Sioned's struggle.....

[sioned]

Ok, here it is - my diary/ picking record/ inspiration/ consolation/ stimulation/ castigation/ encouragement and support thread!

Please feel free to intervene with all or any of the above as deemed appropriate(!), as I share with you my struggle to end this wretched picking that is ruining my life. In my mind I have been permanently battling this face-picking for the last seven years. In reality I have made numerous concerted efforts employing numerous therapies and strategies, and have enjoyed some, albeit very short-lived, but nonetheless relevant success. At most I've managed to keep my face relatively clear for maybe 3 or 4 weeks, but it's insidious, this CSP and before I know it I'm back where I started with a desperately sore, unsightly face, zero self-confidence and a very troubled spirit.

But I am more determined than ever now and have a very concrete goal - to get this under control - ideally as soon as possible (like yesterday!), realistically, by August for my 10 year college reunion, and September for my wedding!

I've been fighting this for so long I feel I have a reservoir of knowledge and understanding of what I have to do to stop - the problem is putting it into action and sustaining it. But for the first time ever I am adding to these the help, support and encouragement of people who know exactly how I feel and are going through the exact same thing themselves. I feel that this is crucial. I have already found so much comfort and support on here and hope that by sharing this struggle I will find and help others to find, the peace we all so desperately crave.
(hmmnn - hope that's not too tall an order!)

OK, I was originally going to start this thread on saturday as that is when I have made myself a chart from, so I will write my progress since then. It's pretty mixed!
Saturday was very nearly a ZT day, I just popped one tiny spot. Sunday was totally ZT (hooray - first day in goodness knows how long!). Monday was terrible! In total I spent somewhere between an hour and half and two hours picking. Tuesday was ZT (hooray again!) and today, wednesday, not so good. I spent an hour picking earlier.
On the basis that I've managed to have a ZT day every other day, tomorrow has to be good!

Thanks for listening so far....

Sioned xx

[Nelly]

Hi sioned,

Way to go on the ZT days! I can't remember the last time I had a ZT day... that would probably be the last time I went on a Caribbean vacation, which was two and a half years ago. Anyway, I hope you keep up the progress. All the best!

Nelly

[molly]

Ok, I realise that ZT means a day without picking, but what does it stand for?

Molly

[Nelly]

Zero Tolerance.

[molly]

ooooooohh ... not zebra turds then?

LOL LOL LOL .......hmmmmm

sorry

Anyway, how's it going sioned? Ive been thinking about you. I saw that you live in Wales. I really want to take my husband there next time we visit the UK. I have a lot of fond and not so fond memories of family holidays in the Gower. Not so fond because I got biten on the boob by a pony! Um, I also remember being there the first time I ever had a picked area on my boob. The thing that frustates me is that the pony bit me right near the sore and my Mum insisted on seeing the bite which wasnt at all bad, but she saw the wound Id created and well, nothing really. Kind of odd really. To think that things could have been stopped before they ever got so out of control. Anyway ..... after much therepy, I forgive my Mum. And hopefully Ill be a better Mum for it.

Anyway, enough about me, how are you doing pick wise? Did you try sitting on your hands?

Molly

[sioned]

thanks for your posts Molly and Nelly.

well today wasn't ZT but it wasn't too bad either - a DG day I think!
I think I should just clarify what I mean by ZT incase people think I'm doing better than I really am! I consider myself to have had a ZT day when I haven't stood in front of a mirror and squeezed at anything on my face. Unfortunately I spend most of the day with my hands running over my face feeling and picking at scabs (being in lectures at the moment is a nightmare!). Anyway, there is no way I could stop doing this at the moment as it is just too much of an automatic thing, I am doing it for ages before I even realise I'm doing it. If I counted this in not picking I would never ever have a ZT day and that would be a bit depressing. So what I am hoping is that by stopping picking/squeezing in the mirror, eventually my face will heal and there will be nothing left to pick at whilst sitting in my lectures/ on the phone/ watching tv etc. And then I will try some habit replacement thing to try and get out of the automatic thing of always touching my face! Anyway - thats kind of in the future, right now I'm concentrating on staying away from the mirror!

Well today I picked for about half an hour when I got in from college but I don't think the damage was too bad, so although I was a bit disappointed with myself I'm not beating myself up over it!

Ok, got to go - told Darren I'd watch Seinfeld with him 40 mins ago (its just come out on DVD over here, I'd never seen it before but I love it, its so funny!)

Molly - haven't sat on my hands yet, but I'm sure the time will come! You made me laugh with the story of your imaginary dog! I had a toy dog (andrex puppy) that's travelled all round the world with me!

OK - ZT day tomorrow, I promise.......

