Journal Journal on the wall- comment if you like

[Dontfencemein]

:)Dont really know where to start. My journal will probably sound just like that- a journaled conversation to myself. So here goes.

Been going through a lot of stress lately. Not a lot compared to many on these posts, but still it is the only thing I have experience with and so I gauge it by what I know.

I know that Ive lived in a dumpy trailer for one whole year with out furniture, two kids under two years old, and a husband that gets progressively worse in his decline, morally and moreover ethically. He's dealling drugs now. Sometimes I wonder if he would have done anything different if he could see into the future when we met at a very conservative Bible school. Would it matter to him? would he change the course of our lives if he could?

I know its not good to pin so much of my depression ( i guess I do have to admit it I am depressed most of the time) on him but hes making bad choices and I put up with them.

How long can one person stay in a house with no vehicle in a town and state that they have no one to talk to or nowhere to go, with two babies that are so very extremely self-centered ( by nature and not choice I know) not caring how many hours of sleep you get.

My husband wont let me improve the house cause he refuses to put any money into the house because he cant take it with him when he leaves. He wants to be rich, but he wants to spend money too. So here I am sitting on the floor (actually he did get some green lawn chairs *sigh*) for a whole year. The only thing I own is a bed (that was given to us AFTER ten years of use *GROSS*) and a used baby bed for my 2 yr old. The baby sleeps with me. I actually got curtains after the first year- and a big fight. Always so uptight about wasting money- but we can collect guns and blow 1700.00 bucks on drugs that he probably wont get anything out of. Like I'd want to touch that money anyway.

Whine whine whine. *sigh* like I said Im not half as critical as some Ive read. But I have to live my life, they theirs.

I find that I pick especially bad after Ive been home with the kids and they are having a whiney day- and I have no one to give me a repreive. If he is home he just comes in and plops in front of the puter and zones out me and the kids. Sometimes I feel like I dont exist in his life anymore except for sex, laundry, and packing his lunch and he gets his uniforms cleaned at work, and picks up food at the gas station, so I guess Im just good for sex.

I want him to be proud of me and tell me Im beautiful. Sometimes when He does i think he only says it because he wants something. And everytime I think things will change when he treats me good, it turns bad again and we argue. Sometimes right after sex.

I know I shouldn't depend on him to meet all my needs, but he could at least attempt at something, anything.

Someday I hope that he will look at me and call me beautiful and really mean it because there are no scabs on my face and he has nothing to holler at me about, and he realizes how much of his junk I put up with. If he could only realize how much I would be worth to someone who appreciated me. Then he would be sorry that he ever treated me this way. Then he would love me. Then he would change because he wanted to. Not because I want him too.

[hoppe]

Dontfencemein

Your story - it really sounds like your life is a very difficult one at the moment. I am sorry about that.

I am in no position to tell you what to do with your life. But are you sure this is where you should be? With a husband that deals drugs and does not seem to care about such basic needs as chairs and a bed for you? I would also be worried about your children - is this the kind of life you want for them?

I don't know you, don't know if you have anywhere to go or any possibility to change your life as it is. But I hope you at least give it a try. You are a strong, beautiful person and you do not have to settle for a life like this.

Wishing you all the best.

hoppe

[dontfencemein]

Ok. Here I am again, been a while. Things have been going pretty well. I've only had two crashes this week. Unfortunatly one was the night before my birthday. Felt like strangling everyone, me hubby and kids. Think the thing that tipped it was trying to put the kid down and having it take an hour and a half. This is becoming a regular line of tension and I find myself wanting a release and thus I pick. Was surprised that I didn't do much damage. I think I have the Evans Garden to thank for that. What AWESOME stuff. Hubby said if it made me feel better about my skin then I could get more. I felt like I actually had a reason to try and stop picking. Thats why I bombed out before my b-day- actually sat in the bathroom on the floor and just cried and cried. Couldn't take it anymore, felt like dying.
Wish I had some other way to release stress. I found I wanted to scream and yell and hit something, but I couldn't. I couldn't even cry at first. So I picked instead. Furiously. I think the Evans Garden will be a big motivator for me. I can see results right away and it makes me want to keep it fresh looking and glowing. Maybe Im delusional, but it almost seems as if some of the scaring is starting to fade a bit. I don't know. Sometimes you want things to work wonders that you start believing things that arent really happening. We'll see this is only the first week.