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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Dec 27, 2003 3:42:27 GMT -5
I used to keep a journal on this board when I was known as prettyinside... I thought I would start up again tonight...
I feel sick about what I'm doing to myself. My father passed away this week and half the reason I never went to see him was because I didn't want him to know about my disgusting habit. I am a messed up person, just like he was. Now he's free and at peace, and I'm still here, mutilating my scalp every fucking day. I hate it. I want to be done with this part of my life. I cannot be positive about this anymore, I just want to be totally negative and FIGHT it to death, just END this horrible thing that is killing my spirit and ruining my future.
I'm getting my nails done, nice acrylic or gel tips, for New Year's Eve, and starting on New Year's Day, I am starting total ZT. NO MORE OF THIS CRAP. I'm going to put a penny in a jar for every day that I do not pick, and I'm going to make damn sure that I don't pick at all, and that jar will be full before you know it...
I have to fight this. Fighting it every day, over and over until it's over. That's my motto. That's my mantra. I am going to heal myself and get my life back.
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Dec 27, 2003 22:37:15 GMT -5
Today was a good day so far. It's 10:23pm and I just finished watching a movie with a friend. I have picked a little, but barely at all. I haven't officially started ZT (that starts on New Year's Day), so it's OK. I feel strong and confident tonight. I love typing in my username every day -- Fighting It Every Day. It helps to remind me, to keep me strong.
I know that there will be negative days that contrast with this one... there always will be. But I want to strive for balance. Not highs and lows. Just balance. I'm thinking about trying breathing techniques and yoga to help keep me centered throughout the day. If any of you have advice on that, feel free to share it here. I'd love to hear it.
Hope all of you are staying strong and making it through the day too... not too many posts recently so I know we're all busy with the holidays. Take care all...
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Dec 28, 2003 10:59:29 GMT -5
Morning
I just woke up and I'm still feeling strong and confident. There were a ton of tiny flakes all over my pillow when I woke up, which of course depressed me... but I know that's because I pick, not because I just have nasty dandruff that makes me pick... that's just a lie I've willingly believed. It's MY fault that I have flakes. I create them through my compulsive picking. I can stop it. I can end this.
Today I resolve not to pick. I will not hate myself if I do, but I will stop myself when I start. There are only a couple of days left in 2003 and I am looking so forward to my first year of no picking. I believe I can do it. I'm going to stick with it. I'm going to keep posting here until I am so aware of it, I can't help but NOT do it. No more hurting myself...
Today will be a good day.
Evening
Earlier I said, "I will not hate myself if I do, but I will stop myself when I start." I stuck to that. So far, I have only picked a few times, almost without realizing it, and I stopped IMMEDIATELY. I know it's always easy the first few days you try this, and then it gets impossibly hard... but I'm determined to keep this up. I believe that writing daily in my journal and even just typing in my username, "FightingItEveryDay," will keep me aware enough to not do it. The pennies in the jar too. I won't start that until New Year's Day though, so...
I feel good. I feel strong. I have had really bad moments today and yesterday, dealing with my dad dying and being angry with him for not being there for me... but I have also actually DEALT with those feelings instead of just picking my way through them, feeling numb. I know that he wanted to be a good dad, and I know that he cared. I know he tried. He had a good heart, good intentions. I'm coming to terms with this slowly. It's just hard because I didn't get to see him in the end. It's so hard. But I will feel these feelings, I will not pick away at myself so that I don't have to feel anything. I won't do it. I will feel it. I will feel everything that happens to me, every day. I will make it through this. You will too.
Late Night
I'm still doing good. Stayed up late watching the Degrassi marathon and my fingers kept straying up to my scalp... I picked a little, but I kept stopping myself. I did pick at my ears (I tend to pick behind them and around my hairline a lot of the time, in addition to my normal scalp picking), but again, I stopped myself. I've realized that beyond just a psychological problem, it's a physical habit. It just happens on its own, because I've been doing it for so long. Awareness is the key. Today was a GREAT day. I did really well. Good night...
[glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 4.5 stars out of 5 (i did great!)[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Dec 29, 2003 10:56:26 GMT -5
Morning
God I hate the fact that hardly anybody is posting except me right now... I hate to sound like a brat, but where are you guys?? It's OK, I still feel good about coming here. I know I'm doing something good for myself. It's morning so I haven't picked at all yet, but actually that's pretty cool because I've already been in the bathroom for a while and I still didn't pick, not even once. Very cool. Looking forward to another good day.
