Post by rabbitmoon on Nov 11, 2003 0:51:36 GMT -5
the good news is that i did relatively well with my two-day zt goal. i didnt mess up too much and i was starting to see a difference in my complexion. the bad news is i didnt start a new zt goal soon enough afterward and i fucked up. i am not looking or feeling too hot right now. one side of my face looks like acne and my back is all speckled.
and i am thouroghly sick of myself.
smoking? why the hell do i smoke? i know what happens. i get a strange anxiety that slowly creeps over me, i start feeling like i just need something and i dont know what, i feel ill and exhausted, my face looks splotchy and i break out! and pick!
folks. you there. i am quitting smoking tomarrow. hear that? last weekend i went to a party and smoked all night and went to sleep with my makeup on. gross. are new pimples any suprise? its all over. im so damn tired of all of this.
i remember quitting before. and i couldnt shake the feeling of uneasy "over-cleanness". i felt sterile. hospital clean without cigarettes. same thing when ive quit picking for a small period of time. i feel uncomfortably neat and clean and it bothers me and then i fall back in. but i have to remember this time: it will pass! my god it will pass! i dont want to give up anymore.
when i first started zt i was doing really well and when i slipped back in, the first thing i noticed was that my hands felt funny picking because i wasnt so used to it anymore. how incredible. i feel like if i could just stop for long enough, my hands wouldnt even want to do it anymore.
these hands want to do good things.
i feel so ready for this. i wish it didnt take getting frustrated beyond toleration to make me so determined but hey, im going to ride this as far as it will go and hopefully not fall down again. i know i very well might because this is maybe the hardest thing ive ever done, but at least it will get me somewhere.
im sick of myself! hooray!
i could type for another hour but i think i'll save it for my personal journal and not subject you to it.
for those who made it through my long-windedness, goodnight and god bless. i will be a different girl tomarrow. i want to just walk away from this thing and never look back. love you all. rabbit.
and i am thouroghly sick of myself.
smoking? why the hell do i smoke? i know what happens. i get a strange anxiety that slowly creeps over me, i start feeling like i just need something and i dont know what, i feel ill and exhausted, my face looks splotchy and i break out! and pick!
folks. you there. i am quitting smoking tomarrow. hear that? last weekend i went to a party and smoked all night and went to sleep with my makeup on. gross. are new pimples any suprise? its all over. im so damn tired of all of this.
i remember quitting before. and i couldnt shake the feeling of uneasy "over-cleanness". i felt sterile. hospital clean without cigarettes. same thing when ive quit picking for a small period of time. i feel uncomfortably neat and clean and it bothers me and then i fall back in. but i have to remember this time: it will pass! my god it will pass! i dont want to give up anymore.
when i first started zt i was doing really well and when i slipped back in, the first thing i noticed was that my hands felt funny picking because i wasnt so used to it anymore. how incredible. i feel like if i could just stop for long enough, my hands wouldnt even want to do it anymore.
these hands want to do good things.
i feel so ready for this. i wish it didnt take getting frustrated beyond toleration to make me so determined but hey, im going to ride this as far as it will go and hopefully not fall down again. i know i very well might because this is maybe the hardest thing ive ever done, but at least it will get me somewhere.
im sick of myself! hooray!
i could type for another hour but i think i'll save it for my personal journal and not subject you to it.
for those who made it through my long-windedness, goodnight and god bless. i will be a different girl tomarrow. i want to just walk away from this thing and never look back. love you all. rabbit.
