Post by molly on Feb 8, 2005 12:06:00 GMT -5
Hey, Im new to this so bear with me. I just wanted to tell my story.
Im a 30 yr old Female whos picked at anything she could since she was very small. I remember picking when I was 4! It wasnt a problem until I reached puberty and all hell broke loose. I started at about 14 picked my upper arms. I became obsessed with those little raised lumps you get there. the wounds would get big and the more infected they got, the more pleasure I got out 'dealing' with them. I used pins and my fingernails. Then it moved to EVERYWHERE. My face was the worst. Ime not sure I can talk about it, I have such shame about it. Mmmmm. I guess I know you guys know what its like, so I dont need ot explain.
This is too difficult. I have so much to say and I dont know where ot begin. This thing has been my god for so long, it rules my life, it destroys me when I fail.
I am married now and my husband is such an amazing blessing to me. We've been talking about maybe starting a family but it scares the crap out of me, that I wouldnt be able to cope looking after a baby and that Id pick even more, and that I might pass these things onto a child. We said that before we start a family, I have to stop picking my breasts. So Ive been trying hard. Ive been wearing those exfoliating gloves before during and after showering and that, surprisingly has helped so far. Ive also been washing my face at night and cleaning my teeth in the kitchen sink then going straigt upstairs to bed - thus avoiding the dreaded bathroom mirror.
Before I wrote this paragraph I wrote a whole load of stuff about what Ive done to myslef. It was good therepy for me to see that stuff written down - its so shocking. However, I decided to delete it because I dont want this to cause someone else to pick at something or try a new 'technique' because or what Ive written. I dont want this to be a 'look how badly Ive picked, see all the awful things Ive done to myself, Im worse than you' thing. Do you know what I mean? Anyway. I knwo that Im close to getting better. I goes for as long as I can without picking. And I fail - ofter, BUT I CANT GIVE UP. I just have to wake up the next day, and start all over again. People say alcoholics and drug addicts have a hard time going cold turkey. This is no easier. Ive always thought that this was even more difficult. If you lock a drug addict in a room, an alcoholic in a room and a self injurer/compulsive skin picker in a room, the other two dont have access to their 'problem', but we cant escape from oursleves.
I want to encourage you all. I know how you all feel. I read so many personal entries, and it scared me that I could have wriiten all of them. You're NOT alone, you CAN beat this, I believe that our bodies are just temporary and when we die we will get new beautiful, perfect bodies. Yes, Im a Christian - but I wouldnt be here now if it wasnt for God. I know that he is more powerful than any urge I have or then anything that has a grip on me. I know that I went through (am going through) has a purpose, and I believe that purpose is to help others. This is such a shameful, taboo subject and people need ot realise that they're not the only ones who do this. I just want to help and encourage.
Take care everyone. x
Im a 30 yr old Female whos picked at anything she could since she was very small. I remember picking when I was 4! It wasnt a problem until I reached puberty and all hell broke loose. I started at about 14 picked my upper arms. I became obsessed with those little raised lumps you get there. the wounds would get big and the more infected they got, the more pleasure I got out 'dealing' with them. I used pins and my fingernails. Then it moved to EVERYWHERE. My face was the worst. Ime not sure I can talk about it, I have such shame about it. Mmmmm. I guess I know you guys know what its like, so I dont need ot explain.
This is too difficult. I have so much to say and I dont know where ot begin. This thing has been my god for so long, it rules my life, it destroys me when I fail.
I am married now and my husband is such an amazing blessing to me. We've been talking about maybe starting a family but it scares the crap out of me, that I wouldnt be able to cope looking after a baby and that Id pick even more, and that I might pass these things onto a child. We said that before we start a family, I have to stop picking my breasts. So Ive been trying hard. Ive been wearing those exfoliating gloves before during and after showering and that, surprisingly has helped so far. Ive also been washing my face at night and cleaning my teeth in the kitchen sink then going straigt upstairs to bed - thus avoiding the dreaded bathroom mirror.
Before I wrote this paragraph I wrote a whole load of stuff about what Ive done to myslef. It was good therepy for me to see that stuff written down - its so shocking. However, I decided to delete it because I dont want this to cause someone else to pick at something or try a new 'technique' because or what Ive written. I dont want this to be a 'look how badly Ive picked, see all the awful things Ive done to myself, Im worse than you' thing. Do you know what I mean? Anyway. I knwo that Im close to getting better. I goes for as long as I can without picking. And I fail - ofter, BUT I CANT GIVE UP. I just have to wake up the next day, and start all over again. People say alcoholics and drug addicts have a hard time going cold turkey. This is no easier. Ive always thought that this was even more difficult. If you lock a drug addict in a room, an alcoholic in a room and a self injurer/compulsive skin picker in a room, the other two dont have access to their 'problem', but we cant escape from oursleves.
I want to encourage you all. I know how you all feel. I read so many personal entries, and it scared me that I could have wriiten all of them. You're NOT alone, you CAN beat this, I believe that our bodies are just temporary and when we die we will get new beautiful, perfect bodies. Yes, Im a Christian - but I wouldnt be here now if it wasnt for God. I know that he is more powerful than any urge I have or then anything that has a grip on me. I know that I went through (am going through) has a purpose, and I believe that purpose is to help others. This is such a shameful, taboo subject and people need ot realise that they're not the only ones who do this. I just want to help and encourage.
Take care everyone. x
Anyway, but I feel so out of control when I get into that trance of picking.