Late Night
Today started off well and it ended well too. A couple of times I found myself picking a flake off my scalp, but I stopped myself right away, just like I did yesterday. It is a truly automatic habit. I will repeat what I said yesterday -- awareness is the key. I want to remember that, keep it in my mind... I need to be aware of what my hands are doing, 24 hours a day. This totally applies to my nail biting too.
So I am feeling very strong, very feminine, very positive... and very blessed. My thought is that after all these years of lamenting the fact that my father has never been there for me, now that he is on the other side, he sees what I'm going through, and instead of being disgusted by this habit, he feels sympathy for me and is actually helping me to end it once and for all. He must know that this is part of the reason I didn't see him in the end, and he must see how debilitating this is. I just wanted to get my life together first... I have learned a lot of lessons from all of this, but mostly right now I'm just feeling like this is a special experience... after all, I'm finally feeling my father's support. Yes, it could just be my inner strength finally shining through. But I have always been strong. This is more than that. Thank you Dad. I wasn't lying when I said I loved you, and I still do. I always will. You didn't have to do anything for me to love you. You ALWAYS had that.
Well, I think I'll sign off for tonight. Thanks to Incubabe for joining me on the new ZT attempt... We've got to do things differently this time and really make it happen. I really believe we can. Strive for balance and awareness, not perfection, and DEFINITELY no zoning out! No slipping into trance from this picking... we're going to deal with our worries and our pain and our boredom and whatever else makes us pick. Stay strong. We're gonna do this...
[glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 4.5 stars out of 5[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Dec 31, 2003 3:23:56 GMT -5
Late NightWell, I got my acrylic nails! They're longer than I planned, so it's a bitch to type, but it's also nearly impossible to pick, so that's really cool... They're gorgeous too. They keep me aware of my hands and fingers too, and like I said, awareness is the key! You better believe it... No pennies or marbles in the jar yet -- I start that on New Year's Day. But today I got up and out and took care of my responsibilities... even went and got my nails done like I said. These babies cost me $45 but my nail tech did an incredible job so I'm sticking with her. I may have to get them a little bit shorter so I can type better though... LOL  This might not work at my new job... So I'm still feeling good. My scalp is starting to heal (of course) and it's itchy and flaky as hell (of course!), so it's driving me nuts... I want to pick it SO bad. But I'm not. I can want it, but I can't do it. I can't control the desire, all I can control is the way I respond to it. So that's what I'm doing.  I went to the cemetery today and talked to my grandfather for a while... I know I don't have to go there to get through to him, but somehow it makes it easier for me. It was really healing, really therapeutic... and then later in the night I talked to my dog who I lost to kidney failure eight years ago... I feel that she has been my guardian angel since then (don't laugh, I'm dead serious about this)... I just know she's watching over me and I know she is so happy to see me winning at this... Also, I talked to my mom (who is very much still with us, thank God!) at length about it... she's so happy that I got my nails done and that I'm finally really trying to stop picking my scalp and biting my nails... I also talked to my uncle (who is a father to me) and while I haven't told him that I pick my scalp, I told him I got this done because I've been trying to stop biting my nails for ten years... he told me that he used to bite his nails really bad until he finally really set his mind to quitting one day. He files them now and puts clear nail polish on them, and he says he hates it but it's better than biting them. I had no idea he had this problem too... my mom also bites her nails but not enough to really worry about it. So I guess it's a family thing... Of course we all have a lot of repressed junk too.  Well that's about it for tonight... sorry for the extra long post! Hang in there kiddos... I'm right here with you. [glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 5 out of 5 stars (no picking!)[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Dec 31, 2003 13:11:04 GMT -5
Afternoon
It's New Year's Eve! It feels great to be on the verge of a whole new year, a whole new chance to start over again. I want it to really mean something this time. Everybody makes their resolutions and then forgets about them by the end of January. I don't want to do that this time. This is serious. I have to stick with this awareness, every single day.
I can't wait to start putting my marbles in the jar tomorrow. It's going to be such a positive thing. I know I'm going to look so forward to dropping those marbles in the jar every day, instead of picking...
I am very, very happy with these nails. They are keeping me really aware of my hands and I haven't picked at all today. Very cool. Update later!
