Angelfish's journal

[Angelfish]

I am tired of picking. I am so sick of it. I want to stop. I hate it! I hate myself for doing it. I hate the pins I use to dig into my legs. I am so mad at myself for spending hours in a stupor gouging out the imagined flaws on my face. What is worse is when I get the urge to pick my chest. It's so gratifying. I hate the satisfaction and the shame that come afterward. I have made a mess of my life. It takes weeks for the scars to heal. Especially if I don't leave them alone. They get huge and infected. Before I can stop myself, I am at them again. The therapy, the expense, the makeup, the lotions and potions, the meds or lack thereof, the excuses and explainations are all so trivial. I take two steps forward and three back. I don't want to pick anymore. Wish me luck.

[Angelfish]

When times are good, the urge to pick is like a whisper. And sometimes it's like the loudest thing I have ever heard. I started picking my face and back when I was 13. Nothing traumatic happened to me, I just developed a moderate case of acne. People would ask questions like "what happened to your face?" or my parents would be upset when they had to pay for touch-ups of my school pictures. But I was blind to the fact that I picked.

Slowly my life became more and more restricted. First I couldn't go out of the house without makeup. Then I couldn't wear a bathing suit because I had picked my chest. then I couldn't wear a low cut top. Then I couldn't be seen without wearing foundation. Then the picking began to take up a significant portion of time, impacting my school, destroying my social life and making me feel disgusting.

I was going to a major university at this time, and there was no help. I was a number; one of thousands. My primary care physican said to go to Student Health. The therapist at Student Health said to go to my primary care physician. I fell through the cracks. Neither one really helped me. Along with the picking, I also had OCD. It made college a lot more difficult than it had to be, especially the last two years. When I graduated, I could hardly hold down a job working in stock for a department store. I've bounced from job to job, graduate program to graduate program. Three years have gone by. I've never recovered my confidence.

[Angelfish]

I saw the psychiatrists yesterday. One was a resident and the other was his attending. I knew the attending but I had never met the resident. I think the receptionist had a thing for the resident because she kept smiling at him and calling him by his first name. He didn't read my chart to see what I had tried before, nor did he want to ask me. I was disappointed because all the other residents I had seen were really compassionate and caring.
The entire session focused on my meds. I bitched and complained them. I hate the antidepressants. They have gotten rid of my OCD, but they make me very sleepy, complacent and hungry.
The attending said that I may have an underactive thyroid or be anemic. I have to get blood tests. Since I don't agree with the antidepressants, he suggested Methadone once a week for the OCD. The resident said I should go up on the Abilify. I suggested I cut back on the antidepressants, becuase I was headed in that direction anyway.
The resident didn't bring up the skin picking at all, but at the end of the session, I told them the skin picking was the same as it had been. The resident suggested I come back in a month for more medication adjustment. I felt hopelss. I think I've tried everything for the picking. That night I picked.

[running2stndstill]

that sucks. it sounds like they didn't really "invest" in your session which they could have done by really trying to listen to what you were saying.
Good for you for bringing up the picking- that totally takes courage to address it the way you did.
try not to take it personally- they sucked, not you. don't let them cause you to lose faith in yourself.

how long have you been on the antidepressants? i've been on them for 7 years now, although my dose is much lower than it used to be. Maybe you just need a lower dose. At one time, I used to fight sleep constantly because the dose was too high. Now i'm on more of a maintenance dose.

-K

[hoppe]

Hi Angelfish

I just wanted to let you know, I am sorry about your bad experience. I hope it will be better next time.

I like how you express youself. .... When times are good, the urge to pick is like a whisper. And sometimes it's like the loudest thing I have ever heard..... You manage to give CSP a poetic touch, that is something of an achievement.

I hope you feel better.

hoppe

[Angelfish]

I spent the day with my father's side of the family. I got to see my cousin who had come down from Washington State. I enjoyed meeting his kids, but the ride down to Monterey CA was a bitch. I had to listen to what my father thought I should do with the rest of my life for a solid hour, while he tailgated the car ahead of him. He is a total maniac.

I dreaded the ride back...which was as bad as I had expected. As we were leaving town, he expressed his regrets about marrying my mother, describing it as the worst thing he ever did. They have been divorced since I was three, thank God! I told him that if he didn't marry my mother, I wouldn't have been born. He said I would have just been somebody else -- thanks dad! That is the most insensitive thing that has come out of his mouth in a long time.

My family is so harsh and judgemental. Sure I have had a hard time finding what I want to do for the rest of my life. I was pre-med post bac for two years and then I unilaterally decided to persue a master's degree in mass communications. I just dropped out of that program because I don't want to go in debt to be a writer. My mother is a writer and she is starving in a very competitive field (one job she applied for had 500 applications). Writing is too subjective anyway. My family was surprized that I came to visit. One of my aunts was cold and distant. When I told her that I love her, she didn't say that she loved me back. All she said was okay.

I told my dad that I wanted to go out of state to law school. I thought he was going to crap his pants (tuition averages about 45,000 per year for non-residents at some universities). I didn't even tell him about application fees, plane fair for campus visits and interviews, LSAT prep, summer classes (to get letters of recommendation) and the cost of advising. Instead he suggested I should go to a local school that is not registered by the Bar Association. If I went there, I would be in his shadow for the rest of my life. My practice would be limited to a very narrow area where he is the big fish in a small pond. I was very despondant. I though I was going to cry.

It's so obvious that he thinks I am getting up in years to persue a law degree and that waiting another year (most law schools accept in the fall and I've allready missed the deadline for fall 2005) would be a disaster. He also thinks my grades are crap (thanks to OCD and CSP).

I can't get to sleep tonight. One of the reasons is because I am off my meds. I haven't taken any Abilify in two days now. I didn't take any Prozac today because I couldn't take a nap. The picking is much worse. I was going at my face this morning and did quite a bit of damage before I realized that I had to see my family. Then I stopped and started picking at my legs. The Prozac is the only thing that keeps the OCD at bay (I cannot afford therapy), but it also has the side effect of making my relationship with my father less difficult. Since I have gone down on the Prozac, I've been more contentious, easily roused from sleep and less sleepy during the day.

Anyway, I know this has been a long post... and a little off topic. But I am ill at ease with the events of today and I had to get this *shit* off my chest.

[Angelfish]

The picking was bad for a couple of days. I have been off my medication. I had to get refills from the doctor and money. I hope to continue it tonight. I hate picking. Just when you think it is as bad as it can get... it gets worse.

I have to think of a strategy to stop because I've plateaued on the medication. It's not a cure-all. I will do some research on the internet about skin and habit reversal therapy. I wonder if cognitive behavioral therapy will work for picking. It worked for the OCD and I know OCD is related to picking.

On a happier note, I have a boyfriend. He is a long time friend and last night I made him a very happy man

[hoppe]

Hi Angelfish

You made me smile with your last sentence. That is wonderful news.

Maybe CBT might help with the picking. Especially if it helped your OCD. Do you mind sharing your OCD symptoms? And maybe also how the CBT helped? I am trying to look into CBT to figure out if it might help me.

hoppe