PLEASE read and respond!

[jen]

I thought I was the only person in the world with such a self destructive and revolting habit. And I am so glad I found this forum, because no one understands what it is like, I don’t think I could ever talk to anyone about it. What I do to my body- it’s my biggest secret, it’s the one thing I am so deeply ashamed of, it is what rules my life.

I am nervous about posting this thread as I have never opened up about my problem and have never shared this with anyone. But I am so grateful for all of you who have posted diary entries, and am glad you let me read them. I hope some of you could find the time to read mine and reply.

I have been picking my skin for a long time, it is getting worse and worse and my skin picking sessions are getting longer and longer, I am ruining my life. And I want to stop but I just don’t know how. I am at the worst stage imaginable right now. I have ruined my skin and hate myself for it. Hate that I don’t have control over myself to stop destroying my skin and stop for even half a day.

I am now looking at cosmetic surgery to get back the skin that I would have, if I did not have this obsessive habit. Laser resurfacing, dermabrasion, everything, I am considering, it is so sad though because I am only 18 and shouldn’t have to be thinking about these sorts of procedures at such a young age should I? I should be saving to pay off my $20,000 student loan. And I wonder and think to myself if I go through with such an operation, will the picking stop? I have divots and chicken pox type scars on my face, my chest, my legs, my arms, my feet, my hands and brownish type scars from excessive picking. I hate myself.

Because of this ‘habit’ I do not go out, I will not answer the door if I do not have make up on as I couldn’t bear for anyone to see my scarred face bare. Because of my destructive habit I have had to call in sick numerous times to work as I have picked so badly that I am bleeding all over my body, and because the wounds are open, and have not yet dried up, the foundation will not stay on and therefore people could see. When I was living at home, my mother took me to a skin specialist and spent a lot of money on me getting appointments and medication for me that the dermatologist prescribed, my mother assumed I was suffering from acne, or a rash, she wasn’t sure. I told her and the doctor I had no idea what it was from.

I will only get into a bikini if I wear waterproof foundation ALL over my body, and if I have time to apply it to the scars and marks all over my body. I sometimes accidentally will leave my room door unlocked and if someone comes in, I run to the bathroom with my hands over my face and quickly put a face mask on so that they cannot see my skin, people think this is ‘weird behavior’ but they don’t know. I am getting so bad that I am even finding it hard to look people in the eyes or have a conversation with someone standing close to me, as I can’t bear for them to see what I have done to my skin, even with the masses of make up I have to use to cover up. At a place I sometimes work at, we are required to wear a short sleeved uniform, I have stopped working there because I hate exposing my arms as I have also scarred them very badly, when I was working there I would cover my arms with foundation, but now with the summer season, it sweats off and leaves my arms bare. I had to make up stories about what the scars are from which is so hard to talk about, and even harder for me that people actually notice. I say so many different things, none of which are true of course, I say things like, I had excma when I was younger and have been scarred from it, I say that I had a rash and it has not gone away, I say that the marks are fm chicken pox, I say anything and everything that I can think of, anything except the truth, that I sit for hours each night, sometimes standing on the bathroom bench so that I can be directly under the bathroom lights and see every single pore and squeeze every pore and try and get something out of each one.

Some days I will pick at my skin for up to eight hours. I pick at my face ( I have naturally nice skin, which is what breaks me heart, as I have scarred myself so badly) and I go from my face, to my neck, to my chest, to my breasts, I squeeze little spots on my nipples, in my cleavage, under my breasts, I search for blackheads or little bumps on my stomach, on my lower back, I feel for bumps or imperfections on my neck and try and squeeze them or scrape them with my nails, I move to my scalp and feel it for anything and everything, then I move to my vagina, and search for ingrown hairs, skin bumps, ANYTHING, I then go down my thighs and search for the same again, sometimes using needles to pick open ingrown hairs and bumps again, I then will search in and go to my feet and my toes and then I start with my face and do it all over again until my skin literally feels like it is going to come apart from my flesh. When I finish I just want to die, the anger and resentment I feel towards myself is unbelievable. My skin aches all over my body. I say to myself that ‘tomorrow’ it will all stop, ‘I will stop tomorrow’ I have said that so many times, I have tried everything; I am really desperate for help. I have tried putting calendars around my room with headings saying ’36 days to make a habit, 36 days to break a habit’ the idea is to go 36 days without picking, -I never make it past day one. I have tried, no lights on in the bathroom, I have tried wearing gloves as soon as I come home, I have tried chopping all my finger nails off so they hurt they are so short, I have tried acrylic nails, I have tried to stop by putting photos of me before I developed this obsession with beautiful skin on the bathroom mirror to deter me from picking, EVERYTHING, I am desperate, I need help.

