!!!

[amgoingtostop]

Ha Ha - I just found some make up lying around - this stuff is ingenious!!!

[amgoingtostop]

Anyway I've done my thing. Wasn't that bad - but felt a bit uneasy at first since the last time any of them saw me i was looking much better. Particularly as i normally have tan as well so it hides zits.

A lot of the marks on my face are starting to turn scabby so unfort i have picked off a few.

Before going to bed I will do a facial steam for 10mins followed by a shower and gentle wash. The steaming normally really helps. And as I'm working from home for the next week I'm not going to shave.

Its really frustrating as i get to the point where my face starts clearing up - then i'll go and start squeezing anything i can find, lumps under the skin and tiny blackheads etc. Which then in turn just makes me break out all over again. If your reading this I know you can relate to it.

I have one week to get myself together and improve my skin for some meetings I have at the end of next week. If i want to get half way back to where i was before binging i will have to go all week without picking anything.

Spots picked today: 4

[anonymousartist]

Hey, i dig your journal so far.

Try not to push yourself too hard. You know how it goes. Just focus on getting better, and not on being perfect.

--Becca.

[amgoingtostop]

Thanks for the support - but unfortunately I view picking as something that you really have to go cold turkey at to see a difference. Its not like someone trying to lose weight where if the person has a great diet for 6 days a week and then binges for 1 - they can get away with it. If you do that with picking - particularly when its on your face its so easy to completely mutilate yourself in about 20mins and the effects can last for weeks.

When people talk about constantly binging on food you can understand how they got that way because it is something that they could hide easily until it reaches the extreme, unlike picking your face - its quite easy to tell that someones been doing it, even if its just a small bit of home surgery.

Its a bit of a generalisation, but I think that if you had to give up binge eating or binge picking the eating would be so much easier to do.

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Well today has not been too bad really. Aside from a few scabs brushing off easily in the shower things are moving forward as I haven't picked (yay!). Not shaving really helps to - could even be a new look for me - designer stubble?

Anyway. In an attempt to conceal some of the red marks I am doing some fake tan. Have done it before in the past and normally it goes orange. But this stuff is my flatmates and she has quite a brown colour to her so will have to see if its any good.

Hmmm, it going to be difficult but I will go the entire week without picking.I don't have any urges at the moment which helps, but things may change later in the week. I've noticed there are two new spots on my forehead...


Mood: Calm
Days without picking: 1

[anonymousartist]

Sorry about that. Cold turkey certainly is a way to go. I personally think in breaking any habit the fewer times the habit is repeated the less it becomes a habit (repitition was how it became a habit in the first place). And at least for me even a few days of not picking my arms or face will show major healing. I've never quit cold turkey for more than a few days and I'd say I'm still a lot better off than I used to be. Of course I'm not criticising your method, I just sort of recognised the whole scenario where people try to quit before a big event and do really well but end up butchering the effort the night before the event (it happens to a lot of people including myself). But I wish you success.

And I actually have for the most part quit binge eating. I had some of the worst eating habits (chicken nuggets every day, at least a bag of chips per week, a bag of chocolate candy per week, french fries all the time, the occasional fruit or vegetable. If I went to a buffet I'd eat 'til I hurt) which scarily enough seems to be becoming more normal among people. It took about 5 years and a lot of small changes and some education on the matter to make real changes. And of course, eating isn't something you can quit cold turkey. But still if I go too hard on it and don't allow cheating sometimes (there's nothing wrong with that from a nutritional standpoint anyway) I can get stuck in a junk food phase for at least a week to a month. I rarely over-eat anymore but the compulsive part is hard to fight. Plus there's tons of advertising geared toward making people want junk food. Imagine if every time you turned on the tv someone physically appeared trying to entice you to pick. Although you've made me realize if I can get that under control (and I definitely enjoy eating more than picking) then I should work harder on getting the picking under control, except that I use both as coping mechanisms, sometimes just for comfort, and taking away too much at once and suddenly not having a way to cope or find comfort either means having to deal with a lot of emotional stuff at once, or be really uncomfortable and unable to deal with things.

I wish you the best of luck though, and you have plenty of support here.

[amgoingtostop]

Thanks again for the support, and its interesting to find out more information about you to. I used to live with someone who had bulemia and watched how they would binge and then not eat for days. This person managed to lose 7 stone in a year through exercising and better eating, but then started binging again and the weight piled back on. It was a so dissapointing for them. We used to have good chats with each other about our obsessions!!!

Dissapointingly for me I squeezed a couple of spots when i first awoke this morning. But they were actually genuinely ripe for it as they were big puss mountains of doom - honestly emphasis on the mountains and the doom!

Aside from that and the initial redness the rest of my face is getting much better and marks are becoming softer and slowly clearing up. The nasty party is all the crusty scabs that are still forming and falling off (admittedly with a little help from me sometimes). But its amazing how when you leave yourself alone how quickly your skin heals.

The fake tan went a bit orange and unfortunately streaked down my stomach as after washing my face some water rolled down my front.

At least I still get to work from home this week and don't have to go anywhere still.

Mood: Agitated
Spots Picked Today: 2

[anonymousartist]

Actually, I'm more on the compulsive overeating side. I've never been purged. I hit a high weight at 215 lbs and have lost 45 since I started college 5 years ago (now graduated). I guess I'm glad that at least I never messed up my metabolism. Part of what keeps me eating healthier is eating every three hours so I don't get hungry and want as much junk food (though I'm so stressed a small pizza sounds really good right now!)

Don't worry too much about those little setbacks. You're still doing great! I need to remember how much I hate those scabs so maybe I'll think twice before touching my face.

Sounds like the tan backfired. You could always say you're doing a Jessica Simpson impression. I have a real farmer tan that won't go away. It sucks. The only way for me to even it out is to burn and then let it tan over because I'm so pale and I don't thing that coppertone spray on sunscreen works at all because I seem to keep getting darker in some places (or maybe I never got so much sun before!)

[amgoingtostop]

Yeah the tan definately backfired.It was so orange you could even say it was a donnetella versachi impression!



You have the right strategy eating every 3 hours. Keeps the metabolism going. I'm a bit of a fitness fanatic on the side - could talk about healthy living all day!

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Today wasn't as good again (still on the whole its going ok) but i did pick a few. Having a facial steam every night really helps. Whenever I have had to do a healing session without steaming its never made quite the same impact. What might interest you are the product I use.

1) Dermatologica - Special Clensing gel
2) MD Formulations - Glycare Acne Gel
3) Environ - Low Oil Vitamin A moisturiser SPF4

They are a bit costly but they do work wonders for me when I don't pick.

I decided to have a shave cause it was getting to the point where i was beginning to resemble a yeti, so off it went. Made sure the razor was clean etc and became nice and smooth again.

Gotta be looking fresh for next week as will be going back to working in public again.

Mood: Becoming Concerned
Spots Picked Today: 3

[amgoingtostop]

Not a good day. I'll leave it at that.