Finally living up to my name!

[reformedpicker]

There are two things my Mom has always told my brothers and me to remember- 'what goes around comes around' and 'fake it 'til you make it'.

This is what she would say to comfort us if someone was mean at school, or more often when we were mean to each other and to remind us to be nice to others- we still tease my Mom about these sayings of hers being what stands out about our childhood.

'Fake it 'til you make it' was (and still is) her reply to lots of situations- first day of school, soccer games against an undefeated team, job interviews, first date jitters and on and on.

Although I have rolled my eyes countless times when she rattles these words off for the umpteenth time, I have actually caught myself saying them recently! It's actually a simple concept, but pretty good advice if you think about it.

I guess I am finally ready to stop 'faking it' and finally make it- and become a REFORMED picker. Today is day 1 of my first ever ZT and I'm really excited and feel like I can do it. The stars must be aligned because my face isn't as bad as I feared after extensive 'surgery' I performed over the weekend, the sun is out and I feel peaceful today- I can do this!!!

Hope you will join me if you would like- I'm ready to take my life back and get this picking thing under control. No more hiding my face with either my hair, spackled makeup or hats. No more 'house arrest' for me.

Although I am feeling optimistic, I am also realistic- I will slip up occasionally- I'm only human- and I will accept it and FORGIVE myself and LET IT GO- no more obsessing over imperfection and mistakes.

I may write waaaaay too much for a while- hope no one is bothered by this- it's so calming to type and great to have a record of how I was feeling at different stages of this journey.

I am so blessed to have found this site- I NEVER would have admitted the extent of this problem otherwise- not even to myself- I was too ashamed and thought I was the ONLY f'd up person who did such a bizarre thing- and sadly it's more common than I could ever have imagined.

Anyway- thanks for being you- each of you is a gift to have found here in our little safe haven!

[sos]

Hi Reformedpicker,
It's sos, and your post is just what I needed to read on a rainy day here in Ellicott City, Maryland. I know if I have positive messages like this to read I will be successful...best of luck and I'm here with you...
ox,
sos

[reformedpicker]

SOS- awe ;D how sweet of you to say! Thanks for the encouragement- little things like that make such a huge difference! I feel your pain about the gloomy rain- it was cloudy and or rainy here for 9 DAYS STRAIGHT! After 2 weeks of perfect sunny weather- I thought I was going to snap! I have diagnosed myself with SAD- Seasonal Affective Disorder- I can't take too many days without seeing the sun.

Hope your weather gets better soon- do you like to read? That's the only thing I can make myself do when it's yuck outside.

We WILL conquer picking!
Thanks again!

[reformedpicker]

oooooooooooooooh i want to pick so bad it's killing me!!!!!! i ALWAYS pick a tiny bit at the end of the day before i do whatever i'm going to do for the evening. not a major session, just to check in and note anything that may need 'work' later. i'm not going to- because I HAVE STOPPED PICKING! love that mantra- forgot who gave us that one, but it's great so thanks!

also, anonymousartist you are right on about it being such an ingrained habit. it takes 21 days to make a habit- or break one, for that matter. that's my goal- long term- but i have to take it day by day, or sometimes hour by hour to get there.

i've GOT to get out of here quick because my bathroom mirror is trying to seduce me and i'm feeling weak, not too weak, but tempted.

i'm going to run errands instead- i need to go to target anyway- sorry mirror i don't want to spend time with you anymore- get over it!!!

[sos]

Hi Reformed,
I was so tempted last night to pick I touched like this little one and started to feel sick so I left the bathroom...
I think thats good that I started to feel sick before the damage not after...Well it's a sunny day here and I'm very happy...We have a sauna that my husband put in that's been helping with skin and stress...
Love & Peace,
SoS

[reformedpicker]

Okay- it is the second day- obviously not all of my damage is faded from so much repeated trauma I inflicted on my poor face, but it looks better than it has in a long time in the morning. This morning I woke up and naturally the first thing I do is scan my face with my hands to warn myself, if necessary before seeing a shocking relection in the mirror- and it was really nice to not feel lots of bandaids that I would sleep in, or scabs that formed while I slept- a wonderful feeling that I hope to transfer the addiction to! I am focusing on how wonderful it is to feel smooooooothness instead of searching for something, anything, just a place to pick! It is more fulfilling to feel smooth and leave it at that- I don't have to search out tiny nonexistent things to extract.

Another thing, that really makes me feel sad and guilty is that today I noticed for the first time how unfair my old morning picking session was to my dog. My poor sweet little angel Hercules (he's a Yorkshire Terrier ) follows me out of bed into the bathroom- and when I brushed my teeth and looked in the mirror he literally hing his little head and went in the other room to sit in his bed and patiently wait to be taken out for his morning walk. That poor dog has accepted that no matter how full his bladder is and how bad he needs to be taken out, he has to wait while I selfishly pick at myself then wait for it to calm enough to put on makeup to hide my destruction. I live in a high rise and have a doorman, so I have to see him and usually a few neighbors every morning- this has always been an anxiety-induced situation. I do NOT look good first thing in the morning if I've been picking and I hate having to run into people and feel so self conscious. I felt so horrible when I realized this sweet dog, who is truly like my child since I don't have a human child was so put out by me- when I start to give in to the urge in the mornings in the future I will always remember this and I think it may be my most powerful motivator yet- I can't believe I've done this to my little Hercules- what kind of mother am I??? I can only imagine what neglect I would/ could inflict if I had real children- I am going to channel this into motivation and determination to beat picking for good. I swear I am a terrific mom to Herc in most ways- don't turn me in to the humane society over this !