[shihui]

thanks for the post in my journal, sioned.

i'm experiencing the same "automatic reaction"! for me is when i'm sitting in front of the computer and when i sit on the table, doing my school work. my hand will automatically go to my face. many times i pick without realising it. can't do much about this because i have to use the computer! i'm just such a computer person. as for school work, erm...i have to face it even if i don't want to. haha

hope you're still on ZT right now! *hugs*

[molly]

Hey

I was just thinking about you, I hope you're doing ok and being stronger than me.

Molly

[sioned]

Well it's been about five days since I last wrote anything here and I'm not sure how the time has disappeared so quickly! It's been a strange few days and my mood has been all the over place - so much so I'm not sure if I can remember all my mood swings and picking incidents but I'll give it a go.....!

I last wrote on thursday which I said was a DG day. On Friday I managed ZT and again on Saturday until literally just before going to bed. It was really annoying because I had this big sore between my eyebrows which has been there for ages because I keep picking it (why else?!) and at last I'd left it alone for long enough for it to be healing well. Then it suddenly started hurting again and I could feel a new spot developing right underneath the bit that was healing - aagghh!
I was going out for a meal that night with my fiance's family and I always feel pretty self-conscious about my face anyway, but recently its been worse (because the picking has been worse) so I was determined I wasn't going to pick before the meal. But once we got back I just had to squeeze at that spot between my eyebrows.
Even though I still more or less counted Saturday as a ZT day I felt really tense and anxious all day because there was plenty I wanted to pick and squeeze at. I think all over the weekend I was feeling anxious and worried that my face didn't seem to be healing fast enough for me to feel I could maintain the momentum of the ZT days.
Anyway, Sunday wasn't bad in terms of picking. I just picked a little at two or three spots, but enough to feel it couldn't be called ZT. But as I said, the weekend felt really strange because I thought I should feel good about the fact that I had done minimal picking, but I didn't; I just felt stressed about the fact that the urges were so strong.
By Sunday night the urge to thoroughly check my face and pick at things was so much I knew I would end up picking in the morning. I have a study week this week so I knew I would be in the flat on my own a lot during the week so I thought that if I could reduce my anxiety and urges by picking a bit on Monday morning, then hopefully I'd be able to go ZT for the rest of the week.
So I picked on Monday morning at first for an hour which didn't seem to do too much damage and I was thinking I was going to be safe, but then after I'd had a wash I ended up picking for another hour which undid all the good that my ZT days had done - so by then I was pretty pissed off with myself.
So, for our third Valentine's day together I was looking a complete mess and unable to believe that yet again I'd failed to live up to the vow I'd made after last Valentine's day - i.e. that by the following year I would have stopped picking my face!

Yesterday (tuesday) was DG rather than ZT but again it was one of those days where my mood fluctuated so much and one minute I didn't feel so bad about my face and felt positive that although it looked pretty rough right then, it would get better quite quickly and I would be able to beat this - and then a bit later I'd suddenly plunge to the depths of despair and think "who I am kidding, look at the state of me, I'm never going to get this under control, I've destroyed my skin and my confidence and my life blah blah blah etc etc".
It didn't help that I ended up having to go out last night when I wasn't expecting too (it was arrangements made ages ago that I thought had been cancelled but it turned out others were still expecting to go out so I felt it would be unfair to back out). Anyway, at the pub I bumped into an old school friend and felt really self conscious because of what a mess I looked (I hadn't even bothered to dress up and I just had old jeans and a hooded jumper on). The weird thing about it was that the girl I saw, when we were in schoo she had pretty bad acne and very greasy skin which didn't really clear up completely till a few years ago. But last night her skin was flawless and she looked really lovely. It just kind of emphasised to me how I feel that I'm regressing with age, rather than getting better. I was thinking - your skin is supposed to get better as you get older, not worse! Who's skin looks worse when they're in their twenties than it did when they were in school? (answer - mine!) And that really depressed me and I felt I really sad and heavy hearted going to bed last night.

And on to today.....
well I felt better on waking up and was mostly thinking about how I need to concentrate on all the college work I have to do this week and should have made a good start with already (I haven't). I think my guard was down a bit because I didn't think I'd pick so of course that is when I end up picking! I probably picked for about 45 mins which was especiallt stupid because I knew my mum and aunty were going to call in at some point for coffee. I have these sores, most of which started off as the the teeniest spot ever and seem to have grown exponentially with every time I touch them, and they have been on my face for weeks. Occassionally in the past when I've had sores like this I have cut into them very lightly with a razor blade which makes them bleed a lot but also feels like its cleaning them out and afterwards they don't feel raised and as if they are full of gunk, and they seem to heal quicker (if I can leave them alone long enough). Anyway - this morning I attacked two of these sores with a blade which seemed like quite a rational thing to be doing until I somehow stood back from myself and was able to think "what the hell are you doing? it is NOT normal to cut your face with a razor blade"...... oh dear - I feel I have a very long way to go before this is over!

