My Journal

[jamielee]

*sigh* Well, I found this forum three days ago, and since then I really haven't picked at my face. I ususally pick once every other day. Reason being, my face is usually too dry or sore from the day before to pick it again. So, I wait a day for it to heal up a bit before I start again. I've been picking for 7 years, and I'm tired of it. There have been so many times where I picked at my face, and afterward cried my eyes out.
How can someone hurt themselves? I think when I hurt myself, it hurts other people. When I read these stories of other people, it hurts me that they hurt themselves, and I wish I could do something about it. But I guess the most I can do is stop hurting myself and share with people my experience.
Three nights ago I picked at my face. After I was done and feeling very frustrated, I sat down at my computer and searched online "why people pick at their skin" which actually pulled something up! So many times I've searched under many different things, but I never found any information on it. I didn't know what the name of it was, or if there was a name at all. I was so suprized to find this forum. Through being on this board and reading what was here, I was finally able to understand why I pick. Now that I know why, I feel hopeful that I can stop.
I've been leaving my bathroom lights off at night, the time I usually pick. Instead, I light a couple candles, take a warm shower, and use my proactiv. Today I'm feeling particularly consious of my face, because I would usually be picking today. So, I'm going to apply a face mask to make me feel extra cleansed before showering, and I'm going to shave my legs. When I shave it also helps me to feel cleaner.
Once, I was in my bathroom picking, and I heard my mother screaming for help. I hesitated for a moment, because I didn't want anyone to see my face (my picking is a secret from everyone I know) but I really had no choice. I felt a huge adrenaline rush, and ran downstairs to see what was wrong. All sorts of terrible things were coming to mind. When I realized what it was, I was horrified.
We have three pet Boxers (part of the family), and they used to wear chain collars. Well, Rusty and Bailey had been rough-housing, as usual, and his paw got caught in her collar, and all twisted around. Bailey was unconscious, and suffocating. She was covered with blood from Rusty's desperate biting. His paw was badly hurt and swollen. My mom couldn't undo his paw, and he was panicked, Bailey was hanging there limply, and she was screaming. I did my best to help calm Rusty and hold him still so my mom could finally untwist the collar and free his foot. Bailey was barely breathing and she was very cold, but luckily she recovered. We rushed her to the vet, and they said she'd be alright. Nothing was broken in Rusty's paw, but if we hadn't been home, Bailey would've died.
The point is that I hesitated because of my picking! I can't believe something could have such control over my life. It makes me so angry! And there have been countless things I've missed out on because of my pciking. I don't want to miss out on life because of something that isn't significant! I want control over my life.

Well, I really appericiate y'all being here and sharing and supporting. It makes a difference.

[jamielee]

Well, shit. I just picked for atleast 30 minutes. I was fine. I showered and washed my face with my lights off, but I planned on stopping by my fiancee's house because he's not feeling well, and I went into the restroom to apply some make-up. So... I turned the lights on. Too late now.

[hoppe]

Hi Jamielee

I do not know if you like to have people writing in your journal. But I just wanted to say I know how it feels to be missing out on so much because of picking! It also makes me so angry. This feeling of not having control over my life. Why, why can I not stop this?

Sorry to hear you picked. Hope you did not do to much damage!

hoppe

[jamielee]

No, I really appericiate your comments. I was dissapointed in myself because I really didn't expect to pick and I did. But, I'm pretty new to the forum and the new ideas for quitting, so I'm not too worried about it.

[jamielee]

I didn't pick tonight. It was a bit o f a challenge. I turned the light on again so I could put dabs of medication on suspicious spots. I needed to be able to see them to do it, and I did. Then I turned off my light and left the bathroom.

About 5 years ago, I read a magazine article about a girl who had started off picking in the bathroom. One day she got very frustrated with a particular pimple, and got one of her mothers sewing needles. She started using the needle regularly, but still felt it was inadequate. One day she decided to use an exacto knife. That's when she started cutting her wrists as well as her face. Eventually she cut so deep she had to go to the emergency room. That's really the first time I'd ever heard of someone having my problem.
Then, maybe 2 years or so ago, I saw a guy on the news with a picking problem. He was in highschool, and his parents were frustrated with his habbit so they took him to a psychologist. And I remember her taking a red marker and drawing dots all over his face, and then going out places with him. The point was to show him no one really cares. And it's true. You may notice someone has sores or that someone is fat or that someone is pretty, but that's not what you think about at the end of the day. I was at the movies a couple of days ago, and the girl selling tickets had obvious acne (or perhaps she is a picker - the only reason I gave it any thought) but the point is that I didn't think anything of it... I didn't think "ew how gross". It crossed my mind that maybe she was a picker, and that I felt badly for her either way. I'm sure she's self consious about it, as she'd tried to cover it up. I thought she was pretty despite the acne. I didn't think that she was defined by it. It obviously doesn't keep her from functioning. I didn't treat her any differently than I would have treated someone with smooth skin.

