Post by pickish on Jan 11, 2005 6:52:51 GMT -5
I think posting a journal here would help me SOOOooo much. It's like, 5 am here--I woke up around 3:30 and was just gonna have a smoke and surf and go back to bed, but here I am 
. So I don't know how far I'll get for now, but I want to tell my story and try to work thru some stuff and beat this thing.
So, a little about myself....I'm 26, I have a REALLY fair complexion, I can't tan at all and I have TONS of freckles (I would get freckle lines in the summer instead of tan lines
). I've been picking since the beginning of time...first my hands and feet (more about that below), then my scalp in 4th or 5th grade, then zits and obvious pimples on my face as a teenager, then the obvious blackheads, from which point it spiralled out of control to the not so obvious blackheads, small bumps, freckles, upper arms, upper and lower back, thighs, butt, chest, neck....you name it.
I've always had this weird peeling issue with my hands and feet. It's like when you peel after a really bad sunburn--and it goes in cycles. I'll have nice, normal looking hands for a period of time, and then just out of the blue, I'll get a little white bubble on a finger where the skin raises up--and of course, as soon as I notice it, I either bite it away or pick it off...then another appears on another finger, and another....then I take a shower and when I get out, I've got bigger bubbles to pick at.....almost as if I'm shedding the outter layer of skin like a snake, hehe. For about 6 weeks at a time, I've got shredded skin on my fingertips, then it just clears up and comes back again after a few months. I'll pick at them so badly that in spots the skin gets peeled too far and I'll get red raw spots that hurt for days.
Beyond that, I've always chewed my nails, and the skin around my nails....my thumbs don't go a day without hangnails and usually bleeding because I just can't leave it alone.
As a teenager, I got the really bad acne that a lot of us get, but it wasn't just my face, but my back and my butt, too. And going to the dermatologist just didn't seem like an option, I don't think my parents had the money for it. So I'd pick and squeeze and spend hours in front of the mirror. I can't remember specifically, but I'm sure I'd absently pick at myself while at school and make myself bleed, then get embarrassed and frantically try to get the bleeding to stop before anyone noticed.
I still pick to the point of bleeding.....probably more so now than ever. And I do it in public, I just do a quick scan to make sure everyone's eyes are averted, usually. I have shirts that have little blood spots on the back around my shoulder blade area. And I'm really pissed at myself lately because I splurged on a nice sheet/comforter set that I really loved and there are little blood spots on the sheets and pillowcases....and dangit if I didn't try to shout em out, but they didn't wash out!!! argh!
My positive note is that my skin has been improving--FINALLY, I'm 26 for jeebus-sake! I used to get the deep painful cyst-like-zits a lot on my face, neck, chest, back and butt, but not so many lately. Man, I go to work on those....and the sick thing is that I've almost got it down to a science....I know at which point they are ready to pop and just the right way to apply pressure. I'm a freakin expert at zit popping....GREAT! I think the BC I've been taking has been helping my skin a lot...yasmin. I didn't get much improvement when I took orthotriwhateveritis, but yasin does seem to be helping.
So yeah, I'm a complete headcase, but at least I'm learning to calm down about it. My teens and early 20's were so difficult because everything was just SO drama-ridden for me....I've really gotten to a point now where I'm finally learning to just relax and take things as they come. My husband, who is also a complete headcase btw, has been a big help in his own weird little ways. I'm sure I'll get that some other day, but I gotta wrap this up for the night and try to get a little more sleep.
I hope I haven't said anything too gross or stupid.....
. So I don't know how far I'll get for now, but I want to tell my story and try to work thru some stuff and beat this thing.So, a little about myself....I'm 26, I have a REALLY fair complexion, I can't tan at all and I have TONS of freckles (I would get freckle lines in the summer instead of tan lines
). I've been picking since the beginning of time...first my hands and feet (more about that below), then my scalp in 4th or 5th grade, then zits and obvious pimples on my face as a teenager, then the obvious blackheads, from which point it spiralled out of control to the not so obvious blackheads, small bumps, freckles, upper arms, upper and lower back, thighs, butt, chest, neck....you name it.I've always had this weird peeling issue with my hands and feet. It's like when you peel after a really bad sunburn--and it goes in cycles. I'll have nice, normal looking hands for a period of time, and then just out of the blue, I'll get a little white bubble on a finger where the skin raises up--and of course, as soon as I notice it, I either bite it away or pick it off...then another appears on another finger, and another....then I take a shower and when I get out, I've got bigger bubbles to pick at.....almost as if I'm shedding the outter layer of skin like a snake, hehe. For about 6 weeks at a time, I've got shredded skin on my fingertips, then it just clears up and comes back again after a few months. I'll pick at them so badly that in spots the skin gets peeled too far and I'll get red raw spots that hurt for days.
Beyond that, I've always chewed my nails, and the skin around my nails....my thumbs don't go a day without hangnails and usually bleeding because I just can't leave it alone.
As a teenager, I got the really bad acne that a lot of us get, but it wasn't just my face, but my back and my butt, too. And going to the dermatologist just didn't seem like an option, I don't think my parents had the money for it. So I'd pick and squeeze and spend hours in front of the mirror. I can't remember specifically, but I'm sure I'd absently pick at myself while at school and make myself bleed, then get embarrassed and frantically try to get the bleeding to stop before anyone noticed.
I still pick to the point of bleeding.....probably more so now than ever. And I do it in public, I just do a quick scan to make sure everyone's eyes are averted, usually. I have shirts that have little blood spots on the back around my shoulder blade area. And I'm really pissed at myself lately because I splurged on a nice sheet/comforter set that I really loved and there are little blood spots on the sheets and pillowcases....and dangit if I didn't try to shout em out, but they didn't wash out!!! argh!
My positive note is that my skin has been improving--FINALLY, I'm 26 for jeebus-sake! I used to get the deep painful cyst-like-zits a lot on my face, neck, chest, back and butt, but not so many lately. Man, I go to work on those....and the sick thing is that I've almost got it down to a science....I know at which point they are ready to pop and just the right way to apply pressure. I'm a freakin expert at zit popping....GREAT! I think the BC I've been taking has been helping my skin a lot...yasmin. I didn't get much improvement when I took orthotriwhateveritis, but yasin does seem to be helping.
So yeah, I'm a complete headcase, but at least I'm learning to calm down about it. My teens and early 20's were so difficult because everything was just SO drama-ridden for me....I've really gotten to a point now where I'm finally learning to just relax and take things as they come. My husband, who is also a complete headcase btw, has been a big help in his own weird little ways. I'm sure I'll get that some other day, but I gotta wrap this up for the night and try to get a little more sleep.
I hope I haven't said anything too gross or stupid.....