I had a normal childhood and am from a very loving and caring family so I cannot say that picking is a coping mechanism for things in my past I haven’t dealt with. All I know is the rush I get when I squeeze out puss or liquid from a pore, is unbelievable, it is the most amazing feeling. I even dream about squeezing my skin, so much so that my dreams will wake me up as I crave to pick my skin, so I get up from bed and the picking fest starts all over again.

I have been thinking about medication as maybe I suffer from an obsessive compulsive disorder….

[hoppe]

Hi Jen

Welcome to the board

It is good you found this place and shared your story.
I understand that you feel very ashamed because of your behaviour, most people on this board do, but you should remind yourself that this is a disorder and not your fault. If you could stop, you would do so, right?

I know all about the need for make-up, the hiding at home, the lies about the scars and wounds ... . I have told lots of lies, that I fell or that I have food allergy or excema, I will say whatever is neccessary to stop others from asking more. I hate lying and it hurts that I have to do this. I also often need to stay home and hide from the rest of the world, I actually just missed two days of work because of some bad picking sessions last weekend.... .

Jen, I think talking about your problem is the first step on the way to getting better. I hope you will keep on posting. I have been here for a few months and I can say that it has helped me a lot to be able to share my story with others.

hoppe

[Jen]

Dear Hoppe

I want to thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my post and thank you for responding!! It makes me feel so much better knowing that I am not alone and that there are others out there who want help also - we are here to help eachother right.

How long have you been picking for and have you got scars? Do your pivking sessions go for as long as mine (if you dont want to answer these questions, I will definitely understand) HAve you ever considered anti depressants like prozac or medication for o.c.d? And do you know much about laser resurfacing?

I have read all of your journal entries, and was so pleased to see you wrote back, I Want to help you too so let me know if you want to talk but keep posting and thank you so much for welcoming me I am so glad I found this site!

[hoppe]

Hi Jen

To answer your questions - I have picked for 7 years and I have some scars, but I try to tell myself that they could be worse considering the damage I occassionally have done (and the tools I have used!). I think if I just would allow myself to heal completely, the scars will fade too, and things will look better. So far, I have not considered to get medical treatment for the scars. I think that is useless as long as I still am a picker, and I am not sure that my scars could be treated anyway, because they are not that big, at least not on my face (my back is another story - it looks horrible and will probably always do.....). I have not looked into that so I do not know anything about laser resurfacing. Maybe one day... . It would be nice to get rid of the miscolouring at least, I think that is my worst problem, permanent red and brown spots.

I usually do not have picking sessions for 8 hours, but I guess I managed 3-4 hours of a more or less 'trance' like state. However, that is some time ago (it usually happened at night), so now I think the worst sessions take half an hour or so. I guess, I have made some progress . About the antidepressants - yes I have considered them and tried them too. Some years ago I tried Paxil, and this year I took Zoloft for some months, but I did not feel that any of them had any positive effect on my picking. Actually, Zoloft made it worse. Right now I am seeing a psychologist, hoping that this will help the picking, but if it does not, I might try a few other medications. I really want to get rid of this obsession, because I feel that it ruins my life.

Hope that helped. I do not mind your questions, so feel free to ask more.

Right now, it is 5:50 am at my place, so I better get back into bed and sleep an hour more.
Hope, I will hear from you again.

hoppe

[jen]

Hi Hoppe

THank you for your reply, It really helps talkiing to you and I look forward to reading your posts. I was seeing a psycholgist last year when my oicking was almost as bad as it is today, I went to see her as I was miserable and realising that I really have no control over myself. This was, and still is the route of my problems, but I could not bring myself to tell her, becaus eof the shame, an I just couldnt. But is it heloin you?

I have been looking on the net at prozac and there seems to be a lot of positive feedback from people with our "habit" any opinion on that?

Look forward to your reply.