Sos- glad to hear your weather has looked up and that your husband built you a spa- how wonderful! I missed that in your other post I responded to- I'm glad you have someone who appreciates you now- you definitely deserve it! How great it must have felt to walk away from the mirror! I don't know if I would be able to if I made the mistake of leaning in- I'm not quite that strong yet, I fear- but soon!

[sos]

Hey R.P.,
I love your stories, and yes, you are a good mother to Herc... I would sometimes forget that I needed to go out in public after a mid-day pick session and start to panick about how I was going to hide the chicken pox looking marks...I would put ice on my face and put coats and coats of cover-up, but you could still see the red marks and swollen areas...I was so scared someone would see me without cover-up I would scare them...I just could not wait to get home to take all the cover-up off so my skin could breath and heal...I know I try not to touch my face at all because that will break you work, change pillow cases often and I had one facial person tell me to dry my face with paper towels because bath towels have lots of germs and bacteria. I just change bath towels often...and never lean on hands or sleep on your hands...well so it's so long...
o.x.,
sos

[reformedpicker]

thanks for your kind words of reassurance SoS! It's so hard to stop touching my face! I can't believe how constantly I do it- man what a habit to try to break. I'm just making myself relax and accept what I can do as good- It's not reasonable to expect it to all stop as quickly as flipping a switch- and even if it did it wouldn't be lasting improvement- it takes time to change your lifestyle if you want it to last. That being said, I was really good today again- I'm so proud of me!

Now I have one more thing to do to keep me busy- wash all sheets and towels daily! Actually, I'm not quite that bad, but close- my favorite thing is sleeping in a bed with clean sheets so when I'm trying to be nice to me I pamper myself with clean sheets more frequently

[raerae]

sounds like youre doing great, reformedpicker, well done you!

i looove clean sheets too! when we bought a new bed last year i bought white 100% egyptian cotton bedlinen to go with. i take it to wash at the launderette cos the sheer size of the duvet cover makes it difficult to do at home (in our tiny flat)- plus i love going there anyway, with my array of products (ace bleach, washing liquid, glowhite sachets, fabric conditioner). oh, and the joy of climbing into freshly laundered cotton... mmmmm!

rae xxx

[reformedpicker]

I have been verrrrry good today- I've been way too busy to think about picking- but the best part was being able to be busy without obsessing about whether or not my face was ok in terms of concealer, etc... It's great to be able to be present in conversations instead of focusing on my face- I'm loving this face of mine and treating it well so it will do well for me.

I was kidnapped by BarFlys (also known as friends ) tonight- normally I would have flipped out at unexpected visitors due to the condition of my face, but for the first time in a long time I could walk out of the door in under 15 minutes- it's so much easier to cover up days old marks than fresh ones! The only downside is they kept me out WAAAAAAAY too late- I just took a bath and am going to bed before I pass out on my desk- hope to have more time to read/ post tomorrow (oh shit- looked at clock- later today is more accurate...)

[reformedpicker]

Dear Picking,
Oh how I miss you- which only makes me despise you more. You snuck into my life, disguised as a harmless means to purge my pores of any impurity- you had the gall to pretend your intent was to help me in my quest to prevent blemishes. Maintaining your facade, you wove your way into every corner of my life until it became YOUR life- no longer mine for the living. I despise myself for allowing you to have your way with me- I’m reminded of you every time I look in the mirror or touch my face- when I feel the indentations left when you stole my skin from me. You have tenaciously followed me, no matter how determined I am to run from you- I’ve tried hiding from you, ignoring you, being angry and disgusted with you- I’ve tried giving in to you- hoping that you will finally get your fill and go away- no more. I am not allowing you to be a part of my life any longer- I am looking you in the eye and telling you to go away- you’re not welcome here!

I can’t believe how needy you were- you took and took until you had it all- I gave you big parts of my personality! You took the majority of my confidence and self-esteem. I hate to tell you, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to gain even half of it back with the constant doubt you instilled. I’m scared that if I do you will come back and STILL demand the last word. You are always in my thoughts- making me wonder if anyone else can see you on me- if anyone can tell we have had this passionate, illicit, all-consuming affair off and on for the past years. However, you should know that you are gradually losing your spot as the priority thought in my mind.

I will give you credit for your loyalty- you are the only one who is always there- ready to distract me when other areas of my life get to be too much. Ready to drain me of nervous energy, anticipation or uncertainty. Your dependability felt so comforting that it was worth the lasting effect of the guilt I felt for long after one of out trysts.

You used your charms to became intertwined through my life. I forgot how to live separate from you- I still find myself automatically touching my face to scan for activities to offer up to you at the first chance I get. I refuse to give you the satisfaction of defining you as instinctual- because you aren’t. You are just temporarily an automatic mannerism, as a result of seducing me with your false charm.