[sioned]

(cont.d from previous post)

Anyway - after cleaning up the blood and doing my make-up etc I didn't look too terrible (I'm always at my most self-conscious when I have to see my mum so I spent ages doing my make-up to get everything covered properly). I was trying to make myself feel a little better about the situation and I realised that apart from these 8 sores I have (at various stages of healing), my skin is actually pretty good - I mean I don't have any new spots (I actually rarely get spots, just tiny blackheads which I pick and turn into these huge sores). Because I've picked much less than usual over the past week and when I have picked it has mostly been at existing sores, the rest of my face has had a chance to recover and is looking good for it. This made me realise if I can just leave these sores alone for long enough to heal my skin will look so much better. For the time being this thought has given me some momentum and incentive to keep going and try to keep positive.

I spend my life wondering what's the best thing to do to try and help my face heal and I go through so many different phases. Sometimes I cover the sores up with plasters whilst I'm in the flat (and will avoid going out unless I absolutely have to so that I can keep the plasters on for as long as possible). Other times I leave them uncovered except for cream on them and wear gloves and cover the mirrors to stop myself checking, touching and picking (this is quite dangerous though because I can so easily take the gloves off - sometimes without even being conscious of it). Other times I get up in the morning and put make up on and cover all the sores and blotches so that I look ok and hope that that will discourage me from picking because if I look in the mirror I can't see the sores clearly and the make-up covers any blackheads etc. The problem with this approach is that I feel the make-up is clogging up the sores and probably preventing them from healing so well.

Right now I have loads of college work to do, which is stressful in itself, but made worse by the fact I'm trying to decide what is the best thing to do as far as trying not to pick and getting my face to heal is concerned. I don't actually have to go out anywhere till Sunday (I think) so I could cover the sores with plasters and leave them till Sunday which would probably be really good. On the other hand I feel I haven't been concentating well on my work here in the flat and I think I would work better in the library. However this means getting up and putting make-up on each day and having it on all day till I get in which as I said makes my face feel dirty and I feel the sores won't heal - plus I find it really hard to not touch my face at all whilst I'm working (even if I've got gloves on) and I think at least if the sores are covered with a plaster I'm not getting germs in them when I touch my face. However, the problem with the first option is that I really don't think I want to spend the next few days in the flat without going out at all - I hate being cooped up (another reason I hate myself so much for putting myself in a position where I feel I can't go out cos I look so awful, yet I hate staying indoors all the time) and also, if I stay in the flat I am on my own whilst my fiance is at work and there is the danger I'll feel the sores aren't healing under the plasters and I'll rip them off and end up picking after all!
I think at this point I'm feeling so self-absorbed and disgusted with myself for this total obsession with my face that if I don't get out of the flat for the next few days I will go mad. (If I had to go to college and face people it would be different i.e I wouldn't want to do that. But at least with the library I can just go in and find a table and just get on with my work without having to talk to anyone, but I also won't feel like I'm cooped up on my own).

Oh God, I can't believe how long this post is. I have just poured out all the thoughts and frustrations of the last few days and although its helped to get it off my chest I can't help but feel disgusted with myself for having this obsession in the first place. If anyone has read this whole post it is a miracle and I would like to apologise sincerely for boring the pants off you - but thank-you also for sharing in my pain.
I actually have so much more I want to write about - I went to a hypnotherapist yesterday for the second time and I want to share that experience with everyone, but its going to have to wait for a day or so I think (unless I really can't concentrate on my work and have a burst of energy later!)

Ok - I really am finishing this ridiculous post now.

Sioned xx

[Nelly]

Hi sioned,

I'm sorry that you've had some relapses. Please don't be too hard on yourself though..

As I just wrote in my journal, I had a minor setback today myself; i.e. I was "cleansing" my pores for about half an hour this morning when I had hoped to be done fussing over my face in 5 or 10 minutes (by using that time to apply a bit of concealer). That pissed me off somewhat, because I was late for work, even though I think the damage is fairly minor.

This just goes to show that there's no way to realistically expect of yourself to stop picking cold turkey one day and never touch your face again. It's a long and difficult struggle, which involves many setbacks along the way. You should be proud of yourself that you had all those ZT days. I hope there's many more to come.

BTW, I know what you mean when you say that you don't want to stay cooped up at home, but at the same time you don't want to wear tons of makeup that will clog up your pores. Maybe you could put some concealer only on the picked sores, even if it doesn't look flawless and then go to the library. You said that you don't have to interact with anyone at the library, so you won't have to feel too self-conscious and that might be a decent compromise..

