flowers journal

[flower]

my OCD story - how it may of begun

well i think it started once my parents had divorced,during that time my mother used to pyshically and mentally abuse me. i found the divorece very hard and my relationship with my mother wasnt here anymore. we would have constant rows and fights to make matters worse i was studying for my GCSE's and had exams coming up.once she had left i would always check the door and check everything was turned off. it was something i had to do, something was telling me to do it. i always thought i was a perfectionist because everything had a particular place. i used to do that alot when i was little. a few years ago then i started getting intrusive thoughts and started hoarding more stuff, useless stuff like magazines, boxes and recipets. i started to more and more things as the months went on and they got more and more worse and i felt really frustrated and depressed. i always thought i was going to go insane or get depression. i convinced my self i would. i rember watching this moring and they were talking about cancer, then i started checking everyday to see if i had breast cancer, i came obsessed by it and at one point i actullay thought i had it. then i watched the news and they started talking about how packets on crisps had cancer coursing things in it. i stopped getting them foods because i didnt want to get cancer. sorry im going on abit now.. i never relased what i was doing was a problem. until it strated interfering with my family life and college. i was to scared to go out of the house in case i was to be run over or kill a person. i always thought i was going to get hurt in some way, i spent years in doors not going out. but until recently i finally went to my doctor and was told i had OCD. which in a way was a relif but i them felt scared because i was worried everyone knew and would treat me differntly. i couldnt do anything. all i kept thinking about was OCD. then it got to the point were i was falling behind on work and i then i was put on medication and i feel a lot better but i still do the things and have my thoughts. ive started going out abit more now . but i still find it hard. sorry if i bored you. this is the first time ive ever wrote something like this

[Molly]

Hey - dpnt be so hard on yourself. You'll realise, which Im sure you already have started to, that this is a very common problem. Its good that you went to get help, that takes a lot of courage. Admitting to strangers that you have a problem is huge. Its huge because it takes a big weight off your shoulders, but I know its huge because vebalising this stuff makes it more real and sometimes harder to deal with, at first, but I promise you, it gets easier.

Is picking your skin a problem for you? You dont mention it in your post, but I guess Im curious as to why you would post on a board that is for skin pickers. You say you've had 'intrusive thoughts'. What do you mean by that? Believe me, there's nothing you can say here that people will be shocked or disgusted by, we all deal with the same thing.

Anyway, well done on writing this post. I hope you can use it to find some support and peace.

love, Molly

[flower]

ive forgotton to mention a few things. i feel i have CSP, i always pick my lip and the skin above my nails until it bleeds. as far as i can rember ive always done it nad never knew why. i go in to a trance like state when i do it and i get embrassed when people stare and ask me about it as its so noticeable . what i mean by intrusive thoughts is that, i get images or thoughts that just pop into my head and cause me distress. sometimes i have a thought like i can push someone infront of a moving train or bus. that im capable of killing someone. today i thought that my mothers husband had brutally murdered her and my brother and i knew every detail, as if i was there. i hate getting them. (i know it sounds wierd and horrible). i feel such a bad person for having them and i want them to stop

[shihui]

hi flower, i'm glad you've found this board. i'm sorry to hear about all that you had to go through...don't feel restricted to express your thoughts here. we're all here to help you and share your joys and sorrows!