-we can do it-

-we will do it-

Jen

[Hecate]

Hi Jen, Thanks for your story&welcome.I just found this group yesterday after searching fr help for 2 years at least.What a releaf 2 not be the only one with this problem.I've been picking at my face(mostly) for 5 years now&been seeing a therapist for 2yr.Slowly I've made some progress,becoming more aware &beeing able 2 stop more quickly ,before I make a huge mess of my face .Today I've menaged 2 stop after few minutes.When I realized what I was doing,I put some ice on my face & that helped me snap out of the trance & stop.It's 5 am here in New Zealand & I'm really tired.Hope my spelling is not terrible,english is my second language,moved here 5 yr ago from Yugoslavia. That's when my picking started ,probably cause of the stress of beeing in a forren country.Ii bether go to sleep now.Hope you'll keep posting .We can stop picking,at least for today.. Stay strong

[jen]

Hi hecate

Thank you for reading my entry and replying. It helps having others who are going through the same thing, to talk to. We are all here to help you, we will kick this habit out the door!!

ANd it is lovely to hear we have another Kiwi in the group, (I am a Nzer too)

Look foreard to hearing from you.

-Together we will all stop this self destructive habit-
Jen

[hoppe]

Hi Jen

About the psychologist. I do not know yet if it will help me, since I just started to see him, but I hope it will. It is sad that you could not tell your therapist about the picking. I understand it is very shameful for you. In my case, I think I have come to some kind of acceptance that this is nothing I have to be ashamed of, because it is not my fault - it is a disorder. So when I contacted the psychologist I told him right away that I am a compulsive skin picker and that this is the main reason why I want therapy. I have seen him twice since and he told me that he is very surprised about how openly I can talk about my problem and also how much insight I seem to have into the causes and mechanisms of it. However, although I can talk openly with him, I have not told anyone else except my boyfriend about my picking. I think it is a private issue, I would not even share it with my parents. But I am no longer ashamed of it, so that is good.

About the Prozac - I really do not know enough about it. But why not try it? You can always stop again, if it does not work for you. I think I would not expect it to cure you completely from picking, but it might make you more calm and happy, and in that way decrase the picking. But you have to decide that for yourself - and of course also talk to a doctor/psychiatrist about it.

I like your slogan. - we can do it- we will do it-
Yes, we will.

hoppe

[Mary Ann]

Hi Jen, hi Hoppe,


Jen you dont do anything that hasent been done before, Its wierd how we all have been so down on ourselves thinking we were freeks and no one else did this but us then we find this site and actually get happy I did I was so happy I cried it was like ok Im not as wierd as I thought I just have a problem and could talk to people like me for the first time in my life welcome im glad you found us. Hoppe you are very smart to think you need to stop picking before you get surgery. I am the dermabrasion queen Ive probly hold a world record (seriously) for how many surgeries ive had to fix scars and I get a fresh slate to pick and scar again every new years eve Ive had the same resoluation for 30 years and fail every time, but I dont give up Im doing baby steps im just trying to just stop using tools for now.

im allowing myself to pop ready stuff and really dont think Ill EVER be able to stop that and dont think I even want to I think its gross to walk around in public with a white zit to me its almost as gross as everyone looking at a bugger stuck to your face but thats just me and part of my obsession I suppose oops Boss just got back, later guys









i

[piccckkk]

Jen you have definitely found the right place to be honest and to express your feelings of shame and disgust. I know how hard it is to stop picking because I am a picker too. My picking has not escalated to the level that yours has but I am here to reasure you that you can find ways to turn this bad habit around. One suggestion I have is to stop looking in the mirror so much, and try to remain conscious of the fact that you are picking when you are not in the mirror. Sometimes you may not even be aware of the fact that you are picking. The good news is that your scars will eventually heal. Just try to take it day by day, that is what I am doing right now, you can do it!!

[Me]

