wondering about zt

[scarreddaisy]

I have been a member of this board for over a year now... this zt section has been here for maybe a thrid of that time... and yet.. i never clicked on it. I figured it just wasnt something that I could do so I didnt bother. Now I am kind of desperate. I need help. My picking is interfering with my relationship with my boyfriend of 6 months. My picking has been really bad and I have been avoiding being intimate with him because my bad and bottom are just ripped to shreds... he thinks that I am no longer attracted to him. I told him that that is not the case .. it is all me. He wants to know what it is.. I have told him about my picking before ... like a month after we were going out.. but for some reason I cant bring myself to talk about it with him.
I have tried talking to my mother but she makes me feel dumb.. not that she says anything.. she says nothing. The silence is like razors to my self esteem. It makes me feel like my own mother thinks that I am a freak. It is the lonliest feeling I know.. and trust me... I know lonely.
I am interested in ZT. I want to know about your success and what it is about. How can I become a part of this? I am in the process of trying to find someone to talk to ... but my insurance is limited and it is difficult to find help... I am not into "quick fixes" either.. I dont believe in them or anyone that promises them. I have suffered for 9 years.. I have digusted doctor and dermatologist alike.. I have been told I need reconstructive srugery to fix the damage... I have no one. I can talk myself til I am blue in the face, but I am really really desperate for some kind of result.. I owe it to my self and to my relationship... one of the things that makes me happier than I could ever imagine.
PLease, if you hav time to answer a question or two of mine I would be so utterly appreciative. I need to be better to myself.. I just dont know how....

[ready2quit]

scarreddaisy i'm going through the same thing as u, i just don't know how to stop. I wish everything could just heal and then i'm sure i wouldn't pick n/e more.

how about we both try and stop together starting tomorrow and go for 2 week, just 2 let things heal.

Absoloutly no touching, picking, poking! None of that, we should pretend we don't even know what it is. I promise u I will not pick and u must do the same, we should help eachother. I have o one to talk to a/b this either.

Think about it this way...If we pick we make the problem worse than it is, if we do not pick, the problem will slowly go away. We need to be extremely patient and willing to give this a try. Let's stick 2 gether.

My name is Lisa, I'm 21 and i can't remember a day in the last 8 yrs when i didn't pick at my face or need to wear make up.

We can do this!!!

[peculiarpetunia]

Hi scarreddaisy.
I am pretty new around here. I started a thread called "looking for a ZT partner" and I check in and write there everyday.

To me zero tolerance (ZT) has just meant realizing that I should have zero tolerance, and moving towards that.

I admire you for talkingto your mom about it, even if she doesn't understand. I don't tell anyone. If anyone sees anything, I say I get rashes, or acne, depending on the area.

It has affected my relationships, too-- I do the same thing you are doing-- avoid sex and then there is negative fallout in the relationship.

By getting to know some of you guys, I feel so much better.

My picking has improved a lot this last week since I came here and started writing and I really do feel less alone. Why don't you joing my thread. A few people have started posting. None of us are doing perfect.

Just write and tell me how you are doing.

[scarreddaisy]

wow... two weeks.. well i cheated tonight.. though it is only 1:50 a.m.... i'll start tommorrow as soon as i get up... i was trying to talk to my bf tonight about my picking but i couldnt bring myself to do it.... and then i picked a scab on my forehead that i hide with my hair... i excused myself until it stopped bleeding... i felt so gross and dumb....he is fruserated because he feels I am leaving him in the dark....

zero tolerance... i'll have to keep reminding myself... ill write zt on my hand.. that way it will be a constant reminder... i know that i will need it...maybe ill put a sticky note on my mirror too,,, just in case...i'll try.. but i dont know ... this seems so hard...i remember the last (only) pick free day I did ... vaguely...i remember that pride... but i also remember that i was exhausted from fighting myself.... oh thank you ready2heal for trying with me!! You'reright.. we are two capable human beings... we can do this!

Peculiar... i will look at your post next time i visit... ill try to post as soon as i see some progress...

good luck to you, good luck to me... good luck to us all...

