elisha14 Journal

[elisha14]

Hi everyone

I have decided to post here because 1. I feel I need to record my thoughts to get to the bottom of this. 2. If its a public forum maybe I will be able to keep my thoughts more focused than I do when I write to myself. So feel free to read, skim, skip. Just thanks for being there.

It started last night...I had not picked very much that day at all just slightly at night before I pulled myself to ZT...I asked my husband to accompany me on a very unfortunate errand and he said no for very legitimate reasons. It was also the day before my work week began and I hate my work week. I began to get very tense and aggrivated. It was overwhelming how angry I felt and I knew I really didn't have a right to be but I was so tense I didn't feel I could calm myself down. Finally I did because it was my husband's birthday today and just generally I realized that I couldn't take my anxiety out on him. Recently he has said that I have been really tense and it worried him, which in turn worried me as well. So I was extra nice. (I have a fear that my husband hasn't been very attracted to me lately b/c of my face but doesn't want to tell me-I worry about that alot)

Anyway the next morning, my husband woke me up to tell me he would do his best to accompany me on the errand if I needed him. This was especially nice of him. I went downstairs and had a coffee a tea and 2 oatmeal packets. (thought I would include nutrition stuff too just to track)

I almost avoided picking during the morning. I was working from home-I tend to get very distracted and begin to pick. Sure enough right before I got in the shower I started to pick at my arms and chest it was probably 25 Min or so. I half showered (no hot water) then went to the errand. I had to testify in a foriegn court in a case against my landlord-a complicated and annoying matter in which I had not involvement except that they wanted me to prove their innocence.

Then 3.5 hours later I went to have a coffee and a salad. It was pouring outside which often makes me sad. Instead of going back to work like I intended- I went to find the other part of my husbands present. I did that for a few hours and then came home. Then I cleaned and I was really depressed I remember - but don't know why now. Does that ever happen to anyone else? Depressed so often you don't remember why? How pathetic am I?

I was meeting my husband and some friends for some dinner. He was exhausted by his day of meetings and so he changed our plans last minute-I got extremely annoyed again for a few minutes. Then we went to a restaurant and my husband exhausted, seemed underwhelmed by efforts at celebrating his birthday. ( Wow I am so selfish to be complaining about his behavior and overreacting to everything. ) We had middle eastern food.

Then I came home and my husband went back to meetings. I called a friend of mine backhome and we caught up on the phone for a bit. She asked me at one point what my plans were for grad school, an innocent question that triggered a huge picking session afterward like an hour almost.I think I have one cystic spot too. I just didn't care about myself enough to stop.

Oh I remember now what I was depressed about before. I felt bad for my husband > I am always so anxious getting too worked up about everything. We just got married and I just got thoughts about how difficult it must be for him to be with a person like me all the time. God- I don't come off as this awful all the time out loud. When I'm content I don't talk like this-but I just feel so depressed latelty. My old therapist always told me to be nice to myself but I still dont know what that means. How do I do that when I feel this way? That's what I was feeling...my poor husband. Not that he complains about this. I just feel it.


So my friend's comment triggered this last picking session. I had an established career path for a while that was leading me to a PHd. I left because I decided I really didn't want to commit the time and money to that career choice which would put me in significant debt for some time- not to mention that I wasn't enjoying it so much anymore. I am doing a perfectly respectable job now but I always feel I am being judged by everyone-my husband is the exception here. My community culture and tradition dictates that everyone should know what they are going to do and pursue it right away-and it has to be up to a certain standard or you are a failure- at least that's how I iinterpret these things. I've internalized a lot of my community values. Anyway- I feel I am failing by not knowing where I'm going next. I'm not that old. I'm only 26. But I feel like all the clocks are clicking too loud and fast and I better figure it out soon.

Also my brother is in town. I saw in on Friday and that was very difficult for me. But that's a story for another time.

Thanks for listening.

TEXT

[hoppe]

Hi e14

Thank you for the post in my journal!

I am sorry you had a picking session because of your friend's comment. I know about the feeling of not knowing where to go, what to do. I left a PhD position in the beginning of last year because I tried to picture myself some years down the road and it was such a frightening thought, I left. I did not really have plans and people around me were shocked and kept asking - what will you do now? I remember my mother saying something like 'so what now, will you sit around at home for the rest of your life?' I think that was rather rude - I mean I am 25! - just because I was not doing anything right there does not mean that it would be like that forever!
However, after some time, I was really lucky, and I found a PhD positon in another field. Although it is really hard to change fields, I have never been happier about my work than I am now. It is so much more important to be happy than to do what others expect from you, remember that. I hope you will also find something that makes you really happy.