Hey Jen
I just stumbled across this site looking for something to do about my finger that suddenly started getting tiny puss spots underneath the nail bed.. gotta get that looked into because i picked my nail right off with a straight edge razor blade since i hate anything to do with puss and like to go on episodes of "surgery" sometimes removing moles or freckles feeling very professional when I do it but they've always came back. I've went so far as to slice my nipples so that i could try and reduce the size of my breasts (they make me look fat) which only resulted in scaring, because i'm a wimp and cant go through with cutting anything out.. so scars are annoying but i'll fix that with the trusty blade soon enough. : ) surgery is way too expensive and i don want to explain to a surgeon my newbie efforts of surgery.
i know it sounds like i'm extreme but i really feel i havent done a bad job, i'm impressed with some of my surgical work even, only too embarassed to brag about it. anyway I've tryed to find websites on surgical advice but that really hasnt helped so the best thing is too keep things clean and regularly apply new bandages.
as for zits pimples acne
Well I am sorry you're going through that, I picked my skin for years...11 to be exact . cryed and cryed if they were too bad for makeup to cover and refused to go to school.. it is hell to not go out NORMAL without makeup and feel like i have to put gunk on me, i have good skin too when i dont pick it but now i have a couple small scars I want surgery someday... on everything imaginable to have surgery on. I've thought of relocating my toenails so they would be more accuratly placed on my toes but of course that would cost too much.
i've had picking sessions last 5 hours, so long my neck hurts from the straining i dont have incredible scars because i make sure not to dig but to just get anything that COULD be a zit or pimple barely poked with a needle and try to squeeze out a "core" i always wipe it on the mirror to see that i "GOT SOMETHING" then i clean the mirror afterwards. but i hate thinking about icky dirty anything in my skin.. i want pure clean pores that are small and baby soft skin dammit. but i pick pick.. I have tryed recently to stop this habit since i realised it isnt exceptable for me to spend so long working on my face...plus everyone is wondering what i DO IN THERE. and IF I AM STILL ALIVE or FELL IN THE TOILET
I use to scratch my back, i couldnt see so i would scratch anything that didnt feel smooth i'd make sure it would bleed so that all impurities would be gone( or so i thought) then i got made fun of one day when i accidently wore a swimsuit so i decided to not pick my back for a week and if i did pick it i'd only pick the black heads.. that seemed to work because i tacked on a week then a month they eventually cleared up and my back was better...the back scrubber brush thingy helped a lot after soaking my back in a hot bath
until recently
ahem*
so i started to try that with my face and ended up scratching the hell out of my back again, in an effort to ignore the icky blackheads on my face...scars?maybe i am forcing myself to stop, the best way to stop is when i know that i have JUST SCABS no puss..i will stop for a couple days until i see anything pussy or blackheadish.i have found the best thing or prescription for my unsightly zits -- if you have to pick, try putting a little collogne on the zits(collogne and perfume contain a pure alcohol), it drys em up, also there's this stuff called "bye bye blemish" its the DRYING LOTION, not the serum stuff but the pink stuff you apply with a cotton swab, be careful with this stuff though because its strong and could cause scaring if you used it more than once a night...when the water runs out before the pink pour some rubbing alcohol in and wait for the stuff to settle to the bottom since you're not suppose to apply it when its shaken up(get this stuff at "Sallys Beauty Supply Store". I would pick at night and stick that on before bedtime, trying only to pick the major puss looking things...uck. i hate waking up sometimes to my face.. everyone thinks i have a diferent face than this because i'm good at putting on makeup..they say i could be a model but if only they knew they wouldnt get jealous because it really is hell living up to not looking like a freak of nature.
i know it can be the deepest pit of hell guys but the best thing to do for all of us is to start off small, try and refrain from the zits that dont need picking at all...YES even those imagined zits!.. Lets start with not picking those first and work our way up until our skin can heal and set an alarm to make sure we're not in there too long. also try to emotionally dump your STUFF in a diary, i'm going to try that soon, this picking thing can ruin lives, i wouldnt see my grandma just because of this, or my friends.. i'd call plans off just because i looked like some sort of monster and stay in my room for hours and miss work. anyway, i hope the collogne stuff works or the drying lotion... also try not washing your face five times a day..skin oils seem to over produce then.. i've noticed if i avoid buttery foods and fattening foods (anything with grease) and just eat fruits things seem to look better in a week..
well those are some of my secrets, the toothpaste thing never worked with me... and my determatologists couldnt ever prescribe anything to cure this crap, (i avoided taking stuff that would ruin my kidneys) SOMETIMES I WONDER if they SECRETLY know how to cure acne and they just want to keep making money so they wont tell us what the secret is, only prescribe stuff that will keep them MAYBE* temporarily away. wow this is a long message to people i've never met about things i'd never talk about, i am sorry you guys go through this too, hang in there!

[melissah]

just squeezed and depressed

[LiViNgDeAdGiRl]

Jen..yes..I do the EXACT same thing you do at times, and feel exactly the same way. My heart goes out to you because I know how aweful it makes you feel...its like you cant even be YOU...you have to hide and pretend to be and look like something or somebody you know youre not. And its even more depressing knowing that when you dont do this or havnt done this, you are and CAN BE you. I dunno if that makes sense at all. But its just so hard even letting someone get close to you (especially sexually) when you know what you have done to yourself and what you look like underneath it all.