It seems to me as though there are many fewer men on this site. It must be because of the pressure women feel to meet the standard. And men don't wear make-up. I'm sure most men don't worry about it nearly as much.

Well, I was good tonight. I hope I can keep it up.

[jamielee]

This was my post in Tips for Quitting:
Ok, so I've been trying the "dim light in the bathroom" method, and it has really helped. I'm just so programmed to pick before I shower and a bit more after I shower that I automatically do it. Now that it's too dim to see my pores, I don't. I realize what I'm thinking about doing, and I don't do it. But, also, I've been worried about breaking out in pimples, because I never really allowed my clogged pores to turn into pimples before. I've used proactive for a couple years, and it has helped, but it's not totally pimple proof, and I think all of my picking counter acts the medication. So, my new method is to use my regular proactiv medication, and then allow myself to turn on the lights for a moment so I can apply medicated face mask to the spots that I think are suspicious (kind of a replacement behavior for the picking). Then I sleep with it on and in the morning it looks alot better. But, that's not the only part of the face mask that I like, also... as I was putting it on all of the spots that I thought were "pimple potential" I realized that there were alot of freakin' spots of mask on my face! And it hit me that if I had picked instead, those spots that were really not bad looking to anyone but me, that were now covered with mask, would've all been picked, red, sore, and dry. I think the realization was heartening, and I would suggest trying this. Not only that, but after you apply the mask, your pores are hidden so you can't pick them. So, in short, the mask application has benifited me in four ways;
1. replacement behavior - controling the urge
2. healing overnight blemishes
3. giving a conscious realization - understanding
4. lessening temptation by concealing



This post basically describes how I went about my picking urge tonight. It was rather strong because I had a tense day, and my fiancee and I had an argument. Since I quit my job three weeks ago, we've been spending alot more time together, and we're not used to it. I think I'm going to spend some time alone tomorrow. I've been keeping busy, doing things I didn't get to do while I was working. This week is my last week of freedom before I start the massage academy. So, anyway, I was feeling tense today, but after I showered and applied my mask, I felt relieved. I don't really have the urge to pick in the mornings. I wake up with a fesh start each day... and it seems that the further along my day goes the more dirty I feel and the more anxiety I feel which makes me want to pick. I hope I can overcome this disease.
Everyone on here has the same problem - picking - but there are different reasons for everyone, and different levels of illness. But, picking your face is never such a bad thing that you should hate yourself for it or wish to die for it. Just because your face is red and sore, doesn't mean you're useless. It doesn't impare your abilities at all. You're not a freak, your a normal person. Every person in the world has problems because no one is perfect, and thank the lord for that! How pointless would it be to live in a perfect world? I want to be an individual, and every individual has different problems that make life harder, but that's the point. Overcoming adversities. You may be unhappy with your compulsion or your appearence, but it's a small price to pay for life, and for being an individual. Whenever you think or know that someone else is judging you, just remember that they have problems too, even if they're less obvious than yours, and probably worse than yours or they wouldn't feel the need to judge you to make themselves feel better.

Well, I'm going to watch Conan, eat a low carb candy bar, work on my crocheting and hopefully leave my skin alone. Good night.

[jamielee]

I lost my engagement ring....
I feel sick.
I lost it yesterday. I borrowed a metal detector and looked everywhere for it. My family and my fiancee helped me search all day, but it's gone. We don't know if insurance will pay for it, and we're going to file a police report tomorrow. It was alot of money. I've been anxious all day... and I picked a little tonight. For about 15 minutes. I wish I hadn't, but atleast I kept it short. My skin is really healing and I can see that with each day I leave my skin alone, I have fewer clogged pores, and spots. But, tonight I feel physically sick because I'm such a mess inside. The next ring I get is going to be cheap, because I don't want to lose something expensive again. I feel awful. I'm always so careful with it, and I never set it down anywhere. I can't remember what happened. Not careful enough, I guess.

[jamielee]

I have two ingrown hairs that have been bothering me for weeks, and won't seem to go away. So, tonight I tried to cut them out with an exacto knife. I wish I hadn't, because now I have nasty cut marks, and I didn't succeed. My ring is long gone. I'm feeling kinda down, but I had a pretty good day today. I start massage school next week, and I'm a hair nervous, but I'm also excited.

Well, I feel like doing something fun.

good night

[Maryu Ann]

Hi Jamielee,



I have two things I want to tell you the first one is Im sorry about you loosing your ring. my mom died a few years ago and I got her ring that ment everything to her well one day I was typing at work and looked at my hand and noticed empty prongs where a 16 thousand!!
dollar diamond used to be. I felt so ashamed to have lost her ring she would of killed me if she was alive. if I make it to heaven she probly will still hit me in the back of the head it sucks I lost one of her diamond earings down the drain in the tub. I got married a year ago and told my husband not to grt me a real expensive ring because I have bad diamond carma. the other thing I want to say is I didnt go to my fathers funeral because my face was disgusting at the time and the thought of a LOT of realitives looking at me sent me into a panic attack Id rather have them think all the bad stuff like shes on drugs probly or what ever than knowing I do this to my self.point being we all miss important stuff cause were selfconcious pickers thank God we have each other to talk to Im sure people have done this since time began and it took technology for us to find this out.