~Scarreddaisy

[raerae]

although ive read the zt section i just dont feel i am ready for zt just yet (although im really trying hard not to pick). in addition to csp im dealing with anxiety (i think this is the reason i began, and continue to pick) and depression... i guess right now i dont need another thing i can fail at, and give myself a hard time about. sorry... this sounds negative. its not really, i am just learning to try to set realistic goals and not try to do too much at once. im a perfectionist (so everyone else says, all the time)- i try to do too much, too well, and go to bits under the pressure i put on myself, then i feel so much of a failure, get depressed and do f*** all. crazy, i know, cos being 26 and not having any kind of career... how far from perfect is that?! NONETHELESS your (plural) zt efforts really inspire me to address my picking and cut down, a lot. and one day i will be strong enough to go zt myself.

scarreddaisy, the way you talked about your mothers reaction being '...like razors...' really hit home. although i talked to mine about picking, and she was fairly ok, in so many other ways her responses to me hurt me SO SO DEEPLY. yeah, it is lonely being rejected by the one person who is supposed (so they say, *sigh*) to love unconditionally... or something like that, i dont know (i hope you dont mind that i mentioned this- i worry so much about upsetting other people, being socially inept etc, and i know you got cross with me on another thread- i wasnt really sure why but, whatever, i dont want to do it again sorry).

anyway, what i was meaning to post about was 'coming out'. my boyf and mother both knew i picked at my skin although i (therefore they also) only recently found that its a 'thing with a name'. so, telling them wasnt such a big deal.

BUT, i decided i would try to tell one or two other people to whom i am quite close. it wasnt easy, and it didnt magic the problem away but what i think it did (and bear in mind that ive spent a lot of time and energy hiding it from these guys over the years) is make me face the part of csp thats to do with shame and secrecy. for me, part of its like a 'shame cycle', if you will. i pick, i feel ashamed, i take out the negative feelings on myself- part of which is to pick more. i still wish my bare arms were clear of scabs and scars but i no longer feel so compelled to wear a long sleeved top, when im already too warm, when im with these people. i actually decided it might help to 'fess up after i read this on the s.m.a. site...

we believe that we are as sick as our secrets and that self-disclosure and honesty with others is the key to recovery.

it sounds kinda harsh but i found something in it that helped me a little.

take care. rae x

[scarreddaisy]

quick before i go to school.. i started zt last night after i finished my post.... i found myself in the bathroom at least 7 times.. and i didnt even remember going there... my legs just took me.. I have been up for about two hours now.. it is 10:30.. and it is sooo hard... my god..I dont know if I can do this. I want to... but I dont know if i can... taking a shower was soo hard... i wrote zt on the mirror and while i put on my makeup ( i wrote it on the mirror with a lip liner) i made sure the zt was on my face while i did my makeup.. a constant reminder......

Raerae... who knows if any of us will ever be ready.. I have a feeling that picking it like a lot of other disorders.. like OCD or bulimia.. it is a battle every day.. it is a 'drug' we can't let go of.. hate what it does to us, but dont want to give up.. I know that I enjoy picking and it digusts me... some can drink and be ok.. others can not... some can pick and stop at one... others can not....I'm addiciting to picking.. and when I pick, I have no self control.. This is my first effort of many that I will try to regain control of myself...

[ready2quit]

Today is my first zt tolerance day and my plans are to make it through the day pick free. so far i've applied my makeup and got ready 4 school and no picking yet.

I can do this-zero tolerance and u girls can do it to!

Remember be patient, be strong, be willing-it's possible and we are going to achieve our goal!!!

[Kat]

Thing is, what responce do we really want?

I've got my mums attention plenty of times, and she tells me off for it - which has driven me to limit my picking to areas she cannot find!

My boyfriend was good though - i was so afraid to tell him because i had thought i was a self harmer - a cutter. My best friend is one too, and we began to notice we did different things for different reasons - she cuts to focus, and i pick out of depression.

Anyways - i told him i was a cutter, which he hated, and so i stopped picking my arms for him. when it came to telling him i stilled picked other areas, he said i'd lied to him when i said i'd stopped.

So we talked about it for a bit more - i told him how ashamed of myself i was and i think it hit a chord - he wants to help me beat this as much as i want to now.

but now i know he's not ashamed of me, and hating me - i've lost my initial aims - to get rid of the sore so he wouldn't be cross with me.

So what is a good responce from family and friends?

[raerae]

i guess, for me, a good response was to know that the shame and disgust were my feelings within myself, and not theirs towards me. not much, maybe... but it helped a bit.

also, it helps me to be clear that im trying to stop picking for myself, because learning to be kinder to myself is more important than pleasing others. sounds simple, but such a hard thing for me... rae x

[scarreddaisy]

Well, I'm still fighting.. it is 9:30.. i have felt them.. allllmost picked them.. but I have BEEN GOOD... this is still very hard. I got good news from my mom today. She made some calls and got me appointments at a psychological center.. I have never talked to a professional about my picking.. maybe with this zt business and the help of a professional... i can fight this thing...

