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Post by Dreamer on Dec 30, 2004 16:22:29 GMT -5
I think I need to start having a journal, or I will probably never get better. I had 7 pick free days and my skin looked so great! ;D But then I had a major relapse today.  I guess that I was just really upset and didnt try to control the compulsion at all. I don't really even know what I was upset about. I think it was the snow...and then I was also upset because I was upset about the snow. Then other stupid things like I have so much homework that I haven't started yet, and college applications to finsih. But I hate that when I get upset that I take it out on myself...all it does is make me more upset. I think I will try to start writing down my feelings here. It makes me feel better to know that everyone here knows what I am going through. Well the new year is starting soon, and I really hope that I can recover in 2005. Happy New Year, everyone. And may you have a pick-free year. Dreamer |
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Post by hoppe on Dec 31, 2004 1:08:39 GMT -5
Hi Dreamer I am sorry to hear you picked! I hope it was not to bad. Try to focus on the positive - seven days pick-free - that is truly amazing! I try to consider relapses are a part of recovery, and I think they might make us stronger. They remind us that the picker-demon still is within and to be careful. I wonder why you were upset about the snow? I think snow makes everything look so innocent - untouched - I usually like it very much (and I kind of have to, since we have snow from november to april ...). But maybe the snow destroyed some plans for you? I hope you will be finished with your homework quickly and that you are going to have a nice New Year's Eve. Sending you a healing smile.  hoppe |
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Post by Dreamer on Dec 31, 2004 18:50:09 GMT -5
Thank you, Hoppe, for your kind words. I am not really sure why I was upset about the snow...maybe because there is so so much and because we spent 3 hours shoveling it and because now we are stuck here for the weekend because the roads are so bad. And then I was also upset because when I was a little girl I loved the snow because it is so pretty and I loved to play in it. I guess to me it was more like lost innocence than innocence.
Today has been ok because so far I have had no compulsion to pick, and except for one scab, my face doesn't even look that bad from yesterday's relapse. So hopefully I can start anew for the new year. I don't usually make resolutions, but this year I want to try to recover. I hate picking and it scares me that people can go for 30-40 years with it...I don't want that to be me.
Happy New Year everyone!
Dreamer
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Post by hoppe on Jan 1, 2005 2:11:13 GMT -5
Hi Dreamer I am sorry you are stuck where you are because of the snow. I know what you mean about lost innocence - but try to take a look inside - isn't there still a little girl inside of you that feels happy/excited because of the snow? If you find it, smile and enjoy the feeling. You know, the other day I was very depressed (after a bad picking session ....) and I thought that now it might be the right time to end it. And then I looked out of the window, snow had fallen overnight and the sun was shining and I could feel this little girl inside of me that wanted to go out and build a snowman and forget about all the pain in the world and inside of me. I did not go out, but feeling her presence helped me that day and made me realize that I do not want to die. I want to live and be happy - (and get children soon so that I have a good excuse to build snowmen again  ) I am glad the damage you did to your skin was not to bad. I hope that you will be able to beat this during the new year. Happy New Year! hoppe |
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Post by Dreamer on Jan 2, 2005 21:25:24 GMT -5
Yesterday (January 1) was an absolutely awful day. I spent New Year's eve alone, which wasn't bad, but relaxing and peaceful. New year's day, however, was just bad. I babysat and I was bored and cold and frustrated and I kept eating. Then I when I got home I felt disgusted with myself and wanted to be bulimic. I worry that I have an inclination towards compulsive behaviors and I hate it. I would rather be bulimic than a compulsive eater, but both are terrible and I hate being this way.
I have been thinking though, a lot about myself lately and I guess I am a perfectionist, at least about myself physically. The time that I found out I had scoliosis was around the time that I started picking. I guess I figured that since I had an imperfection that I couldn't control, I could at least try to control others...and thus began the massacre of my face. I also think my mother has a lot to do with my anxiety that causes compulsive behavior. She puts a lot of pressure on me to do well in everything, especially school. Then lately she has made me feel so guilty about eating almost anything (she has an obese sister and worries about me and food I guess) which makes me want to eat even more. I am not fat and I know it, but I have such a fear of gaining weight, and thus furthering my imperfections. Also, I had surgery for scoliosis last winter and I lost a lot of weight, so I feel even worse about how I look now compared to then, even though people said I looked unhealthy. I know it sounds awful, but I think I will do so much better when I leave for college next year and don't have to be around my mom. She puts so much extra pressure on me, even though I know she doesn't mean to.
Happy New Year, everyone. I hope 2005 goes well for you.
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I guess that I was just really upset and didnt try to control the compulsion at all. I don't really even know what I was upset about. I think it was the snow...and then I was also upset because I was upset about the snow. Then other stupid things like I have so much homework that I haven't started yet, and college applications to finsih. But I hate that when I get upset that I take it out on myself...all it does is make me more upset. I think I will try to start writing down my feelings here. It makes me feel better to know that everyone here knows what I am going through. Well the new year is starting soon, and I really hope that I can recover in 2005. 
)