Post by paperclips on Nov 8, 2004 20:01:43 GMT -5
So today I found this site, right after I picked. I decided that I needed change. I marched upstairs to my bathroom. I threw away coverup, perfume, conditioner, crappy shampoo, nailpolish etc etc. I don't know why I did it. maybe I needed the "start from scratch" feeling, though I know that I hate it, because when I fail, it's twice as bad. Anyway, It felt good. I threw everything down the sink. It brought more satisfaction. Seeing everything drain away.
After that, I threw away the blue marker. Nobody would understand the significance of this, but I do. The blue marker is something I use to mark up my mirror. "Don't pick!" or "remember! clear skin!" or the name of some beautiful girl or model. To make me want to stop. But it would only make me feel worse and worthless. I'm going out to buy dove soap and a topical creme, and i've unscrewed one of the lightbulbs to remind me.
I think I take failure too seriously though. I'll fail and I'll want to hide under my covers and just forget about facing the music, and facing those people with perfect faces. Maybe I just have to understand that those people with perfect faces don't always have perfect lives. Maybe they're the same as me,but have another way of expressing it. But I think that big thing that I have to face, is me. I have to face my guilt and conscience. I have to face my inside, not my outside.
Another thing I hate is when one day, a guy checks you out. He stares at you and then says "hey, i'm alex. you are...?" I know though, that i'm not good enough, so I mumble my name, give a fake smile and walk away. And I go home and pick because I know i'm not worthy of being checked out. I want people to see the ugly me inside. Anyway, I think I do. While I may live with my mind 24/7, I still haven't gotten it all figured out.
And although I think people should see the ugly me, I do want to be pretty. I do want people to look at me and think "Now thats a complexion that i'd die for!" I mean, call me vain, but thats all I want. I guess you always want the thing that isn't quite in your grasp. But I think It's in my grasp now. Finding this site has been awesome. I've never known anyone who picks like I do. There are the people who pick a pimple once a month, but they have it undercontrol. They don't just start and fall into a trance. I just want control. Isn't that what everyone wants? People who want to lose weight, study, stop picking. They just want control.
I think praying has a lot to do with it. Whenever I stop, or lose faith, I pick so people know that I can't even hold a steady relationship to someone whose always there for me. With someone who doesn't care if I fail, but will love me unconditionally. Picking isn't about my skin. Its about how I feel about myself. I'm hoping that writing extrememly long essays will somehow help this.
After that, I threw away the blue marker. Nobody would understand the significance of this, but I do. The blue marker is something I use to mark up my mirror. "Don't pick!" or "remember! clear skin!" or the name of some beautiful girl or model. To make me want to stop. But it would only make me feel worse and worthless. I'm going out to buy dove soap and a topical creme, and i've unscrewed one of the lightbulbs to remind me.
I think I take failure too seriously though. I'll fail and I'll want to hide under my covers and just forget about facing the music, and facing those people with perfect faces. Maybe I just have to understand that those people with perfect faces don't always have perfect lives. Maybe they're the same as me,but have another way of expressing it. But I think that big thing that I have to face, is me. I have to face my guilt and conscience. I have to face my inside, not my outside.
Another thing I hate is when one day, a guy checks you out. He stares at you and then says "hey, i'm alex. you are...?" I know though, that i'm not good enough, so I mumble my name, give a fake smile and walk away. And I go home and pick because I know i'm not worthy of being checked out. I want people to see the ugly me inside. Anyway, I think I do. While I may live with my mind 24/7, I still haven't gotten it all figured out.
And although I think people should see the ugly me, I do want to be pretty. I do want people to look at me and think "Now thats a complexion that i'd die for!" I mean, call me vain, but thats all I want. I guess you always want the thing that isn't quite in your grasp. But I think It's in my grasp now. Finding this site has been awesome. I've never known anyone who picks like I do. There are the people who pick a pimple once a month, but they have it undercontrol. They don't just start and fall into a trance. I just want control. Isn't that what everyone wants? People who want to lose weight, study, stop picking. They just want control.
I think praying has a lot to do with it. Whenever I stop, or lose faith, I pick so people know that I can't even hold a steady relationship to someone whose always there for me. With someone who doesn't care if I fail, but will love me unconditionally. Picking isn't about my skin. Its about how I feel about myself. I'm hoping that writing extrememly long essays will somehow help this.