I'm trying not to get too hopefully just yet.. I still have a few more hours before its been a full day... ooo my sclap is itching to be picked.. i need to go to homework and forget about it!~

[scarreddaisy]

I failed.... within 40 minutes of a full day.. I failed... I picked anything and everything.... I could not help myself... The urge just built up to high.....

[Kat]

*hugs*

I failed at ZT - i've been three days this evening, and picked four times.

But at the same time, i still managed to not pick in the morning or at school in the toilets - which makes me very happy even if i have picked at other times.

Look on the bright side - you went 40 mins didn't you! You managed that much, so you can do it again, right!

[M]

Scarreddaisy,

You didn't fail, you just need to set goals that don't require sooooo much effort. It sound like it is very difficult for you to leave your face alone for very long. So, start from where you're at . . . look at your patterns . . . how often do you normally pick? Try to estimate the frequency of your picking sessions per day, and then set a realistic goal of one or two less picking sessions per day for a week. Then, if you meet this goal, eliminate a few more for another week, etc. Or rather then lessoning the frequency, look at limiting the amount of "picks" that you can have at each session. First, decide on an amount that you think you can realistically succeed at, and work at that for a week, then lessen the amount. Often, if you are aware of what you are about to do before you start, you will have more control over the situation. Yes, you will still be picking at your face, but you will be gradually doing it less fequently and/or for shorter amounts of time while learning about how powerful your choices are and how much self control you really have (the reward). So, rather than feeling bad about how your face looks, or that you mess up and picked again, you can feel good that you met your goal of "only ___ many pick sessions today!" or "only ___ picks per session today!" The more you succeed at, the more you will continue the behaviors!! This zero tolerance idea is an inspiring idea, but if you take it literally, you will often set yourself up for failure. Try setting youself up for SUCCESS by just making smaller goals. I work with behavior modification with children, writing goals, etc. and often have to start with small goals and work our way toward the ultimate. If we jump right to the larger goal, our expectations are usually too high, an the student will not be very successful. If we take small steps, the behaviors are molded over time and become much more permanent. It also doesn't feel like punishment to the students, but more rewarding, because they are successful, due to the smaller goals (which grow "larger" as the negative behavior "shrinks"). Just remember to really think it through and write the goal down, so you are clear on what you will be doing for the week or two-week interval. If you find your goal was too difficult, write a new one and start again. Personalize it for YOU. While you're succeeding at your first goal, start thinking about what you can handle for the next week/2-week interval and write it down, so you'll be set for it when the time comes, and even excited to start it. Just don't move too fast (like they say with dieting), or you will overwhelm yourself. Do what works for you!! Another tip is to do lots of visualizing when you are in free moments (like in the shower). Visualize how your face will look when you are at your first goal. Imagine how you will feel emotionally. Think about how you will present yourself in front of others. How will your face feel from the inside and outside. Do this visualizing daily. It will help keep you focussed. Again, as in dieting, think of the behaviors that you'll be learning as lifetime habits, not just "do-it-until-I-reach-my-goal-and-then-I-can-carry-on-with-my-life-as-before" . . . or they will most likely creep up on you again. Plan NOW for the rest of your life!! Soon, these behaviors will replace the habits you have now, and you won't be working at them like your will be now, they'll be second nature!!

I use this when I was losing weight (50 pounds). I am now trying this with my face too (approx. 23 years of CSP mostly on my face). It has also helped to discuss this with my husband, mother, and father, since realizing it had a name. Just less than a year ago, I thought I was the only one who did this!!

I send you fountains of blessings on your successful path!

[anonymousartist]

Scarreddaisy:

I know the fear is very overpowering here, but maybe allowing yourself to be intimate with your boyfriend will make picking not be as bad for you, just because you won't be hiding it from him anymore, it won't be so shameful anymore. Unless, maybe, is it possiblte you are using this as an excuse not to be intimate when there is really a deeper reason that you are not in the right mindframe to be intimate with your boyfriend?

It's good that you're getting help with this. Don't be afraid to tell a therapist anything and everything, they will be accepting and be able to help you best that way.