I miss you- I really do. You were my out, my scapegoat- my legitimate excuse for avoiding discomfort- you inflicted such destruction that I was forced to stay home indulging your every whim until I was given a temporary reprieve from you. Relieving me of circumstances I was weary of.

How dare you leave me with your marks- they may fade and become less obvious as more time goes by without you rearing your ugly head, but I will always know how entrenched our obsession with one another was- there will always be this reminder you insisted I keep.

You have caused me to feel like a fraud- like an imposter in my own life! I have always feared that someone would catch on and guess what was going on with us. I have felt so alone- with only you to turn to in my shame, needing short term comfort so desperately that it seemed worth the consequences that inevitably followed our each and every rendezvous.

You have left me feeling like a sham- sadly containing your infiltration of my life hiding it from everyone else who is close to me- you have effectively begun to isolate me from those who truly love me as our secret we keep grows walls to divide me from everyone and everything. I am putting a stop to you, for once and for all- don’t come around, you aren’t welcome here. If you dare to try, you will lose- I WILL prevail!

So long picking- it’s been an adventure I won’t soon forget.

[reformedpicker]

I'm having a harder time these past couple of days- my allergies are out of control and I get these dry patches around my eyes from rubbing them/ itching or maybe just from allergies- whatever they come from they make me want to remove them! Which of course requires picking and leads to the cycle of massive destruction. I caved for a minute today but caught myself and stopped- now I'm going to forgive myself and LET IT GO! That way I can get back on track.

I hate picking- hate hate hate hate hate it. I wrote it a letter, hoping getting my feelings out would help- maybe it will have a delayed helpful reaction... lol

[M]

Hi, Reformedpicker!

Just a thought that came to mind after reading your progression of posts . . . something I read in Neal Walsch's Conversation With God books . . . "what you resist, persists" he repeats that rather than "resisting" or hating/fearing what it is you don't want, move toward it with love. Accept that it is a part of your essence and embrace it. He explains that our perception of what we love/hate/fear is just a reflection of ourselves. The people/situations that we surround ourselves with/pay attention to are also a reflection of ourselves. So, rather than hating that part of ourselves that manifests as self-abuse, guilt, fear . . . try to feel love for "all of you," not just the parts that you like. Don't see those parts you feel you hate as separate from you, as they aren't.

He also states that once you declare "that which you are not," then more of "that" will come into your life, as the universe allows you to "be" that which you've declared you "are." So, expect that. You cannot be "that which you are not" if "that which you are not" was not there for you to compare to. So, you must embrace the negative part (or that which you are not) as a gift to you for giving you the opportunity to express "who you really are." I probably don't explain it very well. Please see the book . . . it changed my perspective on life tremendously and still continues to!

P. S. I have been doing well for the past week and a half . . . only a few short picks and one longer one, but recovered quickly. In the last few days, I've realized that if I allow myself to look closely in the mirror, I do fine until I start to stretch my face. When I do this, I see the white stuff in the pores, which is soooo tempting. When I relax my face, I don't see it. And it dawned on me that everyone else sees my face in this relaxed state, so they can't possibly see what I see (they also are not 6 inches away from me!)

I also have seen that no matter how many times I "empty" the pores that bother me (which no one else can see), the same pores continue to fill back up. And when they are filled, I notice my face is smoother and healthier looking. After I empty them, however, even if I'm realllllllly gentle, the pores are more noticeable from further away, which tells me that others probably notice this more. So I'm using this logic when I look in the mirror. My goal for now is to leave anything alone that doesn't show up when my face is relaxed. This is MOST of my picking sessions. Then there is only a few or none that I really need to ponder over. And then the rule for me is, if there is not a whitehead on a pimple, I have to leave it alone and put acne cream on it. Thirdly, if I notice that a pore is progressively (over many days) showing up even with my face relaxed, and I can easily feel it, I let myself gently remove it, BUT if it doesn't come out with just a VERY gentle squeeze, I leave it alone." Yes, I'm still "allowing" some of the behaviors, but I think this is more realistic than stopping "cold turkey," and gives me less chance of feeling a sense of failure. It also helps me to gradually retrain my behaviors. I already feel a sense of power in being able to make the choices, as I follow my "rules" above. It's amazing how, once your face is mostly clear, any little bit of redness shows up!! This is also a motivator - to go to bed with as little redness as possible.

Reformedpicker - you sound like you've got a healthy, positive attitude toward your progress. I'm sooo excited for you!! Isn't this empowering to realize it's just a change in perspective that allows us to see a whole new side of things!! Just don't let that "hate" you mentioned get the better of you : )

[M]

P. S. That "fake it 'till you make it" concept of your mother's, Reformedpicker, is also elaborated on in that book (Conversations with God, by Neal Donald Walsch). He talks about "being" what it is you feel you want. If you are always in the "wanting" stage, that means that you aren't "that" yet. So, he says, to "be" it from the beginning, and you will no longer be in the "wanting" stage. Believe me, he explains is much better than I do.