Late Night
New Year's Eve was great... my afternoon was hectic and filled with weird emotions, feeling underappreciated and unsupported, etc... but I stuck to my guns and didn't pick at all. Tonight I got together with friends/family and had a great time. I've been feeling sick to my stomach a lot since my dad died, so I decided not to drink tonight. We rang in the New Year, cried over our losses and hoped for a better year in '04, played games, and laughed a LOT. I put a nice irridescent nail polish over my french tips and it looks really good... just feeling happy to be me and glad that '03 is over. Glad to be starting fresh.
[glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 5 out of 5 stars[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Jan 1, 2004 19:30:31 GMT -5
Evening
Just a quick update to say that today has been great... I haven't picked at all and I'm feeling AWESOME. I mean I have not had the urge to pick AT ALL. Very cool.
Late Night
No picking at all today. I rock. ;D
[glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 5 out of 5 stars[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Jan 2, 2004 16:39:55 GMT -5
Late AfternoonI put my first marble in the jar last night, and it felt great. I thought about putting one more in with each day that passes, and having the jar fill up with all that positive energy. I'm doing great today too. The urge just isn't there. Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I went through a lot of things that were weighing on my mind... how I feel about my dad dying, my fears about my best friend and her family moving four hours away (they are like family to me)... and it was hard, but I felt better afterward. I know I need to keep that up. I can't keep my emotions bottled up inside anymore, and I can't not deal with them. Those are the reasons why I pick. So it's a good day so far. [glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 5 out of 5 stars[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Jan 3, 2004 18:06:02 GMT -5
Evening
I am so mad at myself. Last night I picked a couple of flakes on my hairline, and then this morning I picked a few from the back of my scalp. It was nothing really, not a big deal... but it was definitely not ZT. So no marble in the jar today... I'm not beating myself up over it. It had to happen eventually. At least I didn't do it very much. I'm going to get through tonight and tomorrow without picking, and get back on the right track. I'm human, I make mistakes, but I am also a passionate spirit who can get through this, beginning again now. I will not give up.
[glow=lime,2,300]today gets: 3 out of 5 stars (i screwed up)[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Jan 5, 2004 5:41:48 GMT -5
Late NightI fucking suck. I picked again. It was literally for less than ten seconds, but I did it consciously and willfully... so no marble again today. I am so mad at myself. In a good way, I guess. Mad enough to hopefully not do it tomorrow. I did well all night tonight, anyway... I'm gonna give myself one less star for today since it was my 2nd screw-up day in a row. Tomorrow will be better. [glow=lime,2,300]today gets: 2 out of 5 stars (2nd day in a row of messing up... i SUCK!!!  )[/glow]
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Jan 6, 2004 4:35:31 GMT -5
;D I was right. I did great today. No picking at all, and I'm very itchy too (because I'm healing!), so that was quite an amazing accomplishment! Awesome... 3rd marble in the jar. >plunk!< [glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 5 out of 5 stars (no picking!)[/glow] |
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Post by Heather on Jan 6, 2004 8:57:22 GMT -5
Good job, Fighting It.
Today is a new day. I'm anxious, but just for today I will be gentle to myself.
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Jan 7, 2004 2:13:43 GMT -5
Heather, thanks for posting here! I can definitely use all the encouragement I can get. I'm just about to put my fourth marble in the jar... It's hard to believe it's only been four days (not consecutive either!).  It feels like forever. It's been easier than I thought it would be though. It was all about realizing that I just needed to FEEL my emotions instead of choking them away with the picking. It made me zone out, forget everything... and it wasn't healthy. While I DID screw up twice since New Year's, it was only for a sec. I didn't zone out, and I think that's important. Well, goodnight! It was another good day... [glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 5 out of 5 stars (yay!)[/glow] |
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Post by Heather on Jan 7, 2004 9:16:23 GMT -5
haha yay...two 5s in a row!
Mmm it's Wednesday morning. I'm about to go for a run. Today I will be very gentle to my skin.
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Post by ···»Fíghtîng Ît Èvë®y Dåy«··· on Jan 8, 2004 16:14:53 GMT -5
Forgot to update yesterday so ignore the date on this one, it's for January 7th. I did really great, didn't pick at all!!! Yay again! [glow=pink,2,300]today gets: 5 out of 5 stars[/glow] |
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This might not work at my new job...
)[/glow]
It feels like forever. It's been easier than I thought it would be though. It was all about realizing that I just needed to FEEL my emotions instead of choking them away with the picking. It made me zone out, forget everything... and it wasn't healthy. While I DID screw up twice since New Year's, it was only for a sec. I didn't zone out, and I think that's important. Well, goodnight! It was another good day...