[jamielee]

Hi, thanks for that Maryu Ann. It's too bad about your mother's ring. I hope you were able to collect insurance on that. And I'm sorry about your father's funeral, but I know how it is. I'm sure your father understands. I haven't posted in a couple of days because I haven't felt like it. I picked a bit, but I'm doing much better than I was before I found the site. I had hit a low point, and things had gotten too bad. I used to pick only a little of the area on my face, but for the past year, it's been every visible pore. Now, I've been doing my best to avoid starring in the mirror. I owe my new found sense of control and motivation to this site. I'd always wanted to stop, but I had gotten so tired of fighting in my mind for so long, and being upset over it, that I began pushing any such thoughts into the back of my mind out of habbit. I literally felt like every time I started to think about how much I disliked picking and how much I wanted to quit, I couldn't concentrate on it. Like trying to hold onto a bar of soap in the shower. I'd done it too many times before, and it had become pointless. I literally couldn't think about it enough to try to quit. But this board has helped me by spending a few minutes of each day thinking about it, and talking about it. It feels real again, and it feels like a problem that I can control if I choose to. I don't know if what I said is easy to understand, but I explained it the best way I could. Anyway, thanks again. I appericiate all support.

[jamielee]

Ok, well, I started massage school on monday. I really like it. The only downside is that in class we have to massage eachother. That means I have to remove my clothes and my skin will be exposed. My abdomen, back, legs, glutes... I think I can handle it. I have a couple of blemishes on my back, but they aren't bad. I have those two sores under my belly button, but I'm going to buy a temporary tattoo to cover them up. I could refuse to undress, but that would be shorting my partner's learning and experience, and I don't want to be difficult. I'm a bit nervous about it. This friday is the first day of massaging eachother nude. That's only a couple days away. *sigh* I'm also cringing about facials. We will have to give eachother facials, and that means someone touching and rubbing on my face! I haven't been picking too much, but I still have blemishes anyway, and I don't want my makeup to come off. But I don't want to let my self consciousness get in the way of my more important goal of getting my massage therapy license. I'm not going to particularly like it, but I'm going to do it because I need to. Wish me luck and courage!
My engagement ring is still missing. I think someone may have stolen it. In the mean time, I got a less expensive replacement. I feel a bit better. I'm engaged and I want people to know it, and they won't know if I don't have a ring on my finger. I waited nearly four years for my fiancee to propose, and I'm proud of our relationship. I can't wait to get married, and I'm looking forward to it more now, thanks to this site, and my new found control over my picking. I haven't stopped, but I've cut down alot, and it's really great. I hope to eventually stop completely. When I frist found this site, I gave myself an ultimatum that if I didn't stop or nearly stop picking in four months, I would commit myself to therapy. I hope I stick with it. I would really like to stop on my own, but the last thing I want is to be married next year, and be sneaking picking around my husband. It's not worth it. Picking isn't worth any of it's negative consequences.
Well, good night and take care everyone!

[jamielee]

Friday was a challenge for me. I had to be naked for a practice massage in class, and I really wanted to back out. For a moment I thought about quitting completely. The teacher wouldn't let me receive a massage with an undershirt on because my partner needed to learn how to spread lotion. I'm so self conscious about my skin, I almost had an anxiety attack. I went into the bathroom, and removed my shirt to look at my skin. It really wasn't bad. I had, maybe 3 or 4 belmishes on the whole of my back, and none on my chest. I just decided to do it, and not worry about being judged by anyone else. So, I did, and the whole time I was worried about it. I felt exposed and uncomfortable, but I'm glad I did it. I really need to learn and I have to participate. I also don't want to make a big deal about it, because then everyone will think something is really wrong with me.
I haven't been on here much lately, because I've been preocupied. I could make time for it, but I don't because I'm wondering if it's pointless. I'm glad I found this site, and realized that other people have the same problem as I do, but now what? I basically talk to myself. It's like writting in a journal. I picked alot more than I have lately tonight. I'm sure it's because it's the weekend and, I have more time. I also haven't been as strict about the dark bathroom rule, but I'm going to work on it.

Well, gotta watch Desperate Housewives.
Good night

Jamie Lee

[Hecate]

Hi Jamielee,hope you are doing ok ,sorry to hear that you've picked last night.It looks like your picking has improved since you found this board & I hope that you will keep coming back.We need you,I need you.Reading peoples posts & posting is helping me a lot,I haven't picked as much since I've found this support community.Don't know why but it works for me & I'm sooo grateful that there is a place to share about picking with people that understand what I'm going through.Not even my therapist was able to help me & she's a specialist in behavioral therapy. I can't stop picking on my own but we can do it together.Stay strong! Hecate