I recognized myself in what you wrote about having problems to be nice to oneself. For years and years I could not - because deep down I felt I did not deserve it. I think my picking has aspects of self-punishment too. However, since I started therapy I have taken small steps at a time trying to take better care of myself, listen to my needs. It is really difficult, because I have these years of misguided thinking that I am not worth it .... . But I am getting better at it. I hope you will too. You are valuable. Try to tell yourself that, at least once a day. Maybe you will not believe it right away, but it might sink in after a while. Try something like 'I am a kind, valuable person. I have a lot to give, and my husband is lucky to be with someone like me. I am worth it to be nice to myself. I will start by doing X ... - (for X fill in - making a nice cup of tea for myself, taking a hot bath, smile at myself in the mirror, buy flowers just for me, etc...).

hoppe

[Dreamer]

Dear Elisha14,

When I read your entry, you reminded me a lot of myself. I also always feel anxious and depressed about my relationships with other people, but I try to step back and examine the good things about myself, the reasons why people love me. I think that might be what your therapist meant by being nice to yourself. Don't focus solely on your negative aspects... it is so easy to get caught up in them. For your husband to marry you, he must love you for who you are on the inside. Your husband's love and support could be really important in helping you overcome picking, so maybe you can try to talk to him about it. Good luck with everything!

Dreamer

[elisha14]

Thanks everyone for their support. It's so nice to have people to listen.
I find its so hard for me to find confidants that I trust enough to spill everything. It's nice to have a forum to do so.

Last night while my husband was on the computer and had taken a break. I checked this site to see if I had gotten any replies. Then instead of closing it when I got up I opened It wide and I am pretty sure he saw the site. Was this the way I was trying to subconsciously tell him about this. I felt really ridiculous about that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't matured at all in the past ten years. In some ways I've accomplished alot but in other ways so little. I wonder how I can really have children in a few years if I can't take care of myself.

Anyway, the night ended and I went to bed. My husband joined me a few minutes later. He had been really depressed about his birthday and told me so. He told me he had heard a lecture that day where the lecturer had pointed out the importance of marrying the right person and he said he was so glad he had. Of course instead of appreciating this I just thanked him and cried about how depressed I felt while he slept. You know in retrospect everything seems so needless --all the sadness I feel. But why is it only in retrospect???

My day was ok. But I ended up getting very upset and distressed about how much work I have to do on this one project before the end of the month. Its an enormous amount and I feel overwhelmed. I am at my usual crossroads-as is typical of me-instead of trying my best I second guess myself- I think that I will do poorly. Or my best won't be good enough and I begin to fall apart instead of tackling it head on.
My old therapist said that I dont want to suceed b/c others' expectations of me will change and I'd be too afraid of people expecting me to be at my best all the time. Or something. My brother has down syndrome and I, as the oldest of three, have always felt in some way that my behavior needs to compensate for his or that I am constantly responsible for his lost potential. God its been so long since I've talked about that stuff. SO for the past bunch of years-a lot of years- even though I've done ok for myself-I feel I might have the potential to produce excellent things (reports, projects, life events etc) could force myself to live up to another standard. But instead I worry and get anxious and caught up with anxiety until the last minute and then I produce something that is far away from what I know I could do but not bad In general. In the end I forget about potential I just feel incompetent, anxious and inevitably pick.

Today- I smoked two cigarettes something I quit so long ago. Was that my way of proving to myself how desparate I was!? I just felt awful. Then I came home feeling sick from that and tried to make myself throw up. I don't know why. Except that I feel fat. Then I began to pick of course. I really want to go to a therapist but don't have the $. I feel like I'm just wasting my life. I tried to negotiate around my wedding that all this would stop. But it hasn't. I am living in a very tense environment-in Jerusalem literally in the middle of the palestinian israeli conflict this year. Maybe this has exacerbated everything.

That's all for now

[Hecate]

Hi,E14

Thanks for posting in my journal.I can relate 2 some of the stuff you're dealing with.This month I'll have my 27-th birthday & like you I'm worried about not living up 2 my potential & that creates anxiety & stress & I end up feeling stuck & doing a lot less then I'm capable of.I'm working on breaking this cycle & replacing the fear with faith.

The support I've found on this board has helped me a lot & I hope it will work for you ,as well.Welcome & thank you for being here.

[elisha14 not logged in]

Was doing fine. Planned to go out later. Then the mirror came a long. And I had to touch my face and then pick for no more than five minutes. The marks are there so now I'm sitting at home like an ass.
e14

[elisha14]

And last night my husband and I got in a fight about how unhappy I was.
He told me not to hurt myself anymore but as soon as he left I couldn't help it. I went in to the bathroom and picked.
I need to figure it out.