Wishing you lots of strength and peace,

Nelly

[shihui as guest]

hi sioned! that was a really long post! i guess it was good to pour out everything that has been in you for the past few days that you've not updated about.

i've also had a lot of work to do for the past few days. really stressful. don't overload yourself. i have always thought of going to the library to do my work as i think i would be more productive there. but it's always the face that stops me from doing so.

the weekend is here. hope those plasters will help control picking and hasten healing. take this time to rest

[sioned]

thanks Nelly and Shihui for your replies to that awfully long post! I really did have a lot to blurt out - and you know what's really true? there isn't anywhere else I could have done that and know that people actually understand what I'm going on about - or at least have similar concerns of their own!

Anyway - so much for all the deliberations about where I should go to do my work... I went to the library on Thursday morning and had only been there for an hour or so when I somehow managed to do something to my back. I don't really know if I pulled a muscle or trapped a nerve or what. It's happened before quite a lot of times in the exact same place and it is soooo painful. One minute I'm sitting there reading, the next I'm in total agony, unable to move because its so painful! I couldn't believe it happened just when I really needed to feel fine and get on with my work! I sat there for about an hour trying to carry on working whilst crying buckets of silent tears (I couldn't even blow my nose because it was too painful to make any movement!). Then I tried phoning my fiance in work but he was in a conference so eventually I dragged my bag of heavy books outside the library and managed to get a taxi home. There I just crashed on the sofa with hot water bottles and pillows and lots of painkillers, and just stayed there all day, in agony! Yesterday was a bit better but not much - I was feeling a bit better in the morning and in the afternoon I managed to do a bit of work, but by early evening my whole neck and shoulder just seized up and it was really painful again! Today its a bit better, but still reallly painful to try and stay in the same position for long - so trying to study is not easy! - AAAGGGHHH! I think I am going to have to try and get an extension for this essay otherwise I'll never finish it on time.

As for picking - well, thursday was a ZT day! (funnily enough I was in too much agony to pick!). Yesterday I was annoyed with myself because I actually picked for about an hour in the morning even though it was really painful to do so (I guess that shows how strong this compulsion is!). Then today has been ZT so far - and I have no intention of picking between now and bed so hopefully I'm safe in calling it a ZT day!

Ok, got to go - going out and suddenly have to be ready sooner than first thought - agghh, why does it take so long to cover up all my picked areas???!!!

[shihui as guest]

sioned! i agree with what you said about people understanding you in this group. i think that others who do not have this disorder will never seem to understand what we have to go through...only those who have can.

please go see a doctor! the way you described it seems to me that it's really painful, and you don't really know the cause of it. it's safer to see a doc as soon as possible. don't let the problem drag for too long!

take care! *hugs*

[sioned]

Wow, I actually managed a ZT weekend! I just picked one tiny spot on my nose that was "ready" so to speak, but that was it!
And at long last the effort of all the ZT days is starting to pay off and I actually came to college this morning for the first time in soooo long without thinking I need to avoid everyone and try and blend into the wall or something so no-one sees me!

Without make-up my face still looks a sight, I have so many scars and discolourations but at least most of the scabs are gone now and my skin is mostly intact.
I am so so nervous though! Even this morning as I was getting ready it was so tempting to pick at things and I know that for a while it is going to get harder before it gets easier - I just have to pray lots and come on this site as much as possible to try and vent my feelings on here instead of on myself in a destructive way!

I have been in this situation so so many times and it is scary how one minute I can be determined that I'm never going to let my skin get in such a state again, and then all of a sudden I'm picking again - it's sooo easy to get sucked in and to believe that awful voice in my head that says "I'm only picking this one spot, I'm only checking, I'm not going to touch etc etc".
I have to be so strong - I really hope I can do it (that sentence does nothing to express the strength of feeling behind it!)
Aaagghh - ok I just need to keep calm and really concentrate on just taking one day at a time - or maybe even one hour at a time!

As for my back and shoulder - yes I will go to the doctor Shihui, as it happens quite often and is really disabling when it does. I'm not sure the Dr will be able to do much but you never know! I was quite surprised actually, I read in one of my nursing magazines on the weekend how one of the most common reasons for women to visit their GP is with upper back and neck problems! Quite ironic as I was sitting there nursing a sore back and neck myself!

I have to work really hard now this week to get my essay done which means I'll probably have to skip some lectures. Anyway I decided to try and do as much of my work as possible in the library so hopefully I won't be able to pick as I might end up doing if I stay at home to work. Wish me luck!